“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness.” —Seneca
This is a truth about life and relationships. But it starts with an illustration from a website.
The Internet can be a tough place. Readers and commenters hide behind keyboards and IP addresses. Safe in their home or coffee shop, some people go to great lengths to attack people and positions through the words they post online. Without the disadvantage of standing eye-to-eye with their opponent, they express disapproval, anger, or jealousy using words in comments, tweets, and blog posts they would never use face-to-face. We call them trolls and haters.
I’ve received my fair share. Not an inordinate amount (this community is among the most encouraging on the Internet), but certainly enough. It’s tough to be in the public eye nowadays without receiving some negative feedback and personal attacks.
But if you watch closely, you’ll notice I have a specific formula when addressing negative commenters on this blog or social media. I usually begin by thanking the commenter for the question or comment.
On Becoming Minimalist, it will read like this, “Thanks for the comment xxx and thanks for the opportunity to clarify my thoughts on this point.” Then, my kind response is followed by a clear answer to the charge (if it requires a response). Answer kindly. Answer clearly.
But this is not just an article about commenting on blogs. This is an important truth about life and relationships and people—because there are trolls and haters in every walk of life.
There is an old Jewish proverb that goes like this, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” I have found this to be true over and over again in my interactions online and offline.
Gentle words soften the spirit of the accuser and exposes their foolishness to others. It prepares the platform for you to present your argument effectively. Kind and generous words do not prevent you from clearly presenting your argument, they make your case stronger.
In our interaction with others, we should work hard to counter harsh statements and attitudes with kind words. In our marriages, in our workplaces, in our neighborhoods, and in our relationships online, turn away negativity with positivity.
When you are attacked, hold your ground and state your truth. But beginning your response with just one sentence of gentleness will soften hearts and lay a much firmer foundation on which to stand.
shaun elliot says
I really love your posts. In a world with too much information I find you have to choose a few blogs to follow and ignore the rest. Glad I found yours, top of my list. Thanks for your effort. Shaun
Allen says
Proverbs 15:1 is your proper source. It’s a verse in the Bible.
Great article :)
Beth says
I just had an opportunity for this, and almost went the other way, but didn’t. Now, I think I made a new friend.
MJ says
You and your writings are wonderful! I cannot imagine anyone being mean to you. Such a terrible shame. Fallen world.
We love you and your work!
Sarah says
Oh how I love this one, Mr. Becker. This is how we can turn our world into a peaceful one, one person at a time. Beautifully written.
Paula G says
This post was so timely as there was some Facebook drama taking place in our family. Thank you so much for this reminder. It isn’t always easy to remember in the heat of the moment, but it is a virtue I wish to practice.
Kim says
My son used to work at a dry cleaners where the owner had put a huge mirror behind the counter. The owner told me that when people were screaming at him over a problem he would just gently move out of the way of the mirror so the customer could see their reflection. The owner told me it was amazing to see their reactions as they saw some raving, angry person then realized that they were that person. He said they almost always calmed down.
My mom taught me from an early age to “kill ’em with kindness” because it is the right thing to do, but also because it catches them off guard and usually calms them down so you can have a true discussion to resolve the issue.
Thanks for this article and your informative, thoughtful site.
Wan says
Beautiful post, Joshua.
“In our interaction with others, we should work hard to counter harsh statements and attitudes with kind words.”
Something I need to implement in my life. Countering with kind words can shock others because it’s not expected that harshness is responded with kindness.
Isabel Archer says
Such wonderful advice. Please repost this regularly! It is so very easy and I think, falsely cathartic, to vent your anger or frustration on the net. I have printed this post and taped it up to the back of my closet door so I see it before I start my day. Thank you.
Flor says
This hit home, I used to be intolerant of ignorant people, well honestly I am still a work in progress. One thing I do- is practice
“observe and detach”
-observe , the person, emotion and tone, then detach from all of those and I am able to handle the situation.
Again, i am in a work in progress :) thanks for the article!