Is that it?
Three words—uttered by kids—often represent the most dreaded scenario for parents on Christmas morning.
“Is that it?” As in, “Are there really no more presents? This is all I get this year?”
Nobody wants their child to be disappointed on Christmas morning. It is supposed to be a magical day with endless smiles and play. But instead, too often, it ends in disappointment—disappointment for the child as they didn’t get all they wanted and disappointment for the parent as a result.
As parents, we react in different ways. We point out how many gifts they already opened. We promise additional gifts at grandma’s house. Quietly, we wonder how many more presents we needed to buy to make them happy.
And unfortunately, too often, we put the blame on the wrong person—them.
I don’t think anybody means any harm in the words they use with their kids leading up to the holiday season. They are common phrases—holiday classics. The words seem to roll off our parental tongues naturally—sometimes we even think they serve a higher purpose.
When our child misbehaves, we remind them Santa only brings presents to nice boys and girls.
When toys are advertised on TV or in stores and our child expresses interest, we tell them they should put it on their Christmas list.
We count for them how many times this season they will get to open presents: once at our house, Christmas morning at grandma’s house, Christmas evening at the other grandparents’.
We help them write letters to Santa and visit him at the mall so our kids can ask for anything they want. And then, we go back home and hang his likeness all over the house pointing to the promise of Christmas morning.
We hang stockings from our fireplace weeks before the event in anticipation of them being filled.
Even up until the night before, we promise our kids if they go to bed on-time, Santa will be sure to visit overnight with his bag of gifts specifically built for them.
Now, I should be clear, I am not saying there is no room in the Christmas season for tradition and fun and expectation.
But what I am beginning to wonder is, “Are we as parents setting ourselves up for failure? Are we inadvertantly focusing our child’s attention so much on the gifts under the tree, we couldn’t possibly live up to the expectation? Are we the ones to blame?”
A few weeks back, I was conducting an interview for a national magazine. The interviewer asked how we handled the holidays. I responded:
“We have made an intentional decision to still give our kids Christmas presents and their grandparents do the same. We see gift-giving as an appropriate expression of love. From us, our kids receive one thing they want, one thing they need, and one experience to share with the family.”
The journalist’s follow-up question was one I hadn’t heard before. She asked, “Do you find that your kids are disappointed on Christmas morning?”
I had to think before I answered because I wanted to be honest. Eventually, I answered her question, “No. I don’t think they are disappointed on Christmas morning. Maybe they were a little bit the first time, but now they have come to expect it.”
We are very open with our kids about our approach to Christmas and how many gifts they will receive. They know what to expect before the morning even arrives.
Conversely, when we exchange gifts with our extended family, disappointment actually has a better opportunity to arise. There is great anticipation. Nobody knows how many gifts are going to be unwrapped or how much money was spent… but you can almost always bet, in the kids’ mind, there will not be enough.
This holiday season, let’s be intentional about the expectations we set for our kids. Talk less about the gifts under the tree. And talk more about family and friends and faith. Promise fun with the cousins and the joy of being together with family. If you have decided to cut back on holiday gifts this year, tell your kids why—before you sit down around the tree.
Set healthy expectations. Maybe we can avoid holiday disappointment. Even better, maybe we can bring the focus of Christmas back to where it belongs.
jill britz says
i’ve drug my extended family down the minimal road around christmas giving for the last five years (when my husband & i first looked around & saw discontent children who never remembered a single gift + another year of endless packaging & expectations to end in more discontent.). this is not working, we said. at first when i asked for experiences & not SO. MUCH. STUFF., my (then) 3 kids received all kinds of packages, & THEN a zoo pass. what? so we repeated ourselves. eventually, with the vast purging we’ve done (& i wonder what the thought process is when the givers don’t see every.single.thing still in our house. how could they be? we’d be DROWNING.), we’re finally, after 5 years, making some headway. & honestly, with so little in the house & the kids so routinely “plus one-ing” their things (we keep a running total. we’re over 8,000 as of january 1.), it’s not a big deal to add a few things. they’ll most likely find a happier home elsewhere in a month or two. (the gifts, not the kids.) ;)
& what did the kids ask for from us this year? a trip to the mall of america to pick out one gift each, because “then it’s a fun experience & not just a present”. amen & amen. we don’t have it all figured out, but at least we finally got going in the right direction.
merry minimalist christmas, eh?
JoeAnne says
Thank you for this article, this is something our family struggles with each year and are working on improving. I started reading your blog and enjoy truly appreciate it, only wish I had found you sooner. Our children are 7 & 9 and I agree that we set the expectations for them; the parents especially, but also other family members, and of course exposure to our consumer-driven society. It would definitely be easier to keep expectations lower, had we started out that way but I believe it is a challenge worth working toward. For my family, I really do want the focus to be more on experiences than things. Side note, as some others have mentioned: When they request something we are either not ready for them to have or would rather that they don’t get, we explained that Santa would not bring a child a toy that the parents did not approve of. Don’t get me wrong, my girls’ “wish lists” are pretty long, but they understand that (in our house) Santa brings them a few presents and that they will receive presents from us and a few other family members, but that they should not expect to receive everything that they wish for. Even just letting them know that not every present comes from Santa (we let them know that a few years back) is a big help. Teaching gratitude is more challenging, in my experience anyway, when they receive so much too.
