Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Yuko Henden of Clutterless.
Decluttering seems to be all the rage. On the news, in social media, and during casual conversation, we hear more and more about people downsizing, KonMari-ing, and simplifying their lives.
The idea is a good one. So you decide to get on the bandwagon.
You borrow a couple of how-to-declutter books from the local library and scan through them, then buy a package of heavy-duty garbage bags and start attacking your clutter on Saturday at 9:00 am.
By the afternoon, you have garbage bags, donation bags, and even pieces of furniture lined up by your front entrance ready to leave the house for good.
You’re exhausted, but in a good way. You feel lighter and uplifted.
…
Fast-forward several months into the future. The afterglow of decluttering has faded. You still maintain that getting rid of the clutter was an excellent idea, but can’t cite a reason other than, “My right pinky toe is injury-free since I got rid of that ugly coffee table.”
Maybe you are even beginning to feel a bit uneasy living in a home with empty spaces. You feel a bit empty inside as well.
Your thoughts may be followed with even more questions, “What’s wrong with me? I thought this was going to feel only wonderful. Why do I feel this way? Was getting rid of my clutter a bad idea?”
Take heart. You are not alone. The decluttering process can be difficult at times. Let’s consider the reasons why:
Change is Unsettling
We like the familiar, and changes often produce stress. You have not moved, but your clutter-free home is a new environment. You will feel uneasy until you adjust to it.
Don’t give in to the urge to buy new things to make your place cozy. Any non-essential items you buy right now are likely to end up as tomorrow’s clutter. If you want to stop the vicious circle of decluttering, fight the urge to shop.
The Guilt
As you decluttered, did you feel a bit of guilt letting some of the stuff go? I sure felt it when I hauled a bag full of clothes that my mother sent me, which I didn’t feel like wearing, to the closest consignment store.
High-quality accessories, expensive tools, gifts from your loved ones—it’s sad to let go of things that you have some attachment to. It’s also not pleasant to think about how much they all cost.
Dusty textbooks and study material you never used—did you hear a voice inside your head say, “I’m so disappointed in you,” as you tossed them on the donations pile? Was that your voice, or your parent’s?
It’s inevitable to feel some degree of guilt when you declutter. When you do, remember that you cannot change the past, but you can learn from it.
After awhile the guilt will begin to fade. Until it does, use it as motivation to remind you when a change in your environment was so important.
Feeling exposed
You felt great when you slipped into the pair of five-inch, black stilettos. But they wrecked your back and knees, so you wisely got rid of them.
But now, perhaps, you don’t know how to feel confident and sexy without them. You feel so incomplete. You don’t feel good about yourself.
Fight the urge to go out and buy physical products that were substituting for your self-confidence. Learn how to be more confident without buying more.
Things can’t heal you and they can’t soothe you in the long run. Get to the root of the issue. Find confidence in who you are and choose happiness. That contentment is longer-lasting… and leads to much lower credit card payments.
Decluttering didn’t solve your problems
Some people are reporting incredibly positive outcomes from decluttering, such as losing weight and finding their true calling (actually, that was me). Certainly you hoped it would change your life too.
But that epiphany never came, and now you feel duped.
Hang in there. I can’t tell you how or how fast, but the change will come if don’t give in to a yo-yo diet style of decluttering—i.e., endlessly alternating between purging and shopping.
It takes some time, but you will begin to realize that your clutter was acting as a security blanket. And without it, you may feel uncomfortable… and when you are uncomfortable, you will start questioning.
Questioning takes time, but it is good. Focused self-reflection leads to new ideas, self-discoveries, and changes in attitudes and perspectives. It won’t happen overnight. But remain hopeful and stay positive.
Decluttering physical clutter is the first step towards a simpler life, and it’s often a gateway to a further personal transformation. Ultimately, decluttering is about knowing yourself better so you can make the most of your life.
After all, the first step to getting what you want is having the courage to get rid of what you don’t.
These changes take time and effort.
Please remember that you started decluttering to improve your life. Remember to enjoy the results of your hard labor, such as easier cleaning and organizing, reduced maintenance, more space to do whatever your heart desires, and more time for fun.
Eventually, you’ll learn to love your clutter-free space and all the rewards that come with it.
***
Yuko Henden blogs at Clutterless where she helps people tidy up your workspace and work processes so they can focus on the most important things in life.
