According to a recent study, the average wedding cost in the US is $35,000—and that’s not even including the amount spent on an engagement ring.
As you might imagine, the figures vary widely from state-to-state. Couples in New York City spend the most, while couples in New Mexico spend the least at $17,584.
If that sounds like a lot of money, it is. To put that into historical perspective, wedding spending has increased 3000% since the 1950s! Extravagant, expensive weddings are becoming the norm.
A wedding is an important day and a significant moment in time. It signifies the day we commit the rest of our lives to another human being—to love, cherish, and honor until death do us part. It is a commitment we make in front of friends and family and often represents the joining of two families into one.
This article is, by no means, meant to downplay the importance of that special day. But we should consider if this trend to spend more and more money on weddings is a wise choice.
It is helpful, I think, to consider some of the negative ramifications of an expensive and extravagant wedding. Ever-increasing wedding costs are not necessary and may actually do more harm than good.
Consider the reasons:
1. Extravagant weddings result in increased stress and distraction. Wedding days are stressful enough—adding dozens of unnecessary frills and expenses makes them even more so.
On the other hand, a simple wedding helps keep focus on the bride and groom rather than decorations, accommodations, and food.
2. Expensive weddings bring financial consequences felt for years. If you are going into debt to pay for your wedding, please don’t. Financial pressures consistently rank as one of the top reasons for divorce.
Even if you do have the money saved, it can almost certainly be spent wiser elsewhere: paying off debt, a down payment on your first home, or even the honeymoon experience.
3. Extravagant weddings often distract from the hard work of preparing for marriage. When it comes to joining two lives into one, how many flowers will be in each centerpiece at the reception dinner is the least of your concerns. You and your future spouse should be talking about plans for your life together, methods of communication, and family experiences that may result in mismatched expectations.
Spend as much time together in premarital counseling as you do planning the actual ceremony. That is where the true foundation for a happy marriage is laid.
4. Expensive weddings are not necessarily more beautiful. The early assumption made by brides and grooms is that spending more money will result in a more beautiful experience and ceremony. But that is simply not the case. I have attended expensive weddings that were beautiful, for sure. But I have also attended simple weddings that were even more beautiful and often showcased more of the bride’s (and groom’s) personality.
Simplicity, as they say, is the ultimate sophistication.
5. Extravagant weddings magnify mistakes and mishaps. Almost no wedding gets by without some mishap occurring during the day—whether before, during, or after the ceremony. In my opinion, when a couple has invested so much time, energy, and money into a ceremony, they are more likely to sweat the small stuff thinking their financial investment would have insulated them from any moments of imperfection.
Take heart. The little mishaps on your wedding day will be the memories you talk about the most. Not allowing them to ruin your special moment when they occur is key to enjoying your day.
6. Extravagant weddings tend to promote (or result from) competition. Thinking your wedding day must measure up to a purely subjective standard set by a friend or family member is a foolish way to spend your day. “Comparison is the thief of joy,” Theodore Roosevelt once famously said. Allowing it to creep into your wedding day, in any fashion, is a poor choice.
Your wedding day is about you and your future spouse. Nobody else.
7. Expensive weddings often result in shorter marriages. Believe it or not, there is evidence that marriage duration is inversely associated with spending on the engagement ring and wedding ceremony. Couples who spend less on their ceremony are more likely to remain together longer.
In the same study, there was also connection made between the honeymoon and the marriage: Going on a honeymoon is “significantly associated with a lower hazard of divorce.” Based on these stats, spending money on your honeymoon is a wiser investment than money on the ceremony.
My wedding occurred before my introduction to minimalism. And yet, it was not an extravagant one. It was big, but not expensive.
Kim and I got married at our home church in Omaha, NE with 400-500 people in attendance. Our ceremony was not flashy, but included many beautiful elements you would assume to be present at a traditional church wedding service. For our reception, we served sandwiches and cake and punch. If I could do it over, there’s not a single thing I would change.
Not a single day of our lives have we looked back and regretted not spending more on our wedding. But I know many couples who look back and regret the amount of money they wasted on their ceremony.
If you’d like a simple wedding, here are some helpful ideas to get you started:
- Set a budget (and stick to it).
- Choose elements that are important to you, but limit the number. Try fewer flowers, simpler decorations, or less food choices. You can keep many of the traditional elements (if that is your style) without needing to go over the top with any of them.
- Don’t shell out big money for expensive accommodations. A simple church building can be just as beautiful as an expensive wedding chapel. And if the time of year permits, a backyard can easily host an intimate, informal, unforgettable reception with little expense.
- Look for personal touches. A wedding ceremony that communicates your unique personalities and/or time together will always be considered more thoughtful by your guests than expensive add-ons bought at the bridal store.
- Realize the wedding industry is built entirely on convincing you that you need x. There are entire stores, catalogs, and websites in business today working tirelessly to convince you that you need x or y in order for your wedding to be perfect. They are wrong. You don’t need anything—except for maybe official paperwork from your state and a few witnesses to sign the document.
- Enjoy your simple, precious day focused on the things that matter most.
Marital happiness has nothing to do with your wedding ceremony. It has everything to do with the weeks and years and life together after.
That’s why the simplest weddings are often the happiest.
Karla Holley says
I knew I would enjoy this article as soon as I read the title, and I did! I completely agree and #5 stood out to me, the most. I remember how nervous I was when I was a bridesmaid in my friend’s very expensive wedding because every detail was so important. I wasn’t near as nervous at my own wedding.
The Darwinian Doctor says
This is well written and timely!
Another advantage of a smaller wedding is that you can be very choosy about guests! That way you can be surrounded by your closest and dearest loved ones for your wedding.
