“Envy is ignorance.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
Very few people would argue for the positive influence of envy in our lives. In fact, most of us can quickly recognize its harmful effects:
- It fosters discontent and distress.
- It binds our freedom.
- It leads to resentment and bitterness.
- It causes us to do things we wouldn’t normally do.
- It can spiral into depression.
And yet, the wasted emotions of envy and jealousy continue to be present in our lives. It is a constant battle that wars against our heart and soul. We experience envy over other peoples’ appearance, talents, relationships, and bank accounts. It offers no positive contribution to our lives. Yet, it remains.
It is time to break free. Certainly, each of us desire to live in freedom from jealousy and envy. How then, can we overcome it?
Consider these helpful, life-changing steps to overcoming envy:
1. Shift your focus to the goodness in your life. One of the biggest reasons we envy the life of another is because we have begun to take our blessings for granted. Count them again. You are talented. You are gifted. You are cared for. You are unique. Your life is too valuable to be lived like everyone else. You have countless reasons to be grateful for the life you have been given. Remind yourself again.
2. Remind yourself that nobody has it all. Comparing your life with others is always a losing proposition. There will always appear to be people who have it better than you. But remember, we always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions we make about others. Be reminded, nobody has it all. Each person you meet experiences problems, trials, and weaknesses–just like you. This is what makes us human. Nobody is exempt. Nobody has it all. Nobody.
3. Avoid people who habitually value the wrong things. If you spend all your time with people who compare the latest fashions, you are going to start desiring the latest fashions. If you spend all your time with people who talk about their salaries, their new cars, or their extravagant vacations, you are going to naturally fall into the inevitable trap of comparing your possessions to theirs. But there are far more important things to pursue. Remove yourself from the conversation (and the relationship if necessary).
4. Spend time with grateful people. Gratitude is highly contagious–that is why I spend time reading Tammy Strobel. You can read gratitude in almost every word she writes. Find grateful people who experience contentment in their lives and spend quality time with them. You can find them online or you can find them in person. But the more you invest your time with them, the more their spirit will become yours… and soon, others will desire what you have.
5. Understand that marketers routinely fan the flame. One of the most effective tools for advertisers in our culture is to foster jealousy and envy among us. After all, if they can cause us to recklessly desire the possessions of another, they can drive us to great lengths to acquire it for ourselves. Be on guard against their tactics. Recognize them. Avoid them. And refuse to succumb to their deception.
6. Celebrate the success of others. Genuinely and practically, rejoice in the fortune of others. When somebody receives something that you desire, be happy for them. If you wanted it, they probably did too. Stop viewing life as a competition. Joy is not a finite resource. And the moment you learn to experience happiness in others’ joy is the day you take a huge step to overcoming envy once and for all.
7. Be generous. Even if you have to force yourself into it at first, make generosity an essential habit in your life. Give your time. Give your finances. Give your abilities, talents, and skills. Volunteer in your community. Support a cause that promotes social justice. And get your hands dirty. As you begin to spend more time and more energy with those who have less than you, the more you will find fulfillment and meaning. And when you do, the allure of another’s person life will quickly fade away.
Envy has held us hostage for far too long. It is time, once and for all, to break free from envy and experience a more fulfilled life because of it.
Image: Yashna M
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I agree with everything in the article except one thought. Support a cause that supports social justice. Social justice is nothing but envy. I cannot support social justice.
you’re thinking of SJWs
Hi, my jealousy/envy doesn’t relate to material possessions because I have long ago got onboard with the minimalist lifestyle and don’t equate my happiness with stuff. However I am extremely envious of people that have/ had a supportive family. I am now 29 and was left to support myself from age 16, I come from a large family but I have no close relationships with any of them, I have a few good friends but not a best friend as such, I do have a fiancé of 7 years and he is great but sometimes I feel like it’s not enough. I really wish I had a family to be proud of my achievements (I have achieved so much, travelled to 30+ countries, built a successful career and am just about to graduate with a degree) or a family to help me plan my wedding or even just be a part of mundane everyday life- a phone call to ask how I am or a visit to my house for coffee. It saddens me, makes me damn angry at times that I don’t have this. Especially because these people actually exist and I feel that I have reached out to them and tried to build relationships with them and I have so much to offer them in return but I get nothing from them. I have wondered at times, can I treat these pretty much nonexistent relationships as I would some material thing? When is right to clear the clutter of old, toxic, relationships? I don’t have old junk cluttering my home/ wardrobe etc so why keep hold of these burdensome relationships that make me feel bad, don’t add value to my life etc. if these were the qualities used to describe a material thing it would be obvious to get rid of it. I’ve looked on your site before for an article about this but most seem to relate to material things so if you have any thoughts I’d love to hear them. Thanks
Jane, I know this is a small gesture, but know that there are many in your shoes. I have made my mind up to be as good of parent and grandmother as possible. So that’s my say on that.
I have found that no matter how hard a person tries, they can only give 50% in a relationship. Cuz there are two people..each having to give atleast Something.
I have adopted theory that the people we need in our lives will present themselves, might not be family, but close friends. I have close friends, but only my boyfriend really understands me and I can tell him everything.
