I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer. An awful diagnosis for anyone, at any stage of life. But as a 48-year old father of four, with two in elementary school, it has shaken everyone in our community. He’s now in a daily battle to stave off cancer, provide for his family, and both parent and husband well.
In preparing themselves for the long days and years to come, my friend and his wife decided to downsize their home—moving from a 3,400 square foot home to 1,800. They saw the move as an opportunity to save money, time, energy, and effort for the journey ahead—a journey that would require strength, focus, energy, and intentionality.
They hadn’t lived in their larger home for long before the diagnosis. In fact, I still remember the first time I visited—Christmas, last year. It was for a party and their home (the larger one) was decorated immaculately. All of this was before the arrival of cancer into their lives.
My wife and I arrived early for the party and offered our hosts the first thoughts that entered our mind, “Your new home is beautiful. Thank you for having us over.”
As the party attendees continued to arrive that evening, I watched as many had similar greetings for their host and hostess, “Your house is gorgeous!” “This is stunning!” And “Your home is absolutely beautiful!” Customary greetings, I know, but these compliments were not empty words of praise—the house guests were genuinely impressed with their hosts’ home.
We are, after all, a culture and society that loves big houses and expensive furnishings and decorations. Most people spend their lives, and if current stats on household debt are correct, most of their money pursuing bigger and bigger homes in nicer and nicer neighborhoods.
In fact, the average American home has nearly tripled in size over the last 60 years, all while the average American family has decreased in members. And if all this increased space isn’t enough, 10% of us rent offsite storage and 25% are unable to park even one car in our garage.
But sometimes I wonder if these bigger homes (and the increased furnishings and material possessions that go inside them) are actually benefiting our lives. And if they are not, are they worthy of our praise and admiration? Is it possible we are looking for “beauty” in all the wrong places?
The concept of home as an ideal for safety and comfort, of acceptance and belonging, is one that resonates with almost everyone. But somewhere along the way, we began chasing a different ideal. “Home” became a place to upscale, store an ever-increasing pile of possessions, and chase a never-realized perfection portrayed in Pottery Barn catalogs and Home-Improvement reality shows.
But what is the purpose of home and what makes the concept beautiful in the first place?
Home is a place to come home to. It offers a place to relax, unwind, and rest. It provides opportunity for interaction among family members—a safe harbor from the storms of life to find acceptance, security, and stability.
But home is also a port of departure when you’re ready to brave the high seas of life again. As John Shedd said, “A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” Home offers us rest and security so we can live our best lives in the world outside—accomplishing the most good for the most amount of people.
These are the ideals we should strive for with the home we create: a safe harbor and effective port of departure. And when these ideals are being met, our home is beautiful. We do not need to constantly increase square footage, discounted furniture, or decorations.
In fact, often times, reducing the square footage and/or the number of possessions in our home allows us to better realize those ideals that make a house a home. When our money, time, and energy is not spent accumulating and caring for things that don’t matter, we have more resources available for the things that do.
Last week, my wife and I dropped off dinner at our friends’ new, smaller home. It had been a long day for them full of scans, doctor visits, diagnoses, and treatments. We did not intend to stay long—they needed rest as much as they needed a fresh meal.
However, while dropping off the food I asked my friend how he was liking his smaller home. He said, “It’s great! I no longer have a mortgage payment because we removed that burden when we downsized. We’re in a more stable position financially which is important to me. Sure, we’re still adjusting to living in smaller quarters as a family. But this house is easier to clean and take care of so I can focus more on things that matter. Most importantly, it’s bringing us closer together as a family. And Joshua, that is the thing that means the most to me right now as I fight for my life and theirs.”
I looked around the room one more time. I saw a family growing closer, better prepared in this smaller space for their difficult journey ahead. “Bob, I think it’s beautiful.”
What a beautifully written article, Joshua! I can relate as I lost my husband to stage 4 colon cancer last year. Since then, I tend to focus on what matters, have downsized so much excess stuff in my home, and can easily let go of the “little things that don’t matter.” I continue to embrace a minimalist lifestyle.
Joshua, Thank you for this beautiful article. I pray that God will walk with this family through the difficult transition and am glad that they decided to downsize now. God is near whatever our circumstances or living conditions but He does want us to deal with the details and will guide us as He has guided your friends to make these changes now. God Bless you and your friends.
Cancer at any age is horrid. In mid life really sad.
I’ve never lived in a big house.
I have friends that do though.
It feels intimidating somehow, not that I’ve ever said that of course.
Small is beautiful in my mind.
Wishing your friend a complete recovery.
Downsizing is hard! I had a terrible time leaving our big home after our special needs little boy passed away. Leaving those fingerprints on my walls nearly pushed me over the edge. We didn’t need all the space for his needs and caregivers so we moved to a small home 5 years ago. Yes, we have gone through many stages of the grief process, but landed on our feet, tucking our little boy in our hearts and carrying him with us. The house was what we needed at the time and now we don’t. It is the path we were meant to travel.
Jacqueline—so sorry for the loss of your little boy. As a full time caregiver of my 24 yr old profoundly disabled son, I can only imagine your heartbreak at losing your son. Hugs
I’m very sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing this story. It pushed me to open the door to the path of downsizing. I called my realtor! It is not easy, not so much for giving up the house, but leaving the space we made home were memories have been made and shared. I hope your friend’s family has peace.
I think most people don’t realize how liberating getting rid of stuff can be and so much of it is stuff. As we get older I am trying to lighten our lives and I started with walking through the house with garbage bags and throwing things away. Once you begin it is easy to see how burdened down you were.
Do it in baby steps. I graduated to boxes and donated useful things to Goodwill. I am suffering from a rare illness so it was necessary to lighten my housework but I wish I had been aware of how life changing just buying what you need and not trying to impress others could be.
Now our house is our own bed and breakfast. A getaway from cares of the world and welcoming peace when we open the door.
God bless that family… may God kick that cancer in the rear and this man and his family can enjoy their new beautiful home for a long time.
I am sorry but I don’t like this story. People in Europe live in 600 or 700 sq ft apartaments and these are not trash people but medium class. What is wrong with America that downsizing house to 1800 is incredible success? Huge houses need huge heating and cooling. It is not about waste your money, it is about our planet!
Having lived in Europe for 14 years I agree with you on the difference in culture between there and the U.S.
I also agree that there is something “wrong” with American culture and its obsession with big houses and material possessions. I think that is a big part of the entire point of this website and of Joshua’s work: To fix this unhealthy relationship with materialism.
And I respect your opinion about not liking this piece. However, I feel differently. This is probably one of my all-time favorite posts by Joshua.
It all comes down to respecting PERSPECTIVE.
To fairly understand the family in this story is to respect their perspective and the shift that they chose to make. They are moving in the right direction during a trying time and we ought to celebrate that. That’s what I like about this story.
Surely you have met, as I have, Europeans who complained about their apartments being too small. Let’s not forget that there are a billion or two people who, upon hearing their story could easily say, “I don’t like this story, what’s wrong with Europeans who complain about their 600 sq ft apartments with heating, electricity and clean running water when I know entire towns back home who don’t have any of that?”
PERSPECTIVE.
Thank you, Victor, you are right. It is all about perspective. The story by itself is beautiful.
This is the best part of this article. Two people presenting different points of view and agreeing that the other’s point is valid. This is the way to peace.
Living with Less is one of the most freeing feeling one can experience
Inciteful..and thought provoking