“My kids have too much stuff.”
It is a complaint I have heard from parents countless times. And it’s certainly not a complaint entirely unwarranted.
The statistics would seem to back up the argument:
- British research found that the average 10-year-old owns 238 toys but plays with just 12 daily (The Telegraph).
- 3.1% of the world’s children live in America, but they own 40% of the toys consumed globally (UCLA).
- In the United States, we spend $371 per child annually on toys. In the UK, the dollar amount is closer to $450 (World Atlas).
So I get it, our kids have stuff. Probably too much. But I think, as parents, we too often put the blame for this reality on the wrong person.
Our kids do have lots of toys and clothes and video games and crafts. But let’s remember, they aren’t the ones with the steady paychecks and they didn’t organize their last birthday party.
If there are too many toys in your playroom, you put them there—or, at the very least, you allowed them to stay.
Even worse, often times, our kids are simply following our lead. When the average American home contains 300,000 items, how upset can we really get that our kids own 238 toys? And when 33% of us can’t fit both cars in our double-garages, how unreasonable is it to assume our child will fill their art and craft drawer to overflowing?
In a society that encourages consumerism at every turn, what else should we expect? Our children are only following our lead.
But this is not just a societal issue, it’s a personal one as well.
I sometimes wonder what the three most common words are in American homes. Is it “I love you?” Or, is it…
- “It’s on sale!”
- “I want that!”
- “Watch this ad.”
- Or “Let’s go shopping!”
Haven’t we all witnessed (and/or experienced) the parent who gets upset with their child at the store?
A weary mother or father pushes their child around a store while the boy or girl almost obligatorily reaches for items on the shelves—asking, and then demanding, this or that.
After repeated answers of “No,” the frustration begins to grow. Finally, the parent puts their foot down in the situation. And the child responds with their own expression of frustration and anger. It’s certainly not a rare occurrence.
A wise parent once told me, “It’s a good sign to see a child throwing a fit in a store. Usually it means the parent is being the responsible one and not just giving in to every desire of the child.” And I agree, boundaries are helpful for children.
In fact, children who do not learn boundaries become adults who do not define them.
But I would like to argue today, that as parents, maybe we are getting mad at the wrong person. Rather than pointing out the unbecoming nature of our child’s behavior, maybe we should start looking at the fingers pointing back at us.
Almost certainly, our child did not drive to Target on their own. Our kids are in the store because we took them there—usually because we wanted (or “needed”) to buy something for ourselves or our family. And this is what you do in a store, isn’t it? You grab things off the shelf, you put them in your cart, and then you take them home.
No wonder our kids ask us to buy them stuff at the store… they’ve seen us buy things for ourselves a thousand times before.
Granted, there are legitimate reasons to go shopping. I’m not arguing against all consumption.
But we ought to remember that our children are watching us closely. Whether we like it or not, they are soaking up values from us as parents about how to live, how to work, how to achieve significance… and how to spend money. And if we are constantly desiring things we don’t need, why would we expect anything else from our kids?
Maybe we should stop getting mad at them for wanting things at Target… and start questioning if we really needed to be there in the first place.
Andrea says
Excellent article, well written and very true!
Angela says
I hope this doesn’t make me seem like some sort of a goody, goody. I was far from that.
As a child (born 1954) we would be in our town to get the groceries, Mum would very occasionally ask if I would like a little something.
I always replied ‘no thank you’. One day another Mum was complaining to my Mum that kids are always whining for stuff. My Mum told her how I never wanted anything. I can still see the look on that woman’s face as she scrutinised me.
I’m still much the same.
Great post.
Angela
Meyli says
I wonder if your mother’s question was very wise. It gave you a powerful choice – and you chose no! Often, that is all children want – the opportunity to make a choice.
Carolyn says
I agree that parents are to blame for issues like this. However, I take exception to the unscientific statistic quoted that the average household has 300,000 items. From what I can research that was a number quoted by Professional Organizer Regina Lark in a LA Times article from 2014. There was no scientific data to back it up, it’s her personal experience and a guesstimate.
“Consider these statistics cited by professional organizer Regina Lark: The average U.S. household has 300,000 things, from paper clips to ironing boards. U.S. children make up 3.7% of children on the planet but have 47% of all toys and children’s books.”
http://articles.latimes.com/2014/mar/21/health/la-he-keeping-stuff-20140322
Maureen@ADebtFreeStressFreeLife says
Absolutely we’re mad at the wrong person! We teach our children at every turn about commercialism and consumerism.
But what parents need to start realizing is that they desire to give their children EVERYTHING they ask for is usually fueled by guilt. I wrote about this very issue in a recent post but here’s the most important part of it.
“]=We are a society of parents filled with guilt. The guilt you have because you have to go to work every day. Guilt you’re leaving your child in daycare or with a babysitter. Guilt you’re getting a divorce and breaking up the family. Guilt you’re not spending enough time with your child. Guilt you can’t be a school chaperone because you have to work. Guilt you tossed their artwork. Guilt you don’t make cookies every day after school.
Guilt, that your child, is a latchkey kid.
