This past week, I repeatedly noticed an article being passed around by my parent friends. The column is from the New York Times and titled, “When Children Say ‘I Can’t,’ but They Can, and Adults Know It.”
It’s good, short, and helpful—I recommend it. The article offers ideas for parents to identify “faked incompetence” in their children and provides strategies to overcome it.
Faked incompetence is one of those pesky little behaviors in children that can become significant drawbacks in their potential as adults. I’ve always worked hard to push against it in my children’s lives (particularly for my daughter). So I was anxious to read the column and pass it along.
One day after reading the parenting article, I received an email from a woman I had never met. Specifically, she was asking for advice on how to get out of debt.
In her email, she made this telling statement, “My husband thinks debt is inevitable and not a choice. He thinks it is the only way to survive and he can’t see a way out.”
I assured her, “There are millions of families who live without massive consumer debt. We are one of them. It is entirely possible and you can absolutely do it.”
As I typed out the words, I recalled the article I had read the previous day. False incompetence is not just a child-problem, it is an adult-problem. And we see it all around us in the statements we hear from others and tell ourselves:
- I can’t live debt-free.
- I can’t quit smoking.
- I can’t cook.
- I wish I could spend more time with my kids, but I just can’t.
- I can’t find a different job.
- I can’t save for retirement.
- I can’t declutter my home.
- I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…
If you think you can’t, you won’t. If you’ve already resigned yourself to defeat, you’ll never experience victory.
But this false incompetence can be defeated as quickly as it can be learned. The first and most important step in making any positive change in your life is to believe it is possible. Because without that belief, there is no first step.
Every positive change you desire for your life starts with two words.
Replace “I can’t,” with “I can.”
You can live debt-free. You can quit smoking. You can learn to cook. You can become a better parent. You can, you can, you can!
Consider as an example, living clutter-free.
Most of us know it is entirely possible to live in a clutter-free environment. We see others live a simpler, clutter-free life and desire it for ourselves. Some have even taken significant steps to realize it.
But others of you are not so sure. Your house has been cluttered for so long, you have almost given up all hope of ever living any other way.
For you, the first step to living in a clutter-free home is to take heart and simply believe it is possible. Realize you will never get there if you do not resolve in your mind that you can accomplish it. Find hope in the example of others. And then, take one small step forward. Replace “I can’t” with ” I can.”
Often times in our world, people search for quick-fixes or hidden knowledge. As if those who have accomplished something have more information than they are sharing. And while this may be the case in some highly-competitive industries, I have not seen this to be true in the simplicity movement. Most of us genuinely desire others to find the same freedom and joy living simply that we have experienced. And we don’t hold anything back.
But if there is one secret formula to living simple and clutter-free that I have noticed, it is this: we all believed it was possible. We knew the path might be difficult and time-consuming at times. But we knew victory could be found and clutter could be conquered. It was true for me. And it can be true for you.
I’ll say that again, it can be true of you.
Faked and/or false incompetence is not just a childhood behavior that parents need to identify and address. It is a people-problem that keeps many of us from implementing the positive life changes we desire.
As adults, we need to identify and overcome it ourselves.
Judy says
Thank you, Joshua. So simple…so true.
George says
I found this blog through Facebook a couple of months back when there was a link from a Mr. Money Moustache collection. I started reading, also Nosidebar. To be honest these sites have been the greatest encouragement to get my surroundings decluttered: finance, health, family and work. I can now say apart from many achievements, the biggest is ‘Can do’ / ‘Change the angle’ helped me stop smoking after 16 years. 2 weeks have gone by, with no remorse and I am not looking back.
So thank you for the “quiet motivation”. :)
Julie says
Financial freedom is entirely possible and something I’m anxious to achieve. I’ve committed to a year of buying nothing new (food and household consumables excluded) as a means to quickly eliminate my remaining home debt. My family has adopted many other frugal habits too. My favorite quote to live by is “You can have what you want or your excuses for not.” It’s a great reminder to not let your excuses act as a stopping block for achieving your dreams.
Lexi says
When our kids used to say “can’t”, I always responded with,
What you are really saying is you won’t do it or choose not to! They do not say can’t near as much:)
Connie says
For me becoming debt free (11 years so far) & decluttering was hearing or reading that other people had done it. The debt especially, I just thought it was a normal part of life, everyone had debt, right? To hear otherwise was a real eye opener for me.
It’s hard, but so worth it to be debt free!
Marti says
Ouch! That hit home on so many levels and revealed exactly what I’ve been doing for at least 6 years. “I can’t declutter my home” has been my mantra even though I want it desperately.
Today … The first step is to change my mantra to, “I CAN declutter my home.”
Thanks!
Hannah Kenway says
Thank you for this – I know this to be true in so many areas of life – and it’s such an inherently limiting philosophy.
Maybe the whole ethos of education should be to produce children who believe they can, instead of children who ask why? those who say why not?
There seems to be a real victim mentality amongst many of the people I know, who dismiss anything innovative, anything that involves thinking outside the box as simply not possible.
I wonder if this comes from a fear of failure?
There’s some really interesting research by Carol Dweck on the two mindsets “fixed” and “growth” – the growth mindset allows for failure, for self belief and letting go of perfectionism.. it’s an interesting read:
http://mindsetonline.com
Oskar Nowik says
Great article Joshua! I know countless of people who’re lost in debt and deeply convinced that’s the only way to live but it’s actually a choice and I’m glad there are tons of people out there who realize it.
Saying that the initial step to a positive change is changing your vocabulary became a cliche already but it’s absolutely true.
As I observe my vocabulary, my mood and overall progress toward my goals, I see that these things are deeply connected and impact each other.
Thomas says
There is a quote I only know in german words. I take a try to translate:
Everyone said: “This is not possible! You can’t do this!” Then, some time later, someone came who didn’t knew that others said it’s not possible and – did it.”
I hope the message of this quote is clear. When we have a presetting of something or someone the first thing we have to do is to overcome it and start fresh and clear if there was no preconceived notion or opinion. That’s the most difficult thing to get started.
Wish you all the “Yes, I can!”
joshua becker says
The quote is clear. We have a similar one in English that goes like this, “It always seems impossible until it’s done.”
mel says
Thank you, really needed to hear this today.