Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Corey Allan of Simple Marriage.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw.
You’re surfing the blogosphere and you stumble across several sites on minimalism and simplification. Something in the message resonates deeply in you and you find yourself prepared to overhaul your home and life. Then the thought hits you, your spouse will never go for it.
Now what?
For starters, remember that every relationship has conflict. And every marriage has conflict as well, which is why knowing how to communicate with your spouse is so important.
John Gottman, one of the leaders in the field of marriage research, has discovered that the majority of marital conflicts are perpetual. They’re continual and repeated. In fact, 69% of all marital problems fall into this category.
There are many areas in a marriage where you’re simply not going to agree. Here are a few:
- One of you wants to have children (or X number of kids), while the other says they’re not ready, or are happy with the current number of kids.
- One of you wants sex far more frequently than the other.
- You want to raise your children Baptist, while your spouse wants them to be raised Catholic.
- Your spouse is lax about housework and rarely does his or her share until you nag, igniting anger.
- One of you is a saver with money and the other is a spender.
- Or one of you wants to work towards a more simple and minimalist type of life and the other doesn’t.
Problems in marriage are inevitable. The question is — can you remain satisfied in your marriage in spite of differences? Can your marriage thrive when there are differences between you?
I believe the answer is yes.
The key is to continually work it out and grow up. Acknowledge the problem and talk about it. Your love for each other doesn’t have to be overwhelmed by your differences.
Think of it this way — the times when there’s tension between you and your spouse, it’s like the elephant in the room. You both know it’s there when you’re together. Rather than allowing the elephant to roam freely between you and take over your space, name it. Speak up. While this won’t make the elephant leave completely, it will decrease its size.
In unstable marriages, elephants are likely to kill the relationship. Instead of coping, the couple gets gridlocked. You have the same conversation over and over, resolving nothing. You’re spinning your wheels. And since you’re making no progress, you both feel more frustrated, hurt or rejected. When this happens, resentment moves in and humor and affection leave – so does simplicity and passion.
Problems in marriage will happen. How you address them is up to you.
Here are some ways to communicate better with your partner or spouse when you don’t see eye to eye:
1. With respect.
One of the main things I see in couples on the verge of marital collapse is a lack of respect. When you reach a point where you no longer like each other, you’re in trouble.
“Respect is defined as not trying directly or indirectly to change anyone.” -Thomas Fogarty
Sadly, we often treat common strangers with more respect than people in our home. Respect is one of the key factors to a successful and happy marriage — respect for those around you, and most importantly, respect for yourself.
2. Clearly define yourself.
To define yourself means you have a deeper awareness and understanding of your beliefs, wants, needs and desires. Marriage is a great place to clarify these things in your life – mainly because that’s the way marriage is designed.
You live with another person who has his or her own view of the way things should be, just like you. For example, in your family of origin, tables may serve as great places to store piles of mail, magazines, and kid’s artwork. But your spouse’s family of origin believes tables are great places to eat dinner together, so they need to be free of clutter.
Neither way is necessarily “right,” just different. You are allowed to live life the way you choose, but so is your spouse.
3. Understand the idea of over-functioning and under-functioning.
In every relationship, there will be one who over-functions while the other under-functions. It’s a reality of relationships.
Over-functioning and under-functioning are positions that we occupy in response to how we do life. None of us is all one way all the time — we over-function in some areas of life and under-function in others. This is determined by what’s important to you and what you value. For example, if your kid’s grades are more important to you than they are to her, you’re more likely to do her homework for her, or at least keep on her about it, because she can under-function, knowing you’ll pick up the slack.
One thing to keep in mind — if you’re over-functioning for someone, you are under-functioning for yourself. When you are faced with something you want to change, and have a spouse that isn’t on the same page, it’s best to initiate a discussion about the change.
Share your thoughts – openly listen to theirs. It’s very likely that together, you will be able to come up with a solution.
