We all want to know at the end that our lives counted for something—that we can rest satisfied and fulfilled at the path we chose to walk. I think that is probably the reason why this article (Top Five Regrets of the Dying) continues to be one of the most viral posts on the Internet.
Nobody wants to reach the end of their life and experience regret. Instead, we desire to experience satisfaction with the one life we’ve been given. We desire to live a story that is worth being retold.
Unfortunately, our world has made it too easy to experience the opposite. Our society has championed pursuits that often fade. We spend our lives pursuing them, but have little to show at the very end. And too many, in this scenario, experience regret at the lives they chose to live.
Rarely is the easy path the wisest path. And just because a pursuit has become common to those around us does not mean it results in a desired end. Consider these 9 common ways to become unsatisfied with life:
Focus entirely on yourself. The size of our universe shrinks considerably when we place ourselves at the center. And the people who are most focused on themselves are the least satisfied in life. On the other hand, those who see their life as an opportunity to bring joy to others quickly find it themselves.
Treat money as the goal. Personal wealth is promoted and encouraged at every turn in our society—as if becoming rich is the ultimate goal any of us could achieve. I am certainly not against working hard and being compensated for your talents. But I am against viewing money as the goal of our life… or even the goal of the day in front of us. Too often, we pursue it at the expense of more satisfying things.
Make pleasure your chief concern. Related to the pursuit of money, our greatest contributions are often sacrificed because we pursue pleasure instead (or comfort and luxury which are closely related). We sacrifice long-term resources in order to experience short-term pleasure. Certainly there could be a strong argument made that a satisfying life is a pleasurable one, but we are too quick to settle for short-term, temporal pleasure rather than one that results from a life lived with purpose and intention.
Blame everybody else. Blame is far too prevalent in our world. We blame our parents, our spouses, our employers, our teachers, our government, our upbringing, our environment, and our financial condition (just to name a few). We blame others for our faults and our unhappiness. And every time we do, we lose. Because the decision to blame others for our shortcomings will always keep us from making the changes in our lives that are so desperately needed.
Be defined by your negative circumstances. Jack Kornfield once said, “Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” This is an important truth and an important promise. Our lives are not ultimately defined by the negative circumstances that happened in our past. They may have affected the trajectory of our lives, but they do not write the final chapter. We hold the pen.
Hide your true self. There is little to be gained in living a life of inauthenticity. Not only is it unfair to those around us, it is also unfair to us. Those who live openly and honestly, recognizing and admitting their weaknesses and faults inspire others to do the same. And in the end, all that is gained is true and honest and strangely satisfying.
Allow pride to guide you. Pride is far more subtle an influence on our life than we realize. And it is often a byproduct of success—success in almost any endeavor. But pride always steers us incorrectly. It refuses the opportunity to learn from others and be influenced by them. It keeps us in bondage to the limited vantage point of our experience.
Miss the journey for the destination. Ursula K. LeGuin said it like this, “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” Too often, we live our lives from destination to destination. We look back and mark the significant accomplishments as the milestones that define our lives: a graduation, a new job, a move, or overcoming a tragedy. But life is not lived exclusively in these destinations. In fact, it is far more often lived in the pathways between them. Appreciate the joy in the journey rather than always hurrying to the next destination.
Carry more than you need. Every excess is added burden to our lives. And yet we continue to pursue and accumulate more than we need—more house, more car, more clothes, more dishes. Owning less means less cleaning, less burden, less anxiety, and less stress each and every day. It provides the space and opportunity to pursue the things in life that matter—the very items that bring lasting satisfaction to our lives.
Only a fool believes the wide road is necessarily the right road. Finding a life of lasting satisfaction and fulfillment is rarely found looking in the same places as everyone else. Leading a happy life requires an entirely different story to be written.
Judy says
“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” LOVE THAT! :)
Stacy B says
In a discussion I had today I talked with someone about the new hyper-focus and “the easy road of happiness.” I’m not going to lie–I’ve drank the kool-aid. I’ve read a number of books on the subject and have some tricks that I use to ease some of the bumpier pathways. However, I think there is great danger on believing that pleasure/happiness is the greatest pursuit in life. It seems that in America that is of great concentration on sought. How can we truly understand joy if we don’t have some of the other? To have the human experience you have to embrace it all. Hopefully, the scale weighs heavier on the joy side. Just some late night rambling… Cheers.
https://awellstockedlife.wordpress.com/2015/03/23/overcoming-perfectionism/
Sharon Altermatt says
I agree. Happiness is a subtle by product of a life of service. Those who truly give themselves, like Mother Teresa, never ask themselves, “am I happy?” They don’t even think or care about being happy. But very few people are that way so you have to teach them how to be happy. And most Saints go through periods of deep depression and there again never think much about that either. They’ve totally lost the concept of “self.”
Bethany @ Journey to Ithaca says
Good suggestions, but I would like to bring up the point that focusing on serving and giving, while not attending to your own needs, can be very harmful. Why does there need to be “me” and “others,” in two different categories? Rather than focusing on superficial needs, if we really work on healing ourselves, we heal all of those around us. My latest post addresses this: http://ourjourneytoithaca.com/2015/03/22/true-power-lies-beyond-vulnerability/
Sharon Altermatt says
I disagree. Those who can totally forget themselves are the happiest in the world. Thinking you have to put yourself first in order to serve others is not true at all and is a relatively new concept.
