We all want to know at the end that our lives counted for something—that we can rest satisfied and fulfilled at the path we chose to walk. I think that is probably the reason why this article (Top Five Regrets of the Dying) continues to be one of the most viral posts on the Internet.
Nobody wants to reach the end of their life and experience regret. Instead, we desire to experience satisfaction with the one life we’ve been given. We desire to live a story that is worth being retold.
Unfortunately, our world has made it too easy to experience the opposite. Our society has championed pursuits that often fade. We spend our lives pursuing them, but have little to show at the very end. And too many, in this scenario, experience regret at the lives they chose to live.
Rarely is the easy path the wisest path. And just because a pursuit has become common to those around us does not mean it results in a desired end. Consider these 9 common ways to become unsatisfied with life:
Focus entirely on yourself. The size of our universe shrinks considerably when we place ourselves at the center. And the people who are most focused on themselves are the least satisfied in life. On the other hand, those who see their life as an opportunity to bring joy to others quickly find it themselves.
Treat money as the goal. Personal wealth is promoted and encouraged at every turn in our society—as if becoming rich is the ultimate goal any of us could achieve. I am certainly not against working hard and being compensated for your talents. But I am against viewing money as the goal of our life… or even the goal of the day in front of us. Too often, we pursue it at the expense of more satisfying things.
Make pleasure your chief concern. Related to the pursuit of money, our greatest contributions are often sacrificed because we pursue pleasure instead (or comfort and luxury which are closely related). We sacrifice long-term resources in order to experience short-term pleasure. Certainly there could be a strong argument made that a satisfying life is a pleasurable one, but we are too quick to settle for short-term, temporal pleasure rather than one that results from a life lived with purpose and intention.
Blame everybody else. Blame is far too prevalent in our world. We blame our parents, our spouses, our employers, our teachers, our government, our upbringing, our environment, and our financial condition (just to name a few). We blame others for our faults and our unhappiness. And every time we do, we lose. Because the decision to blame others for our shortcomings will always keep us from making the changes in our lives that are so desperately needed.
Be defined by your negative circumstances. Jack Kornfield once said, “Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” This is an important truth and an important promise. Our lives are not ultimately defined by the negative circumstances that happened in our past. They may have affected the trajectory of our lives, but they do not write the final chapter. We hold the pen.
Hide your true self. There is little to be gained in living a life of inauthenticity. Not only is it unfair to those around us, it is also unfair to us. Those who live openly and honestly, recognizing and admitting their weaknesses and faults inspire others to do the same. And in the end, all that is gained is true and honest and strangely satisfying.
Allow pride to guide you. Pride is far more subtle an influence on our life than we realize. And it is often a byproduct of success—success in almost any endeavor. But pride always steers us incorrectly. It refuses the opportunity to learn from others and be influenced by them. It keeps us in bondage to the limited vantage point of our experience.
Miss the journey for the destination. Ursula K. LeGuin said it like this, “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” Too often, we live our lives from destination to destination. We look back and mark the significant accomplishments as the milestones that define our lives: a graduation, a new job, a move, or overcoming a tragedy. But life is not lived exclusively in these destinations. In fact, it is far more often lived in the pathways between them. Appreciate the joy in the journey rather than always hurrying to the next destination.
Carry more than you need. Every excess is added burden to our lives. And yet we continue to pursue and accumulate more than we need—more house, more car, more clothes, more dishes. Owning less means less cleaning, less burden, less anxiety, and less stress each and every day. It provides the space and opportunity to pursue the things in life that matter—the very items that bring lasting satisfaction to our lives.
Only a fool believes the wide road is necessarily the right road. Finding a life of lasting satisfaction and fulfillment is rarely found looking in the same places as everyone else. Leading a happy life requires an entirely different story to be written.
DrWe says
Yes, money should never be the goal of anything. Important reminder. I think that’s why some of the wealthiest people in the world have pledged to give away most of their fortunes. Money simply did not deliver what they had hoped. Thanks for another great post, Joshua.
Cas says
My occasional dissatisfaction with life generally stems from jealousy of someone else’s trip, purchases, etc. Which is silly, because we’ve had our own trips and I have the means to purchase some of those same items that they do, but I choose not to.
Most of the time though, I find it ridiculously crazy and unbelievable how good my life is. I find it amazing every time I go to a class at my gym what my body can do. I have a phenomenal choice of good foods to choose from at grocery stores and local shops and markets. I have a house that shelters me and is styled how I chose. I have a job that I mostly love and ample time to spend with a fairly loving family. I could go on and on with my appreciation for so many things, running water, hot water, clean water, heat, …
I don’t understand how people with access to all of these things choose to be miserable every day. It blows my mind, and while I’d like to stay away from their negativity, they seem to seek me out. I hope that I’m an inspiration to them?
Sadie says
“Because the decision to blame others for our shortcomings will always keep us from making the changes in our lives that are so desperately needed.”
I could not disagree more with this statement. For those who have experienced trauma, recognizing that it is not their fault (which is to say, recognizing that someone else is to blame) is the beginning of freedom.
Why should it be any different for those who have experienced smaller harms?
Recognizing the patterns that are set in motion for you by your upbringing, by circumstances beyond your control, is the first step to releasing yourself from the cycle of behaviors you developed in response. You can (and must!) choose to begin anew, but it is a process of undoing the old ways and learning new ways. It is neither easy nor simple. But it is very freeing!
Many people get bogged down at the first step, and to some degree, we all fear it– that if we name the harms that have come to us, we will live under them forever. But in fact, that is how we begin to assume responsibility for ourselves, release the past, and take ownership of our present.
PumaGrins says
I think both are important. As a survivor I’m still struggling to place the blame for what happened to me where it belongs – with the perpetrators. But I believe the author’s point is equally valid pointed either direction.
Yes, I need to place blame for others’ actions with the other. AND I need to learn how to truly take responsibility for my own actions without focusing on the blame of what happened but upon who I choose to be when freed of that blame entirely.
Queen Mary says
This is a wonderful point Sadie.
GailKatherine says
Thank you for this list! Just spent yesterday pondering why I was dissatisfied with my life which is filled with many blessings. Realized I spend way too much time focused on myself. This week, my goal is to look for ways to focus on others.
Bob Pepe says
I have to constantly tell myself that I am still “holding the Pen”
Christina @ Embracing Simple says
Really loving this post!
I think that enjoying the journey instead of focusing on the destination is so important! It can be really hard to do sometimes when you get caught up in goals or what you’d like your life to look like years from now, but is really crucial to living a content and happy life.
Thanks for the great reminder, Joshua. Happy Saturday to you!
BrownVagabonder says
My two ways of becoming dissatisfied with life are to blame everyone else, and not be true to myself.
Every single time, I cut down the nitty-gritty and focus on being myself as I am, without all the peripheral items, I am happy.
Every single time, I focus on taking responsibility for every aspect of my life no matter how unfair it seems at the time, I feel a huge release of joy and unrequited happiness.
I need to keep reminding myself of these two sources of misery for me over and over again, as I keep on forgetting! Thanks for this post – as always you are succinct and perfect in your writing.
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Claire/Justalittleless says
I like the idea of writing a ‘different story’. Today I’ll be holding the pen. Many thanks Joshua for such an inspiring post. Claire
Jenny says
Thanks for sharing your gift of writing. x
Linda@Creekside says
And how ’bout choosing to moan, groan, complain, whine, and grumble about matters that will have little to no significance when all is said and done.
Love this post … I’m sharing it on my sidebar, Joshua.
Weekend blessings …
Tina says
Thank you, I made note of my “Do or Be..” to refer to, can think of many scriptures to go with :).