In college, I had dinner with a friend named Donnie. He wasn’t much older than me but was certainly more mature — although that wasn’t particularly difficult at the time :)
I looked up to him in quite a few ways. But one thing that impressed me, maybe above everything else, was his ability to engage in conversation wherever we were. It didn’t matter what room we walked into, or the people in the room, Donnie was always quick to make new friends and start new relationships.
People just seemed to like him immediately after meeting him.
So, at dinner, I asked him how he was able to do that so effortlessly.
His answer to my question changed the way I engage in conversation ever since. And even to this day, I consider it the greatest conversation advice I’ve ever received.
When I asked him how he was so good at talking to people, he said this, “Oh, it’s easy. Just ask a lot of questions. Ask about their family, their job, their hobbies, their past… anything really. People love talking about themselves.”
I immediately put this idea into practice. And found it works incredibly well—in every circumstance and interaction. Simply ask questions.
Years later, when reading the incredibly popular book by Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People, I found the advice repeated:
So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.
I still apply his advice today whenever I meet someone new or am catching up with a friend.
And I have found there is a dual benefit to the approach. Not only does asking questions result in great conversation, it benefits me as well.
First, it results in a selfless attitude.
To begin the practice of asking questions, you need to make the conversation not about you. Every time you ask a question, by definition, you are shifting the attention away from you and toward the other person.
Asking questions forces selflessness onto us.
You can’t hold a desire to draw attention to your own accomplishments or stories while genuinely inquiring about the other person’s. Rather than looking for opportunities to proclaim our own interests, the attention is focused on theirs.
Second, it helps us become better listeners.
Asking good questions requires good ears and a focused attention.
Anyone can ask questions (and that’s always a good place to start). But asking great questions will require you to be a good listener.
The more you practice this approach to conversation, the more you learn this skill.
Focused attention can lead to follow up questions. It can help you remember important details about the other person. And may even help you understand their emotions or passion related to the topic they are discussing.
Third, it results in better learning.
Everyone we meet has a backstory of experience. And the more questions we ask, the more we learn about the world. Because we learn about more than just the person, we learn about humanity.
Everyone wants a friend who cares about them (selfless), who pays attention to them (good listener), and can understand the world and their point of view (learner).
Asking questions provides that opportunity.
Even all these years later, it’s still the greatest conversation advice I’ve ever received. What about you?
Katherine Reid says
This is a great article and the advice has worked well in my experience. You can be surprised how interesting some people are! Recently, while at the funeral of an uncle, I found myself sitting with a cousin I barely know and hadn’t seen in years. After greetings and small talk I asked “What’s up, what’s new, what are you looking forward to?” This woman is very unassuming and certainly not wealthy, but she told me sh3 and her sister were planning a cycling trip to Ireland in the fall, and a cruise to Antarctica in February. WHA…?? I found out she and her sister have been all over the world on many interesting trips. As one who would have loved to travel like that but didn’t do it, I learned so much and got to know my cousin in a completely new light. And she was thrilled to share!
Everybody has a story that needs to come out.
Wendy says
I hear this alot. Ask questions. Difficulty lies with the fact I am an introvert. I don’t have trouble talking to people in checkout lines, its the only other person in the room situation, that wrecks me. I can ask a question but somehow it is not taken in the right way or its misunderstood.My words come out backwards and inside out, upside down, and sometimes just don’t show up for the escalator down to my tongue. Is there a list of good, better, best, questions? Where do you go for confidence in asking the right question at the right time?
Meijken says
I have a similar problem. Many times when I compliment someone it comes out sounding like an insult! Or their face shows a sense of wonder if I really meant it. I’ve had this happen when my compliment was so sincere in my heart. So I think I get what you mean, at least a little bit. :)
Conversing comes easier to me than complimenting.
For a new acquaintance, I usually begin with, “Where are you from?” That tends to get them going. Listen and then ask more about something they said that piques your interest. For me, a mother, I naturally tend to steer the chat to their family. If they mention a child, I ask how many children they have? That launches another good bit of information. If they mention somewhere else they have lived, you can ask more about that place or share that you would like to go there someday, then they will share more.
Ultimately it takes practice. Don’t get discouraged if your first try doesn’t go well. It will also depend on the other person. If they are a sharer. Sometimes people really need to talk and without intending to, you are a therapist as you listen and they find answers within themselves to their problems, when they open up.
You never know. But practicing is the way to go. Just try it, and you will get more and more comfortable with it over time.
Tammy says
I would love to know this as well, Wendy! You described me to a T! I was brought up by a mother that was so closed off and “proper” that she thought asking people questions like was described above was WAY too personal and would be viewed as nosy. But I would so live to know how to phrase questions well to get to know people better and have good conversations.
Avery says
I think a lot depends on the nature of the relationship you have with the person you’re talking to…less personal questions for people you don’t know as well, etc. Try to ask specific questions. So, you might ask a co-worker, “did you get to do anything to relax over the weekend?” That’s more likely to get a conversation going than if you just ask “how was your weekend?” Or “did you have a good weekend?” Then, if they say “yes, I went fishing.” You can follow up with asking about how long they’re been doing it, or how they got into it. They also might come back with something like “Ha! Relax! What’s that?!” Which might seem like a dead end, but if you show genuine interest/empathy they might open up more.
Danita says
I read that book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, about 40 years ago and it made a lasting impression on me. It is one of the best books I have ever read. It helps a person understand how to relate well with other people and shows how it benefits you as well. It gives you skills you can use for the rest of your life.
Jackie says
Thanks for posting this. I just reserved it at the library. I think it may also help my son who is on the spectrum.
LAO says
I recently saw this idea for conversing with people using FORD…ask questions about their Family, Occupation, Recreation, and Dreams. That has helped me talk with people I don’t know and since I’m naturally kind of shy, it gives me a starting point.
Karen says
This is a great tip to start. I will try this, thanks ! ?
J$ says
100% true.
Plus – you become better question askers over time too! And move towards more interesting areas like, “what are your favorite hobbies?” or “do you believe in aliens?” which are 10x better than “how are you” or “how’s work?” :)
Leslie says
This reminds of another situation I have experienced with a few people. They rapid fire questions and you can hardly answer before another question is asked of you. I have taken these type people as caring and interested, but they really do not want to know. Shallow.
Very thoughtful article.
Jeannette Edwards says
A very fine line between asking questions and being intrusive and personal
Lori says
True. I was hoping someone would say this. Have to be careful not to give the 3rd degree or ask questions which might not want to be answered.
Robin says
Recently had a neopathic doctor so this to me! It was refreshing that she asked me non medical questions. I felt she would stay all day to talk to me and most treat you like a number. This is a good article!
Raeka says
Great article! I’ve heard this advice for job interviews too. Even though the interviewer is supposed to ask you questions, if you can at some point ask them things about themselves (how did you come to work here, how long have you worked here, etc.), the conversation flows much better.
Pat says
Such good advice!
Liz says
This is excellent advice. It is so easy to be fixated on ourselves. You learn a lot about others just by asking simple questions and listening. Thanks you for the reminder to be a better listener!