People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.
I have a friend. Let’s call him John.
I’m not sure if friend is actually the best word for our relationship, but it is the word I choose to use—not just in this post, but in life as well.
You see, John doesn’t return very many of my phone calls. He doesn’t reply to my voicemail messages. And he doesn’t answer very many of my texts.
But every few months, my phone will ring and John will be on the other end. Always out of blue. Usually in the evening.
He will apologize for being gone so long. He will assure me he is in a better place now. And he will ask if we can get together again for coffee or lunch. If at all possible, I agree.
John’s life has not been easy. He has told me repeatedly of the abandonment, the drugs, the alcohol, and the homeless nights that define his past. He speaks of his indiscretion freely. It is as much a part of his story as the home he grew up in.
Every time we get together, he recounts what has happened in his life. He will tell me about his desire to get back on the right track and the recovery meetings he has been attending. I will assure him there are people cheering for him. And I will offer to help in any way that I can. “Maybe we can get together again next week,” will usually be the last thing I say to him…until I hear from him again in a few months.
If I were to be honest, I’m not sure I get much out of my relationship with John. He doesn’t offer me any life advice. He doesn’t have a job or lifeskill that I learn from. He certainly doesn’t have any friends in high places who can help me get ahead. I think he cares about me as a person. But if he does, he has a funny way of showing it.
The one thing that he does offer is a consistent opportunity for me to love. Not a love that expects something in return, but a pure, unselfish love. One that requires patience and grace and commitment. You know—real love.
John needs me. And that is reason enough for me to keep him in my life.
There is an unhealthy inclination in our world to remove people from our lives who no longer serve us.
Our closets are full, but our hearts are empty.
When we decided to become minimalist, we did so because we knew our lives would improve if we removed the excess physical stuff from our home and life. They had become burdensome to us.
But it would be a foolish choice to automatically apply the exact same filter to our relationships. People always deserve more patience and sacrifice than physical possessions.
Do we need to find the strength to separate ourselves from abusive relationships? Yes, absolutely.
Are there some people that we need to be intentional about establishing boundaries with? Yes, of course.
But the path to better living is not found in turning our back on those who need us the most. The path to better living is found in developing the compassion and the space to love even those who don’t deserve it.
Choosing to invest in only the relationships that benefit me isn’t love, it’s selfish.
Anne Peterson says
Loved this post because it reflects what I believe. People have value, all of them. John may not fit your description of the word, “friend,” but I would venture to guess that John sees you as his friend. he probably considers you a close friend. John can only see what is around him and what has consumed him all these years. I loved that in all you subtracted, John was not one them. And I loved how you clearly defined the value of relationships over things. Thank you for this post.
Karen says
Love is a verb. I find that the more I make it an action verb, the more I strengthen my ability to do this. Loving without expecting anything in return is very freeing, actually. It’s also very counter to a culture that says that above all, you should never let people use you or take you for granted. Maybe sometimes you should.
Marily says
“Our closets are full, but our hearts are empty.” Listened to a gentleman from India yesterday. He so brought this home to my thinking.
Lolly says
Having an addict for a “friend” or worse, a relative, is a horrible situation no matter what kind of positive emotional/spiritual spin one puts on it. It’s an emotional drain and it’s unhealthy since the stress of talking to a broken person on the phone and being a dumping ground for their woes for hours on end can change the whole energy of the healthy household.
“We a called to love unconditionally.” To be sure. I’ve done it( been The Listener) for about 10 years. Then I couldn’t take anymore and put up boundaries to preserve my own mental well being.
Boy do addicts get mad when you do that.
Since I can’t declutter my sibling I can corral some of her repetitive drama by putting up boundaries. This means those late night, out-of-the-blue, once a month phone calls now go to voice mail sometimes and I get back to her when I can deal with it. That sounds selfish and unChristian, I know. But I think 10 years of listening to the same talk for 4 hour stretches —Yeah, I am gonna love myself unconditionally now.
It’s a great post, Joshua, one that will keep me thinking for some time to come.
Cath says
But in a way, this is an abusive relationship, which you are rightly protecting yourself from. No one has the right to cause you stress and grief either willingly or unintentionally. Offering care, love support to those who need it is absolutely the right thing, but if our giving is abused I do think we have to draw boundaries. & sometimes those boundaries are just what the person you are supporting needs.
Jill says
Absolutely well said!
ruth says
alanon
ruth says
and serenity prayer.
Sara says
As much as i love this post i also believe if we dont take care of ourselves we cant take care of others. So if you feel you are more sane letting her call go to voicemail and you call on your time you are doing her and urself a favor because you are not going to snap at her. You are not ignoring her you are juat getting yourself ready to talk to her on your time…dont feel bad at all
Cath says
I get you. You must love and respect yourself before you can love and respect others
Cath says
Lolly, I get you.
Mari says
but what about the fact that John is using you?
Elsa Haas says
John is not using Joshua he just needs a friend. We are called to love unconditionally and that is what Joshua is doing.
Holly says
But after you hear the same ol story about what they are going to do … repeat rewind…. my advice is SHOW ME DON’T TELL ME
Leticia Cheek says
Thanks you Joshua! Your articles are so amazing! They cover alot more than just having less clutter. It inspires me to take action and change my life for the better. Thank you so much!
Di says
Amen. If only more people realized that they have true joy by giving, without expecting in return. Jesus taught us to love that way and joy is deeper than happiness because it runs deep depp down, and is not dependent on circumstances. Great article, keep it up!
Holly says
And you can’t take it with you when you PASS to the other side … . God doesn’t need money in HEAVEN
Alan Bar says
Bro, where have you been all my life?! Obviously you have a gift and an important message for the world. My wife and I have jumped on the minimalist bus and are loving it!! With twins due soon (baby 5 and 6), we really don’t have a choice. We have reached the manageability tipping point on the pursuit of excess. But your writing has given us so much guidance and hope and affirmed all the things we’ve always believed any way.
But I really love it when you get all relational and gooshy like this post. Ultimately the letting go of all the stuff is for the purpose of being able to love others and that’s what is going to make this stick for me. We are not going to work more hours, upgrade to a bigger house or buy a luxury SUV for our expanding family because if we do we won’t have the time and capacity to love the people we have been called to love.
Keep it my friend! You are changing the world.
A
Vange says
Love love love love LOVE THIS!
Ana says
“People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.” That is one of my all-time favourite quotes! Wonderful article, thank you!
Eva says
Thank you for the reminder. I have a friend that only seems to meet with me when she needs something. Usually just a listening ear. I get tired of this, but I need to still be there for her. To love her. To pray for her.
Perri says
I read this and felt the same way. Realizing I need to love that person and understand that I am needed and that is my role.