The guilt list is endless because it’s born of our insecurities, our lack of confidence, and our needs instead of the needs of our child. Guilt motivates us to do things, which if we stopped and reflected on what was going on at the moment, we would make a different choice. Instead, we allow our guilt to spawn our shopping frenzy’s so we don’t feel so bad, and our kids don’t feel so deprived. But your child does not need an endless amount of toys. Your child needs you.”
As always a great post.
Maria says
Thank you for your response. I am a stay at home mom and spend most of the time with my 3 year old son both at home and outside of home kids experiences. Now society has come to a point that I’m being judge because my kid doesn’t go to daycare/preschool trying to make me feel guilty about spending too much time with him.
Angela says
Fantastic article! My boys have now asked to see our shopping list and make I am sticking to it! If I’m not and we linger in the store my 11 yr old son will inform me that he’s getting “store sick” and that we must leave immediately.
Tessa says
I like your son’s mentality, Angela. If only all kids are that way, parents won’t have to go bankrupt trying to pease or quail a child’s tantrum. But I still strongly believe that if only parents could only learn to muster the power of NO! things will get better.
Karen T. says
Angela, I love it! “Store sick!” And having your child hold you accountable for sticking to the list — that’s great. Thanks for sharing.
Tiffany @ HappyThankfulHopeful says
100% agree that our kids model our own behavior. While our 3 year old knows she won’t always get something when we go out, this article made me reflect on the fact that when we usually take her to Wal-mart or grocery shopping.
I wonder if she misunderstands and observes that my husband/I always buy something (even if it’s communal food for the family) and thinks the rules are mommy/daddy can get stuff but *she* can’t.
While visiting the store less would help reduce temptations of everyone making unnecessary purchases, I also think it’s worthwhile to take children shopping and leave a store having purchased nothing (which I often do, but not with my daughter in tow), and explaining why nothing was purchased (not the right size/quality/etc.).
I think this models restraint and encourages being thoughtful about our purchases vs. mindless consumption or settling for a purchase because it’s there/on sale/impulse.
Ellen says
Hi Joshua,
I really enjoy reading this. Today, I was a little thrown off by several mentions of Target which made me wonder if they were a sponsor. I raised my daughters with minimal manufactured toys, maybe one hour of TV a week and no video games. What few toys or games they had were carefully gleaned grom places such as GoodWill or shared by older kids. They built their own treehouse, , had a sandbox, water, a garden, things to draw and paint with. and time with us together. At six, my youngest, told me her friend was spoiled. When I asked what she meant by spoiled she said..”oh, that’s when your parents give you things instead of love.” Now, in their thirties, they still come up with memorable comments, but then, neither they, nor their children, can be found in the cell phone posture. Keep the great thoughts coming, Joshua.
Pat Griffith (Pat On Purpose) says
At Christmas time when I was a kid, my brother and I got our fair share of presents. But we were lucky in how our parents encouraged us to go about opening them. We would take turns unwrapping presents. After each present, we’d unbox the present and play with it for quite a while before moving on to the next present. The whole process of opening presents took hours.
I always kind of took that for granted that that’s what everybody did. But it’s not. I’ve since seen so many families where everybody tears through every gift as fast as they can, and they all end up disappointed at the end. Before they even are able to appreciate one gift, they’re already moving onto the next.
Judy says
I must share this—as it weighs heavily on me. I am a cashier, and it doesn’t happen too often, but from time to time I see a parent completely lose it with their child—and it’s very disturbing. I recently saw a dad grab his daughter (maybe 4 yrs old) by her chest grabbing on to her coat and SCREAMING at her. It was like something you’d see in a bar fight…the look of fear on this child’s face will haunt me forever. I believe in the power of prayer—and I ask all of you here to please pray for this little girl :( :( :(
Judy says
From the way he talked to her…mocking her and such—it was an ongoing situation this poor little girl has to live with :(
Karen T. says
Judy, I’ll pray for this little girl AND her dad. My own dad was wonderful, and my son-in-law is a loving, marvelous dad. So sorry that not every child has that.
Judy says
Thank you. I have prayed for the dad too.
I was shaking and almost threw up. I almost passed out—it was that bad. I can only imagine how that little girl felt.
I find out that unless he “leaves a mark” there is nothing we could do. But trust me…I’m sure her chest was red from his brutal grip :( :( :(
That afternoon, I texted my son-in-law and randomly thanked him for being such a good daddy.
Angela says
Yes Judy, I will pray for that little girl.
That has made me feel sad. My own Dad was such a wonderful man.
Best wishes,
Angela
Judy says
Thank you.
Becki says
YUP!! Good article. I went to Wal*Mart the other day and honestly spent 2 hours wandering, but only spent $12 on “fun stuff” for the daycare I run. $30 was spent on cat liter (we have 3 fur-babies) & the rest of the $75 was spent on personal care items–shampoo, razors,etc–and some fresh fruit. Must admit shopping for anything, anywhere is NOT my idea of fun but looking at items in a store is! Window shopping & making decisions of need vs want are good brain exercises! ;-)