I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer. An awful diagnosis for anyone, at any stage of life. But as a 48-year old father of four, with two in elementary school, it has shaken everyone in our community. He’s now in a daily battle to stave off cancer, provide for his family, and both parent and husband well.
In preparing themselves for the long days and years to come, my friend and his wife decided to downsize their home—moving from a 3,400 square foot home to 1,800. They saw the move as an opportunity to save money, time, energy, and effort for the journey ahead—a journey that would require strength, focus, energy, and intentionality.
They hadn’t lived in their larger home for long before the diagnosis. In fact, I still remember the first time I visited—Christmas, last year. It was for a party and their home (the larger one) was decorated immaculately. All of this was before the arrival of cancer into their lives.
My wife and I arrived early for the party and offered our hosts the first thoughts that entered our mind, “Your new home is beautiful. Thank you for having us over.”
As the party attendees continued to arrive that evening, I watched as many had similar greetings for their host and hostess, “Your house is gorgeous!” “This is stunning!” And “Your home is absolutely beautiful!” Customary greetings, I know, but these compliments were not empty words of praise—the house guests were genuinely impressed with their hosts’ home.
We are, after all, a culture and society that loves big houses and expensive furnishings and decorations. Most people spend their lives, and if current stats on household debt are correct, most of their money pursuing bigger and bigger homes in nicer and nicer neighborhoods.
In fact, the average American home has nearly tripled in size over the last 60 years, all while the average American family has decreased in members. And if all this increased space isn’t enough, 10% of us rent offsite storage and 25% are unable to park even one car in our garage.
But sometimes I wonder if these bigger homes (and the increased furnishings and material possessions that go inside them) are actually benefiting our lives. And if they are not, are they worthy of our praise and admiration? Is it possible we are looking for “beauty” in all the wrong places?
The concept of home as an ideal for safety and comfort, of acceptance and belonging, is one that resonates with almost everyone. But somewhere along the way, we began chasing a different ideal. “Home” became a place to upscale, store an ever-increasing pile of possessions, and chase a never-realized perfection portrayed in Pottery Barn catalogs and Home-Improvement reality shows.
But what is the purpose of home and what makes the concept beautiful in the first place?
Home is a place to come home to. It offers a place to relax, unwind, and rest. It provides opportunity for interaction among family members—a safe harbor from the storms of life to find acceptance, security, and stability.
But home is also a port of departure when you’re ready to brave the high seas of life again. As John Shedd said, “A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” Home offers us rest and security so we can live our best lives in the world outside—accomplishing the most good for the most amount of people.
These are the ideals we should strive for with the home we create: a safe harbor and effective port of departure. And when these ideals are being met, our home is beautiful. We do not need to constantly increase square footage, discounted furniture, or decorations.
In fact, often times, reducing the square footage and/or the number of possessions in our home allows us to better realize those ideals that make a house a home. When our money, time, and energy is not spent accumulating and caring for things that don’t matter, we have more resources available for the things that do.
Last week, my wife and I dropped off dinner at our friends’ new, smaller home. It had been a long day for them full of scans, doctor visits, diagnoses, and treatments. We did not intend to stay long—they needed rest as much as they needed a fresh meal.
However, while dropping off the food I asked my friend how he was liking his smaller home. He said, “It’s great! I no longer have a mortgage payment because we removed that burden when we downsized. We’re in a more stable position financially which is important to me. Sure, we’re still adjusting to living in smaller quarters as a family. But this house is easier to clean and take care of so I can focus more on things that matter. Most importantly, it’s bringing us closer together as a family. And Joshua, that is the thing that means the most to me right now as I fight for my life and theirs.”
I looked around the room one more time. I saw a family growing closer, better prepared in this smaller space for their difficult journey ahead. “Bob, I think it’s beautiful.”
About Joshua Becker
I watched a reality show once on PBS called Frontier House. Families lived like it was 1880. My point is there was a family from Malibu with 3 kids and I mean this family was filthy, stinking, rich. A mansion on the ocean, etc. I have to give them credit, they were super good sports. But, what really got my attention was when the kids went back to their real life they were bored and lonely. Their house was too big and they felt too far removed from one another after life in their cabin and working together to eek a living off of the land. Just something to think about. Bigger isn’t always better. Quite the opposite.
I remember that show and thar family. They all had their own wing and were watching the same TV shows separately in different rooms. Sad and strange.
