Is that it?
Three words—uttered by kids—often represent the most dreaded scenario for parents on Christmas morning.
“Is that it?” As in, “Are there really no more presents? This is all I get this year?”
Nobody wants their child to be disappointed on Christmas morning. It is supposed to be a magical day with endless smiles and play. But instead, too often, it ends in disappointment—disappointment for the child as they didn’t get all they wanted and disappointment for the parent as a result.
As parents, we react in different ways. We point out how many gifts they already opened. We promise additional gifts at grandma’s house. Quietly, we wonder how many more presents we needed to buy to make them happy.
And unfortunately, too often, we put the blame on the wrong person—them.
I don’t think anybody means any harm in the words they use with their kids leading up to the holiday season. They are common phrases—holiday classics. The words seem to roll off our parental tongues naturally—sometimes we even think they serve a higher purpose.
When our child misbehaves, we remind them Santa only brings presents to nice boys and girls.
When toys are advertised on TV or in stores and our child expresses interest, we tell them they should put it on their Christmas list.
We count for them how many times this season they will get to open presents: once at our house, Christmas morning at grandma’s house, Christmas evening at the other grandparents’.
We help them write letters to Santa and visit him at the mall so our kids can ask for anything they want. And then, we go back home and hang his likeness all over the house pointing to the promise of Christmas morning.
We hang stockings from our fireplace weeks before the event in anticipation of them being filled.
Even up until the night before, we promise our kids if they go to bed on-time, Santa will be sure to visit overnight with his bag of gifts specifically built for them.
Now, I should be clear, I am not saying there is no room in the Christmas season for tradition and fun and expectation.
But what I am beginning to wonder is, “Are we as parents setting ourselves up for failure? Are we inadvertantly focusing our child’s attention so much on the gifts under the tree, we couldn’t possibly live up to the expectation? Are we the ones to blame?”
A few weeks back, I was conducting an interview for a national magazine. The interviewer asked how we handled the holidays. I responded:
“We have made an intentional decision to still give our kids Christmas presents and their grandparents do the same. We see gift-giving as an appropriate expression of love. From us, our kids receive one thing they want, one thing they need, and one experience to share with the family.”
The journalist’s follow-up question was one I hadn’t heard before. She asked, “Do you find that your kids are disappointed on Christmas morning?”
I had to think before I answered because I wanted to be honest. Eventually, I answered her question, “No. I don’t think they are disappointed on Christmas morning. Maybe they were a little bit the first time, but now they have come to expect it.”
We are very open with our kids about our approach to Christmas and how many gifts they will receive. They know what to expect before the morning even arrives.
Conversely, when we exchange gifts with our extended family, disappointment actually has a better opportunity to arise. There is great anticipation. Nobody knows how many gifts are going to be unwrapped or how much money was spent… but you can almost always bet, in the kids’ mind, there will not be enough.
This holiday season, let’s be intentional about the expectations we set for our kids. Talk less about the gifts under the tree. And talk more about family and friends and faith. Promise fun with the cousins and the joy of being together with family. If you have decided to cut back on holiday gifts this year, tell your kids why—before you sit down around the tree.
Set healthy expectations. Maybe we can avoid holiday disappointment. Even better, maybe we can bring the focus of Christmas back to where it belongs.
Judy says
My daughter made a good point, she said she’d rather get one nice thing, than lots of junk. I agree. As for the little ones—I always taught them to say “thank you”…no matter what, so they wouldn’t hurt peoples feelings ( even if they didn’t like it or already had it. ) I already told my granddaughter that I got her 5 things. So she knows what to expect. She’d be happy with less…it’s me who made the decision to buy so much. :)
ann brittain says
I totally agree with the one nice gift idea. I’m incredibly tired of Christmas being about things. People should think more about the spirit of the season and minimize the material aspects.
Jessica says
I have struggled this year with getting rid of old toys and not encouraging my children by asking “what they want for Christmas”? I feel so put off by the Christmas our society has created but by reading several of your post tried to put it in perspective. I know I will get gifts for my children and one of my favorite rules is they get 3 things from Santa…. If three things were brought to the baby Jesus then 3 things are good enough for my children! Merry Christmas and thanks for your always inspiring post/blogs!
Liebs says
Great piece, Joshua. This is one of the most difficult time for us as a nuclear family, as I feel strongly about NOT giving the kids too many gifts and my husband want them to feel the “magic” of Christmas (read gifts).
Over time, we have moved towards not too many gifts, but still more than I like.
This is a good reminder to be aware of our language and behavior through out the year.
Karen T. says
I think the “magic” of Christmas can be just as wonderful if you emphasize the tree and other decorations, the lights, the music, the bustle and (mostly) cheerfulness of other people, the special foods, the family get-togethers, the surprises that each family member can create for each other (whether that means a few gifts, or just doing something nice for the other — like taking out the garbage for your brother before he gets a chance to do it — SURPRISE!). Gifts are only a very small part of “Christmas magic.”
jael says
What do you mean by “one experience to share with the family” – is it like getting a pass to the zoo or getting a movie pass?
joshua becker says
I purposefully left that vague to spark reader’s own imaginations. But if you don’t tell anybody… for the last two years, we have bought a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant with high enough balance to treat the whole family. They can choose any evening to take out the family. Our only rule is, “dinner can’t already be in the oven.”
