My wife, Kim, and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage next summer. Our wedding ceremony in 1999 took place at a church in Omaha, NE. As part of the process, we attended premarital counseling. Our counselor’s insights and wisdom helped secure a solid foundation on which to build a successful and happy marriage. I recommend it to everyone.
One of the key components of our counseling sessions was to better understand how each of us were raised differently, by different parents, in different parts of the country. It didn’t take long into our conversation to discover important factors in the way we were raised that led to differences of opinion on things—both big and little.
Take birthdays for example. Birthdays were never a big thing in my family. We celebrated them, of course, but usually when it was convenient—moving the celebration to a weekend was a common occurrence. (Perhaps the fact that my two siblings and I all have birthdays within three days of each other, in December, had something to do with it.)
For my wife, however, the actual birthdate is special. Her family always celebrated each person’s birthday with a large family dinner on the actual day. It included gifts and food and family—and everyone made a point to be there.
In this one example, my wife and I were raised with different experiences that ultimately influenced how we view birthdays. Even to this day, my wife experiences disappointment if I am not as attentive to her actual birthdate as she has come to expect.
Expectations based on our family of origin contribute significantly to the people we are today in countless (and often unforeseen) ways. The family dynamics we experienced and the economic conditions surrounding that phase of life are important for us to examine in order to gain perspective on our tendencies toward material possessions.
Some of our parents were collectors, savers, or even hoarders. These habits may be, in part, due to the generation they grew up in or their own family of origin story. For others, however, your parents threw everything away, or were neat freaks never allowing any sort of a mess in their home.
Both extremes can be influential on children. Sometimes we unintentionally follow in their footsteps, never challenging our assumptions, merely because our parents defined normal for us.
But other times, our family of origin experience may influence us to take the opposite path—especially if we felt it was unhealthy or we were mistreated. Or maybe your experience, like mine, was somewhere in the middle.
One question I often raise with audiences when I speak is to identify how your parents’ relationship with material possessions has influenced your own.
Socioeconomic status can also greatly influence who we become.
Growing up in wealth, or even middle class, greatly shapes our understanding of normal and often influences our baseline expectations for life.
When Kim and I bought our first house, it was exciting to own something we could make our own. However, disappointment soon set in as we moved our old things from our tiny apartment into the 3-bedroom home. It didn’t feel as beautiful as it did when we saw is as a model home. In fact, it felt kinda empty to us.
All of our rooms growing up were full of furnishings, even the closets were stuffed full. Without even questioning our assumptions, we began purchasing more and more things trying to fill the house as soon as possible—never stopping to consider how our parents worked for years to get to the place they were when we came along. We just wanted it all, even expected it, right away. This was our understanding of normal.
Of course, growing up in poverty can also greatly influence one’s relationship with physical possessions.
I have a friend. Let’s call her Hannah. Hannah grew up in poverty with eight siblings in a small home. They did not have many clothes or toys and often wondered where their next meal might come from.
This experience motivated Hannah to make something of herself in the business world. She studied hard, worked hard, and stretched herself whenever possible. Today, she is very successful. Somewhere along the way, she made a vow that she would give her children as good a life as she could possibly afford.
It is understandable how she got to this point and the pressure she puts on herself to provide for her family. But Hannah reached out to me recently because she is starting to think she has gone too far to the other extreme. She is beginning to see unexpected selfishness and entitlement grow in her children.
In order to combat this, Hannah’s family has started volunteering at homeless shelters and giving generously to organizations that help those in need. She wants her children to understand the reality of poverty—the life she knows so well—and help them see better the needs around them. She is beginning to recognize her response to poverty was excess—and that may not be the best answer for her family’s happiness after all.
Our heritage is deeply ingrained in each of us. It is influencing our view of the world and material possessions. But discovering how takes time and emotional energy. Of course, Kim and I can both attest it is worth the effort.
About Joshua Becker
I have learnt to be a minimalist by becoming an entrepreneur and save for my startup. To get more by investing less, which is the lean startup approach.