Hi Jane, I’ve read your story and can somewhat relate to how you may be feeling. But I must say that you are doing a great job with your career and accomplishments, and maybe that may be really important for you right now. Being that you are not totally alone (boyfriend) makes me wonder if he is the only person you will need for right now. You have been to 30 countries, that’s really great, but I can’t help but wonder, if there going to be something coming up in your life that we sweep you off your feet. Will your future blossom into something extraordinary, and you may need to stay really focus right now. Or maybe you can’t see the big picture yet….but you do have your boyfriend, and that’s a good thing. Don’t worry things will happen as they should for you, one step at a time. You are welcome to email me if you wish….Take Care.
I feel the same way you do about having a few really good friends but never first for any of them.
Me too????????????????????????
Maybe if you werent obsessed with Travelling everywhere, studying and being the best you would have had the time to build these relationships.
Many people succeed without family atall and less, your just jealous because you want people around you saying how great you are all the time. You have several things alot of people want yet your whining about not having people around to tell you well done.
I feel bad for your Fiance, 7 years and you feel it’s not enough.
Wow, that’s harsh.
Claude, your comment was harsh, and really unnecessary. There are more constructive ways at getting your point across than belittling people. It just goes to show you that no one has it all, NO ONE. I repeat this phrase to myself almost daily, and sometimes several times a day. Like the article states counting the blessings you do have, and doing it frequently, is one of the best ways to counteract envy. As ironic as it may seem, after reading this article, I couldn’t help but feel envious of those that are free from envy. Envy is viscious!
This comment is most unkind. U sound very bitter, why? Your comment has not helped the poster in any way.
I am so sorry that you struggle with this. I can relate so much. I come from a large family, left home at 16 and also have no meaningful kin reationships. I read you post and felt as though I was looking in a mirror. I have raised two young kids who are now.teens. I have a wonderful husband, but nowere and no one to share holidays with and such. I am surrounded by peers who have active aunt, uncle and grandparents to love their children and support them as families. It does hurt. Over the years it does get better, but the longing is there at times. No one deserves this kind of loss. You are right about there being little out there to read on how to cope. Hope it gets better for you. I hope you can shift your focus to have the opportunity to make your wedding day special and unique and most if all FUN!
I know how you feel…but indeed what is true is that everyone has something missing…for me is the romantic relationships. I’ve always tried to find someone but it seems so difficult. I feel lonely and that makes me feel envious of people that has this part of their lives fulfilled. I broke my heart several times and until now I don’t know what to do to meet the person I’ve always dreamed of.
I am 20 yrs old boy. Unfortunately life led me to an infatuation with 37 year old, unmarried, beautiful lady. I am at extremes. When emotions dawns in me then I remain of nowhere. I had to unfriend that lady from FB as I cant see her posts (photos with others). She didn’t know this. When She talk with others, taking selfies with others. I feel inferior. She lives far away from my city. I met her once in camp. Stayed 4 days with her and feel in infatuation…. plz have me some sound & strong way to come out of it.
It is easy to be a minimalist at 29. It is harder at 39, 49, 59 . . . . As you get older life gets more expensive.
I could have written all of this, I could be you were it not for the fact that I am 75 years old and nothing has changed for me since I was 29. I wish I could be indifferent to just about everyone; it hurts so much not to be wanted, not to be loved.
Hey Jane, I can relate to you a lot. One thing I have realized though that has helped me a lot is that when people aren’t reaching out to you, don’t take it personally and blame your self. You do what you can do, but at the end it is the other people’s choice, so move forward and don’t let them hold you back. You don’t have to proof to them or anyone else that you are worth their affection. Just keep being you knowing that you are so much worthy, valued and treasured deeply in the eyes of God. No matter what you have done or will do, his love and presence never abundant. Also, realize that sometime people that are not your family can become so supportI’ve and loving. :)
Naturally you’re sad about missing out of support from families and close friendship. I think it is important to mourn the love you didn’t get from your original family. I did not get it either. It is always a scar in my soul. I think you should allow youself to mourn. And to express your grief to others in small amounts. Not in a envy hostile way, but explain and open up yourself. Many people had the same experiences but put up a brave face, or keep up the facade. Telling others about yourself can be a gift that makes other open up. And tell others that you get a little jealous, in a nice perhaps joking way. . I mean any person likes to be envied at times. Don’t try to be a perfect and angelical. We all are envious, have our scars, so let’s support eachother, talk more about us not being perfect. Tear down the facades together. If you feel you can be yourself with others you will feel less lonely and envious. Accept your unperfect past! But realise you’are in command of your future. Don’t mix up your past with Now or the Future. And remember, as Celione Dion once sang, as science shows, love comes to those who believes it. So feelings of togetherness and being supported comes from willingness to recieve and being able to be wulnerable. Love!
Hi jane, please visit the churches of chist in your area. Everyone is welcome with love in this spiritual family. The greatest relationship you’ll find here is with Jesus and His church.
I love this article. Very wise advice. I completely get this, and wish more would follow these guidelines for a more fulfilling life. Thanks for sharing!
