People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.
I have a friend. Let’s call him John.
I’m not sure if friend is actually the best word for our relationship, but it is the word I choose to use—not just in this post, but in life as well.
You see, John doesn’t return very many of my phone calls. He doesn’t reply to my voicemail messages. And he doesn’t answer very many of my texts.
But every few months, my phone will ring and John will be on the other end. Always out of blue. Usually in the evening.
He will apologize for being gone so long. He will assure me he is in a better place now. And he will ask if we can get together again for coffee or lunch. If at all possible, I agree.
John’s life has not been easy. He has told me repeatedly of the abandonment, the drugs, the alcohol, and the homeless nights that define his past. He speaks of his indiscretion freely. It is as much a part of his story as the home he grew up in.
Every time we get together, he recounts what has happened in his life. He will tell me about his desire to get back on the right track and the recovery meetings he has been attending. I will assure him there are people cheering for him. And I will offer to help in any way that I can. “Maybe we can get together again next week,” will usually be the last thing I say to him…until I hear from him again in a few months.
If I were to be honest, I’m not sure I get much out of my relationship with John. He doesn’t offer me any life advice. He doesn’t have a job or lifeskill that I learn from. He certainly doesn’t have any friends in high places who can help me get ahead. I think he cares about me as a person. But if he does, he has a funny way of showing it.
The one thing that he does offer is a consistent opportunity for me to love. Not a love that expects something in return, but a pure, unselfish love. One that requires patience and grace and commitment. You know—real love.
John needs me. And that is reason enough for me to keep him in my life.
There is an unhealthy inclination in our world to remove people from our lives who no longer serve us.
Our closets are full, but our hearts are empty.
When we decided to become minimalist, we did so because we knew our lives would improve if we removed the excess physical stuff from our home and life. They had become burdensome to us.
But it would be a foolish choice to automatically apply the exact same filter to our relationships. People always deserve more patience and sacrifice than physical possessions.
Do we need to find the strength to separate ourselves from abusive relationships? Yes, absolutely.
Are there some people that we need to be intentional about establishing boundaries with? Yes, of course.
But the path to better living is not found in turning our back on those who need us the most. The path to better living is found in developing the compassion and the space to love even those who don’t deserve it.
Choosing to invest in only the relationships that benefit me isn’t love, it’s selfish.
Diane Reder says
All the love in the world doesn’t “cure” an addict. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to “let go” . If there is a chance an addict will “see the light”, it may be when he no longer has you in his life, so you will actually be helping him by walking away.
I’ve experienced this in my life. My brother is no longer an addict, and at one point, our entire family had to take ourselves away from him. (though we never stopped loving him). There is a difference between loving and “enabling”.
He got sober, and knows that we did that out of our love for him, and now we all can share love.
If he had not gotten sober, we would have still loved him, but not been his enablers to stay in his addiction. It is the addict who has abandoned you, not the other way around. He has chosen his addiction over you. That is hard to accept. Love is meaningful to the sober person, and is lost on an addict until the addict decides to choose the love over the addiction.
Cath says
People don’t ‘choose’ to be addicts.
Aileen says
Very true but they can choose to get help. I liken the disease of addiction to diabetes, neither person affected chooses the disease but they have the ability to choose whether to manage the disease.
Coke says
Help doesn’t always work even try after try after try. Addiction is like cancer, you can seek treatment and do exactly what you are told and still not make it. ?
Flo says
Could you share with your readers the name of the person you have quoted in your opening sentence? Attribution is not only kind and ethical, it increases your credibility greatly when readers know you give credit where credit is due. (If you don’t know and can’t be troubled to find out just go with quotations marks and –Anonymous)
~G ~ says
Thank you so much for reminding me:)
June Carlyle says
I love this quote and Joshua’s take on it. I would like to amend it to include animals, because I feel like many in our world treat animals like they are things, not given the respect and reverence that living things deserve. I also believe in loving and being there for people regardless of whether they deserve that love. Of course, a person must love themselves as well, which includes protecting themselves from those that would harm them or other loved ones.
Erin says
Loved this article…..this was something I needed to read. I have a similiar situation. A friend who is a drug addict. She also doesnt answer texts, FB messages, ect…….unless she wants something. It’s now been 6 months since I have last heard from her. There has been many times I have wanted to walk away because I felt like I was getting nothing out of the relationship…except stress. It also hurt my pride to have so many unreturned mesages. Felt like” I would never put up with this from anyone….why am I putting up with this from her?” Than it hit me after reading this……..that maybe God put me in her life to love her and her family unconditionally and with a pure heart…BAM! No more pouting…back to praying and reaching out. Thank you!!
Steve says
Your story made me think about a 20-year friendship with a man who I now think of as a brother. It took several years to reach that point and took a change in my attitude for that to happen. It has become one of the richest relationships I have ever had.
Neirie says
This is the hardest and bravest thing to work on yourself. Keep on going for you
Reg says
there is a line that you need to draw. it can move back and forth depending on your own capacity. as others have said–a relationship like that can potentially drain you. you need to be mindful of how much you can give to that relationship without sacrificing too much of yourself. When you get on a plane, emergency protocol for helping someone having trouble with their oxygen mask is to make sure yours is on properly first. that isn’t selfishness: you can’t help anyone if you pass out. get to know yourself and know what you can handle.
Clara says
This made much sense to me today. This is because i have seen a friend suffer because of people who are so materialistic. God help our generation.
Adriana @ Moving the Cairn says
I keep returning to this post. It’s become a central reminder of my values, and of the need to practice patience, love, and grace, even when it’s uncomfortable or feels like a burden. Thanks for putting these great ideas out there.
Jason says
I found this from a Google search “Loving People” …all I can say is, I think I just found myself!
I’d say add a Like from me, but shouldn’t it be LOVE.
HA, should make a challenge to Facebook to change thier Like to Love!
Awesome comments, all around!
– Love love!