My husband and I started our minimalist journey a year ago. We have gotten rid of oh so much and we feel a wonderful sense of freedom and clarity in our space now. Our next mission is to reduce debt. One part of our life we are struggling with is the cost of putting our kids in activities. We want them to explore things they like but they have many interests. It seems that we can’t get ahead but we have started things we feel we should not stop. Any suggestions about how you deal with kids many extracurricular activities or what you did when you were working on debt are welcome.
Thanks ☺️
great!
Parents and children can pick many ways what to do together.
“Our parents defined normal for us”.
This statement hit me like a ton of bricks. It speaks volumes in so many aspects of our life. It’s also why some people feel it’s okay to stay in abusive relationships.
This may be one of the best posts I have ever read!
Beautifully written Joshua! Y’all are so inspiring!
My in-laws went to their graves with the ” MINE ” mentality. They were unusual hoarders and put great value on every little thing they owned. They shared nothing…. gave nothing. When they passed, they left behind a bitter legacy for their children and never had a will in place. It was inconceivable to them to ever let go of their possessions. Very selfish. Very sad.
Congratulations on your anniversary! A great mile stone, may you and your family be deeply blessed in the next twenty and beyond!
Considering our heritage, family, and own personal experience in creating the lives that resonate with our values and beliefs is so important. To take the time to unpack any hurts or worries so we act with a clear mind rather then being simply reactive to our past and using “stuff” in what ever shape or form as a soother. Families and people are so inherently complex, sometimes it feels Ike unpacking these things to move forward is like peeling away the layers of an onion. Everyone has a story, its important to take the time to hear them.
-Emma
My immigrant parents said “NO!” a lot when I was a child. I didn’t get my first Barbie doll til I was in 8th grade. I think most girls were DONE WITH Barbies by then. Then my mother wouldn’t buy me an “outfit” for the Barbie doll… Then as high school was beginning, she wouldn’t buy make-up for me, etc. That’s pretty much when my klepto years began, stealing Teenage Mutant Ninja Tutles, etc for my brother too (I am no longer a klepto now of course lol).
I also had a huge sticker collection that I absolutely loved with all my heart (plus some other toys, etc). What money I saved, I spent on my stickers… In a rage (perhaps it was messy and we were not cleaning it up…?) my mother threw out all our (3 kids) toys, sticker books, etc. To this day I remember the emptiness and sadness of having things that I worked so long and so hard to get — in particular my cultivated sticker book collection — to see them violently TRASHED.
When I was finally able to buy things on my own, well, I never wanted to get rid of them. And as an adult, when my husband tried to make me throw out my things – I would react very angrily. MY things! *I* paid for them with MY MONEY!
I AM clearly emotionally attached. It’s taken years for me to get my mindset changed in the right direction. I am ok with donating things to those less fortunate, who will love them. I am NOT OK with throwing my things in the garbage! See? Probably dredging up old, ugly memories!
My family didn’t hug or kiss or say I love you. Authoritarian parenting and corporal punishment was the norm. But as my immigrant parents worked and worked, we rose from poor to a solid middle class! My parents bought more. My father showed his affection by buying my mother THINGS, expensive things. He loved to buy the newest gadget or electronic (he still does). And he apologized the same way, through “I’m sorry” gifts. He apologized frequently to my mother that way. He only apologized once to me that way. My father punched me in the face for “giving him an attitude” (unhappy facial expression) at the dinner table (14 years old and that was the LAST TIME he ever hit me). The next day he gave me a snow globe. It read “cute little devil” and had a little devil inside with red floating hearts on the inside. Twenty-seven years later, I still have that. It no longer has any water inside, but I look at it every few years with bittersweet memories.
I hang on to things “In case I may need them” in the future. I have a lot of things also bc I craft. And I love learning how to fix things and DIY in general. This goes back to a frugal upbringing where we fixed things vs just tossing them if possible. So I love tools and I love supplies and I bought/buy in bulk often with the mentality of “saving money” in the long run. I swear I could host crafting parties with the amount of crafting supplies I have!