4. Live by what you hold dear.
When you are faced with a situation where you and your spouse aren’t on the same page, live according to your own integrity and values.
If you want to simplify and your spouse doesn’t, simplify your life.
You want to eat healthy and your spouse only wants fast food? Eat healthy.
I’ll leave you with this: At the end of the day, all you are responsible for is you.
***
Corey Allan writes at Simple Marriage where he helps couples create better marriages by keeping things simple. You may also enjoy following him at Twitter.
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chiedu okafor says
I don’t know how to reach out to my husband of 5yrs with 3 kids. Being that I earn more than him, I’ve always try not make that a problem. My salary I give to him until I couldn’t bear the way he spends money. He doesn’t. Help out at home especially knowing I work full time and still take care of 3 kids without extra help. He just prefers to lay around eat and watch TV or stay on net. I have tried to have a discussion with him but to no avail. How can make him understand that at the end of the I’m so worn out to have sex. He then starts lashing out that I don’t care about him. I do but he’s always depressed that he comes home drunk and late most night. I still love my husband but I can’t continue like this because its wearing me down and I don’t have the energy to look after the kids alone. Pls help.
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This is very essential if you have shy personality to communicate with partner
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Chrissy Sybesma says
I def see some key points, but I also think you are promoting more selfish thinking than compromise. Yes we are all individuals and have our own lives, but when you are married or are in a committed relationship there should be more compromise and respect. Don’t value yourself enough to make healthy changes of course, but also see the other point of view first and consider all possibility and outcomes before making a decision. Sometimes being right doesn’t outweigh the benefit of understanding of your partner.
Chrissy Sybesma says
Sorry I meant DO value yourself enough!
Anon/CL33 says
Understand that you’re taking this as self serving advice, however, speaking from experience (in a 25yr long relationship 16-41 & gone through so much turmoil early early on) I can say, the advice isn’t meant self serving.
It’s intented as a self priority, became so many times in relationships we wife/husband each & or, will shut down, putting how we feel, interpret, stance, wants, needs, etc back into the vault, allowing a situation/issue to go unresolved on our end, giving up & giving into their side, feelings, views, observations, stance & grounds (In other words allowing them & their way, to kinda have that upper hand (not that it’s to battle the right or wrong /there literally shouldn’t be a right or wrong side/ both can be right & wrong & still come to an in between ground of understanding each version with respect)
Problem thought is usually 1 of the 2 refuse to step an inch out of their version & preach their “point” until it shatters the stone it’s written on.
This article is telling each person, that though, Yes there’s 2 people in the relationship & regardless of it suppose to be all about a team & not “JUST the I”
A person must still give their ownself priority as well! Each must take into consideration their own feelings, priorities & in each battle picked & chosen, In those chosen in importance, We deserve & owe it to “ourselves” to stop sweeping ourselves under the rug just because the other refuses to comprehend it through our eyes & shoes!
If for the most part its a good relationship (yall aren’t fighting over nit pick stupid shit daily, you’re both fully invest in each other & the only aim you have in the disagreement is getting across with better understanding, validation & finding ways & tools to resolve something (that could continue being/causing more problems in the future) & Are attempting that in a peaceful manner, Not insulting, degrading, belittling, being vendictive, not using words or knowledge as a weapon against the other.
Granted we picky our battles wisely, so many times issues are due to pettiness nonsense that I can’t understand how it became a heated topic much less a full blown argument, So as long as we’re using a strategy similar to this & come across an issue that’s”IMPORTANT” enough to voice to begin with, Then it’s something each individual owes it to themselves to not just give in to the opposite person, Each person has to take care of their own mental, emotional, spiritual & physical self, before taking care of their spouse (Yes we’re a team, yes I take care of him, he takes care of me, yes I carry only good intentions for him in every aspect, never would I intentionally choose anything that would bring pain on him, just to give myself some form of unjust pleasure. I give him as much mental, emotional, spiritual & physical as I hope to have reciprocated. I give the conclusion on many issues, “we must just agree to disagree”
& never do i say my side is higher valued & never do I just dismiss his side as irrelevant to my side.
