“Envy is ever joined with the comparing of a man’s self; and where there is no comparison, no envy.” —Sir Francis Bacon
Most of us understand the foolishness of trying to compare ourselves to others. We would readily admit that no good ever comes from it.
Yet, whether we are comparing our home size, paycheck, physical features, or any number of measurable (and even unmeasurable) things, we do it all the time. But there are inherent problems:
1. We most often compare the wrong things. Because we can most easily compare the things that we can objectively measure, we live in a world that is great at measuring and comparing externals. Somewhere along the way, we decided that we could determine who is living a more valuable life by comparing clothes, cars, homes, paychecks, beauty, or Twitter followers. But externals are rarely a good measure. Net-worth has never been a good indicator of self-worth.
2. We always compare our worst with their best. Comparing your life with others is always a losing proposition because there will always be people who “appear” to be better off than you and seemingly live the perfect life. After all, we always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions that we make about others. Be advised, their life is never as perfect as your mind makes it out to be.
3. There is no end to the comparison game. There is an infinite number of categories upon which you can compare yourself… and an almost infinite number of people to compare yourself to. Once you start down that road, you will never, ever find an end.
4. Life isn’t graded on a curve. How you measure up against others holds absolutely no importance in your life anyway. It simply makes no difference. The goal of life is not to be better than 50% of the other people on the planet. The goal of life is to be the best you that you can possibly be.
5. Comparison puts your focus on the wrong person. You can control one life – yours. When we consistently compare ourselves to others, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our own.
6. Comparison robs you of joy. Comparing yourself to others will always cause you to regret what you aren’t, rather than allow you to enjoy life as who you are. It will always steal the joy and happiness that is within your reach… and place it just outside of your reach instead.
Many a contented life has been stolen by the unhealthy habit of comparing ourselves to others. Comparing ourselves to others will always rob us of gratitude, joy, and fulfillment.
But even more than than, it prevents us from fully living our lives. It calls us to envy someone else’s life and seek theirs rather than ours. It robs us of our most precious possession: life itself. And while the temptation to compare may never be completely eliminated, there are certainly some practical steps that we can take to move past it.
How can we stop comparing ourselves to others? Here are some helpful steps:
1. Recognize the inherent problems in comparing yourself to another. Take a good look at the list above. Why would we want any habit in our life that promotes feelings of inferiority? Or consistently promotes envy, competition, and strife with no end in sight? Sometimes, just a reminder of the foolishness contained in the habit is the most important step in overcoming it.
2. Celebrate who you are. There are many wonderful things about your life. You are an artist… or a businessman… or a mother… or a good listener… or a generous soul. You have much to celebrate and are entirely unique. Any comparison between you and another person is like comparing apples to oranges. They aren’t living your life, you are. Therefore, you should expect the results to be completely different.
3. Focus inward. Value generosity, humility, goodness, kindness, and love. Begin to focus on developing the inward qualities of a simplified life and the externals will lose their beauty. And the quicker we find beauty on the inside, the sooner we’ll stop comparing things on the outside (skin-deep beauty, paychecks, or power).
4. Realize life is not a competition. There may be times when competition is appropriate, but life is not one of them. We have all been thrown together at this exact moment on this exact planet. And the sooner we stop competing against others to “win,” the faster we can start working together to figure it out.
5. Remember that nobody is perfect. We live in a society that glamorizes perfection. Consider that magazine racks are full of models and celebrities with perfect faces telling one-sided stories of great triumph and fulfillment. One important step to avoiding the lure of comparison is to remember that one snapshot in time never tells the whole story. The story is never told of the hours in a make-up room or the photo editing technique to cover the blemishes. The story is rarely told of their insecurities or failures (except to mention how they overcame them). That story doesn’t sell nearly as many magazines. But the truth remains: there are no perfect people – including you and including me.
6. Live as intentional as possible. Too many people live their lives without intentionality or thought. They rarely find a quiet moment to sit in meditation or solitude and examine their life – who they are and who they are becoming. As a result, lives are lived as a reaction to the events around them. But when a life is lived intentionally and thoughtfully, the comparison game becomes less attractive.
As humans, it is in our nature to compare ourselves to others. But nothing good ever comes from it. So let’s stop comparing ourselves to others. We were not born to live their life. There is no sense wasting our life (or energy) being jealous of theirs. Instead, let’s start living our lives. Let’s determine today to be good at it. After all, we only get one shot.
