Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Sarah Mae of SarahMae.com.
There he was, sitting on his bed with tears in his 7-year old eyes.
I had just got through yelling at him, again, to clean his bedroom. I was tired of the mess and I was tired of telling him to clean.
“Just do it!” I would shout. How quickly I forget how overwhelmed I feel when a mess is staring me in the face.
This was not the mother I wanted to be.
As I looked at my son and I looked at the mess, I realized we were both overwhelmed. It was too much—it felt like too high a mountain to climb.
It was then that I knew we needed a change. My sweet boy needed a mom who wasn’t so stressed, and I needed a boy who didn’t feel defeated before he began.
That was that day we decided on a very simple rule that would become the foundation for how we would live: Fewer things, more peace.
The less we have, the less overwhelmed we feel. And the less overwhelmed we feel, the happier we are. (tweet that)
It was with that philosophy in mind that I said, “Buddy, we are going to get rid of some things today. We can throw some things away and give some things away, but at the end of it all, you are only going to have 20 toys left.”
We called it The 20-Toy Rule.
20 toys sounds like a lot… or maybe it doesn’t. But you’d be surprised at how many things children can accumulate. I was shocked when we began moving towards 20 toys each. We don’t spoil our children and I already had been pretty strict about the toy situation. But when I sat with my son in his room that day, I had to face the fact that we had allowed in too much stuff.
At first, upon hearing my idea, his eyes got big and a look of worry came over his face. But once we started, he really got into it. He was sorting and getting excited about giving things away and even selling things in a future yard sale. He was, believe it or not, actually having fun with the challenge.
The more we got rid of, the lighter I felt. And the anger began to disappear. There we were, getting rid of stuff, and we were happier.
We don’t need stuff, we need peace. We need to feel loved and safe and okay with what we have.
I want my children to learn contentment and joy where they are and with what they have. I don’t want them falling into the trap of always needing more and better things. Learning to have less helps them to be free. And I want them to be free.
To be fair, keeping toys to a minimum has taken work. I have had to train my three children to be okay with not having something. And yes, it has been training. For example, every time we would go into Target we would immediately pass the dollar section of the store filled with bright and beckoning things that call to children (thanks for that Target). I used to think, “What’s a dollar? It’s no big deal.” So my kids would each get something nearly every time we entered that store. I decided that would be one of the changes I made right away, no more dollar toys. I told my children before we even went in the store what to expect, and they all nodded their little heads of understanding.
You can imagine the shock when I actually followed through. “But mom!” No buts, baby. We are doing this. We are learning to live content. After a few times of whining and crying and me not giving in, they stopped the fussing. Now we go into Target and they don’t even ask. They know it wouldn’t make a difference anyway.
The point is, we had to put rules in place, and we had to stick to them. It’s hard at first, but if you stick to it, it gets easier, I promise.
You can do it. You can help your children be free.
It’s worth it.
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Sarah Mae blogs at SarahMae.com where she encourages and inspires moms in motherhood. You can also find her on Twitter.
/bob says
Great post. I kept thinking of my grandson as I read it and how he is overwhelmed with so many things. I think that it is all about what is manageable and up to each parent to decide what counts as “one” toy. Whether a set or each peice of a set, depends how many peices in the set and how the child plays with it and other things they have. My son and his wife have taken to storing most of the toys away and switching out once in a while. Otherwise there is just no room to walk through the house! It does become apparent what is played with and what is just pulled out and left around simply because it’s there.
Sarah Scott says
Sarah Mae… I love this… We actually have paired down a lot of our toys around here, among other things… something I struggle with are homeschool tools. I know that you are a homeschool mom… do you include the educational toys and games in your 20 toy rule or are they separate? How do you decide what games, math manipulatives, puzzles to keep and which to pass on?
Sarah Mae says
Games we keep because games are good for their brains (IMO). Plus, I’m trying to limit TV time (we have Netflix, not cable) and so the games work in our favor.
If the game has lost pieces or they don’t play it anymore, get rid of it.
DaNae says
Such a powerful article. You actually listened to the true issue. What do you do about his books?