I’ve found that I’ve shifted from a place of envy to a place of aspiration. Now I’ve never really been much of a materialistic person, but I am all too familiar with wishing for things (vacations, financial freedom, time with family, etc.) and feeling that it’s beyond my reach. When I see people modeling behavior, success, and happy relationships, I evaluate it for why it works and how they’re going about it. Then I try putting some of these things into practice myself. Rather than feeling envious of them, I see them as an example that I can learn from. People have the things they have because they’re doing things that make that possible. If I observe and learn, then I can try their approaches out for myself. There’s no need to be envious when I have the ability to accomplish these things myself. It’s a matter of belief, determination, and will (or rather, having behaviors and thoughts that SUPPORT our goals [which many of us don’t ever take the time/belief to formulate]).
Hi Ashley,
I like your response and I could not agree more. This response is such a blessing and inspiration to me. Thank you for your wise words.
I have desires but only to be successful at what I do. I am happy when people are successful. Not everyone is happy for me. I’m mostly faced with competition. I don’t want to compete with anyone. I just want to enjoy my blessings
Ashley –
I think you are spot on. Those people are doing something to get whatever it is. People offend miss this very important part and think people are handed something because they don’t know all that is involved. I have often found that people want something (materialistic or other) but are often not willing to do what it takes to get it. It usually requires more than they ever imagined.
Ashley, YES. Spot on.
I like your post. It’s a great reminder. What I want is the feeling of gratitude, more than even the success that others have.
I would like to share a personal breakthrough I discovered in being envious of others. I think we have to accept that although envy does originate from within ourselves, this is likely to be exactly what the person we are envious of wants. I think we have to realise that with the prevalence of today’s modern materialistic lifestyle, some people are so selfish they actually aim to get others to envy them, and don’t care about the negative emotional consequences in the envious. I think I’ve been personally struggling to understand that the key is that it is not all my fault. Rather my fault is being naïve in not realising that the creation of envy in other people is their aim. I think envy has a strong spiritual dimension and we can’t think we have failed as a person because we don’t compare to someone else. What really helped me was to think some positive assertions along the lines: “NO, I will not give you the recognition you want. NO, I will not give you the envy you want. NO, I do not want the selfish lifestyle you have. You are selfish, insecure and immature, and you can keep it all. God has given me all I need and I want nothing of yours…”
Winston, good for you….I wish you all the best, many times we will experience pain. And as many would say, pain eventually makes you stronger, but not quick enough for most people. Life will always have ups and downs, but at least you know that most pain is temporary…..Take Care.
Winston. I really like your story I hope I can breakthrough to this monster feelings I have (envy)
I came from poor family and then get married. Luckily I married a hard working man that always provide in anyway he can and his parents are been loving parents in law to me. They had given me so much love and materials stuff. Now we’re living in this materialistic world,fb,Instagram etc. Everybody you see have a fabulous life. Since I became a mother which I always wish for coz infertility prob. It’s miracle I have one. Now I have to budget I have to cut a lot of things,bills is more now coz we are family of 3 now. I feel envy to those who travel,have more money etc. I know this is a sin from God and I’m praying that God will help me to cure this monster coz I hate it. It makes me depress and not thankful for everything I have. Now. I always think something missing.
By reading your comment here it helps me to open my mind. I turn off all my social media account.
BTW Goodluck and God bless.
Thank you for sharing your helpful realization!
????????????????????????good choice!
The fact that I came looking for an article like this says that I might be ready to fight these negative feelings. Very crisp and well written, has definitely given me some guiding principles. Thanks !!
Great advice but it doesn’t help me that much! I feel envy of my best friend for things that I can’t even explain, eventhough I want her to be happy , I always want what she has.. Liked when she moved to another country and her school was much more advanced ! (They used iPads and she talked about how great the school was) on the other hand , I moved to another country where the education was very low , where we didn’t even have smartbords… Every time I talk to her , inside I feel envy building up, eventhough i don’t let her notice , i burn inside for some reason.. And everytime I pick up my book , I have problem keeping hold of it , I want to throw it at the wall or rip it up, I want what she has but I know there’s 0% change I’ll get it..
I don’t know if I feel a bit of jeliousey , like when I ask myself, why has my life turned so bad when hers has gone for the better? I always remind myself there are people happy with half of what I have , but it doesn’t work! Shall I stop talking to her compleatly ?
Dear M.A.,
I’m sorry to hear you feel this way. I wonder if it would help to be honest with your friend and tell her you are happy for her but would like to change the subject as the topic at hand reminds you of what you don’t have?
I agree with other people here just tell her just change the topic and tried to look for other inspirationall friend to talk.
I think you haven’t made up your mind towards changing what and how you fill towards people…force it and sure it will work
No, I wouldn’t stop talking to her, unless you really don’t like her. But she is not the world, she is not YOUR world. I’d spend more time talking to yourself about you or someone whose life feels inspirational instead of envious. Be nice to you. You will never be her. If you were suddenly her you would most likely miss YOU. Go talk to yourself, go journal, talk yourself through the whole thing. Write out the whole things. Do both until you realize you want to go do something else. When you write it out or talk it out use your voice first. Then do it from another point of view, not what you would want to hear from that person/POV, but from that side of it. Look for the honesty, possibly painful, from that side of things.