Also in most arguments there’s not a strong team, It goes a lot more ping pong or something, one against the other, if the argument was as a team then we’d be on each others side….
Anon/CL33 says
Now I will say, that tonight me & my s/o had a disagreement, 1st in months & after having an awesome day together (& after working our way back from a huge fallout that nearly ended a 26yr relationship)
Once again though the topic is a past issue, 1 that occurred off & on over 4rs (mind you I can’t fill you in on the extent of our background, history, horrors, trials, tribulations, achievements & successors that brings us to our standing point today or today a year ago)
However this is an occurring issue, became it’s something we still haven’t worked through & resolved all contributing factors, So each time this subject comes up it remains in 1 version (His version, His views, His reasons for why any of it went how it went, His descions, His “level” of understanding, & His solutions)
Where as the issue at hand has several contributing factors, several ways it could be viewed, several levels of factors ranging at different depths as well. His view is that A, B, & C were the result of=Z, When actually A, B & C were the result of= Z, X, 1, & 2 (+factors= Most of which he basis his view only with an external perception ~outside looking in~ & little being on internal facts of which I’ve tried voicing (respectively multiple times, regardless what I say or how I say it, He refuses to open Z, X, 1 & 2 exists.
I’ve explained that I understand A, B & C, acknowledge their factors, contributions, & ramifications, I’ve explained how I except them, my fault in them, my wrongs in them, apologized & given my 100 in changed behavior which resulted in A, B & C, Ultimately tackling & conquering A, B & C giving them no room to continue as an issue.
However Z, X, 1 & 2 still exists ZX12 fully & had somewhere between 50%-60% contributions at times & at other only a 10%-30% in contributions, yet each time I acknowledge ZX12, he says ZX12 don’t matter because AB&C is bigger.
But NO! This is something that needs full understanding & healing in order for us “both” to digest it, pull ourselves & each other out of the hurt it caused (us both) in order for us to complete the full obstacle coarse, cross the finish line & hold another trophy, I need him to stop “PUSHING” the his only version to an experience that I lived. (Just as things he’s done in the past that I wasn’t present for or things he does now that I’m not present for, that he tells me or others about, get to be his version, his experience, He gets to own those truths in his words, his choices, reasons, etc. The exterior version from my views or opinions do not get to (nor have I ever attempted to override his version with an only me version of it)
Well I’m sorry for my wrongs to our team & to him personally for pains he endured while I had lost me! Just as he is sorry for his wrongs to out team & me personally for pains I endured.
But I’m only asking for us to heal from what I inflicted on us with the same justification, individualizam for each person’s experiences & soul journey through an evolving time.
I’ve hit a point in life, it’s not so much about nonsensual fussing & fighting through daily nonsense,
It’s about us as 1:1 2, individuals still, living & learning through the 1 chance we’re granted & truly aiming for it to be the absolutely best, most loving, supportive, nurturing, understanding, fulfilling, rewarding, most prosperous that 2 people can achieve. To me a relationship isn’t just day to day, living, breathing, working, goin through the everyday motions, & as reba says “Wondering if there’s more to life out there”
I dont want to build or cause another resentments & grudges & regrets over “LIFE” “LEARNING LIFE” “FAILURES” & “UNHEALED EMOTIONAL TRAUMA THAT EXIST DUES TO PREVIOUS GENERATIONAL BELIEF’S”
Regardless of being in a 100% committed, loving, determined relationship, team, family, ride or die, soulmate, puzzles pieces, on a life long journey together….. Each & everyone of us & out there in the world are also “INDIVIDUALS” still! My aim is that we still have a comprehension of being 2 individual lives, living a life devoted to each other, Allowed to carry an individualizam as a “TEAM”
Each able to thrive in their own individual evolvement, Which then allows the team a bigger evolvement TOGETHER!