“If you don’t fit in, then you are probably doing the right thing.”
In high school, I played tennis and my favorite class was Accounting. I found out pretty early that the tennis team didn’t get invited to many parties…neither did the accountants.
On the other hand, my twin brother started on the football team, the basketball team, and the track team. He was pretty much one of the stars on each.
One of my best friends was three years younger than me and lived across the street. My brother hung out with the guys three years older.
Fortunately, I had plenty of free time to reflect on life while sitting alone at home—usually while my brother was hanging out at some party somewhere.
There was plenty of opportunity for me to long for the day when being one of the cool kids didn’t matter.
Some days, I think I’m still waiting.
A few weeks ago, I was in a local clothing store with my wife. I needed new pants (something about a hole in the crotch of my old ones). They sold pants. It seemed like a good fit.
As would be expected, we were not the only shoppers in the store. And I was not the only one using the dressing rooms. In fact, I wasn’t even the only one asking my wife for her opinion.
As I emerged from one of the dressing rooms wearing a khaki pair of pants, I noticed a young female shopper striking up a conversation with my wife.
The shopper began, “Do you think this shirt looks good on me? I think it looks a little boxy.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It does look a little boxy on you,” my wife answered.
The young woman replied, “Yeah, I know. It’s just that everybody is wearing this style now. Honestly, I just like wearing t-shirts and jeans. I really don’t know what to do.”
Of course, in my mind, the answer was simple: It doesn’t matter what everyone else is wearing, buy the type of clothing you like best. Spend your money on something you really love, not just the current fashion trends at parties and in the magazines.
But I know full-well it’s not always that easy.
The pull towards conformity can be strong. The desire to fit in with popular culture is significant at times. And no matter how old we get, the desire to run with the cool kids can still remain.
But within each of us is a desire that is even stronger—the desire to be ourselves, to embrace the things we love and enjoy and make us unique.
One of the best decisions we can make is to reject the cultural expectations that shift and change with the wind. And to accept the fact that we don’t need to run with the cool kids to be happy.
We can choose to be ourselves instead.
Being yourself is one of the most beautiful things ever to do :)
Thank you for writing this! It’s very true.
I grew up in a pretty conservative country, at a time when the pinnacle of a woman’s life was getting married wearing a lot of gold jewelry. (I’m a woman, BTW.) As soon as an infant girl was born, her family started amassing jewelry and saving up for her future wedding.
My goal was to study astrophysics. I was never interested in jewelry. It looked good on other women, but it entailed too much bother and fuss.
Well, information technology and associated fields became a big thing, and suddenly, my training in physics became a valued skill. I found employment as a faculty member straight after grad school in the USA. My college processed a green card for me.
And the most unexpected outcome of my life choices were finding myself happier and more fulfilled than the women who had simpered “Science and Math are SO hard”, with the subtext that they were too feminine to go into these fields.
My favorite poem which has stayed with me since my teens (and I’m nearing 71 now) – by Stephen Crane
“Think as I think,” said a man,
“Or you are abominably wicked.
You are a toad.”
And after I had thought on it I said,
“I will, then, be a toad.”
Since you choose to be a toad, I wish you may live hoppily ever after.
I couldn’t agree with you, more, Joshua. After taking Sociology, I had a better understanding of agency (the #1 being our families) and then during a certain period of our life, our peers become the #1 agency in our lives. It seems to me as though those 2 groups sort of fluctuate in importance throughout our lives. My question is, what about society? Well, the people we associate with influence us. They are also referred to as role models. Who do we listen to? Our parents, our friends, our co-workers, our siblings, our significant other(s), etc.? With the law of attraction, often times people will talk about how you become who your top 5 friends are. Then, in Sociology, I learned about the sociological lense – how we’re always changing based on social context. People wear these clothes for these events, people act this way around these people, etc. and it depends on who you’ll be surrounding yourself with. In that sense, I realized how very difficult it is to not be influenced by others. Part of how we developed was by relying on what others thought about us and then we, therefore, saw ourselves in the ways that others described us in (like looking into a meta mirror). With all of the broadcasting in the world, it’s so easy to lose yourself in this whirlwind of opinions. Therefore, I see the value in getting quiet in a noisy world. I see that it’s one of the ways in which people can really, truly tap into what they want and who they are. I prefer to surround myself with people who accept me for who I am. If I have to fake who I am to make more $, that’s not right for me. Denying who I really am to please others has never served me in the long run. It has only made me feel more and more like an outcast. Your message is very powerful, in this post. We don’t need to be who others think we should be. We need to be who we want to be. That, I believe, is true self love.
Thank you for sharing your words as well. Couldn’t agree more, with you either ;)
I love the way you put this. I have also studied sociology so it resonates with me. I am far happier when I am just being me and doing what I love to do, which is play music, and I totally relate to the whole wearing a certain style for certain activities in our life, but I am far more comfortable when I wear my own style. I was just thinking about the whole concept of being genuine, and hanging around people who appreciate my authenticity the other day. I buy clothes that I am comfortable in, and not what everyone else is wearing.
Reannah…That could be an article in itself. Very wise words. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, ?
When I was a stay-at-home mom We saved tremendously for our family. A very unpopular choice for my women friends. Now being a single mom, I know the time spend with my youngest has kept us closer. This was for me my relationship with my children I cared the most and they have helped me. Although I would never want to live on one income anymore my kids are now on their way to college next year and it has made me feel very proud.
Yes, good reminder to tell our inner child. Wish we could tell our younger self that or our kids. When I was in HS 40 years ago, there was a poster in the library that I will never forget. It helped me a lot when I was feeling left out. It said:
” I would rather sit alone on a pumpkin, than be crowded on a velvet cushion ” loved it then and love it now.
But I did really want Calvin Klein jeans and my Mom said “are you crazy? $40 for jeans!!
If You want them, then buy them yourself.” I saved up my babysitting money and loved them, but appreciated them MORE than if she just went out and got them. BTW, Levi’s were around $12 for comparison. Paid for those too.
Really like this quote, I would change it a little bit like : Sitting on a pumkin dressed in velvet cape and crowned ? :0)
Great advice! I used to want to be one of the cool kids. Not anymore; I wear what I like and don’t pay attention to trends. I don’t have or want a smart phone; I have a dumb phone, it’s my silent protest against conformity :-).
I was always an outsider when I went to school – always had 1 or 2 friends, lucky me, so I wasn’t completely on my own. But I never fit in with the crowd, I was never popular, I was never accepted by the “cool kids” who wore all the cool clothes and got new cars for their birthdays.
After school, when I got to pick who I hung out with, it got much easier. Now at 32 I rub along comfortably with my colleagues, we’re not super tight but get along well (luckily they are all the good kind of slightly crazy). I have a few close friends that I value very much, and a very good “support network” in my friends and family that proved very valuable these last few months after a very painful breakup.
I also have a wide circle of (not so close) friends that seem to enjoy hanging out with me.
Long story short: having been an outsider all my school years makes me so grateful for the friends I have now. I value them for who they are, and they value me for who I am.
I moved a lot while growing up. Two different middle schools and four different high schools. No my parents weren’t in the military . I was in band, played basketball, ( and a bunch of other sports), and loved science classes. I straddled the line between nerd and almost cool. I’ve always kinda done my own thing which is why I am usually on the outer fringes watching the “cool” people. I’m good with this. Life is too short to try to fit in to a catagory. If I wake up in the morning and I’m breathing everything while fall into place from there. Good luck everyone.