My wife, Kim, and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage next summer. Our wedding ceremony in 1999 took place at a church in Omaha, NE. As part of the process, we attended premarital counseling. Our counselor’s insights and wisdom helped secure a solid foundation on which to build a successful and happy marriage. I recommend it to everyone.
One of the key components of our counseling sessions was to better understand how each of us were raised differently, by different parents, in different parts of the country. It didn’t take long into our conversation to discover important factors in the way we were raised that led to differences of opinion on things—both big and little.
Take birthdays for example. Birthdays were never a big thing in my family. We celebrated them, of course, but usually when it was convenient—moving the celebration to a weekend was a common occurrence. (Perhaps the fact that my two siblings and I all have birthdays within three days of each other, in December, had something to do with it.)
For my wife, however, the actual birthdate is special. Her family always celebrated each person’s birthday with a large family dinner on the actual day. It included gifts and food and family—and everyone made a point to be there.
In this one example, my wife and I were raised with different experiences that ultimately influenced how we view birthdays. Even to this day, my wife experiences disappointment if I am not as attentive to her actual birthdate as she has come to expect.
Expectations based on our family of origin contribute significantly to the people we are today in countless (and often unforeseen) ways. The family dynamics we experienced and the economic conditions surrounding that phase of life are important for us to examine in order to gain perspective on our tendencies toward material possessions.
Some of our parents were collectors, savers, or even hoarders. These habits may be, in part, due to the generation they grew up in or their own family of origin story. For others, however, your parents threw everything away, or were neat freaks never allowing any sort of a mess in their home.
Both extremes can be influential on children. Sometimes we unintentionally follow in their footsteps, never challenging our assumptions, merely because our parents defined normal for us.
But other times, our family of origin experience may influence us to take the opposite path—especially if we felt it was unhealthy or we were mistreated. Or maybe your experience, like mine, was somewhere in the middle.
One question I often raise with audiences when I speak is to identify how your parents’ relationship with material possessions has influenced your own.
Socioeconomic status can also greatly influence who we become.
Growing up in wealth, or even middle class, greatly shapes our understanding of normal and often influences our baseline expectations for life.
When Kim and I bought our first house, it was exciting to own something we could make our own. However, disappointment soon set in as we moved our old things from our tiny apartment into the 3-bedroom home. It didn’t feel as beautiful as it did when we saw is as a model home. In fact, it felt kinda empty to us.
All of our rooms growing up were full of furnishings, even the closets were stuffed full. Without even questioning our assumptions, we began purchasing more and more things trying to fill the house as soon as possible—never stopping to consider how our parents worked for years to get to the place they were when we came along. We just wanted it all, even expected it, right away. This was our understanding of normal.
Of course, growing up in poverty can also greatly influence one’s relationship with physical possessions.
I have a friend. Let’s call her Hannah. Hannah grew up in poverty with eight siblings in a small home. They did not have many clothes or toys and often wondered where their next meal might come from.
This experience motivated Hannah to make something of herself in the business world. She studied hard, worked hard, and stretched herself whenever possible. Today, she is very successful. Somewhere along the way, she made a vow that she would give her children as good a life as she could possibly afford.
It is understandable how she got to this point and the pressure she puts on herself to provide for her family. But Hannah reached out to me recently because she is starting to think she has gone too far to the other extreme. She is beginning to see unexpected selfishness and entitlement grow in her children.
In order to combat this, Hannah’s family has started volunteering at homeless shelters and giving generously to organizations that help those in need. She wants her children to understand the reality of poverty—the life she knows so well—and help them see better the needs around them. She is beginning to recognize her response to poverty was excess—and that may not be the best answer for her family’s happiness after all.
Our heritage is deeply ingrained in each of us. It is influencing our view of the world and material possessions. But discovering how takes time and emotional energy. Of course, Kim and I can both attest it is worth the effort.
Rachel says
I always thought my family were the hoarders growing up as mum’s house was cluttered and my husband’s family wasn’t as it was organised. How wrong I was. Now my mother in law is terminally ill and we need to reduce the furniture etc in the house for mobility, the amount of attachment to useless things is phenomenal. They might not have a lot of clutter in the house but what they do have they refuse to get rid of. The amount of emotional clutter is huge in comparison to physical clutter.
Ruta Dianne says
Thank you Joshua for a very enlightening article.
My husband of 28 years grew up poor. He didn’t have Christmas trees or birthday parties. As an adult, his stuff is super important to him and he has trouble letting go, even if he no longer needs/uses items. His stuff now takes up enough space to be troublesome. Slowly, he is taking steps to weed out the less important things. It’s taking time and I’m willing to be patient.
My mom created perfect settings for our family’s spacious living and dining rooms. Everything was sacred. We only used these rooms for special events. It was impossible to relax or enjoy ourselves. My brother, sister, dad and I did not have a family room or anywhere to kick back.
