“My kids have too much stuff.”
It is a complaint I have heard from parents countless times. And it’s certainly not a complaint entirely unwarranted.
The statistics would seem to back up the argument:
- British research found that the average 10-year-old owns 238 toys but plays with just 12 daily (The Telegraph).
- 3.1% of the world’s children live in America, but they own 40% of the toys consumed globally (UCLA).
- In the United States, we spend $371 per child annually on toys. In the UK, the dollar amount is closer to $450 (World Atlas).
So I get it, our kids have stuff. Probably too much. But I think, as parents, we too often put the blame for this reality on the wrong person.
Our kids do have lots of toys and clothes and video games and crafts. But let’s remember, they aren’t the ones with the steady paychecks and they didn’t organize their last birthday party.
If there are too many toys in your playroom, you put them there—or, at the very least, you allowed them to stay.
Even worse, often times, our kids are simply following our lead. When the average American home contains 300,000 items, how upset can we really get that our kids own 238 toys? And when 33% of us can’t fit both cars in our double-garages, how unreasonable is it to assume our child will fill their art and craft drawer to overflowing?
In a society that encourages consumerism at every turn, what else should we expect? Our children are only following our lead.
But this is not just a societal issue, it’s a personal one as well.
I sometimes wonder what the three most common words are in American homes. Is it “I love you?” Or, is it…
- “It’s on sale!”
- “I want that!”
- “Watch this ad.”
- Or “Let’s go shopping!”
Haven’t we all witnessed (and/or experienced) the parent who gets upset with their child at the store?
A weary mother or father pushes their child around a store while the boy or girl almost obligatorily reaches for items on the shelves—asking, and then demanding, this or that.
After repeated answers of “No,” the frustration begins to grow. Finally, the parent puts their foot down in the situation. And the child responds with their own expression of frustration and anger. It’s certainly not a rare occurrence.
A wise parent once told me, “It’s a good sign to see a child throwing a fit in a store. Usually it means the parent is being the responsible one and not just giving in to every desire of the child.” And I agree, boundaries are helpful for children.
In fact, children who do not learn boundaries become adults who do not define them.
But I would like to argue today, that as parents, maybe we are getting mad at the wrong person. Rather than pointing out the unbecoming nature of our child’s behavior, maybe we should start looking at the fingers pointing back at us.
Almost certainly, our child did not drive to Target on their own. Our kids are in the store because we took them there—usually because we wanted (or “needed”) to buy something for ourselves or our family. And this is what you do in a store, isn’t it? You grab things off the shelf, you put them in your cart, and then you take them home.
No wonder our kids ask us to buy them stuff at the store… they’ve seen us buy things for ourselves a thousand times before.
Granted, there are legitimate reasons to go shopping. I’m not arguing against all consumption.
But we ought to remember that our children are watching us closely. Whether we like it or not, they are soaking up values from us as parents about how to live, how to work, how to achieve significance… and how to spend money. And if we are constantly desiring things we don’t need, why would we expect anything else from our kids?
Maybe we should stop getting mad at them for wanting things at Target… and start questioning if we really needed to be there in the first place.
Emma - a simple living journey says
This is a great reminder. Generally I avoid shops unless I really do need something. But recently I have started explaining properly to the kids about what we are going into the shop to buy and then walking directly to that spot and buying only that. The other day I had to go in to buy a large plastic tub to store my cloth nappies, as my littlest has just toilet trained and I’m not *quite* sure of we are done having babies. We went in, bought it and left, then stored the nappies immediately so they saw what we bough being used for what it was intended. No “extras” no detours, no temptations indulged for any of us. I find this is helping my boys very much. They go in with an expectation and it seems to make it easier.
Kellen says
Isn’t Target the one with the homophobic CEOs? Why would people knowingly shop there and support reactionaries. I’ve only been in the Metreon Target one time with a friend. The odor of plastic outgassing was unbearable.
Patricia says
My children are age 7 and 4 and we never had any problems in any store, just because we have not ever bought them toys outside Christmas or birthday. When we go on holiday trip the can have some money to buy one toy each, and it’s a big event for them to choose something for themselves. If they sometimes ask to have something I just say it’s not birthday now and that’s the end of it, there were never any complaints. But when shopping groceries they can choose what kind of bread to have, what yogurt flavor and so on. On Friday we buy candy, and in case they would ask for it on another day the answer will be it’s not Friday, and that’s the end of that.