Wendi says
I read this section with interest, because it is exactly how I am feeling:
“Dusty textbooks and study material you never used—did you hear a voice inside your head say, “I’m so disappointed in you,” as you tossed them on the donations pile? Was that your voice, or your parent’s?
It’s inevitable to feel some degree of guilt when you declutter. When you do, remember that you cannot change the past, but you can learn from it. ”
…First, the voice is definitely my own. Second, when I “remember that [I] cannot change the past but [I] can learn from it…” it makes me think I should retain those books–that I should move forward into something I’ve always felt I should do, but issues of health (which I’ve been trying for years to fix) and full-time job (which I’m starting to feel I should leave) have gotten in the way of the dream. This all clashes with the declutter “should”.
Is there another thought pattern I could use to reinforce tossing books (aka lifelong dreams) despite the guilt?
Yuko Henden says
For me, tossing of the books and letting go of aspiring dreams got easier when I started questioning why I felt I “should.” In the end, I figured those were values I was fed by my parents, peers, society, etc. and not really what I wanted. I also found that if I really wanted something, I would get it or at least try the hardest to get it. If it is not making me work hard for it, it means I don’t really want it. But I’m also kind of lazy, haha. Thanks for reading!
Susan says
Hi,
I am not sure if anyone else feels this way, but here goes. I am afraid to get rid of things because what if I cannot buy things again. My Dad grew up during the depression and I know I have some of that fear.
Susan
Yuko Henden says
Hi Susan, I think there are several ways to go about this. For example:
1) You can do the “separate and see” approach, i.e., put the stuff you’re planning to declutter in an out-of-sight location and continue with your life for a year or so (or however long you need). Go back to the storage after a year and ask yourself again, “Do I really need this?”
2) Start with obvious clutter. For example, out-of-style, worn-out too small/large clothes that have no sentimental value attached.
3) Start slow.
4) Just wait till you are ready to declutter. Saying “no” to decluttering is also your option. You shouldn’t feel forced to let go of your stuff.
5) A lot of people find that they need far less than they thought they did. Even if you can’t buy things again, once you’re used to living with less, you’ll be OK.
Laurie says
What do you do with photographs? Of all my belongings, this is the worst! I have at least four large plastic bins of pictures of my children and family. Just the thought of getting rid of them tears me up! Meanwhile, the bins were removed from one room that I de-cluttered, only to find their way to my bedroom, piled high! Someday I think I could take photos of each picture, creating a digital file. Any other ideas?
Yuko Henden says
Are you thinking of digitizing the pictures yourself? I had about 1,000 pictures of my daughter, and I took them to the nearest Staples to have them saved on a USB stick. I definitely recommend having someone else do the job if you can.
Kathleen says
Personally, I sorted our photos and divided them between our kids. They now have the photos of their childhood memories to show their children and I have less to store. It also gives them a chance to ask about photos of relatives they may not remember due to being so young when the photos were taken.
Patti says
Just this week, I got rid of something one of my children made for me about 15 years ago. It no longer matched my color scheme or decorating style, so it made sense to let it go. I adore my kids, though, and I felt like getting rid of it, was rather like tossing them aside too.
Had they given me a pair of shoes that no longer fit, I wouldn’t feel guilty about not wearing them and giving them away. This decor item no longer “fit,” so why did I feel like I was throwing my kid away by removing the item from my life?
It was in the midst of those guilty feelings that I had an “aha” moment—getting rid of a “thing” does not mean I am getting rid of the relationship. I am very close to my kids, and that isn’t going to change just because I got rid of a decor item.
Relationships are based on the heart, not on things. Ah, but if I could just remember that when it comes to my late grandmother’s things.
Yuko Henden says
Ahhh, the stuff your kid made is one of the toughest stuff to let go of! I unceremoniously tossed my old childhood photos and letters, but I am hesitant when it comes to my daughter’s artwork. It’s also because she still lives at home with us. Maybe in 15 years, I can do something about them.
Pat O says
It all stated with a comment: Less is more. When I first realized I needed to clear my house it was a fun task not taken as seriously as I often see post or blogs. Then slowly it was a mind opening venture as to why do I have this over abundance surrounding me.