April @ Oxford Mins says
(Whoops – try again.)
“We hold the pen.” What a profound thing to realize at a difficult time. When I’m struggling to accept that I can’t change what’s happened in the past, I’ll hold on to the thought that the future is mine to write.
April @ Oxford Mins says
“We hold the pen.” What a profound thing to realize at
Yukie says
Hi Joshua,
I personally think that viewing money as the goal of our life is normal. This is especially true for the poor or those below the middle class, who need money to obtain satisfying things such as plenty food and drink to enjoy togetherness with their family, and education to allow them to seize opportunity toward a better future, that in turn can give more fulfilling lifestyle. Therefore it is reasonable that money becomes one’s goal of life and of the day, because we all need it to attain the satisfying things.
As long as we still want to enjoy those things every day, we need enough income. That is why many people pursue financial freedom as a goal, for instance by building their own business. Once built, this new business must be grown until profitable, and afterward it must be maintained to provide stable or increasing passive income; both of these require work. Hence, in my opinion making money is one of the absolute goals in life – we need to allocate our time to achieve it, just like we set aside our time to enjoy the money.
Wealthy individuals also do the same. However, what makes them unsatisfied in life might be because they regard money as the sole life priority, and thus they keep accumulating their wealth without sharing with the needy and setting limit to their lifestyle so as to enable them to live simply. All in all, I believe that we need earning money as a goal to meet our basic needs (such as health, food and education). Then after these are already met, we raise the amount to reach the level of lifestyle that we desire. Next, we maintain or grow that amount in order to sustain our lifestyle.
Sharon Altermatt says
Some of the happiest people on earth don’t have the “basics of life.” Watch the movie “Happieness.”
MH says
Nice topic, for every one, specially who wants to live unhappy
herring says
Utterly unoriginal. Been hearing the same thing all my life, ie since the 50s.
xxx says
I’m sure you have, but remember what C.S. Lewis said: Humans need to be reminded more than they need to be taught.
Sharon Altermatt says
But the majority of people don’t seem to learn do they? That is why movie stars and those who can’t tell themselves no often kill themselves.
Jacqueline says
well its taken me to get to the age of 53yrs old to realise why i am sometimes so upset etc etc, i have give people the power to rule over me, i gave that power away, i was in a situation today and it went wrong and thats where the trouble usually starts, but this time i thought well i am not perfect and there is always something to deal with, and let it drop, that simple, i also think we need to be real, other wise its false, fear has ruled over me all my life and so i have been a victim of bullies and i thought for this to keep on happening i must at some point be contributing to it, and the light went on, i give the bullies far too much power, and when they see it bothers me its like adding fuel to the fire, the thing is i have many friends why do i let them control me and ruin my day my week etc, it made me see for once i needed to change, thank you for your help love Jacqueline
Ed Hansberry says
Joshua, fantastic article. I have to ask, are you a Christian? As I read these, after each one I was thinking to myself “Hmmm, that is a biblical principle”, “Yup, that is in the bible”, “Uh huh, Jesus said the same thing” and on for each one of them.
I spent a few minutes for my own use just putting a few verses to each of your items. There are, in most cases, many more, so these are just examples:
1) Focus on self – Romans 8:8, Romans 2:8, James 3:16, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
2) Treat money as the goal – Luke 12:15, Matthew 6:19-21, 24
3) Make pleasure your chief concern – Prodigal Son story – Luke 15:11-32, Psalms 37:4, Ecclesiastes chapters 1-4 (and of course, you can hear Eccl ch3 being sung by the Byrds in the song “Turn, Turn, Turn”)
4) Blame everyone else – 1 Corinthians 13:11, Ezekiel 18:20, Galatians 6:7-8, Numbers 32:23
5) Being defined by bad circumstaces – 2 Corinthians 6:3-10, John 3:16 (we have infinite worth, despite our circumstances)
6) Hide your true self – 1 Peter 3:3-4, 1 Samual 16:7, Romans 12:2
7) Allow pride to guide you – Matthew 5:3, Proverbs 16:18-19
8) Miss the journey for the destination – 2 Corinthians 7:1, Philippians 1:6
9) Carry more than you need – Luke 3:11, Luke 10:4
Some of these positively reinforce your list, some negatively reinforce it, i.e. what happens if you are prideful for example.
Anyway, fantastic post. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to spend an hour or so on this list this morning.
joan says
Almost every religion reflects, promotes similar values…giving, sharing, peace, and so on.
Ed Hansberry says
Heh. Never mind. I just started reading your “Simplify” book and by page 6, I have the answer. Thanks! :-)
Judy says
Yes! :) Christ/God teaches us well! Love what you did here, Ed.
Kay says
What Great thoughts and comments. Raw truth .
Thank you !
Kay
Kay says
Ed, I love what you did here. I now have a few things to read up on in my bible?. God bless !
Sharon Altermatt says
I was thinking the same thing while I read this. We almost need the concept of heaven and hell (which I do believe in) to make us do what we should do and the end result is happiness forever.