I’m not crying!!! <3 I hope your friend is able to keep on fighting! Sending love and thoughts
Hi. I really understand what you are saying about bigger houses and material possessions my house is biggish -2000 sq feet. I usually buy everything used or recycled. In fact, almost every piece of furniture in my house is rehabbed, I’ve become kind of good at it using my design background. So even though my house is bigger the square feet it feels homey bc of the love happiness I put into the contents. Beautiful surroundings are important to me and I love design of anything so I personally think it’s okay to make your house home according to what that means to the individual. I don’t agree that we should be shaming people into a certain lifestyle and truly believe in the “you do you” philosophy and spreading the word of living conscientious and minimalist by the example of my love of the lifestyle. I think attitude is contagious. I hope your friend is okay, cancer is an ugly reality that no one should have to suffer through. Peace, love and less. NAlton Design.
I agree. I have always had an interest in interior decor/design and I have a lovely home that is full of things I love and a lot of upcycled furniture and second hand items. It makes me smile when I walk in the door, I love coming home and spending time at home.
My daughter is a minimalist and after staying at her place I come home and notice how colourful and quirky my house is. I think everyone is different and the ‘you doing you’ concept is apt.
I pray for the best for this family. I’m grateful they realized what was most important and redused alot of there stress. I did the same thing this year. I was a caregiver to my husband with MS and I have MS. Stress and too much stuff and too much responsibility kept us both from a good life. I have been continuing to downsize my stuff. I have learned alot about minimalism and it’s the best thing ever. My mind is clearer, my health is better, I’m happier. I have more important things to do in life than take care of stuff. Its freeing. Thanks Joshua 🙏👏💙
ps. My husband is in assisted living and doing great. We needed to change that as well.
Hi, Joshua,
Loved this article; I am subscribed to your newsletter and have previously sent comments on several of your articles;
my heart goes out to your friend; would you be able to give me an email to send some very helpful medical info your friend may be able to use ?
No, I don’t think that’s a line I should cross. But thank you for caring.
Ok, thank you. If you decide to ask him if he is interested in the info, you can contact me and then pass the info along to him.
Blessings. 🙂
What a beautifully written article, Joshua! I can relate as I lost my husband to stage 4 colon cancer last year. Since then, I tend to focus on what matters, have downsized so much excess stuff in my home, and can easily let go of the “little things that don’t matter.” I continue to embrace a minimalist lifestyle.
Joshua, Thank you for this beautiful article. I pray that God will walk with this family through the difficult transition and am glad that they decided to downsize now. God is near whatever our circumstances or living conditions but He does want us to deal with the details and will guide us as He has guided your friends to make these changes now. God Bless you and your friends.
Cancer at any age is horrid. In mid life really sad.
I’ve never lived in a big house.
I have friends that do though.
It feels intimidating somehow, not that I’ve ever said that of course.
Small is beautiful in my mind.
Wishing your friend a complete recovery.
Downsizing is hard! I had a terrible time leaving our big home after our special needs little boy passed away. Leaving those fingerprints on my walls nearly pushed me over the edge. We didn’t need all the space for his needs and caregivers so we moved to a small home 5 years ago. Yes, we have gone through many stages of the grief process, but landed on our feet, tucking our little boy in our hearts and carrying him with us. The house was what we needed at the time and now we don’t. It is the path we were meant to travel.
Jacqueline—so sorry for the loss of your little boy. As a full time caregiver of my 24 yr old profoundly disabled son, I can only imagine your heartbreak at losing your son. Hugs
I’m very sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing this story. It pushed me to open the door to the path of downsizing. I called my realtor! It is not easy, not so much for giving up the house, but leaving the space we made home were memories have been made and shared. I hope your friend’s family has peace.
I think most people don’t realize how liberating getting rid of stuff can be and so much of it is stuff. As we get older I am trying to lighten our lives and I started with walking through the house with garbage bags and throwing things away. Once you begin it is easy to see how burdened down you were.
Do it in baby steps. I graduated to boxes and donated useful things to Goodwill. I am suffering from a rare illness so it was necessary to lighten my housework but I wish I had been aware of how life changing just buying what you need and not trying to impress others could be.
Now our house is our own bed and breakfast. A getaway from cares of the world and welcoming peace when we open the door.
God bless that family… may God kick that cancer in the rear and this man and his family can enjoy their new beautiful home for a long time.
I am sorry but I don’t like this story. People in Europe live in 600 or 700 sq ft apartaments and these are not trash people but medium class. What is wrong with America that downsizing house to 1800 is incredible success? Huge houses need huge heating and cooling. It is not about waste your money, it is about our planet!