My wife and I had eighthy-something guests and it was lovely.
— TDD
Raegan L says
Amen! Completely agree. My husband and I have been to many of these extravagant weddings and some are still together but many are not. We spent under $5000, wedding and honeymoon (not rings) and are still together after 22 years. If couples would put as much effort into their marriage as they do in wedding we wouldn’t have nearly as high divorce rate.
Heather says
And everyone – those about to be married and those married a long while – could spend a few dollars for a great book titled 8 Dates written by John Gottman and his wife and two co-authors. It’s beautiful and a great way to talk about what you want out of your marriage. My husband and I just did the first one today. Wow!
Jilly says
I hate the current trend for insulting people who have large weddings. It’s downright rude. Couples should have the wedding they want and that’s meaningful to them. No matter how large or small your wedding, there are always ways to economise, or to spend more money. My wedding 19 years ago cost around $45,000, for 100-odd guests. I wouldn’t change any of it either. I know people who’ve had weddings that cost more, and weddings costing less, and there’s been no connection between the cost of the wedding and the success or failure of the marriage. I think if a couple needs premarital counseling, then they don’t know each other well enough to be getting married anyway. My husband and I had been together 5 years before marrying. I know others who were considerably longer.
Adding more money towards our first apartment (not a house) would have been a mistake. I can barely remember what it looked like, but I have fond memories of the wedding. A house is just four walls and a roof. We all waste money in different ways. I think children are a waste of money, so don’t have any. I would never criticize someone else for doing so, because it’s their choice. Yet weddings seem to be fair game.
TJ says
Thank you for speaking up about the trend of insulting large, grand weddings. When I announced my engagement at work, I quickly realized I couldn’t talk about wedding details due to all my coworkers bashing “extravagant” weddings. You are allowed to have a small, inexpensive wedding, but please realize that I am allowed to have a large, expensive wedding. Stop trying to make me feel like dirt about having a grand wedding so you can feel better about yourself and your spending habits. When it comes to weddings, I’ve noticed people with “inexpensive” weddings can’t wait to tell you how little money they spent (for example, this comment thread,) whereas those who spent more tend to remain quiet regarding money. I think some people are so tied up in getting a bargain or trying to spend as little as possible on a wedding that they can miss the point of the marriage covenant as well.
I love weddings and the beauty, symbolism, and etiquette that comes with them. I was able to afford an “extravagant” wedding without going into any debt. My husband and I also took time to go through pre-marital counseling through our church and we met with our pastor several times before the wedding, so we felt solid going into the covenant of marriage. Our friends and family loved being invited and appreciated all the details that went into the ceremony and reception. We also supported several amazing, small-business vendors who need weddings to help their businesses stay afloat.
Alexandra says
Amen. I am European, living in the U.S., and when we got married in CA 20 years ago, I was appalled at the whole wedding organization culture. We went our own way, and had a rather unconventional wedding that everyone enjoyed. Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses, do what feels right for you.
Paul RYKEN says
We wrote about this very same topic a month or so ago – from an Australian / Down Under perspective. We provided 13 examples of how you can reduce your wedding costs and reduce stress.
Kate Daniel says
In addition to all the wonderful comments here, I’d like to add: when my partner’s adult daughter got engaged, we (birth + step-parents) put our heads together and came up with an amount of money that we would have been delighted with when we each got married in our relative youth. (We had all opted for very simple, inexpensive events back then, even in the face of parental pressure.) The amount we offered was well below the average – even here in New Mexico. We told the couple that this was their entire wedding+honeymoon budget and they could spend it however they liked. They opted for a very simple ceremony in her dad’s lovely back yard with a family friend performing the rites. Only immediate family attended. We had the wedding dinner at their favorite restaurant that evening. The next evening they had a catered party for their friends – at her dad’s house again. The rest they spent on a honeymoon in South America. Approaching the event this way saved stress and negotiating between 4 relatively frugal parents and two 30-somethings who are extravagant by comparison. It was a lovely memorable time for everyone. No regrets for any of us!
Sheri Vaden says
We got married 08.08.08 @ 8:08pm informing people via verbal and emails if they wanted to eat, bring a dish at 7! We married in my backyard, my friend worked at our church so provided all the tables and chairs. My DIL made a pretty bouquet of flowers as I opted to have none but she protested lol. My dress was a cute sundress from the thrift store which just “happened” to match perfectly to my husbands suit he obtained from his parents (totally unplanned)! My ring was from the pawn shop ($250) and his from James Avery. We had 100 of our friends & family all there together not only celebrating but also contributing to our special day and I still think of peoples presence as my presents! Best ever!! We spent $0! My mom made the cakes as her gift to us. Our “honeymoon” was spent in my bedroom as we didn’t live together first and he requested we celebrate joining our lives together from “my” house to “ours”! We are more in love today than 10 years ago.
Andrea says
My husband and I got married last June, standing on a patio at the lodge located at our favorite (local) state park (it was too wet to hike into one of the parks canyons as we had intended). In attendance only were the 20 people we love most in this world. We didn’t really have a budget, but everything was measured by “do we really need this?”. In total, including two nights of accommodation, I think we spent $2500, with my $1000 dress being the most expensive element (and only because I was apparently a year ahead of the trend!). I made my bouquet and table arrangements from the peonies in our garden, and filled in with flowers came from Trader Joe’s. We really didn’t even focus on the small details until the last month or two beforehand, and found simple, meaningful ways to highlight our hobbies and passions. One example: sea glass place “cards” because we love the ocean.
We used the rest of the money we had saved for the event during our 1.5 year engagement towards our honeymoon, combined with credit card points, for a two week trip of a lifetime.