For more advice, check out our helpful guide on how to stop comparing yourself to others and how to stop being jealous.
Brett says
Great post!!
One of my favorite sayings is ” If you think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, maybe you should start fertilizing and watering right where you stand”.
zzdianas says
Comparison is an evolutionary imperative. Its purpose is to keep us safe; that is, alive.
We use it to identify & attach to the ‘right’ (in terms of survival) person/group.
It’s a useful tool to check how we behave within that group compared to other members. We want to be invited/allowed to stay if its a group we prefer to be in.
Where modern humans get it wrong, is that we get caught up extrinsic qualifiers such as: looks, things, credit cards, envy, competition, consumption, starlets and gurus; rather than intrinsic observations like: ‘who am I, who’s worthy of my attention, conservation, how do I sit in the world, delaying immediate gratification in favor of earned satisfaction, how do my actions impact on others etc.
Comparison, and subsequent judgement of of yourself against others is about you: how you see yourself; how you ‘fit’, how you behave; what you have accomplished. Comparison is NEVER about the other.
HOW you USE comparison is the measure of you as a person – your character, your personality, your values. Comparison simply IS.
Joe says
What if I feel better about myself and my lot in life AFTER comparing myself to others?
Casey says
Thank you for these words. It is easy to read and harder to live but regardless I am grateful for reading this and as somene in the grip of depression, it gives me some light! I appreciate you and this writing.
Elizabeth_Sol says
I was also on the tight line to depression. Thanks for everything. It brought me back to myself.
Pierre says
Kinda hippy but kinda acurate for the most part. I recently moved to a remote (ish) island (for work) and am gradually dumping material goods. It feels very good.
Anum says
Thank you for this. Really needed to hear it.
Kent Julian says
Amazing post…and so true!
REAL success does not come about via comparison. Instead, it is the result of intentionally discovering who you are, what you value, and what you want your life to be about, then proactively turning that image into reality.
Michelle Bross says
Comparing is just fear by another name. Check out my article on all the excuses we use to keep us from living an authentic life. http://www.mychildsgardener.com/1219/stop-excusing-yourself-start-living-a-real-life/
Joanne says
Actually it’s incorrect that nothing good ever comes out of social comparison. How about society & civilization? It’s easy to say “simplify” while sitting in a comfy chair typing away from a laptop… and yes, self-conscious emotions and social comparison sometime make us feel bad, but let’s not ignore their benefits. These are good social monitors, inbuilt in our brains, that help us conform to the societal norms, and while this is not necessarily fun for the individual because it takes away personal freedom, it is good for society. It’s in fact the only reason we have come to evolve as a complex society. If no one conformed, if no one tried more, we would have no progress. Maybe the scientist who stays in her lab till 3am is not happy, because she doesn’t have as many publications as her boss, but in her social comparison frenzy, she has discovered a new vaccine. So before trashing our inbuilt social brains, which have proven pretty adaptive till now, let’s consider what life would be without a society and without social comparison. If you were ready to give away your comfy chair and laptop, then maybe I would trust your post more, but then there wouldn’t be a post, would it?
Audrey says
Obviously you don’t read his posts regularly or you would see how off base you are about this. But then again he doesn’t need anyone to defend him.
Joseph Ratliff says
I will offer some thoughts in response to Joanne’s comment.
What if we evolved as a species past the need to “compare” ourselves to others? What if the need to compare ourselves was actually a step back?
“Conforming to societal norms” … who dictates what “norms” are right for everyone to conform to?
If you constantly seek to conform, how do you improve?
Instead, shouldn’t we be exploring our inner selves (as Joshua pointed out) and strive to be the best self we can be? Tough to do if you’re comparing yourself to others all the time.
Then we can be stronger for those who “want” or “need” our help in their own journey to become better humans.
Finally, I’d rather own my life, and live my life, rather than waste it comparing myself to others who are living “their” own.
Jeevan D'Souza says
Joanne,
Discovery, creativity, innovation and insight can be driven from two places – healthy and unhealthy. The unhealthy drive is competition, low self esteem, and envy. The healthy drive is self-actualization, true curiosity, and free association. I believe the goal of every human being must be to overcome the “natural” unhealthy drive and move towards the “unnatural” healthy drive. This is the only thing that can save us in our modern world today. I strongly believe in Abraham Maslow’s concept of Self-actualization.
Filipa says
I couldn’t have read this post in a better day. I needed it and it says it all.
Thanks! :)