“Envy is ever joined with the comparing of a man’s self; and where there is no comparison, no envy.” —Sir Francis Bacon
Most of us understand the foolishness of trying to compare ourselves to others. We would readily admit that no good ever comes from it.
Yet, whether we are comparing our home size, paycheck, physical features, or any number of measurable (and even unmeasurable) things, we do it all the time. But there are inherent problems:
1. We most often compare the wrong things. Because we can most easily compare the things that we can objectively measure, we live in a world that is great at measuring and comparing externals. Somewhere along the way, we decided that we could determine who is living a more valuable life by comparing clothes, cars, homes, paychecks, beauty, or Twitter followers. But externals are rarely a good measure. Net-worth has never been a good indicator of self-worth.
2. We always compare our worst with their best. Comparing your life with others is always a losing proposition because there will always be people who “appear” to be better off than you and seemingly live the perfect life. After all, we always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions that we make about others. Be advised, their life is never as perfect as your mind makes it out to be.
3. There is no end to the comparison game. There is an infinite number of categories upon which you can compare yourself… and an almost infinite number of people to compare yourself to. Once you start down that road, you will never, ever find an end.
4. Life isn’t graded on a curve. How you measure up against others holds absolutely no importance in your life anyway. It simply makes no difference. The goal of life is not to be better than 50% of the other people on the planet. The goal of life is to be the best you that you can possibly be.
5. Comparison puts your focus on the wrong person. You can control one life – yours. When we consistently compare ourselves to others, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our own.
6. Comparison robs you of joy. Comparing yourself to others will always cause you to regret what you aren’t, rather than allow you to enjoy life as who you are. It will always steal the joy and happiness that is within your reach… and place it just outside of your reach instead.
Many a contented life has been stolen by the unhealthy habit of comparing ourselves to others. Comparing ourselves to others will always rob us of gratitude, joy, and fulfillment.
But even more than than, it prevents us from fully living our lives. It calls us to envy someone else’s life and seek theirs rather than ours. It robs us of our most precious possession: life itself. And while the temptation to compare may never be completely eliminated, there are certainly some practical steps that we can take to move past it.
How can we stop comparing ourselves to others? Here are some helpful steps:
1. Recognize the inherent problems in comparing yourself to another. Take a good look at the list above. Why would we want any habit in our life that promotes feelings of inferiority? Or consistently promotes envy, competition, and strife with no end in sight? Sometimes, just a reminder of the foolishness contained in the habit is the most important step in overcoming it.
2. Celebrate who you are. There are many wonderful things about your life. You are an artist… or a businessman… or a mother… or a good listener… or a generous soul. You have much to celebrate and are entirely unique. Any comparison between you and another person is like comparing apples to oranges. They aren’t living your life, you are. Therefore, you should expect the results to be completely different.
3. Focus inward. Value generosity, humility, goodness, kindness, and love. Begin to focus on developing the inward qualities of a simplified life and the externals will lose their beauty. And the quicker we find beauty on the inside, the sooner we’ll stop comparing things on the outside (skin-deep beauty, paychecks, or power).
4. Realize life is not a competition. There may be times when competition is appropriate, but life is not one of them. We have all been thrown together at this exact moment on this exact planet. And the sooner we stop competing against others to “win,” the faster we can start working together to figure it out.
5. Remember that nobody is perfect. We live in a society that glamorizes perfection. Consider that magazine racks are full of models and celebrities with perfect faces telling one-sided stories of great triumph and fulfillment. One important step to avoiding the lure of comparison is to remember that one snapshot in time never tells the whole story. The story is never told of the hours in a make-up room or the photo editing technique to cover the blemishes. The story is rarely told of their insecurities or failures (except to mention how they overcame them). That story doesn’t sell nearly as many magazines. But the truth remains: there are no perfect people – including you and including me.
6. Live as intentional as possible. Too many people live their lives without intentionality or thought. They rarely find a quiet moment to sit in meditation or solitude and examine their life – who they are and who they are becoming. As a result, lives are lived as a reaction to the events around them. But when a life is lived intentionally and thoughtfully, the comparison game becomes less attractive.
As humans, it is in our nature to compare ourselves to others. But nothing good ever comes from it. So let’s stop comparing ourselves to others. We were not born to live their life. There is no sense wasting our life (or energy) being jealous of theirs. Instead, let’s start living our lives. Let’s determine today to be good at it. After all, we only get one shot.
For more advice, check out our helpful guide on how to stop comparing yourself to others and how to stop being jealous.
terri says
I needed to hear these words today……..Thank you
Laura E. says
In short, the grass is green where you water it. Spend a lot of time standing on the fence and looking at your neighbor’s yard only leads to neglect of your own. Of course for me personally, this is a lot easier said than done. You have to make a conscious effort.
Johanna says
It so funny that I stumbled upon this post today!
I have just started a blog for the same reason that you did, to keep track of my journey towards a new life and maybe to help someone else in the process. I´m not exactly writing about minimizing, but very close, about simplifying life. I feel that minimizing is a great part of simplifying :) I just wrote a post, one of my first, exactly about this, about not comparing your life to others because it takes away focus from yourself! How come it´s so easy in theory and so hard in practice?
