“Envy is ever joined with the comparing of a man’s self; and where there is no comparison, no envy.” —Sir Francis Bacon
Most of us understand the foolishness of trying to compare ourselves to others. We would readily admit that no good ever comes from it.
Yet, whether we are comparing our home size, paycheck, physical features, or any number of measurable (and even unmeasurable) things, we do it all the time. But there are inherent problems:
1. We most often compare the wrong things. Because we can most easily compare the things that we can objectively measure, we live in a world that is great at measuring and comparing externals. Somewhere along the way, we decided that we could determine who is living a more valuable life by comparing clothes, cars, homes, paychecks, beauty, or Twitter followers. But externals are rarely a good measure. Net-worth has never been a good indicator of self-worth.
2. We always compare our worst with their best. Comparing your life with others is always a losing proposition because there will always be people who “appear” to be better off than you and seemingly live the perfect life. After all, we always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions that we make about others. Be advised, their life is never as perfect as your mind makes it out to be.
3. There is no end to the comparison game. There is an infinite number of categories upon which you can compare yourself… and an almost infinite number of people to compare yourself to. Once you start down that road, you will never, ever find an end.
4. Life isn’t graded on a curve. How you measure up against others holds absolutely no importance in your life anyway. It simply makes no difference. The goal of life is not to be better than 50% of the other people on the planet. The goal of life is to be the best you that you can possibly be.
5. Comparison puts your focus on the wrong person. You can control one life – yours. When we consistently compare ourselves to others, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our own.
6. Comparison robs you of joy. Comparing yourself to others will always cause you to regret what you aren’t, rather than allow you to enjoy life as who you are. It will always steal the joy and happiness that is within your reach… and place it just outside of your reach instead.
Many a contented life has been stolen by the unhealthy habit of comparing ourselves to others. Comparing ourselves to others will always rob us of gratitude, joy, and fulfillment.
But even more than than, it prevents us from fully living our lives. It calls us to envy someone else’s life and seek theirs rather than ours. It robs us of our most precious possession: life itself. And while the temptation to compare may never be completely eliminated, there are certainly some practical steps that we can take to move past it.
How can we stop comparing ourselves to others? Here are some helpful steps:
1. Recognize the inherent problems in comparing yourself to another. Take a good look at the list above. Why would we want any habit in our life that promotes feelings of inferiority? Or consistently promotes envy, competition, and strife with no end in sight? Sometimes, just a reminder of the foolishness contained in the habit is the most important step in overcoming it.
2. Celebrate who you are. There are many wonderful things about your life. You are an artist… or a businessman… or a mother… or a good listener… or a generous soul. You have much to celebrate and are entirely unique. Any comparison between you and another person is like comparing apples to oranges. They aren’t living your life, you are. Therefore, you should expect the results to be completely different.
3. Focus inward. Value generosity, humility, goodness, kindness, and love. Begin to focus on developing the inward qualities of a simplified life and the externals will lose their beauty. And the quicker we find beauty on the inside, the sooner we’ll stop comparing things on the outside (skin-deep beauty, paychecks, or power).
4. Realize life is not a competition. There may be times when competition is appropriate, but life is not one of them. We have all been thrown together at this exact moment on this exact planet. And the sooner we stop competing against others to “win,” the faster we can start working together to figure it out.
5. Remember that nobody is perfect. We live in a society that glamorizes perfection. Consider that magazine racks are full of models and celebrities with perfect faces telling one-sided stories of great triumph and fulfillment. One important step to avoiding the lure of comparison is to remember that one snapshot in time never tells the whole story. The story is never told of the hours in a make-up room or the photo editing technique to cover the blemishes. The story is rarely told of their insecurities or failures (except to mention how they overcame them). That story doesn’t sell nearly as many magazines. But the truth remains: there are no perfect people – including you and including me.
6. Live as intentional as possible. Too many people live their lives without intentionality or thought. They rarely find a quiet moment to sit in meditation or solitude and examine their life – who they are and who they are becoming. As a result, lives are lived as a reaction to the events around them. But when a life is lived intentionally and thoughtfully, the comparison game becomes less attractive.
As humans, it is in our nature to compare ourselves to others. But nothing good ever comes from it. So let’s stop comparing ourselves to others. We were not born to live their life. There is no sense wasting our life (or energy) being jealous of theirs. Instead, let’s start living our lives. Let’s determine today to be good at it. After all, we only get one shot.
For more advice, check out our helpful guide on how to stop comparing yourself to others and how to stop being jealous.
Maria says
Great post! I’ve been trying to remind myself of both the dangers and futility of comparing my life to others lately, so this post came at a great time for me.
Thank You!
Tony says
You hit on some points that have been dealing with my whole life. Thank you for reminding me to wake up and pay attention.
Kristy Powell says
What a post to re-center by. I think we can all use more of this, nearly all of the time. Personally, I struggle with celebrating me. Thanks for the encouragement, Joshua.
Debbie says
Loved this! After playing the comparison game for many years, I know full well that it robs one of living a full life. I had never seen it from the perspective of comparing our worst with someone else’s best (or what we assume is their best). Life is too short to waste on thinking that others are better than us, or that we don’t measure up. We only have one life, and no-one wins when the comparison game is played.
Living the Balanced Life says
Awesome post Joshua! I love the points you made, especially how our goal is not to be better than 50% of the world, but to be the best me I can possibly be. I love this because this is what I feel my calling is, to help people become the best possible “me” they can be.
I saw on a sign once, “If you think their grass is greener, be glad you don’t have to pay their water bill!”
Bernice
Is it time to sharpen your saw?
RadiomomRhetoric says
Thanks for a beautiful post. The more we focus inward, the kinder we become outward. I loved it.
anonymous says
Great reminder. And downward comparisons are just as bad as upward ones!
David | Listen Feel Breathe says
HI Joshua,
I really enjoyed reading this post- from experience I can agree with you that living more intentionally and with more purpose and mindfulness does help to limit the amount that I compare my efforts and my life with what others have achieved and can do.
Also accepting that I am not perfect and that no-one is, helps to take some of the pressure off, which allows me to enjoy life more with the knowledge that I am doing the best that I can do.
Joshua | The Minimalists says
All six of your points are spot on and the sixth one sums it up well (viz. by comparing we rob ourselves of joy). There are certain pernicious aspects of our heavily mediated culture that condition us—program us without us know it—to feel this way, to always compare, to always want what he or she has. And you’re right, the desire doesn’t end. It’s never enough, until we decide it’s enough.
It’s funny. I wrote an essay called “Stop Living a Lie; Start Living the Life,” which appeared on Julien Smith’s site last month. It shared some of the same view points (although it was utterly different and was more autobiographical).
Ravi Gupta says
You make excellent points. The saying “the grass is always greener on the other side” springs to mind. In the end all you can do is live your life and do the best that you can to meet your goals. You can’t take wealth or anything else with you, no point in achieving something that you’ll eventually lose.
-Ravi Gupta
pauline glancey says
i really agree with you seek the iner you the person you really are