Hi great advice but I still feel empty inside me.I genuinely wants my friends to be successful n happy yet I envy them of the lifestyle n grades they have and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t be better than them.I am happy with them and enjoy hanging out with them but deep down I felt sad for myself.I always told myself to cherish what I have but I can’t help but feel envy of other.Do anyone have any advice to help me be happier.Thanks
Hi Lim,
I’m no expert and I’m only another person having problem and struggling to look for freedom and happiness inside of me as well, that’s how I stumbled onto this page myself.
Reading your text made me feel I’m looking at myself, I wanted to say something to not only try to help you but more to help myself.
You said you feel empty, a person who focuses on his/her own mission in life will not feel empty. You must have your goal, your dream in life, are you working hard to achieve them? If you are not, then maybe you should look at how to get you to where you want to be in life to avoid the emptiness feeling.
You said you do want your friends be successful and happy, so before you allow the envy feeling rise, did you tell them and really allow yourself a moment to be happy because it is what you want! Even share your happiness with them, tell them how happy they are your friends, and you are friended with successful and happy people.
Now let’s look at your frustration of envying their lifestyle and grades. Close your eye for a moment, if you could have whatever you want in this world, are they really and exactly what you would vision yourself in ? Is everything they are experiencing you want to experience as well? If that really is the case, then back to my first point, go and be busy on that, achieve it with your own hands and your own talent.
You said you are happy hanging out with them but deep down feeling sad. You can’t be happy and sad at the same time. Again, really ask yourself the real reason you enjoy hanging out with them, if you do enjoy then carry on. If it is for different reason, you are only pretending to be happy, or you think you ought to happy because they are your friends, then stop! No reason you go for anything makes you sad about yourself. You might be better using your time to focus on getting you where you want to be.
Telling yourself to cherish what you have is not enough, really cherish what you have. I am sure you have things that other people do not have, I do not have, your friends do not have. List them out, write them down will help you to visualise, when we get the visual, it’s easier for us to grow that necessary feeling for it, cherish!
I hope you will be happier and walk out that dark zone, and I hope myself too.
Best
Thank you very much,just that I needed to hear.bless you.
Think about the love God has for you…how resentful it is….
I envy everyone who has more than i do especially if i feel like they look better than I do or if they have something i really want i hate it so much im not where i want to be in my life and seeing friends with their own apartments and money and able to buy the things that they want makes me almost sick to my stomach that i cant have the same items sometimes i get so jealous that i dont want to talk to them anymore because i feel like they brag about the things they have even if they dont i wish i wasnt like this and i wish i could be happy with myself and do things to make myself feel better but i cant
Hi lele, you are welcome to talk to me, I’m not sure if I can help change anything, but sometimes talking to someone who listens helps…
This paper => || http://www.academia.edu/4238683/Corruption_and_the_Fatal_Power_of_Envy || on the absolute power of corruption that envy wields paints the ultimate picture.
And thank you! I needed this.
A nice read! Thank you for waking me up to make me realize that I DON’T HAVE TO BE ENVY and there is NO REASON for me to be envy. Like what you have said “STOP SEEING LIFE AS A COMPETITION” I will remind this to myself everyday :)
Ruelyn, somethings may be hard to do right away, but if you keep what you read in the back of your head, I believe it will eventually help you …Good Luck
I really hate myself from being envy to my friend ,i just feel so bad with myself ,when she got the things which i wanted to have too .
And there are times that i wanted to avoid as i don’t like to feel awkward towards her .We are living in the same standards of life .But she has someone who helped her to accomplished her needs ,to give what she wants ,material things and everything ,money and all . I started to feel envy ,and comparing myself to her and was very upset with the fact that she’s getting to the top .And i ask myself ,am i really a friend if i am feeling like this towards her? then i tried and convince myself not to feel this negative feelings ,but then every time she receive something from that person , i always observed it as we are friend online and even personal. And then again i start being envious kind of friend . And i badly need to overcome this weakness , because it bothered me so much that almost made me the worst person .Making me stressed ,.And i need more advice how to overcome and forget this negative feelings .Thanks
Hi Pearl, I think I can relate to how you feel, I have been feeling that same way for many years. I’ve been through some deep depression over the years, because I felt like everybody always had nicer things than I had, including my siblings. I have dealt with some alcohol issues many years ago because I felt like nothing. But God eventually got my attention, and made me feel worthy. He made me feel secure and let me know that I was going to be alright. I found out as a child, that I had been sexually abused, and wasn’t aware of it until I became an adult. I had so much anger inside, that begin to drink. God kept me safe from any serious harm through all my deep depression. I am much older now (senior) and I feel that God saved the best for last for me. I have always dealt with financial struggles, while my siblings had everything that I had desired. I was always broke, but always had a safe place to live. Now as a senior, I am feeling the best that I ever felt in my whole life. I know your circumstances are a little different, but I just wanted to say that I can relate to how you feel. I don’t mind talking to any one who may need a friend……Take Care.
Thanks Darlene, your testimony or story is very parrelled to mines. I’ve always felt like I was the lesser of my siblings as well. I’ve struggled to maintain most of my young adult life and I really just didn’t feel good about myself . My siblings and my mother use to call me slow when I was a child and that really had a negative impact on my life. To be honest Even though I have a Bs in psychology and a certificate in gerontology (that I rencently accomplished) I still struggle with low self esteem. This drove me to being envy and jealous. I pray constantly asking God to please remove this from me because this is not the way I want to live my life.
