Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Corey Allan of Simple Marriage.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw.
You’re surfing the blogosphere and you stumble across several sites on minimalism and simplification. Something in the message resonates deeply in you and you find yourself prepared to overhaul your home and life. Then the thought hits you, your spouse will never go for it.
Now what?
For starters, remember that every relationship has conflict. And every marriage has conflict as well, which is why knowing how to communicate with your spouse is so important.
John Gottman, one of the leaders in the field of marriage research, has discovered that the majority of marital conflicts are perpetual. They’re continual and repeated. In fact, 69% of all marital problems fall into this category.
There are many areas in a marriage where you’re simply not going to agree. Here are a few:
- One of you wants to have children (or X number of kids), while the other says they’re not ready, or are happy with the current number of kids.
- One of you wants sex far more frequently than the other.
- You want to raise your children Baptist, while your spouse wants them to be raised Catholic.
- Your spouse is lax about housework and rarely does his or her share until you nag, igniting anger.
- One of you is a saver with money and the other is a spender.
- Or one of you wants to work towards a more simple and minimalist type of life and the other doesn’t.
Problems in marriage are inevitable. The question is — can you remain satisfied in your marriage in spite of differences? Can your marriage thrive when there are differences between you?
I believe the answer is yes.
The key is to continually work it out and grow up. Acknowledge the problem and talk about it. Your love for each other doesn’t have to be overwhelmed by your differences.
Think of it this way — the times when there’s tension between you and your spouse, it’s like the elephant in the room. You both know it’s there when you’re together. Rather than allowing the elephant to roam freely between you and take over your space, name it. Speak up. While this won’t make the elephant leave completely, it will decrease its size.
In unstable marriages, elephants are likely to kill the relationship. Instead of coping, the couple gets gridlocked. You have the same conversation over and over, resolving nothing. You’re spinning your wheels. And since you’re making no progress, you both feel more frustrated, hurt or rejected. When this happens, resentment moves in and humor and affection leave – so does simplicity and passion.
Problems in marriage will happen. How you address them is up to you.
Here are some ways to communicate better with your partner or spouse when you don’t see eye to eye:
1. With respect.
One of the main things I see in couples on the verge of marital collapse is a lack of respect. When you reach a point where you no longer like each other, you’re in trouble.
“Respect is defined as not trying directly or indirectly to change anyone.” -Thomas Fogarty
Sadly, we often treat common strangers with more respect than people in our home. Respect is one of the key factors to a successful and happy marriage — respect for those around you, and most importantly, respect for yourself.
2. Clearly define yourself.
To define yourself means you have a deeper awareness and understanding of your beliefs, wants, needs and desires. Marriage is a great place to clarify these things in your life – mainly because that’s the way marriage is designed.
You live with another person who has his or her own view of the way things should be, just like you. For example, in your family of origin, tables may serve as great places to store piles of mail, magazines, and kid’s artwork. But your spouse’s family of origin believes tables are great places to eat dinner together, so they need to be free of clutter.
Neither way is necessarily “right,” just different. You are allowed to live life the way you choose, but so is your spouse.
3. Understand the idea of over-functioning and under-functioning.
In every relationship, there will be one who over-functions while the other under-functions. It’s a reality of relationships.
Over-functioning and under-functioning are positions that we occupy in response to how we do life. None of us is all one way all the time — we over-function in some areas of life and under-function in others. This is determined by what’s important to you and what you value. For example, if your kid’s grades are more important to you than they are to her, you’re more likely to do her homework for her, or at least keep on her about it, because she can under-function, knowing you’ll pick up the slack.
One thing to keep in mind — if you’re over-functioning for someone, you are under-functioning for yourself. When you are faced with something you want to change, and have a spouse that isn’t on the same page, it’s best to initiate a discussion about the change.
Share your thoughts – openly listen to theirs. It’s very likely that together, you will be able to come up with a solution.
4. Live by what you hold dear.
When you are faced with a situation where you and your spouse aren’t on the same page, live according to your own integrity and values.
