Note: This is a guest post from Denaye Barahona of Simple Families.
I wrapped up a work trip to Los Angeles and found myself wandering the Santa Monica Pier. As I soaked up the warmth of the day, I found myself missing my kids. The ocean, the sun, the sand… I wanted to share it all with them.
I wanted to bottle it all up and take it home with me.
But alas, the TSA wasn’t going to endorse a jug of salt water and sand in my carry on. Eventually, I found myself standing squarely in front of a kiosk of inexpensive toys. My eye quickly went to a plastic, battery-powered, light-up unicorn headband.
The only thing lighting up brighter than that unicorn horn would be my three-year-old daughter when I put it on her head. She would love that toy.
The joy it would bring to her life would be immeasurable—for at least 18 seconds until she lost interest or it broke. Even though it would have been an extra special treat to surprise her with when I got home, it was a hard pass for me.
Where does it go?
After that 18-second-window-of-elation, the unicorn will live on. For her early life, she may live on crammed in the bottom of a toy box, then she may meet her demise accidentally dropped in a parking lot never to be seen again. But don’t be fooled, the mythical creature is nearly immortal.
Once it leaves your home it is not gone.
This unicorn will live out a long life at the local landfill with her fellow trinkets (i.e. The Birthday Party Favor Bag and the Dentist Office Treasure Chest). Those plastic trinkets will take more than 500 years to degrade.
Toys are notoriously hard to recycle. That means nearly every plastic toy ever manufactured now lives in a landfill somewhere. Take a moment to visualize that.
Who’s the boss?
Children cannot be expected to self-regulate the accumulation of stuff. Sure, we can (and should) teach them about the lifespan of a product and where it will go after it leaves our home. We can practice thoughtful decision-making practices when it comes to purchasing goods.
But just like us, they are a work in progress and will struggle to resist the urge to keep.it.all.
Ultimately, as the adults with the fully-developed brains and credit cards, we have to be the ones steering the ship. We need to set boundaries around the stuff we bring into our homes. Children learn through modeling. We must learn how to say no so that our children can see us and learn better ways themselves.
Why does this happen?
I admit it: I get an internal feeling of excitement when the UPS truck pulls into my driveway unexpectedly. “Oh, what could it be?”, I find myself excitedly wondering as I tear into the box like a wild banshee only to find the gummy vitamins I have on bi-monthly auto-shipment.
“New stuff” can act as horse blinders. Our children become laser-focused on the acquisition of new trinkets and unable to see what falls on the periphery: the real gifts. The relationships in our lives are the real gifts.
Our kids cannot see past the stuff. And yes, adults struggle with this too.
What lights them up?
The strong surge of dopamine associated with new stuff and wrapped gifts will nearly always trump the gentler oxytocin spikes enveloped in a long embrace from Grandma. The Laughter. The Cuddling. The Eye Contact. The Human Touch. If we want our children to focus on the real gifts, we must take off the horse blinders.
Occasional, thoughtful gifts are one thing, but we have to cut back on the constant onslaught of junk.
When I returned home from this trip, my daughter was running to me for a hug and kiss because she loves me and looked forward to my return. I am the gift. Our relationship is the gift. The minute I start stuffing my suitcase full of trinkets is the minute she starts running to my suitcase instead of my arms.
Call me selfish, but I’m not willing to share my affection with a plastic unicorn headband.
If we want children to value relationships over stuff, we have to be intentional about the way we bring it into their lives. The way we buy will teach. I beg you, for the good of your children and this planet, please stop buying plastic crap.
***
Denaye’s new book Simple Happy Parenting is now available. She is the voice behind Simple Families, a podcast, blog and community for parents. She has a Ph.D. in Child Development and has spent her career supporting families to more harmonious lives with young children.
Shelley says
What an excellent article. Thank you. The story, and the urge to obtain an object to extend or represent a feeling are so relatable. I love the concept that we are the gifts to one another – so simple, so true and so good for us, our children and the impacted world in which we live.