Hello, my name is John, You could notice that I have several grammatical errors on my comment but I think y’all understand it well so here it goes: I have this friend, let say he is Lance, I always fight him (In a friendly way) and i’m always envy on what he have; appeal, appearance, friends etc during our recess I’ve notice that he doesn’t eat very much (because in our squad we usually buy our food in canteen) and he doesn’t spend his money much, He tells us that he is saving up money to buy a new computer and i’m not very convince on what he’s telling, months went by, he just tell us that he bought brand new computer and of course, an internet connection, we’re just only teens (15-16 y.o.) and i’m very much envy on what he have now and i want those things happen to me but i never want to do those sacrifices and even do it. after reading this article some of it i found helpful but now i have a doubt that i can’t bond with him with “pure-hearted”(i think that word could sum up what i wanted to say) and talk to him very straight, i need someone to help me with my problem because he is all i got now, my only friend in our classroom, and because of that enviousness the relationship between me and him seemed to blur because of my selfishness and I want to remove that malefic trait off me. (need a quick reply, thanks)
John, you are right, it won’t be easy but you must try to overcome those negative feelings. I don’t think I quite get something you are saying, so just come out and say it. Don’t loose a friend over jealousy…. or maybe there’s more to this.
I really dont knw how to handle my feelng of envy. M really sick of it. It not only is spoiling my life but also my happiness. Life had been highly uncertain towrds me alwys n dis is d biggest reason of my feelng of envy ..n i really wanna get rid of dis feelng ..its killing me daily
Anjali, you are welcome to talk to me, maybe a good listener might help you some. Tell me what are you mostly envy about right now….what is causing you so much stress?
Anjali as you told you Life is always uncertain and brings you unexpected things in life i would suggest to take things which you can have control and so no need to blame others or God i have been in depression for almost 3 years just came out of it.Be grateful to your life and respect yourself and others then you will feel better and light.
Envy is the killer of vision, it makes us live for d nxt person and thereby not become our true self.i myself am still battling with it to the extent that i sometimes lie about certain things so that others may envy me bcs i also envy others and this is really destroying me but i believe tru ur different comments,,,i cn pick bits and pieces to solve this…tnk you all
Hi! I think the idea of helping those who have a lot less, volunteering in a hospital, soup kitchen or assisted living sounds like the most promising advice. I always wanted to attend an elite grammar and high school but my parents could not afford it. I am proud that I earned a BA and worked to pay the loans. However, to this day, I envy children and parents who attend or plan to send their children to prestigious schools. It’s a terrible feeling. Lisa
Envy is something that will eat us alive if we don’t know how to control it, we might forget how beautiful life is. Email me if you want someone to listen, let’s help each other and overcome our weakness.
My husband died of a massive heart attack at 57 after 36 years of marriage. Envy has been unfortunately a large part of my life lately. Seeing others with their significant others, knowing I am responsible for my house and everything from repairs, bills, eating alone at home and in restaurants, etc.
It’s hard since I was with him since I was 16 years old now there’s nothing but work, therapy, and now also taking care of an 85 year old mother.
It’s awful to feel envious of others and constantly wishing life would be like it use to be.
HI Mary Ann i feel so sorry about the death of your husband..Just think all the good and positives in your life and all the lights surrounds you,. I love the way taking care of your Mother .. That’s the best thing that you are doing caring and loving your Mom. You know i got married then when i worked abroad my wife left home without knowing.. we don’t have a child but i adopted a baby boy which my big sister taking care of him while i working abroad. after couple of years i just heard that my wife with another man.. Now im at home for good with my mother taking care of her too she’s 86 year old .. She’s my inspiration .. I love my mother so much unconditionally.. i don’t get envy ,jealous with others because it will kill us by the STRESS… May God bless you Cristina and all..
I once envied a beautiful woman I saw on the cover of a magazine when I was waiting in line at the grocery store. The photograph was of the woman, her wealthy, famous, and handsome husband, and their two beautiful children. It appeared to me that they had everything. That woman was Nicole Brown Simpson.
I love this!! I have, over the past few years, developed a strong “attitude of gratitude”. Now, I have been reading your posts, and realizing, that I want my environment to reflect my beliefs more.
Minimalism is my answer. I have many things, gifts from people, sentimental stuff, but I cannot keep it all….or, I can rotted my environment with sparse pieces which I change, from time to time. But I never give a gift, with the expectation, of the person keeping it for their entire lifetime. When it no longer suits them, they have changed their mind….it no longer serves them, get rid of it!!!!
And that, is the permission I am giving myself, now. Life changing…thank you!!
That was*ROTATE* my environment!!! Just a typo.
