“If you don’t fit in, then you are probably doing the right thing.”
In high school, I played tennis and my favorite class was Accounting. I found out pretty early that the tennis team didn’t get invited to many parties…neither did the accountants.
On the other hand, my twin brother started on the football team, the basketball team, and the track team. He was pretty much one of the stars on each.
One of my best friends was three years younger than me and lived across the street. My brother hung out with the guys three years older.
Fortunately, I had plenty of free time to reflect on life while sitting alone at home—usually while my brother was hanging out at some party somewhere.
There was plenty of opportunity for me to long for the day when being one of the cool kids didn’t matter.
Some days, I think I’m still waiting.
A few weeks ago, I was in a local clothing store with my wife. I needed new pants (something about a hole in the crotch of my old ones). They sold pants. It seemed like a good fit.
As would be expected, we were not the only shoppers in the store. And I was not the only one using the dressing rooms. In fact, I wasn’t even the only one asking my wife for her opinion.
As I emerged from one of the dressing rooms wearing a khaki pair of pants, I noticed a young female shopper striking up a conversation with my wife.
The shopper began, “Do you think this shirt looks good on me? I think it looks a little boxy.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It does look a little boxy on you,” my wife answered.
The young woman replied, “Yeah, I know. It’s just that everybody is wearing this style now. Honestly, I just like wearing t-shirts and jeans. I really don’t know what to do.”
Of course, in my mind, the answer was simple: It doesn’t matter what everyone else is wearing, buy the type of clothing you like best. Spend your money on something you really love, not just the current fashion trends at parties and in the magazines.
But I know full-well it’s not always that easy.
The pull towards conformity can be strong. The desire to fit in with popular culture is significant at times. And no matter how old we get, the desire to run with the cool kids can still remain.
But within each of us is a desire that is even stronger—the desire to be ourselves, to embrace the things we love and enjoy and make us unique.
One of the best decisions we can make is to reject the cultural expectations that shift and change with the wind. And to accept the fact that we don’t need to run with the cool kids to be happy.
We can choose to be ourselves instead.
Kim K says
i.love.every.single.post
Himselfunknown says
Some lyrics from one of my favorite groups (Senser), that have stuck with me over the years and really relevant:
“Fashion is something so ugly
it has to be changed every 15 minutes
but style is something versatile
and in the way you move and in the way you smile…”
Susan says
In high school, I felt I hung out with the ‘cool kids’, yet never felt fully as one of them. I never wanted to be so ingrained with a group as to lose what made me unique. This has continued well into my adult life. As someone said, we all have a need to be part of a larger group, yet it is important to not sacrifice our uniqueness. If the group requires conformity, then I walk away.
Renee says
The sentiments you express are exactly what is behind the constant urge I have to purge my home and my life. I’ve bought things or created situations or engaged in relationships that aren’t true to me. They don’t fit and I feel awkward and I want to clear the way for the things that make me feel free and authentic.
Raychel says
It sounds like being the cool kid costs more than just doing your own thing. I would rather work on my retirement fund than buy a shirt I don’t like.
Jacquie says
it doesn’t help either by music with the song “Wish that I could be like the cool kids” engraining into our young people that somehow they are inadequate. Being an individual and happy with who you are is what everyone should strive for.
Lance Bertram says
It’s when we quit trying so hard to fit in, we find out where we belong.
Stephanie says
This article was very comforting to me. Joshua, you have mentioned that you and your wife have little kiddos. My husband and I had our first baby this year, and I love our son to death, but I’ve struggled with my identity ever since he was born in February. I did not bounce back physically like I hoped I would, and I have had health problems that have kept my energy at a pretty low point. Beyond that, I totally understand the need to feel cool…I feel very “uncool” at this point in my life, that is for sure! Haha. I see these trendy women in my stage in life and I think, “How in the world can they 1) afford to spend so much money on clothes, and 2) seemingly keep it all together and follow all these trends?” I want to look nice but I am not willing to pay top dollar for a blouse that’s just going to go out of style in a year. I struggle–on the one hand I see the foolishness in that kind of living, but I also still want to be seen as pretty and somewhat trendy. When I was in school, there was almost nothing I wanted more than to fit in, because I was always a misfit. That need to be accepted has always been buried in the back of my mind, even in the times in my life when I accepted myself more completely for who I was. It’s a more prominent struggle for me now. The stress of taking care of a baby 24/7, as well as trying to get myself back to how I looked before the pregnancy, as well as worrying about whether I’m dressing frumpy compared to the fashionable women I know…well, I’m worn out. I’m realizing that I need to take some time to reflect on what I truly want out of life. Forget about the other women I know, forget about what I see on Facebook–just redefine what I want in my life, and pursue that with a singular focus. Thanks for the reminder–I needed it. Your writing is very encouraging to me and my husband!
Patches says
I’m right there with you, I had my 2nd baby a year ago. I feel very uncool and fear there is no going back for me. This evening I was going to attempt to pluck some embarrassing facial hair while my children sat quietly for 5 seconds and suddenly the younger ones diaper was leaking pee down my back and I had to clean him, the couch,the floor and prepare a snack before returning to my basic self maintenance. I thought “this is why I have a BEARD!!” But my children make everyday better than a day of pampering every could be, so I am thankful for the lessons they so easily teach me:)
Jack says
excellent perspective. As a teenager in 1967 I read Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essays and in particular his essay on self-reliance.
A couple of excellent quotes: “to be great is to be misunderstood”, “who-so be a man must be a nonconformist”. It was the 60s; I knew I was different than the rest. Having read Emerson made me realize that it was okay to be different. It was my new mantra for life.
serge says
Well, for you with age “running with cool kids” got replaced by seeking approval of only your wife. That is healthy. For many people building social relationships adjusting their appearance is the first step, however .. What makes us “feeling yourself” sometimes has nothing to do with personality. My ex-wife had a favorite style of clothing which was in fashion when her mother was in a courtship age ;). It did not look good on her nor on her mother, for that matter ;)