If you want to simplify and your spouse doesn’t, simplify your life.
You want to eat healthy and your spouse only wants fast food? Eat healthy.
I’ll leave you with this: At the end of the day, all you are responsible for is you.
***
Corey Allan writes at Simple Marriage where he helps couples create better marriages by keeping things simple. You may also enjoy following him at Twitter.
Caniggia says
The advice is quite interesting
LATIFA says
I HAD LOT PROBLEMS IN MY MARITAL LIFE AFTER SIX YEARS IN A RELATIONSHIP, I NEVER KNEW MY MAN WAS CHEATING ON ME, ON TILL WE GOT TWO KIDS TOGETHER. AND I FOUND OUT HE HAVE SUGAR MUM WERE HE ALWAYS VISIT EVERY WEEKEND, AND I QUESTIONED HIM AND WE FIGHT, RIGHT FROM THAT NIGHT WE GOT FIGHT HE LEFT HOME AND STAY WITH HIS SUGAR MUM WHOM IS OLDER TO BE HIS MOTHER. OVER NINE MONTHS HE REFUSED TO COME BACK HOME, AND I DID EVERYTHING JUST TO GET HIM BACK BECAUSE I WANT MY KIDS TO LIVE HAPPY FAMILY. AND I HAD LOT ADVISE THAT LID ME TO DR OBODU RESTORATION CENTRE, AND I CONTACT DR OBODU FOR HELP’ HE DID EVERYTHING PERFECTLY, AFTER THREE DAYS MY MAN CAME BACK HOME AND PROMISED TO LIVE THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITH ME. DR OBODU IS MAN OF TRUSTED BECAUSE HE GRANTED MY HEART DESIRE AS HE PROMISED, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS BEEN ATTACHED TO MY POST HE IS READY TO HELP EVERYONE NEEDED HIS HELP HIS EAMIL ADDRESS… obodurestorationcentre@gmail.com
B says
I married 1 year back. I started family since two months. Still I am not happy. My wife and they parents creating lot many problems. I am going more and more depression when i think about them.
She is not at all under standing me. She never cares me only cares her parents. She is working but not to helped small amount for a week also when i was struggle. I want to live happy life what to do
WILLIAM M MILANO says
Grow up?
Thanks for nothing, Pal
Kate says
How do you compromise on how to raise children if you have two different view points on how to do so, especially when it comes to buying them “stuff”. One of us wants to live a minimalist lifestyle and the other wants to buy them things, especially on Holidays. The children are young and don’t get that they will be happier in the long run with less toys. They probably will think they were bad this year and Santa didn’t bring them very much or the Easter bunny didn’t fill their basket. We can’t just do what we want for ourselves in this case. We share the children and are raising them together. If you just agree to disagree then which parents values win out? And how can you explain to a five year old that presents don’t matter and don’t really bring you happiness? We know exactly what our disagreements are about. We’ve addressed the elephant. We just can’t find a common ground. How do you live with your own integrities and values when it’s the opposite of your spouse but you have to raise children together?
sujata says
Very Nice blog post
Mr Ben says
Hey, is good I inform all the men and guys out there that sometime we all make mistake in our relationship and made our relationship to be broken and is also our responsibility to make it work by seeking for solution to it, I’m very happy today to tell you little of my relationship problem, i cheated once on my wife and she caught me and she was ready to end our marriage because i truly love her i quickly seek for solution to stop her that is when i came across Dr ekpen temple who has help so many people restore their broken marriage and relationship i also contact him today my marriage is restored, I’m going to drop his contact so that does having the same issues can contact him for solution on (ekpentemple @ gmail. com).
juliet fredua-agyeman says
Nice posts.relationship issues are so complex to me now. Can ‘t see clearly now, friends.
michael says
How can I get my lover back tonight? How can I take steps in getting my lover back fast? Is my situation with my boyfriend or girlfriend hopeless?
dilip maurya says
wife and husband are same cart