Having lived in Europe for 14 years I agree with you on the difference in culture between there and the U.S.
I also agree that there is something “wrong” with American culture and its obsession with big houses and material possessions. I think that is a big part of the entire point of this website and of Joshua’s work: To fix this unhealthy relationship with materialism.
And I respect your opinion about not liking this piece. However, I feel differently. This is probably one of my all-time favorite posts by Joshua.
It all comes down to respecting PERSPECTIVE.
To fairly understand the family in this story is to respect their perspective and the shift that they chose to make. They are moving in the right direction during a trying time and we ought to celebrate that. That’s what I like about this story.
Surely you have met, as I have, Europeans who complained about their apartments being too small. Let’s not forget that there are a billion or two people who, upon hearing their story could easily say, “I don’t like this story, what’s wrong with Europeans who complain about their 600 sq ft apartments with heating, electricity and clean running water when I know entire towns back home who don’t have any of that?”
PERSPECTIVE.
Thank you, Victor, you are right. It is all about perspective. The story by itself is beautiful.
Living with Less is one of the most freeing feeling one can experience
Inciteful..and thought provoking
Wonderful article. My husband and I have always been somewhat miminalists and never had a large home to impress others – ditto for possessions. We could have easily afford more. As we age, we are “keeping” and “buying” less and less. It is liberating.
Thank you for this article.
Great article, Joshua! My husband and I downsized last year to an apartment from a four-bedroom house after the kids moved out, and we’ve never been happier. When the Illinois snow comes we don’t have to shovel. When something breaks we don’t have to fix it or pay someone else to fix it. There’s a huge debate right now between buy vs. rent. Whatever you choose, doing it within your means for the purpose of freeing up time and valuable energy is the the main thing. Now instead of home projects taking up time and money, I’ve gone back to school!
HI Joshua. Very sorry to hear about the battle your friend and his family are facing. God be with them.
So we recently moved and downsized our house— it’s prob half the size and I truly love it. I feel a peace here that I never felt in the bigger house. I got rid of tons of clutter and I wonder why I ever bought that junk in the first place.
Hi Josh,
Your post was beautiful, and I grieve for your friends who are embarking on a long, difficult road with cancer. I just wish you hadn’t chosen the stock photo that you did. The perfect family, beautiful mom, handsome dad, a cute boy and a pretty girl–all dressed in coordinating navy blue moreover!–engaged in the perfect activity of reading a book together under a perfectly decorated artificial Christmas Tree in an immaculately white living room. It is just all the things you are talking about in the post that are NOT important, and, frankly, it looks like it came right out of a Pottery Barn catalog!
Now, no one WANTS to look at the faces of a family facing cancer, but maybe we NEED to. Not this family you are writing about, that would be an invasion of their privacy at this moment, but please, at least a photo of a family unpacking in a disorganized room, or sitting around the table holding hands with concerned expressions on their faces, and most certainly they are not all dressed up to coordinate with their pristine surroundings.
A picture is worth a thousand words, and in this case, I’m afraid the picture speaks louder than your certainly well-crafted and deep-felt words in the post.
Peggy
Gosh Peggy… perhaps he was just showing “the perfect” family on purpose. I often wonder why one person always has to see the negative of an act that is only meant for good.
Instead, Joshua I thank you for always being here…
This post is beautiful and will get most of us to appreciate our health and to whisper a prayer for your friend.
It’s a beautiful post. But I do understand Peggy’s comment. I’m unemployed and I’ve turned into a caregiver while my 81 YO mother fights lung cancer with very little help from my brother or sister that have nice homes and families. I’m single and live in an apartment – my life thank goodness is simple. The face of someone fighting cancer is not pretty, for that matter neither is mine. I’m not criticizing anyone or the pic I’m just stating an opinion. Thanks for the beautiful article Joshua and I do understand your well made point Peggy.
Sorry you felt that I was “the one negative” person. That was not at all my intention and I’m sorry it came across like that to you. This is why I rarely comment on posts, and steer clear of social media as much as possible. There’s always “the one person” who has to point out to me how wrong I am to have an opinion that doesn’t agree with theirs.
Are we done now, I hope?
I apologize. You do have a right to your opinion.
Thanks for the feedback Peggy. I understand what you are saying. But the face of cancer can look very different from person to person and from stage to stage. My friend’s family looks more like this family at the present time than you might be assuming.
Hmmm… I made no presumption it wasn’t the actual family. It didn’t seem there were enough facts to do so. Further, is the photo more important or the words….