Heather says
Thank you so much for this reminder about how to approach gift giving. Our family is Catholic and we try to approach the holiday from that point of view. Our traditions are centered around our faith. We practice the season of Advent and talk about how it is a season of waiting. We do talk about Saint Nicholas instead of Santa Claus and celebrate his feast day by giving them chocolate coins in their shoes and reading a story about his life. As far as Christmas, we wait to put up the tree. We also give them three gifts (like the wise men). A gift of “gold” (a want), a gift of “myrrh” (a need), and frankincense (something for the mind like books or educational games).
Carolyn Bostic says
Heather, I love your explanation of the 3 different gifts. I’m going to share your idea on my FB page as I think it’s just as good as, maybe better than the 4 gift rule: Want, Need, Wear, Read. Thank you!
Jamie says
A couple of years ago we started doing a Christmas Bucket List. My son gets to pick 10 things to DO during the Christmas season. He still gets a few gifts, but we focus more on doing than getting. It’s worked great for us.
joshua becker says
That’s brilliant Jamie. Thanks for sharing your idea with us.
Jimmy says
That’s a fantastic idea, nothing better than spending quality time with family & friends . Memories last a life time , toys & material things can break and you tired or out grow , but memories last forever !!!
Lisa says
I love this idea, Jamie! I am going to implement it immediately in my family!
DeAnna says
Love this and will use it next year.
Meg @ Adventures in Verdance says
My sister has four boys and this really hits home for me — I always feel so pressured to give them a lot. This year is different and I’m a bit worried. Thanks for sharing — I’m sure they’ll be thankful for what they get.
Meg @ Adventures in Verdance says
… or at least I hope, right? Ha!
Greg says
What a wonderful reminder to, as parents, set appropriate gift expectations for our children. If we are not intentional and proactive to provide an alternative perspective our culture will set these expectations for them.
camille says
My son is just 2 1/2 years old, but we’ve decided we wouldn’t entertain the Santa Claus myth for him: the plan is to encourage him to make a wishlist when he’s a bit older (for now, we make the list ourselves based on wishes he’s expressed or toys that we feel he’d be interested in) but he will know that some of the gifts he does receive are from his parents, others from his aunt and uncle, others still from his grandparents.
We will talk about Santa Claus (actually, Le Père Noël, since we’re French!) as we do about other imaginary characters in books, telling stories about them and how wonderful they are, without needing to explicitly say whether or not they actually exist.
I feel much more comfortable about this stance, because it is then easier to make him understand that, just like for his birthday, he can’t have a million different gifts, but a few well-chosen ones that have been picked out with love by the people who love him. Plus, I’d like him to learn to express gratitude for those gifts to the people who actually got them for him!
Gretchen says
I love this approach. Why lie to the children in the first place. Let them know he’s a magical character and they won’t get everything they want for Christmas. It’s really not a good idea to lie and then wonder why children are disappointed. Expectation always disappoints at all ages.
Lisa says
I take the same approach with my kids, Camille. They are now 6 and almost 4. Last year the then-5 year old explicitly asked if Santa is real. I explained that he isn’t, but it is still a really fun story and a great reminder of how wonderful it is to give gifts of love to our friends and family. They still haven’t realized that some kids think he is real. Christmas is still magical because of the tree, lights, stockings, roasting fires, special dinners, fun movies, etc. They don’t need Santa for that. :)
Suzanne Montee says
I agree with this and chose this approach, as well, with my children. I told them that Santa is “fun” and “jovial” and “exciting to pretend”…but he’s only pretend. I am VERY good at creating magic for the kids this time of year, I think I over-compensate bc I can’t fall back on Santa talk…which makes it magical for all of us. I didn’t want to “do” Santa and feel like I was deceiving the kids…when I was a child and I found out about Santa not being real, I asked my dad why I should believe God is real…I can’t see Him, either. Really made me think about it as an adult for my kids.
Karen T. says
That’s how we did it with our kids too . . . Santa was a fun, but pretend, character.
KT says
What an excellent point about managing expectations. Last night as my son wrote a second letter to Santa asking for a toy that I would not want him to have, I started thinking about how I can let him know without ruining the secret that he is NOT going to get that toy.
Tony says
This happened to me once as a child. My mom wrote a letter as Santa explaining, very simply that Santa did not think that toy was appropriate. It was written very simply and I truly believed Santa had personally written me a letter. It was not until I was older that I figured it out! :)
Sina Jasur says
What a great idea!
PianoMom says
I’ve heard other people with this dilemma tell their kids that Santa won’t bring them anything that Mom and Dad don’t want them to have.
MM says
This happened to us a few years ago. We just told them (and still do) that sometimes Santa feels there is something that is a better fit or option and that ultimately it is up to him…he will always bring what he thinks will be best for them.