I’m feeling envious of my cousin that was my bestfriend when we were younger. Now shes still my friend but we’re not very close as each is busy with her life. Am well educated, have a great career, pretty and known to be smart and I have a lovely husband and baby, yet i cant cherish all these blessings as am always envious of what she has. Her husband is really young and he’s making a lot of money from stock market, they bought the perfect apartment, 6 luxurious cars, yakht, jewelries…. And all of that doesnt make me feel at ease, and being their relative always put me on board wz their latest achievements and assets. I want to be happy for them and sometimes i pray to GOD to bless them more in order to reverse my feelings but yet nothing changed. I read a lot of blogs i can even write a book now but still am sad from the inside. Its just like their presence dillute my achievements and my husbands. I dnt wanna live like this. Should i seek a psychoogist?
This was so extremely helpful and explained perfectly. I was reading scriptures about envy and I needed something that transferred the scriptures into something literal/practical that I could practice in my everyday life. And this article did that for me! Thank you so much!
Hello ! My name is Harsh. Today , I saw my well doing friend’s post on social network. He was my class mate. We done our college together and today his post saying he is doing great in his life. Suddenly one strange feeling popped up in my heart. Unknown , strange felling . I guess it is ENVY , jealousy.
i have never ever felt like this before. I am truly appreciating my friends effort and no doubt he is talented. But , I don’t no how this happened. I was like what am i doing with my life right now ? Look at him and look at you. It makes me demotivating and Jealous .
To get read of it I started searching on google to find some help regarding this and I found this blog about minimalists .
Anyone is here to help me , regarding this ?
How to get rid of it and how can I make myself so confident ?
Thank you ..
This article and all the comments, lighten my heavy heart and wicked mind. I am 30, and yet, I’ve no idea what I want to do in my life. I do things here and there for some reasons in which I totally don’t know why I am doing those things. Every time I see people achieving something, I tend to envy and give it a try until I would drop it halfway.
I believed that it all started six years ago when all my friends passed the civil engineering board exam though I know and everybody know that it was just unfortunate not to see my name on the list. I tried other things which my friends, my schoolmates or other people who know me to prove my capabilities and exquisite courage of achieving things. However, I got worse year after year until I lose my focus and hard to notice which are important things in my life.
Until now, I am still suffering from that kind of thinking even though in the eyes of others I am just too smart compared to them.
My neighbor gets envy and jealous about my business , but i don’t mind her and still smiling her without smiles back…i just keep relaxing and calm .. im just focusing the goodness in life…
great stuff i was envious of others too for a long time and it took away my happiness but now im trying to overcome it day by day
I believe that the key to dispensing with debilitating levels of feeling envy and jealousy towards others is to learn to have better relationships. Relationships characterised by: trust, respect, kindness and joy. You need to learn to accept yourself as good enough: unique and special – and as such just like everyone else. Stop competing and start being empathetic and honest.
Jealousy stems from deep seated feelings of inadequacy and rejection which were instigated in your childhood through poor parenting. If a child does not experience unconditional love from an early age they develope a sense of being defective and this breeds insecurity. Jealousy is a common response as you imagine someone else has what you must be lacking to “fix” that defect deep within you. These difficult feelings can be superseded by learning to develope truly authentic and meaningful relationships- both with key individuals who themselves are authentic ( you can find them- they make you feel more relaxed and happy) and ultimately you can learn to be more authentic to some extent with everyone once you let go of some of your defences. Good luck and there are books/individuals that can help out there.
This is exactly what I experienced as a child. Your post has really helped because now I know where to start.thanks a million.
Are you sure my email address will not be published, or will it be given to other online companies. Can’t be 100% sure, but as soon as I posted here, I keep getting a new email each day from different companies. Somebody is giving out my email address and I will find out who is doing it….
It’s from me. I have never posted, given, or sold email addresses to anyone else. I don’t even know how to go about such a thing.
Hi Joshua, Thank you for this article, I am needing this at the moment. Not feeling that way, but I am seeing a lot of people who can easily get envy for things they don’t have. But your point for no. 3 and 4 really hit me. More power to you!
Hi, Joshua everything that is written on your article hit me hard. But there’s missing, you know i’ve been born with everything a poor person would be happy to have. Though my family are there to support but i feel no love in it, everyday we fight for this and that, and I’m getting sick of it. The one who can understand me more is too far to reach. I’ve been stuck with my mother who blocked me out to the world. I know she’s working for my future but i feel like I’m living in very laziest life. She works full day and when she got home, nothing. I tried to crack jokes just to start a convo but i always end up getting her more pissed than she should be. So instead i just keep my mouth shut, she has a very huge pride you know, she never accepts failure, never say sorry, whenver i at least let her know that it’s her fault, well for such a small thing, she gets angry and blamed it to me. I envy all of my classmates who has such a great relationship with their parents. I never had a bestfriend, friends that could stick with me because in every outings that they invite me she never allow me to join and she will allow me but all expenses will be all mine to handle so i think starving myself at school to earn money for me to join an outing is the least i could do then i end up getting envious around all my friends cause they wore such dresses and everything i wish i could have and they all look pretty and happy. So instead of feeling those kind of things, i thought it’s better to just stay home since i have nothing, no boyfriend, no money to help others, just do what our house provide. And to say I’m already 19!. I really want a change. I want to live somewhere far away from this house but i can’t. Right now i just want to finish college maybe by then she will allow me on my own.