I could go on and on! I haven’t even gotten to talking about the different upbringing between my husband and I. Your post was SPOT ON correct!!!
I am just going to cut myself off here and say THANK YOU. Thank you for your insightful post. I am not the only one in the same boat.
And we are who we are, bc of how we were raised (mostly).
:)
Both my parents were refugees, they did have much while growing up.
My dad is hoarder. And he taught his hoarding habits to me and my brother.
My brother still has problems with hoarding. He seems unaware of it.
Luckily, I discovered what hoarding was and learned about minimalism. I’ve thrown a lot of stuff away and I feel so much better now my space isn’t so cluttered anymore.
What a great post to let us all think about why we look at our homes, and the life we live in them, differently. No right or wrong, juts different. Very nice.
I’m on my way to getting a handle on all my “stuff” accumulated from close to 50 years of marriage. I was raised after age 15 along with my four younger siblings by a single Mom after our Dad passed away. We had the basics and lots of love but not a lot of material things. Once I started making good money, I admit to spending a lot of money on clothes, shoes and stuff and now I’m trying to get rid of all the excess. I’m not a Horder but I do love my stuff. I have found it liberating to be able to minimize but it’s slow going.
I always thought my family were the hoarders growing up as mum’s house was cluttered and my husband’s family wasn’t as it was organised. How wrong I was. Now my mother in law is terminally ill and we need to reduce the furniture etc in the house for mobility, the amount of attachment to useless things is phenomenal. They might not have a lot of clutter in the house but what they do have they refuse to get rid of. The amount of emotional clutter is huge in comparison to physical clutter.
Thank you Joshua for a very enlightening article.
My husband of 28 years grew up poor. He didn’t have Christmas trees or birthday parties. As an adult, his stuff is super important to him and he has trouble letting go, even if he no longer needs/uses items. His stuff now takes up enough space to be troublesome. Slowly, he is taking steps to weed out the less important things. It’s taking time and I’m willing to be patient.
My mom created perfect settings for our family’s spacious living and dining rooms. Everything was sacred. We only used these rooms for special events. It was impossible to relax or enjoy ourselves. My brother, sister, dad and I did not have a family room or anywhere to kick back.
As you can imagine, my memories are a mix of happiness tainted by anxiety, lest someone spill, use the wrong fork or touch a breakable object. Fast forward to when mom needed to move to assisted living a few years ago. The “sacred” coffee table fell apart, nobody wanted the big couch (it went to the dump in pristine condition) and few of the decorative items or masses of sliver serving pieces, full sets of fancy dishes and crystal stemware were bought at the estate sale.
I enjoy weeding out my unhelpful accumulations and am buying much less these days. If you visit our home, you will note that there’s no dining room, just a great room/kitchen. Feel free to drop by, put your feet on the coffee tables and lounge on any of the chairs or couches while snacking. Washable slip covers are my way of keeping clean, guilt-free furniture. There are a few special items; however, they are placed where nobody will accidentally knock them down. We meet friends at restaurants for lunch (we’re both retired) because I can’t stand to entertain groups and my husband is comfortable in a restaurant setting.
I thought the same thing about giving my children what I didn’t have, but I was happy with the little I had. My children were very overwhelmed with stuff. Now they are adults and one of them has so much stuff it depresses her. I’m going to help her minimize in a few weeks. Our youngest, who is autistic and 8 yrs old, doesn’t have a lot of stuff, but she wants it all out on the floor where she can see it. This started about 6 months ago. Before that she cleaned up when asked. So seeing all of her stuff out all the time is stressing me out. I can’t just say “Clean that up”! Her level of autism makes that hard. I watch her to see what she is playing with and I slowly remove an item or two and put it away. Not sure what else to do.
