Is that it?
Three words—uttered by kids—often represent the most dreaded scenario for parents on Christmas morning.
“Is that it?” As in, “Are there really no more presents? This is all I get this year?”
Nobody wants their child to be disappointed on Christmas morning. It is supposed to be a magical day with endless smiles and play. But instead, too often, it ends in disappointment—disappointment for the child as they didn’t get all they wanted and disappointment for the parent as a result.
As parents, we react in different ways. We point out how many gifts they already opened. We promise additional gifts at grandma’s house. Quietly, we wonder how many more presents we needed to buy to make them happy.
And unfortunately, too often, we put the blame on the wrong person—them.
I don’t think anybody means any harm in the words they use with their kids leading up to the holiday season. They are common phrases—holiday classics. The words seem to roll off our parental tongues naturally—sometimes we even think they serve a higher purpose.
When our child misbehaves, we remind them Santa only brings presents to nice boys and girls.
When toys are advertised on TV or in stores and our child expresses interest, we tell them they should put it on their Christmas list.
We count for them how many times this season they will get to open presents: once at our house, Christmas morning at grandma’s house, Christmas evening at the other grandparents’.
We help them write letters to Santa and visit him at the mall so our kids can ask for anything they want. And then, we go back home and hang his likeness all over the house pointing to the promise of Christmas morning.
We hang stockings from our fireplace weeks before the event in anticipation of them being filled.
Even up until the night before, we promise our kids if they go to bed on-time, Santa will be sure to visit overnight with his bag of gifts specifically built for them.
Now, I should be clear, I am not saying there is no room in the Christmas season for tradition and fun and expectation.
But what I am beginning to wonder is, “Are we as parents setting ourselves up for failure? Are we inadvertantly focusing our child’s attention so much on the gifts under the tree, we couldn’t possibly live up to the expectation? Are we the ones to blame?”
A few weeks back, I was conducting an interview for a national magazine. The interviewer asked how we handled the holidays. I responded:
“We have made an intentional decision to still give our kids Christmas presents and their grandparents do the same. We see gift-giving as an appropriate expression of love. From us, our kids receive one thing they want, one thing they need, and one experience to share with the family.”
The journalist’s follow-up question was one I hadn’t heard before. She asked, “Do you find that your kids are disappointed on Christmas morning?”
I had to think before I answered because I wanted to be honest. Eventually, I answered her question, “No. I don’t think they are disappointed on Christmas morning. Maybe they were a little bit the first time, but now they have come to expect it.”
We are very open with our kids about our approach to Christmas and how many gifts they will receive. They know what to expect before the morning even arrives.
Conversely, when we exchange gifts with our extended family, disappointment actually has a better opportunity to arise. There is great anticipation. Nobody knows how many gifts are going to be unwrapped or how much money was spent… but you can almost always bet, in the kids’ mind, there will not be enough.
This holiday season, let’s be intentional about the expectations we set for our kids. Talk less about the gifts under the tree. And talk more about family and friends and faith. Promise fun with the cousins and the joy of being together with family. If you have decided to cut back on holiday gifts this year, tell your kids why—before you sit down around the tree.
Set healthy expectations. Maybe we can avoid holiday disappointment. Even better, maybe we can bring the focus of Christmas back to where it belongs.
Tina says
We are Jewish. My kids were told early on not to tell their Christian friends there was no Santa Claus, so we had a lot of gifts hidden in our basement. For Chanukah, they each got small “stocking stuffer” type gifts. A new box of crayons, new socks, a book ,etc.each night. And then the grandparents bought each child one gift. One year, I made my daughter some doll clothes for her second hand Barbies and she was fine with that.
I am troubled by the thought that some parents go into debt buying gifts for Christmas but I can’t change that.
ECB says
I’ve been raised in a family where the list on Santa’s letter will be reviewed by Santa himself and he chooses one gift from the list to bring to us. I truly believe that as the kids grow older and they can write as much as they want, their list will go on and on; thus, creating an endless shopping list and a huge financial hit because the parents taught their kids Santa will bring everything (or almost everything) on the list.
Allison says
Any advice for handling grandparents who go gift buying crazy for their only grandchild?
Judy says
Yes, warmly thank them. :)
Tina says
Give them an idea of what you would like your child to have and tell them the excess will go to “Toys for Tots” or a similar charity.
And follow through if they give too much. We had a problem with an uncle and aunt who clearly favored one of our children, he got a gift worth over $100, the others got gifts that cost about $1. We had our son return the $100 gift, and he had to share some of the money with his sibs and give away the rest.
