“If you don’t fit in, then you are probably doing the right thing.”
In high school, I played tennis and my favorite class was Accounting. I found out pretty early that the tennis team didn’t get invited to many parties…neither did the accountants.
On the other hand, my twin brother started on the football team, the basketball team, and the track team. He was pretty much one of the stars on each.
One of my best friends was three years younger than me and lived across the street. My brother hung out with the guys three years older.
Fortunately, I had plenty of free time to reflect on life while sitting alone at home—usually while my brother was hanging out at some party somewhere.
There was plenty of opportunity for me to long for the day when being one of the cool kids didn’t matter.
Some days, I think I’m still waiting.
A few weeks ago, I was in a local clothing store with my wife. I needed new pants (something about a hole in the crotch of my old ones). They sold pants. It seemed like a good fit.
As would be expected, we were not the only shoppers in the store. And I was not the only one using the dressing rooms. In fact, I wasn’t even the only one asking my wife for her opinion.
As I emerged from one of the dressing rooms wearing a khaki pair of pants, I noticed a young female shopper striking up a conversation with my wife.
The shopper began, “Do you think this shirt looks good on me? I think it looks a little boxy.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It does look a little boxy on you,” my wife answered.
The young woman replied, “Yeah, I know. It’s just that everybody is wearing this style now. Honestly, I just like wearing t-shirts and jeans. I really don’t know what to do.”
Of course, in my mind, the answer was simple: It doesn’t matter what everyone else is wearing, buy the type of clothing you like best. Spend your money on something you really love, not just the current fashion trends at parties and in the magazines.
But I know full-well it’s not always that easy.
The pull towards conformity can be strong. The desire to fit in with popular culture is significant at times. And no matter how old we get, the desire to run with the cool kids can still remain.
But within each of us is a desire that is even stronger—the desire to be ourselves, to embrace the things we love and enjoy and make us unique.
One of the best decisions we can make is to reject the cultural expectations that shift and change with the wind. And to accept the fact that we don’t need to run with the cool kids to be happy.
We can choose to be ourselves instead.
Susan says
I like to think that we all are products of the structures we are born, raised and live in (time, place, social circumstances etc.), and we all are introduced to a limited range of options in regards to how we initially start to, or choose to live (or change) our life. Thanks to an emergent counter-culture such as the one that the minimalist bloggers represents, minimalism becomes another lifestyle possibility for many more people today. These blogs and peoples comments truly encourages me to continue to walk the minimalist path, as I have done for 20 years now, since I was quite young. But I still find the social pressures and peoples misinterpretation of the underlying reasons (like thinking I am poor or crazy) difficult at times…I also tend to not explain or defend my lifestyle if I don´t feel like it, as I often think it´s nobody´s business how I live my life…
Eric West says
I have found life to be much more rewarding once I gave up on trying to keep up with my friends, neighbors, and coworkers. In some cases that meant letting go of friends that were competitive, and not beneficial to the way I wanted to live life.
I’ve given up on keeping up with the latest TV gossip, the latest in cars, and when we downsized from a house to an apartment I gave up on all the home related wares.
I frequently get left out of conversations about such topics, but after some time, my coworkers have come to expect me to be a bit different. Embrace your differences and in a way you end up being cooler than if you were one of the pack.
Tracey says
What I find intriguing is that somehow our basic need to relate to one another has been converted to being “cool” or “popular”. I think most people in how they want things may be stemmed from a basic need to be alike one another, and then society plays it that some of these are “cool” so either is accepted or rejected.
Himselfunknown says
The older I get, the less I feel the need to ‘conform’. And I never really bothered to conform when I was at school (I was into rock and heavy metal when that was seriously uncool!) to start with.
In my last job, my younger co-workers started off wondering who this weird old guy was (I’m 37, but old in their eyes) who didn’t even watch TV and wore ‘retro’ clothes only because he’d bought them the first time round.
Over time, they realised that having a conversation with me was, while initially more difficult (X Factor/Game of Thrones discussion – forget it!), was ultimately more rewarding because it was more challenging, and that, due to my ‘weirdness’, I am more interesting because of it.
Melinda Schoutens says
Beautiful photo of Vik, Iceland and a lovely message. Thank you for the gentle reminder. Be well!
Jacqueline says
The world programmes us to all be the same, but we unique and need to celebrate that, my hair went grey at 30ish refused to colour it and now have so many good comments from even the younger ones, went for a job interview wore my lovely flowery top, went as me for a change, very freeing and i got the job, i am 52yrs old, be who you are, we all might look the same but when God created us He gave us all a different “finger print”, that says it all to me, be encouraged you world changers haha lv Jacqueline
Stephanie says
Hi Jacqueline–your comment was so encouraging to me! It might be a small thing in a way, but I’m worried about my hair going gray early also. It is so tempting to try to fit in on all fronts, and try to blend in as much as we can. It was really refreshing to read your comment and remember that we create our own beauty when we work with what God gave us! Thanks also for your faith in a higher power–it is encouraging to see another believer in the comments! God bless! -Stephanie
Briana says
Growing up I always wanted to fit in with the “cool kids” but as hard as I tried I never did. But I’m happy I don’t fit in with them it was never worth it and I’m happy I have finally learned that
daphne says
beautifully said. I’m still amazed, at 43 years old, how strong the pull is to “run with the cool kids” at the expense of my own value and joy. ah… there is always more awareness to be had. :)
Vishnu says
Hi Joshua – completely agree with this post. We can choose ourselves. Unfortunately, for most of us, from our childhood through school and college, we are constantly compared by others. Competitions, exams (curved grading), jobs and salaries – we are told (by society and our parents/family) what the gold standard is. It’s really hard to break away from the comparison game and stop following everyone else.
I left a well-paying and stable job and to this day, everyone encourages me to go back to it. I, on the other hand, have never been happier.
We need to forget the gold standard and follow our own standard.
Carine says
Timely post, in the wake of the new ‘gizmo’ launched last week with max hulabaloo and many, otherwise intelligent, reasonable and compassionate, individuals telling you that they MUST have said ‘gizmo’ to improve their life. What they are really saying is “if I have this then I will be accepted and therefore my life will improve”.
After many years on the consumerist treadmill I’m glad I can see clearly (or clearly-er) now that 1/ I have to dig inside myself to be happy and outside recognition doesn’t improve my life.
Although some, free external things do improve my life
Jessica says
Tshirt and jeans are the best! :D
Nevertheless at the same time as there are upsides to doing your own thing and going your own way there are also downsides. When you’re not the sheep that follows the herd you are more vulnerable to attacks from big bad wolves, so you gotta sheep-up before you make your own way.
Lee Victoria says
I was definitely on the “out” in school…however, I relished being in my own “in.” There’s always something that the “forgotten” kids are aware of in their lives, that the non-forgotten kids aren’t… that’s the trade off I believe. However, there is a loneliness to the “outsiders” that is hard to recover from… when you leave school and don’t have to “survive” the days as you did before, you suffer a little from the social deprivation that being on the “outside” of things, brought about. That’s the difference in being an “outsider!” compared with a Bourgeois… there’s always a trade-off of some sorts!