Judy says
That’s pretty cool!!! :) :) :)
Sonya says
I really enjoyed this article. I got me thinking about something my daughter said around the holidays. We were watching tv and a commercial came on and it asked, “Do you know what the best gift is?” To my surprise my daughter blurted out, “CREDIT CARD!” I couldn’t believe it. But it just hit me…my daughter (6 yrs old) has no concept of Mommy and Daddy’s money. She doesn’t know that we’re using a debit card and that daddy worked his tail off to get it. All she ever sees (and understands as a 6yr old) is that her parents put things they need/want in a shopping cart, swipe this “magic” card, and then take it all home. I need to make a conscious effort to use real dollars…paper money so that she can see it being spent. Debit card are a convenience, but they really do detach and desensitize a person (both the big and the small) to the concept of a hard earned dollar.
Holly says
I definitely agree with this but at the same time, if you buy your child a toy every time they go to the store, they begin to expect it. For us, shopping is mostly for groceries, toiletries, and the occasional clothing item. My toddler son never “wants” or “demands” toys because he knows that I’m the one to say if we buy something or not. I pretty much stick to business while shopping (AKA a List!) and we don’t go in the toy aisle unless I’ve planned to let him pick something. And on the rare occasion that we buy him a toy, he gets to pick only 1 and has to decide which one it’ll be. Today he got a Matchbox car that cost $1. Most times I give him books or snacks and sometimes toys.
Sheryl at Providence Acres says
All so true, unfortunately! Today’s consumer driven lifestye is such a shameful waste, especially when there are so many going without simple necessities in this world! We have become minimalists too and have recently unloadd almost everything we own. We are moving into a new lifestyle and do not plan to reaquire all that stuff!
It’s so liberating to be free!
Tina Dass says
Better still, only visit stores when the kids are at school. Either parent can go, armed with a list of needs (not wants). Buy the stuff n go home. If the kids grow up without visiting stores and the dreaded malls, they are less likely to becone obsessed with acquiring stuff as a recreational pursuit. Also, open bank accounts for each child. Deposit cash for their birthdays and give them a choice as to whether or not they want to see their money grow or spend it on something they may not appreciate later. I have done this with both my daughters, since they were born. They are both avid savers and they never buy something unless they really need it and yet they are teenagers ! They prefer to spend their money on travelling abroad but are quick to build up their savings again by working during their holidays. Teach kids how to save because no one needs to be taught how to spend. It’s in their best interests after all.
Patty says
We were very fortunate when raising our children, 1) because we lived 21 miles from a small town and only shopped once a month, 2) I never went in a store unless I actually needed something from that store, so none of us were tempted by impulse buys, 3) we gave up television very early on and the kids were unaware of all the new toys, cereals, etc, 4) the very first time any one of them pulled a ‘buy me’ fit, we left the store and went to the car for a time out.
When my younger boys were 3 and 5 we went grocery shopping with a neighbor lady and her two little ones because she didn’t have a car and needed a ride. All through the store you could hear her two crying for candy, cookies, toys, soda pop, and her yelling no no no at the same time she loaded what they begged for into the cart. After we dropped them off at their house the conversation in the backseat of the car went like this: Son 1, “well that was embarrassing!” Son 2, “Boy, we’d be in trouble if we tried that!” Mom, ” yes, you would, and I’m so glad you are better behaved than that.”
Kate @ Cohesive Home says
We regularly talk to our kids about why we don’t compulsively go shopping and buy stuff other than what we truly need. But instead of making it seem like deprivation, we focus on how living simply helps us fulfill our values as a family and allow us to do other fun stuff like travel and experience new things. It’s easiest to start this mentality when kids are little, but it’s so important at any age. I made a pact with myself with my oldest was a toddler that I would NEVER impulse buy my kids anything at a store. They know now that I still won’t, and when they do (rarely) ask, I tell them no. Birthdays and Christmas still hold meaning to them because they are the few times a year that they receive something special and wanted. However, we still keep those days simple and focused on their true meanings.
It’s such a beautiful journey to see your own children grow up outside the consumer culture and express desire for experiences over things. And living simply with kids is truly easiest when it’s part of your family mission statement and lived out intentionally, every day.
Lisa says
My kids didn’t know that Target had toy aisles until very recently. They only found out when I took them with me to buy gifts for another child…lol.
I shop with a list. I started doing it because I forgot things all the time, then kept it up because it keeps ME from impulse buying. I make lists for everything – clothes, makeup, etc and talk about how we only buy what we need and use what we have until it breaks/doesn’t fit.
My kids started making their own scribble lists to carry around the store. So far it’s working pretty well!