JL says
I’ve always hated those plastic goody bags full of really cheap junk. When my children have had birthday parties, I’ve tried to send home a few higher quality, more useful, or consumable things. At one party we had themed cups that were used for the party itself and then they were sent home with each child filled with a small amount of candy. We’re still using that cup years later. When my daughter wanted an emoji themed party, I got yellow cloth, stuffing, and black felt. The party activity was a craft where each girl made an emoji pillow. That was 3 years ago and my daughter and several of her friends still have the pillow in their rooms. Another time, when all the guests were dancers/gymnasts, they each used stencils of a dancer/gymnast and their name to paint on a small tote bag. We’re still using resources, but at least the items are used as both and activity and something to take home that may last more than one hour after the party.
UmSami says
My son’s last birthday, all I did was buy a whole bunch of full-sized candy bars, and I taped 3 of them together with a thank you for coming note on top. Kids LOVED just getting big candy bars, parents loved not having crap, and it was easy for me to do as the party host!
Taylor says
Thank you for writing this. I’m not a parent but I die at all the baby showers and kid parties looking at all the crap that’s headed to the landfill most likely by next week or in 6 months. Let’s keep this conversation going!
Robin says
Excellent article. Most of it is just junk.
Valerie Rogers says
It’s that momentary rush the kid gets from opening the package of a bright, new trinket that sets up an addiction. The giver also gets a thrill in seeing that – however fleeting – reaction. Neither of it is true joy. We have an overwhelming trash problem folks.
Jacqueline Smith says
I’m reminded of traveling with my family. My mom wrapped almost averything the kids would touch. Books to read, snacks, clothes for the beach, etc. It does use some paper, but it made every transition exciting, and even with our own toys and books, it was always fun to find out what Mom had packed.
As I raised my kids, I followed the same tradition for plane trips. Every snack, book, magazine (puzzle books rock) and other diversionary item was wrapped, usually in old Sunday funnies.
Wonderful memories.
Susan Vogt says
Denaye (and Joshua), What a “priceless” blog entry. I’ve been thinking and blogging about simple lifestyle, and especially consumerism with kids for 40 years (since our first child was born) and this is a worthy sequel for folks who are currently in the active parenting stage of life. I wonder how relevant my 2002 book (Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference) or my 2013 book (Blessed By Less) would be to this generation. I think the concepts are universal and timeless, but the need has grown greater. Thank you for your excellent contribution to this body of work.
Lynny says
~TSA will allow sand, but it takes a few extra minutes (5-10) as they test it. I bring home sand from every beach I touch.
Jordan Collier says
Great article, Denaye! Congrats on all your recent success.
Sarah says
So true. I’d rather give children an experience of reading a book together, or enjoying a nature walk, and just collecting a shell from a beach or a special stone.
In addition to not wanting to buy plastic stuff for my grandchildren, I also send the following prayer to the retail outlets; ” Please stop selling this rubbish”, and to the manufacturers; “Please stop wasting our precious resources and spoiling our planet by making this plastic stuff”.
Lets spread the word
Janet says
I’ve been struggling with this for years. I quit doing goody bags for my kids’ birthday parties in recent years, not to be stingy, but because I didn’t want to send home any unnecessary junk (plastic or candy) to anyone’s homes. On my last trip to my favorite theme park, I had to really restrain myself from buying the cute decorated stuff or other specialty items (and tshirts) that I’ve purchased in the past. I did make purchases, but it was the photo frame to add to my theme bathroom commemorating our trip, the photo album to keep pics, and some tastefully decorated kitchen items that we will use (including dishes that I’ve wanted for years and we were needing to replace dishes from when we got married 26 years ago due to breakage over the years).
Now if I can stay off of Amazon……
Megan says
Amen! I love this. I feel guilty for all the years I didn’t abide by this rule but now I bring always bring my girls home a small piece of art. It typically slides right into the book I’m reading and supports a local artist.