What a great article! Loved it. The bigger picture view, seeing how we grew up helped us shaping how we approach our household. I really liked the bit about the birthdays and its celebration. Something we don’t agree on with my partner.
We do some pre-field training for missionaries. One aspect we discuss is the lifestyle in which each one was raised. We talk about “Needs-Wants-Wishes”, which are different for each economic level in which we were raised. The conclusion of the topic requires some deep soul-searching, as we encourage them to live “as-much-as-possible” on the level of the people among whom they will minister.
To my utter dismay, once when we were on the field, we found out that one lady, with whom we had become friends and who was receiving financial support from a number of churches and friends, had a MILLION DOLLAR TOY! Her Dad had put one million dollars into the stock market in her name when she was just a girl. She never put any in nor took any out. It was just a toy! (Obviously, she had NOT gone through our training!)
Love this post. We all come into adulthood with presuppositions about so many things.
One idea I wanted to share about birthdays (which I realize was not the main point!) is to use your birthday to serve someone else or to serve a ministry rather than making it “all about me”. My Great Aunt Lula Rae (if you guessed Alabama, you guessed right) gave me this idea and I loved it. It takes the “pressure” off of everyone around you to meet your expectations. I’m an only child so I had high expectations!
So true and thoughtfully written. My husband is one of three siblings raised by a single mother on a teaching salary. He holds on to everything (and I mean everything), and I need to remember to be patient, because I know it’s a reflection of his upbringing. My mother on the other hand, doesn’t spend much time at all thinking about her purchases or the consequence of them. I have clothing that’s she’s purchased for my children with tags still attached that cannot be returned because she does not know where receipts are. The clothing will be consigned or donated. Grandparents, please believe us when we say we value experiences over things!! We beg you. Thank goodness, after years of asking to cut down on material presents, our Christmas presents are now memberships to local museums, gift cards for day trip experiences and the like.
I have been decluttering for years. 4 garage sales, countless trips to the donation store and just trying to emotionally detach myself from the things that I have kept for so long. Things that I’ve had since childhood and things that belonged to my family. It was my mother who taught me to become emotionally attached to things and she doesn’t understand why I want to let them go. Her home is cluttered to the point of being almost unliveable. She envies other people with clean and clutter free homes, yet she can’t or won’t take that first step to let go. This summer I finally let go of my Stephen King book collection. Books I’ve had for more than 20 years. More treasured items to go, but it does get easier. Good luck to all starting their journey.
Thank you for this perspective.
Cleaning out my parents-in-law‘s house last year has confronted me with a part of my husband‘s upbringing, seeing what his parents valued through the stuff they had left in the house (not all intentionally, though, my mother-in-law died of Alzheimers and her husband was appearantly overwhelmed facing all the stuff and all the keep/not keep decisions).
It
helped me see how far my husband has come and how he has consciously developed an in many ways utterly different relationship with things and belongings.
At the same time I decided to give the house and our family (we have moved in here in the beginning of the year) literally room to breathe again and am still working on minimizing the possessions we have brought from our previous (much larger) home.
I feel like my husband and I are closer now than ever before and I ascribe this to the fact that I have changed towards cautious and sustainable consumption which makes him a lot more comfortable.
I could say we‘re truly on the same page now of a topic that has caused regular heated arguments between us!
This made me think of the book and movie called Mully. Cannot recommend enough!
YES BEST POST YET! I totally agree I am on
the path and feel so much better for it! I will
elaborate when I can put into words. A new me!💁
You have the best insight into how possessions, poverty or having everything influences who we become. As a single mom, I couldn’t give my daughters everything. Today, however, my daughter is a neat freak, throws away everything and feels I am a hoarder, which I am not, but will keep shoes and clothes for another season. I also keep too much food in the fridge. Why? I was always cold and hungry as a kid. Everyone else got what they needed because they were cute, skinny, sickly or whatever reason! Thanks, today I found out why I do and keep the things I do! Helps me understand myself instead of condemning myself!