Envy and jealousy can truly be life destroying. If you can believe that you are the unique creation of God, then you can realize that no matter what your circumstances, you cannot be anyone but who YOU were created to Be. No matter what your growing up was or is, It can inform you, teach you what you could not otherwise become. No matter if you’ve grown up in an alcoholic family, been sexually abused, married to someone and had a family around you who thought and treated you as someone less than (and it certainly has been my story) you must focus on the unique gifts you have been given and instead of wishing for the idealized gift of the package with the gold foil paper with the red velvet ribbon which you view as belonging to someone else and feel envious of or jealous of…if you do…you will refuse to open the gift in front of you that is yourself…just because it comes in a sliver package with a blue velvet bow. How terrible. That you would deny the world the gift that is uniquely You because you are looking enviously at someone else. Instead, what do you have that no one else has?What do you have that that people across the world would give their life for? And what in that other person that you are envying do you admire…let it inspire you, motivate you, put a fire in your belly to go after. Recognize that if you admire it, then you can set a reasonable goal to achieve it. Don’t sabotage yourself with “I can’t” because on the road to “I can” you will have accomplished and achieved more than you possibly can with a defeatist attitude. Every time I heard “no” to what I wanted or “you can’t” I said to myself “watch me”. And along life’s path of twists and turns that I couldn’t have foreseen at 21, or 30, or 45, or 60…at 74 I’m teaching about envy and mythology and the use of fairy tales, and psychodrama, and having a career that was unimaginable in my youth and throughout the various tragedies and events that could have stopped me along the way. Yes, depression can be dreadful. I know. I’ve made so many mistakes along the way. Big ones trying unsuccessfully, unhealthily to fill gaping holes in my inner and outer worlds. I have even seen the destructive effects of Beng the One Who Is Envied…it is sliming and makes you want to hide your gifts because you desire so much to be liked. AND yet…You can Be No One other than the best You there is. Just like I can be only Myself. And I can strive to and relentlessly open each gift that has been given to me me appreciate and give thanks for those particular gifts even giving thanks for the suffering along the way because it has taught me, allows me to endure And become someone I couldn’t possibly be otherwise. I know this is long and I hope not preachy but truly…investigate who you were created to be, take courage and look at and open the unique gifts you have been given(even the difficult background you’ve come from), work hard to co-create your destiny…do not just ride along on what you consider the river of fate. Your life as mine is a continual journey toward discovery. I’m still working full time in a body riddled with pain. I do not give up and I can say,”Oh, what a ride.”
Josette Nards.
Thanks for this nice advice I think it would help a lot of people. I hope I can apply this to my self and help my self to appreciate my own unique gift. I’m getting depress this past few days thinking what is missing to my life. I just heard one of social my friend marrying a rich man she’s a very arrogant woman I just can’t imagine she just got that luck after all of her bad attitude. Then I realized that I’m starting the feeling envious and comparing my self. Now I’m trying pull up my self trying to think positive and think about just my self and forget this bad feelings. By reading all the comments in here this group is started to calm my self down.
I agree that the envious envious feeling start in parenting my mother always have favoritsm of all her 7 children I’m the youngest. She always have favorite child thats when I really had started to get jealous but I had cured that by not talking to her for almost 5 yrs. I had help her and my whole family back home financially but nobody appreciate it. So I did back off and give up my communication with them. Now I’m struggling with my own life having a job that I hate but I have a good husband and beautiful child. But I always wish we have more to enjoy life but bills are none stop. I hope one day I will open my unique gift.
These are very nice tips, I am struggling for implementing them but I believe a day will come when I will accomplish them, I have seen grateful and genuine people in my life and I can feel their happiness. Your guidens is awesome , very grateful to you thank you very much.
Nice article.
Seriously amazing comments! I think when you have depression it’s easy to isolate yourself and feel like you are the only one feeling this way! Very inspirational that we we all here trying to better ourselves!
I am 18 years old and im trying to lose all envy and jealousy side of me. Ive tried praying and actually assessing my life, however when a situation pops up such as when my gf is around other guys or something. I get very jealous and I hate that about myself. I try to control it, but its as if its inside me I feel it in my chest my body. Its so hard to stop. It makes me act out and do things i dont want to do. I need help, assistance what do i do?
I am 17 and I envy my best friend. I know I’m not supposed to but I cant help it. We have similar interests, art and writing. Both of us also want to publish a book one day. Only thing is she is significantly better than me. And though I’m happy for her, I can’t help be envious of her talent. This also ends up feeding my depression and low self worth and self esteem. Since art and writing is very competitive field, I feel like no one would want my work when there are people like her that are much better(Its not that she’s great, I’m just really bad) Every time she shows me her work I get even more depressed but I just smile and tell her its amazing(it is). I don’t know what to do? Should I just give up? I feel like a terrible friend/person.
Thank You for this! I’m always comparing myself to another person and it gets me envy now I’ve realized that life is not a competition and I must be haply with what I have. THANK YOU SO MUCH GODBLESS YOU!
I still kick myself over ruining my College years being consumed in envy. I had long looked forward to graduating from a boarding school I’d been attending for years and having my freedom back, but the moment I finally did, I became obsessively envious of students who had more exciting opportunities in the Theatre than I felt I could have(I was a Theatre major-big mistake), and complained endlessly about not having a Girlfriend. I barely earned a penny until I was 24, because this envy kept me from taking any responsibility. My College years could have been good, and I practically threw them away! Well, live and learn. I’ve done good things for myself since then.