As you can imagine, my memories are a mix of happiness tainted by anxiety, lest someone spill, use the wrong fork or touch a breakable object. Fast forward to when mom needed to move to assisted living a few years ago. The “sacred” coffee table fell apart, nobody wanted the big couch (it went to the dump in pristine condition) and few of the decorative items or masses of sliver serving pieces, full sets of fancy dishes and crystal stemware were bought at the estate sale.
I enjoy weeding out my unhelpful accumulations and am buying much less these days. If you visit our home, you will note that there’s no dining room, just a great room/kitchen. Feel free to drop by, put your feet on the coffee tables and lounge on any of the chairs or couches while snacking. Washable slip covers are my way of keeping clean, guilt-free furniture. There are a few special items; however, they are placed where nobody will accidentally knock them down. We meet friends at restaurants for lunch (we’re both retired) because I can’t stand to entertain groups and my husband is comfortable in a restaurant setting.
autismwithgrace says
I thought the same thing about giving my children what I didn’t have, but I was happy with the little I had. My children were very overwhelmed with stuff. Now they are adults and one of them has so much stuff it depresses her. I’m going to help her minimize in a few weeks. Our youngest, who is autistic and 8 yrs old, doesn’t have a lot of stuff, but she wants it all out on the floor where she can see it. This started about 6 months ago. Before that she cleaned up when asked. So seeing all of her stuff out all the time is stressing me out. I can’t just say “Clean that up”! Her level of autism makes that hard. I watch her to see what she is playing with and I slowly remove an item or two and put it away. Not sure what else to do.
Hana says
What a great article! Loved it. The bigger picture view, seeing how we grew up helped us shaping how we approach our household. I really liked the bit about the birthdays and its celebration. Something we don’t agree on with my partner.
Neal Pirolo says
We do some pre-field training for missionaries. One aspect we discuss is the lifestyle in which each one was raised. We talk about “Needs-Wants-Wishes”, which are different for each economic level in which we were raised. The conclusion of the topic requires some deep soul-searching, as we encourage them to live “as-much-as-possible” on the level of the people among whom they will minister.
To my utter dismay, once when we were on the field, we found out that one lady, with whom we had become friends and who was receiving financial support from a number of churches and friends, had a MILLION DOLLAR TOY! Her Dad had put one million dollars into the stock market in her name when she was just a girl. She never put any in nor took any out. It was just a toy! (Obviously, she had NOT gone through our training!)
Renee says
Love this post. We all come into adulthood with presuppositions about so many things.
One idea I wanted to share about birthdays (which I realize was not the main point!) is to use your birthday to serve someone else or to serve a ministry rather than making it “all about me”. My Great Aunt Lula Rae (if you guessed Alabama, you guessed right) gave me this idea and I loved it. It takes the “pressure” off of everyone around you to meet your expectations. I’m an only child so I had high expectations!
LJ says
So true and thoughtfully written. My husband is one of three siblings raised by a single mother on a teaching salary. He holds on to everything (and I mean everything), and I need to remember to be patient, because I know it’s a reflection of his upbringing. My mother on the other hand, doesn’t spend much time at all thinking about her purchases or the consequence of them. I have clothing that’s she’s purchased for my children with tags still attached that cannot be returned because she does not know where receipts are. The clothing will be consigned or donated. Grandparents, please believe us when we say we value experiences over things!! We beg you. Thank goodness, after years of asking to cut down on material presents, our Christmas presents are now memberships to local museums, gift cards for day trip experiences and the like.
Yolanda says
I have been decluttering for years. 4 garage sales, countless trips to the donation store and just trying to emotionally detach myself from the things that I have kept for so long. Things that I’ve had since childhood and things that belonged to my family. It was my mother who taught me to become emotionally attached to things and she doesn’t understand why I want to let them go. Her home is cluttered to the point of being almost unliveable. She envies other people with clean and clutter free homes, yet she can’t or won’t take that first step to let go. This summer I finally let go of my Stephen King book collection. Books I’ve had for more than 20 years. More treasured items to go, but it does get easier. Good luck to all starting their journey.
Wendy says
Thank you for this perspective.
Cleaning out my parents-in-law‘s house last year has confronted me with a part of my husband‘s upbringing, seeing what his parents valued through the stuff they had left in the house (not all intentionally, though, my mother-in-law died of Alzheimers and her husband was appearantly overwhelmed facing all the stuff and all the keep/not keep decisions).
It
helped me see how far my husband has come and how he has consciously developed an in many ways utterly different relationship with things and belongings.
At the same time I decided to give the house and our family (we have moved in here in the beginning of the year) literally room to breathe again and am still working on minimizing the possessions we have brought from our previous (much larger) home.
I feel like my husband and I are closer now than ever before and I ascribe this to the fact that I have changed towards cautious and sustainable consumption which makes him a lot more comfortable.
I could say we‘re truly on the same page now of a topic that has caused regular heated arguments between us!
L says
This made me think of the book and movie called Mully. Cannot recommend enough!