Thank you, Joshua, for a meaningful blog post. My family were hoarders, and my husband’s family were a neat no mess family. My mother “collected” hoarded yarn, material, sewing stuff, books. Now years later I see my sisters and I are “collecting” hoarding the same stuff. It was so hard to clean out my mother’s house when she died that I said I would not do that my children. So things are moving out of my house and given to others who may need them — libraries, nursing homes. The process has also become a blessing. Thanks again, Joshua.
So interesting. My mom has a formal living room that is never used except for guests & is kept pristine. I think this would have been called a parlour room in previous generations. The rest of the house is pretty cluttered. It was my normal growing up but I couldn’t live like that now with every surface filled with stuff. My mom always had to go on a big cleaning binge if any relatives came to stay. And if you unexpectedly came by without calling first & giving her a heads up, you were on her permanent black list! Lol The rest of the house, with normal living, wasn’t how she wanted to present herself to the outside world. As for me, a more minimalist look helps me feel calm & peaceful in a chaotic world. Clutter stresses me out, and I’m not as attached to my belongings, but my mom grew up poor and I think she feels safer mentally being surrounded by stuff. That’s understandable.
CONGRATULATIONS on 2 decades of marriage. That is a wonderful milestone, and I hope you are finding time to celebrate.
Your family’s journey to minimalism, and your blog posts describing it, have helped me and my family so much. Four years after my first trip to the donation center, our family has so much more peace and focus. I was just thinking yesterday how long it took to get here, and how much we have changed in the process. And how we continue to develop.
Joshua, your subject is all so true and well written! Although pursuing more minimalism every day, I still struggle with JUST IN CASE even at age 65! My parents were depression children and we were subconsciously instilled that everything usable should be kept for when you might need it again. We were poor and this was necessity. We were not hoarders. I still struggle with this. Having a somewhat survival mentality, I think I should keep every quilt, every set of sheets, etc, in case the grid goes down, family has to move in with me, etc. Yes, the collections of antique stuff are gone, but the useful things that are just in case tend to linger. Sigh………
I often wonder if this is because of my logical mind, or do I lack faith for the future? Venezuela used to be a rich country and look at it now. It could happen here, too. So, I struggle between wanting to clear out the closet and keeping the extra sheets. Ha!
That’s me. I also have watched far too many terrible American disaster movies! Those sheets- tie them together and they become an eascape tool OR compression bandages. And all the screws and nots in the garage? Well you might need those to fix the alien spacecraft to go help save the planet. Just joking of course, sort of. I struggle with letting go of the extra basic things too.
That’s me. I also have watched far too many terrible American disaster movies! Those sheets- tie them together and they become an eascape tool OR compression bandages. And all the screws and nots in the garage? Well you might need those to fix the alien spacecraft to go help save the planet. Just joking of course, sort of. I struggle with letting go of the extra basic things too.
I think this is perhaps the best post I’ve read! Thank you!
I agree! My husband and I just celebrated 46 years of marriage yesterday. He came from a family of 12 children and his mom was a hoarder and I came from a family of 4 children and my mom was a neat and clean freak. It’s been a struggle trying to get him to become a minimalist, but I can understand why he wants to hold onto things. I’m not giving up trying to convert him to minimalism.
A great example of why as people we should go out of our way to embrace everyone and value their experiences.
Our experiences will shape us and predispose us to certain behaviors and reactions but it does not have to be permanent.
With help and guidance from each other we can choose the life we would like to live ;-)
I need help. I have stuff everywhere and I feel over welded. Where to start. How do I start.
I started with some boxes in the corner. However, what helped me the most, after I had been working for awhile, was asking my babysitter to clear all the surfaces for me when I was gone. I later sorted the boxes: pitched, donated, put back (but not much, our coffee table is always clear now, for instance). The gave me an idea of how things could look, and immediately helped and built a feeling of accomplishment. Perhaps you can find someone to do something similar for you with the surfaces, or the bathroom. Good luck!