GrannyM says
Something you want..
Something you need..
Something you wear..
Something you read..
and my son also told me:
Something you give away..
Each grandparent gets to chose which they want to give. This way parents and children are not overwhelmed with needless “stuff”.
Queen Mary says
This is a question of etiquette. As gift recipients children can be taught to express gratitude to all gifts genuinely given. My mother would give all her granddaughters (and daughters) the same gift even though they all didn’t have the same taste or style; but she never knew my daughter didn’t love her gifts. My daughter never even returned them, she passed them on brand new. Why hurt her grandmother’s feelings? Being a graceful receiver is also important, especially with certain family members as Joshua points out in one of his bi-weekly newsletter articles.
Susan Vogt says
Joshua’s custom of 3 gifts reminded me of our own family ‘s tradition. When our children were young we gave them 3 gifts:
1. piece of clothing,
2, gift to grow on (a book or other educational item)
3. heart’s desire
In regard to Santa, we let them believe but never directly referenced Santa. (They easily picked up the concept of Santa from friends and the culture.) So, we didn’t take them for a photo with Santa or played the “Santa card” in terms of being good. We simply said that at Christmas time, we are so happy that Jesus was born into our world that people want to make each other happy by giving gifts. Eventually they asked whether there really was a Santa Claus and we answered their question honestly. (For other things I’ve written about the Advent/Christmas season, see http://susanvogt.net/EnrichmentEx.htm)
GrannyM says
Susan, that is great. Love all these.
LL in Prescott says
Look at all the comments! This topic is really sparking dialogue, Joshua. Fun stuff. When our son was small, we did a big event. When he was 4 we took him to The Nutcracker Ballet and sat in the first row of the balcony so he could take it all in. When we got back to the car, he opened a nicely wrapped gift of a lovely nutcracker soldier with moving parts and hair. We still have that nutcracker and put it out on display every year. One year we were snowed in at a lodge on Lake Michigan and we cut down our own tree, made our own ornaments, and cuddled by the fire. We brought realistic puppets as gifts that year which he loved and as an adult he still remembers what a magical Christmas that was. When he was 15, we spent Christmas on an island in the Bahamas. Maybe getting away from the norm is the key. Memories of good family times is the goal. Memories that will last a lifetime.
Cassie says
When I have children I hope to continue Christmas in the tradition of my father’s side of the family. On Christmas mornings there were usually 4 children (including me) and 8 or 9 adults. Everyone, including us kids, got a present for everyone else who would be there (though the adults would buy and help with gift ideas…”Well sweetie, Uncle Carl doesn’t like Nintendo games as much as you, but remember how he likes to play tennis…?”) This taught us enjoy the spirit of giving as well as receiving, which I think is becoming lost in the pressure to “give kids things” for Christmas. Santa also visited and gave each child an additional 2 or 3 gifts, but it was in moderation (and not the toy factory explosions that occurred on my mother’s side of the family who characterized the phrase “Keeping up with the Joneses”). Another tradition we had was choosing one of the kids to hand out presents, which was a privilege we all fought over because the present-hander-outer was compensated with a chocolate chip cookie. When I got older I realized the real motivation for this was to prevent a greedy free-for-all of kids diving under the Christmas tree. It was also cute because we (or maybe just me ; ) would get really excited whenever someone got a present that I had picked out for them. Those are the Christmas mornings I liked the best, with lots of conversation and family and warmth.
Sarah Bleach says
Thank you for this post. I really like the ‘one gift you want, one you need and a family experience’ idea. We had decided on minimal gifts for our three children this year and we were doing ok until this past week. By fluke we had more gifts for our son then for our two girls! What to do, what to do? …Well we can just get more for the girls. The pressure, the guilt, the expectations and the comparisons of the gift giving season were starting to rise in our minds. But thankfully I read your post and reevaluated what we are doing this year. Now, the extra gifts are going to be kept back, they can wait for birthdays next year. Instead of getting cooped up in the house all Christmas day we are going to church and then hit the local outdoor rink for skating. All the best, Merry Christmas and thanks again!
Louise says
I remember the disappointment as a child when I found out Santa didn’t exist. I want my 6 and 3 yr olds to believe in Santa as long as possible. The magic of Xmas is what makes it so special for children. And for me Santa is part of that.
My children attend a Catholic school and we talk lots about the true meaning of Xmas.
I do explain that Santa has to deliver presents to children all over the world so his sleigh can only carry so many
presents for each child. I don’t want Xmas to be about how many presents they receive.
I think you can make it exciting for other more important reasons like family, faith and Santa!
daphne says
we are Jewish and so we celebrate Chanukah which means an expected 8 nights of gift giving. One year we decided that instead of gifts each night we would choose themes: family fun night, favorite meal night, movie night. It was my kid’s favorite Chanukah (after several years of getting gifts most nights). We have continued with that tradition.
EmeraldCityGirl says
Sorry about the typos. Single-fingered on my iPhone. :|