I wonder what would happen to our economy if, say, 20% of the population tried this. I don’t mean pursuing wasteful spending, but there is an economic cost to pay with job losses, tax revenues plummeting and so on.
The economy would change. Becoming minimalist doesn’t mean you stop spending money, it just means you stop spending money on physical possessions you don’t need. You can read more here: A New, Minimalist Economy
My problem is that it’s insanely difficult to find a smaller home, and if I do, the taxes and increased energy costs (we have geothermal) won’t decrease the cost of living. With the local and county governments butting in, there’s zero incentive to build smaller, and the only homes under $200,000 are older, cluster homes or attached. Now toss in HOAs and city taxes…pass. I want smaller, but I’ll only get it by buying over-priced land much further out (higher insurance, hospitals further away…etc.) or tearing down my current house and rebuilding small. If that’s allowed anyway.
I agree, we living in a large city in a small home (2 bedroom, 1 bath, 1181 square feet) and yes we pay more per square feet and pay higher city taxes to live smaller. But we wanted to close to downtown, so we are willing to pay more to do that.
Exactly. And no they wouldn’t let you rebuild smaller. Actually in Texas (at least where we are), even if you buy land, you are restricted on how small the house can be, so they tell you for instance it has to be at least 4,000 sf!!! We wanted land and a small house, but that’s impossible unless the house is a complete remodel or a mobile home… so we ended up with a huge house. But we don’t heat or cool all of it and use what we need. Our utilities are the same cost if not less. Same amount of furniture only more space around it. Anyway, I get the point of smaller houses, would love to have one but it can be difficult.
Ohhhhh, this was a great post. I wish all of my family and friends would read this.
All excellent points!
I am wondering and hoping you Joshua or your other readers can make suggestions…how do you reduce paper clutter?
I don’t do digital. I’m old fashion and use a file box but I have so many stray papers that need to be saved for awhile and have no homes. They just sit on my dresser looking so messy ! Coupons, receipts, medical papers, papers pending waiting for action on.
I use my file box for insurance policies, statements etc but there’s always random “stuff” with no place to go!
Paper clutter is the worst!!!
Sounds like you need a new filing system – or to keep less paper.
Barb, Here are some ideas : the medical & dental records & RX info, I would put in 1 folder & keep it accessible- Mark it “Health Records”. If anything should cause you to be hospitalized, then someone can find it & see what RX you are taking or how your last dr visit went, etc. If you are saving receipts to match up with bank statements or credit card statements, then toss in a shoe box in your dresser drawer until you can reconcile them, once reconciled, toss them. Papers waiting to take action on– put in a folder, mark it “TAKE ACTION.” Coupons for eating out or coupons for groceries– put where you will see and use them. Me, I put them in a plastic envelope from the office supply store & keep the envelope in my purse. Hope this helps.
Mimi… A great big THANK YOU!
How kind of you to offer ideas! I will try them!
Hi Barb, I can recommend the videos on youtube by a channel named clutterbug (for paper clutter but also for all kind of other clutter) . She has lots of realy good ideas, they helped me a lot!
Thank you Nadja!
Several years ago, I invested in the Freedom Filer filing system. It was $30+ at the time and it took several days to set up (I had A LOT of paper clutter). However, the initial investment (money and time) has more than made up for.
I have a paper shredder where most of my junk mail gets shredded on a daily basis. Bills get put into a bin until I pay them. Once they get paid, I take the bills out of the current month that are two years old (the system operates on a Even/Odd Year rotation), shred those old bills and file the newer bills.
The funny thing about it: since implementing this filing system, I haven’t had to go back to find a bill – but before the system, I was always needing to and could never find it! (I guess preparation really does keep Murphy away!)
We downsized from a house ( with mortgage, yard/ house work never ending) to apartment living. It’s been 11 years and I don’t regret it ( especially when things go wrong in the apartment- we just make a call and let the landlord worry about it). I’ve become involved with a group called Buy Nothing, it keeps me on track with keeping things basic.
Michelle, are these groups BUY NOTHING, all over the US, or just in your area? Sounds like a great group!
Thanks!
Look for Buy Nothing groups on FB in your local area.
Look for Buy Nothing groups on FB in your local area.
I finished reading Heidi last night after my 12-year old daughter told me how much she loved it. So many lessons, but “home” was so perfectly captured. In the book and this article. I wish them the best in this fight!
Lori— I never read Heidi, but my granddaughter and I enjoyed Little Women tremendously. Such a beautiful story :)
I think about the March family quite often.
What a beautiful story! I can imagine what a much-needed relief that new home must be.