As I journeyed thru the process I found more and more about myself. I think it was an awakening more than an elimination of “too much stuff”. As I began reading guest columns I also noticed the importance of the photo as the beginning of these authors. Suggestions like a gratitude journal made me go to a stack of journals that I had covering a decade. Task at hand I read all as I did one per year and the binding thread was the consistent sentence of always having to put up items and make time for myself. I can only say when I opened up to myself I discovered myself. Thank you for what you have done for so many.
Pat
Deb says
For those sentimental items that are hard to part with: take a picture and write a little bit about why they are important to you. Pack the item away for a while then re-visit it after 6 months. Sometimes the picture and story is enough, sometimes you still want to keep the item. As long as it’s a mindful decision it’s ok.
Ingus says
After my third round of decluttering i understood that when decluttering is coming to the end you have to start thinking about what will take it’s place. The whole process took several years. But after decluttering there is this scary emptyness. DO NOT PANIC! It’s only natural. I discovered that not giving in brings new, better ways to occupy the empty space – even just sitting in silence is way way way better than chasing yet another purchase which is supposed to fulfill your empty soul :) Whenever something new wants to come into my life – be it stuff or commitment – i always consider the promise it tries to sell me. It is quite obvious are the promises false or true. My default answer to everything is NO. Because changing it to YES is like 99% easier than the other way around. Try it. And don’t give the space – be it your livingroom or your mental capacity – back to junk. Life is short, stuff is not worth it.
Kathleen says
Great response!
Judy says
This is a great post and perfect timing! I have always felt so much better after a purging of stuff but this time is a little different. Things have gotten ahead of me after major health issues (2 very major surgeries only 10 days apart and 41 days in ICU) in 2014 and after a year of recovery and lots of fuzzy thinking and getting back to my better self again. It’s not as easy for me and papers are my challenge right now…. sorting and shredding health paper extras, catching up on my one file cabinet and sorting what needs to stay (not much) from all the extras it was easier to stash than make decisions about as I received them daily. I did not trust my self to not throw away something we might need until I healed. I miss my simple house style! My back is even letting me know I have been working on this part a bit too long! When I went to the basement with a feeling of “I made it!” yesterday, I found one more tub of EOB’s and booklets that was sent home with us from the hospital! I was so very disappointed! I am so glad the sun is shining today and this article was here for me to read this morning! I think I am happy to have started with the hardest part first… now it will be a joy to do my actual home and bring it back to our peaceful nest again! I’ve had a few regrets about an item or two but it quickly passed…. simplifying made it all worthwhile! I only have one weakness with my purging….I can not get rid of a few pairs of smaller jeans….. still losing weight and they don’t change to replace them. I have cut it back to my 2 favorite pairs in the next 3 smaller sizes ~ I have already gone down 3 sizes….. and I will reach this goal! I only kept tops that fit right now and when I lose my weight, I will choose wisely and simply. Extra kitchen gadgets, dressy work shoes, just in case stuff is all gone and going away even more! I am thankful for your articles and encouragement for the days when I am tired and wonder if I will ever get to my finished spot! Retirement is in the next 2 years and I hope our needs will allow for even more simplifying! Smiling and ready to get back to it today! Thanks!
Kathy from CT says
Great post. I decluttering in small increments so I can feel comfortable with what we have deowned (is there such a word?). I have learned that when I am ready to let go of something, only then will I feel free and no guilt. We didn’t accumulate the stuff overnight, nor will purging it happen overnight. We are learning to live with less while still having a cozy home. Small steps….
KathiCville says
I started decluttering about a year ago, on a casual when-I-have-time basis. My wake-up call came when I spent three days on a solo “retreat” at a no frills, mid-range hotel in order to work undisturbed on a work project that I needed to finish. The “suite” had a little kitchenette, a small living room, a separate small bedroom and bath. In spite of working 16 hours a day during my stay, I felt more relaxed and less stressed than I usually am at home. When I had time to consider why, I realized that I loved being in a small, uncluttered space that had everything I needed, and nothing that I didn’t. I decided then to start paring back the ridiculous accumulation of things that had built up in my house. I still have a long way to go, but I’m already feeling the difference…and loving it!
Yuko Henden says
I can so related to this. The funny thing is that I’ve been decluttering pretty much all my adult life, yet I continue to encounter little moments of epiphany like what you described at least a couple of times a year. Each time I experience that “aha!” moment, I feel like I’m getting closer to who I really am.