Sherri says
This is such a challenge for me, even though I work in mental health. I’m constantly battling against comparing myself to others (I’m on the losing end because I make so much less money than all of our friends) and I’m always ccomparing my life against what I think it should be. It’s a miserable and depressing cycle that is so hard to break even though I have all of the tools and knowledge to do so.
Tracey says
More impressive if the models in the illustration weren’t young and gorgeous, no? How about some crooked teeth? A slightly frayed collar? Un-plucked eyebrows? A natural armpit? Bingo wings? With whom are we supposed to think that these two might have compared themselves and found deficiencies? Find two of your mates who’ve shunned fashion, drive a battered car, cut eachother’s naturally grey hair. Take a picture of them and replace the stereo-typical carefree wealthy healthy relaxed models illustrating this piece.
Kit-Kat says
Completely true, especially since it is being used as the visual hook for the article – It completely goes against the message this article is presenting and feeds into the way the media shapes our vision of ourselves and those around us. Why can’t the picture be two completely average looking people who are simply healthy and happy looking? Also, the photo is, of course, a picture of white people – I am white but I can see the white privelege written all over this – white is somehow equivalent to being happy, healthy, content and good at being a person.
It is upsetting to me, because the words of the article are, generally, quite accurate and are trying to illustrate a valuable and hard-to-learn life lesson. I do, however, agree that it is not comparing ourselves to others that is the issue, but it is when we do it without context and apply the information to our lives poorly. There are certain behaviours in people that are worth emulating and others that aren’t – we need to look at the actions of others in context, evaluate what resonates with our vision for ourselves and internalize that information to be used accordingly.
Kit-Kat says
Completely true, especially since it is being used as the visual hook for the article – It completely goes against the message this article is presenting and feeds into the way the media shapes our vision of ourselves and those around us. Why can’t the picture be two completely average looking people who are simply healthy and happy looking? Also, the photo is, of course, a picture of white people – I am white but I can see the white privelege written all over this – white is somehow equivalent to being happy, healthy, content and good at being a person.
It is upsetting to me, because the words of the article are, generally, quite accurate and are trying to illustrate a valuable and hard-to-learn life lesson. I do, however, agree that it is not comparing ourselves to others that is the issue, but it is when we do it without context and apply the information to our lives poorly. There are certain behaviours in people that are worth emulating and others that aren’t – we need to look at the actions of others in context, evaluate what resonates with our vision for ourselves and internalize that information to be used accordingly.
And, of course, never compare your possesions and belongings to someone elses. This feeds into the white privelege thing; however, its more of a socio-economic issue at this point that still happens to have a huge race inequality issue built into it.
TL/DR: Never comapre possensions – compare personality traits and behaviours with caution and apply what resonates to your life. Check your white and socio-economic privelege.
Live with compassion and humility directed towards everyone, including yourself.
Vivienne says
I think we make positive comparisons and negative ones, the trick is to dump the type of comparing that gets us nowhere. The comparing that becomes a competition to beat out someone else or to prove yourself better than someone else. The comparing that initializes the chase for greed and power also falls into the negative category. We all have role models that we aspire to and we compare our behavior to those role models, sometimes this results in positive change. So maybe the act of comparing is not as deadly as it may first seem, its just what we do with those thoughts and feelings that is important.
Lara Mealor says
I LOVE this… Comparing us such a deadly trap. Especially for women. Comparing our bodies to others, such a foolish idea when you think of it. I hope I can break the cycle for my 2 yr old daughter. Thank you!
Victor says
Actually, comparing is deadly trap for men and women. I would say that men, in many ways, have it worse. That is one of the main reasons it is so difficult for men to be vulnerable with other men and with women since the feeling of being judged and not measuring up is always a realty for men. While not spoken of much in the media – because most men don’t want to admit it and talk about it even – it is a very well preserved secret. Both men and women can learn a lot by spending quality time meditating without self-judgment on their motives – what is the real reason I am doing these things. We can each learn a lot. Good luck
Susanne Hansen says
Beautifully written article! I especially resonate with the part about the road of comparison has no end. This is so true and it also keeps our attention diverted from the things that are the most meaningful to us. In fact, the game of comparison clutters up our minds in a way that we have to spend significant mental resources to really tap into who we truly are and what is most important in our lives. Your blog rocks!!
Lots of love!
Bonnie says
Great post! I would love to re-post this on my blog, http://www.guidetoafabulouslife.com , if you wouldn’t mind. Like another commenter, I now try to use Facebook as a tool to share articles and follow inspirational people & websites like yours instead of as a means to compare my life with others. Too exhausting!
Kuwanna says
This sums up my past experience with Facebook and why I quit and came back several times…I get teased about it but I know in my head why I was suffering and stand by my decision to delete my accounts back then and take a break. Thankfully I finally learned how to make it a useful tool to stay in touch with close friends and family, and also follow blogs and sites I enjoy (like yours!). But I no longer feel envious when I see the pretty images and picturesque lives of others…nor do I post excessively as to give others that same false impression of my own life. Thank you for your post.
Mavie says
Oh.. thank you so much for sharing
I thought that I am the only person who has this problem.