Kandice says
I agree with Judy – a warm thank you. I don’t know your family’s circumstances, but many times it gives grandparents great joy to be able to see so many gifts under the tree and the awe and excitement of the child, especially if the grandparents did not have that experience in their own childhoods. That might be the gift you give *them* (silently) on Christmas Day. When our children were small, the number of gifts was overwhelming so we’d leave out 2 or 3 to enjoy immediately, and then we’d put the rest up and pull them out slowly throughout the year. When the grandparents came for dinner in say March, the children were beyond thrilled to ask their grandparents to play with them and their fun new toys (as opposed to those toys being in the bottom of the fifth toy bin in the back corner of whatever room, long ago forgotten).
Cherie says
Great post, and great comments too! I’ve found I have a lack of enthusiasm for the holidays this year, and am trying to get to the root of why (materialism is key, I think). So I’m taking steps to be more intentional and not just blindly doing everything as I’ve always done.
http://thispeacefulhome.com/2014/12/10/christmas-attitude/
Terry says
I find there is a balanced approach to Christmas and honestly it’s ok for Christmas to be a special time where kids get some nice gifts. For me it’s the rest of the year that matters more, don’t buy them everything they want throughout the year; rather make Christmas a special time where they get spoiled a little and get to enjoy some family time.
Regarding gifts, we discourage our kids from being greedy (only can ask Santa for 1 thing) and we tend to favour a few quality gifts over quantity. This is all about setting expectations, if they ask for a big gift (7 year old asked for an iPod) they should not expect to get much more. For gifts from extended family, we do not exchange gifts beyond the grandparents and a couple of close friends and even then we encourage experiences like horse riding lessons, taking them to a movie or say bowling (what kids doesn’t love to bowl right?).
Regarding their old stuff, Christmas is my favourite time to purge. I like to get my kids involved in choosing some stuff to give away so that they can make room for new stuff. This helps teach them about giving to others, yet that it’s also ok to have things that are special to them. It helps keep the house organized.
The expectations we set is that Christmas is fun, yes you will get some cool gifts that you won’t get any other time of year and that’s ok, some of those will be experiences with others and you need to donate some of things you don’t play with anymore to others in need.
Jimmy Burjan says
What a fantastic idea , material things can break or get tired off & outgrow . Spending quality time with family & friends can have life long memories to cherish forever !!
Thx for the great post “”
Tanya says
In the old days, yes, children wait patiently for Christmas to arrive to make a wishlist and get special treats. However, most children these days from an average middle class family get what they want whenever they want anyway throughout the year whether it’s tablets, smartphones, new toys, new clothes, you name it. Sometimes they say it’s a necessity, other times it’s just parents feeling the pressure to please their children. I really don’t see the point of giving children any ‘extra’ material things on Christmas day. It should all be about family, food, and fun just being together in the first place, not presents.
Even better, if you think that your children have more than enough already, perhaps teach them to ‘give’. This Christmas. Ask your children to nominate a toy or clothes from their stash and donate them to other kids who are a lot less fortunate. Making cookies or Christmas goodies and dropping them off at homeless shelters or orphanages could be a fun activity than going Christmas shopping at Toys R’Us. But these ideas might be too far-fetched. I think parents will be lucky enough if they can get kids to stop staring at their phones or tablets while at family gatherings this year :)
Jesse Robinson says
Refreshing, refreshing, refreshing…I know I don’t need to say more…but I will. Meaningful and insightful, but also down-to-earth enough that I felt supported as a parent rather than chastised. Thank you!
Lori Smith says
I met one grandma who told me, at her house Christmas was a family time of potluck and games, no gifts, not even for kids. The lady said the tradition started with a specific financial goal, for the whole family to help one of their own in crisis.
Now every year the family makes a lovely donation to their favorite charity, while enjoying a relaxing family game day. I love that story,
It has helped me to refocus, and make Christmas and all family get togethers about simple favorite recipes, and games. We do still have gifts/games.
Lee Victoria says
My parents had one Christmas Present “Philosophy” for my brother and I growing up…”Something to wear, something to eat, something to read and something to play with.” It has never steered either of us wrong, or made us disappointed on Christmas morning of years past and when the time comes for my family, my children will enjoy that same philosophy! Well done Mum and Dad/Santa…you got it right! (The only thing I’d add to that myself now, being a grown woman of 30…is a small, self-donation to a charity in need).