My best friend got to go to Iceland and I’m extremely envious. This is such a new emotion for me because I generally don’t care about such things but Iceland it’s different. I want to go so bad and he didn’t even really care he was going. Now he emails and texts me the coolest things that make me want to go more and I can’t help but feel sad that I’m not there right this second!
I’m sure this will pass but the feeling sucks. I can’t imagine people who feel this constantly!
My ex sister-in law is such a go-getter. Nice home, and a 2nd home, great job and a side job to boot that she loves. I on the other hand had planned to have all those things but made some poor choices. We are both in our early 60s and when I see her on Facebook talking about her resort home, her excursions to the mountains, and other places I would love to visit (if could afford), I start thinking why I don’t have those things…and it seems I never will since I’m not getting any younger. This is a true story: I was in the shower about 3 days ago when I heard a voice in my head that said, “do not get back on the Facebook.” No joke. It lasted 3 days but I gave-in this evening and when I went on Facebook, there she was talking about a trip she was on…again I felt envious and frustrated with myself because I couldn’t afford to be on a trip. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike her nor am I jealous of her (I don’t think) but it appears I envy what I do not have. (Commandment #10) I’ve decided to “unfollow” for peace of mind. Tks heaps for your great info.
What recommendations does any have for the one being envied?? I am a 26 y/o female and have had to deal with people who were so envious of me it has turned into bullying. Constantly mimicking and copying any and everything I do after they see or hear about it. It could be anything. Honestly it is irritating because I’m just being myself and by no means am I perfect or haven’t had my share of troubles in life yet the hateful bullying and envy has yet to stop. It is a very lonely and sad life at times. At my age,however, I’ve learned to accept it and find other things to occupy myself but the constant monitoring my every move in life to one up in order to feel better and superior is annoying. What should I do and how should I handle this? Thanks.
For starters stop hanging out with these people. Unfriend them. Block phone numbers and cut ties completely. Even if they are family. Trust me it’s no big loss. Hateful people are a poison that can destroy your life. And with all the extra time you’ll have you can help at your local food bank or be a big sister or donate your time to some other good cause. Or train for the Iron Man! (I doubt anybody will try to copy you or be envious of that!) Just my 2 cents.
I was envious and jealousy enough in the past but now I have controlled it completely.
My envy is not around material stuff. I really don’t care who has what. I have enough and some left over to share. My envy comes in people becoming grandmas. My oldest daughter suffered a miscarriage 18 months ago. Of course, this was a painful loss for her and her wife. It was difficult for me in that my own baby was hurting and my granddaughter would now live in Heaven.
As my sisters and friends become grandmas I find myself being very envious and sad. I’m happy for them, I truly am. But it is a reminder that our precious little Levi isn’t here. Being a lesbian, my daughter can’t go out and just try again.
I try hard not to be envious. But I think of all the things my daughter missed out on by loosing Levi. And, selfishly, all the things I miss out on as her grandma. When I crochet or see for other little ones, I can’t help but desire to make one for her or wonder what she’d want.
How do I move beyond and just have joy for my friends and family?
I am a very envious person. I feel bad about that. by thinking about it… I am mostly envious about the hard work and the luck other writers have. I see this to power my writing.
but lately, there was a situation and I dont have any way to find out, what to do.
I have a colleage and we both worked very hard and became always the best in the teams we worked. so, now she is often in smoking breaks, means: good socialising, where I am an introvert person and read muc in my breaks. the colleage was promoted, not by their choice, but she is totally happy about it and I feel the bitter bang of envy. additionally, now, as one of our superior checked, because my colleage “left me”, is working towards to get me into a way worse team (less money, less free time, no way to improve my status in the company, more aggressive customers) and I feel the pang of feeling not acknowledged, while she was “brought into the light of a better job”. And I can not find a way to stop feeling the rage inside my heart.
I’m so sorry for you. I know the emotions and the pain you are experiencing because I have experienced the same situation as you have. What have I done to combat my envy about my colleague? Count my blessings and moved out and got a new job. No it wasn’t that easy but I made up my mind to lead a better life outside of the company I was with since they weren’t going to acknowledge me in a positive way, and I had been with this company for eight years with sporadic salary increases. With this new change I experienced constant questioning if I had done the right thing. I took the new position at another company with lower pay, however, the medical benefits are much better than with the other company but soon found that I did myself a huge favor and five years after I made the switch I finally got recognized with a well deserved salary increase that I was entirely surprised with. The new company is so pleased with my work and they showed it with the promotion and salary increase. I’ve been with this company for eleven years and recently got a call from my former employer about coming back with a matching salary. My answer was Thank You very much but I didn’t go back. I’m very happy here right now but I do know that I did make the correct choice. It takes a huge amount of courage to move out and move on. I was nervous and anxiety about the prospect because I was comfortable and the company was only a few block from where I lived. With the change I made I had to pick up and move to a new town but it was worth it. I found a cute cottage by the bay in a quiet and quaint town where its quiet in the winters but bustling in the spring and summer and fall.