Sheri, I am working on that now. I have had two major pick ups and Pick Up Please America helped me. They have a page on FB. They pick up items that you bag or box outside your home for free! I scheduled a pick up first, this made me accountable to start packing items. Once I saw those boxes and bags going outside my place it felt great and really motivated me! I am 57 and overweight and not in the best shape. I actually started fasting and took 14 days off from work. I started tackling my bedroom which is like a giant walk in closet (My walk in closet is filled to the point you can’t walk in there). I have empty drawers in my kitchen, I see floor in my bedroom and I’m not done yet! I am able to think and focus better and not feel overwhelmed. Losing weight getting rid of pounds and stuff is amazing!! You can take bany steps or go all out. I watch my spending better now. If you buy something then donate something else you own. Want to see inspiration? I posted pictures of those major pick ups on Instagram (laneyoflimerick) 2 of them are up there. I shared to help others that might have the same issue. Also to make myself publicly accountable. I’m not a hoarder just too much stuff in my apartment after 20 years of being here. I overstock items a habit I picked up unfortunately from my mum. Packrat would be the term.
You got this Sheri! 😊
If volume of stuff seems overwhelming, start small – focusing on one shelf or box for instance and NOT visions of the entire daunting task. Plug away a little at a time, keeping in mind Rome wasn’t built in a day 😊 It may take a while to start seeing results in renewed open space, organization. Once you do, it will give you confidence and energy to eliminate more. Minimalism is a journey for all of us – few reach that apex of absolute balance. Soon, the minimal mindset will become a lifestyle. Nothing can describe the peace of that simple life. Blessings.
The first thing that popped to mind when I was reading your article, is what occasion your parents have in March that calls for celebrations between the sheets! I know a lot of children are born in September (with the Christmas and New Year’s celebrations 9 months prior) – just like me – so forgive me this cheeky thought ;)
Furtheron, I really like how you’ve been putting things in perspective. These thoughts are regular occurences to me since I’ve become a parent, as it sometimes becomes very clear how differently me and the Mister were raised now that we have some raising of our own to do!
Sheri, I am working on that now. I have had two major pick ups and Pick Up Please America helped me. They have a page on FB. They pick up items that you bag or box outside your home for free! I scheduled a pick up first, this made me accountable to start packing items. Once I saw those boxes and bags going outside my place it felt great and really motivated me! I am 57 and overweight and not in the best shape. I actually started fasting and took 14 days off from work. I started tackling my bedroom which is like a giant walk in closet (My walk in closet is filled to the point you can’t walk in there). I have empty drawers in my kitchen, I see floor in my bedroom and I’m not done yet! I am able to think and focus better and not feel overwhelmed. Losing weight getting rid of pounds and stuff is amazing!! You can take baby steps or go all out. I watch my spending better now. If you buy something then donate something else you own. Want to see inspiration? I posted pictures of those major pick ups on Instagram (laneyoflimerick) 2 of them are up there. I shared to help others that might have the same issue. Also to make myself publicly accountable. I’m not a hoarder just too much stuff in my apartment after 20 years of being here. I overstock items a habit I picked up unfortunately from my mum. Packrat would be the term.
You got this Sheri! 😊
Laney, you sound awesome. I wanna be your friend. You have inspired me!
Keep up the great work!
Thank-you Beth! 😊 Still have more to get rid of however, I am determined to keep only what I really need. 👍
Nathalie, I am thinking for March St. Patrick’s Day? 🍀😄
My mother placed great value on our home being beautifully decorated, clothes,shoes huge Christmas trees, she let money go to her head. My father was left $33,000 in debt when she passed. Sad thing was there were expensive art pieces on the wall, but no family photos.
I provide necessities for my daughter, but put far less emphasis on clothes, furniture. I choose to live simply. There are drawings my daughter made, and pictures of us on the wall.
Has that phrase been edited out?! Can’t see that anywhere!