Sarah Mae says
I am a book freak. Do not ask me about books because I will fail all the minimalists out there on this particular issue. :)
DaNae says
Great response. Me too.
Bonnie says
I just hopped over from your blog and I love this Sarah Mae! We just did this about 2 months ago, to the kids’ room and to our whole house. Its wonderful. Tidying up isn’t so daunting anymore. Being pregnant and really sick for the first 3 months my husband was helping keep up with the house work and saw all the work I was having to do and a lot of it was because of material things so he took the reigns and got things under control around here, so great. Very freeing and very peaceful to have less. (and looking forward to doing “31 Days to Clean” with you so that I can get back under control after the holidays too :). I also left in a reply to someone about how we switch the toys out for our kids every Monday. They can bring down whatever amount of toys they want but they have to put that many away…like a trade :) It works really well and they think its fun! So win for me, and win for them!
Gina says
We have begun to do the same things in our house, and now we even do it with the kids clothes. Noticing a general lack of care the kids had for the clothes, we implemented a new policy. Clothes left out, not put away, or put away incorrectly get confiscated. They can earn them back, of course. All I have to do is take is a quick peek in their rooms after they leave for school to check for clothes. It’s taught them to really care for what they have, and shown us what they really don’t need (as evidenced by the big bag of stuff to donate now).
Peggy says
This post hit the center of my heart like an arrow, you have helped me identify the cause of much stress. I started cleaning just one corner in my office today and already I am encouraged. THANKS!
Virginia says
I have lived this twice, with both of my boys. Now that they are 12 and 14, THEY are the ones clearing out in order to make room for new interests. While I still struggle with the emotional attachment to stuff, they blissfully empty closets and cubbies of things no longer used. Having taught them the 20 toy rule, and one-in, one-out; now I learn from them. It’s not about the having; it’s about the doing.
Joy says
Ahhh, you know I love you, Sarah! Great post! I think this is such a great idea! I have been trying to figure out a reasonable way to cut back the craziness with the kids’ toys. Like others here, though, I’m wondering what you do things that have multiple pieces — blocks sets, or, say, Littlest Pet Shops. I love and hate them — hate because there are so. Many. Pieces., but love because they will occupy my kids for seriously hours, if not days. Also, some of these fall into a “shared” category — same with board games, etc. what do you do about those? I would love a little more explanation of this idea because it seems like a good one.
Thanks for a great post!
Sarah Mae says
Okay, so I should have addressed this question because I knew it would come up. In general, use your judgement. For us, legos are one thing. Cars and such, I would say have them pick a few of their favorites and then the rest are gone, unless cars or whatever the thing is is their THING, you know, what they play with all the time. Then I would let them have a set, but find other things to pare down on. We keep games that are played and in good condition, because it helps reduce on TV time plus it stimulates their minds. I hate blocks, and we don’t have any now that my kids aren’t toddlers, but toddlers love blocks so for a season I would have a set. Again, use your judgement and compassion when there is something your child really loves. :)
Jennifer says
Great post! I have a nine month old little boy and am already amazed at how many clothes, toys and books we have accumulated despite having a minimalist approach to our lives and possessions. A lot of it is from well-meaning family members but your post really made me think of how we want to raise him and the values we want to teach.
Thanks for getting me thinking!
Jennifer
http://www.atouchofwanderlust.com
Sarah says
Sarah Mae,
When you day 20 toys is that TOTAL? As in a box of dinosaurs would count as 1 our each dinosaur counts individually? What do you do about stuffed animals (I know you have some girls. Lol.)?
Sarah Mae says
In general, use your judgement. For us, legos are one thing. Cars and such, I would say have them pick a few of their favorites and then the rest are gone, unless cars or whatever the thing is is their THING, you know, what they play with all the time. Then I would let them have a set, but find other things to pare down on. We keep games that are played and in good condition, because it helps reduce on TV time plus it stimulates their minds. I hate blocks, and we don’t have any now that my kids aren’t toddlers, but toddlers love blocks so for a season I would have a set. Again, use your judgement and compassion when there is something your child really loves. :)