Last updated:
“Envy is ignorance.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
Very few people would argue for the positive influence of jealousy & envy in our lives. In fact, most of us can quickly recognize the importance of learning how to stop being jealous. And we’re all aware of jealousy and envy’s effects:
- They foster discontent and distress.
- They bind our freedom.
- They lead to resentment and bitterness.
- They cause us to do things we wouldn’t normally do.
- They can spiral into depression.
And yet, the wasted emotions of envy and jealousy continue to be present in our lives. It is a constant battle that wars against our heart and soul. We experience envy over other peoples’ appearance, talents, relationships, and bank accounts. It offers no positive contribution to our lives. Yet, it remains.
It is time to break free. Certainly, each of us desire to live in freedom from jealousy and envy.
Here’s how to stop being jealous.
1. Shift your focus to the goodness in your life. One of the biggest reasons we envy the life of another is because we have begun to take our blessings for granted. Count them again. You are talented. You are gifted. You are cared for. You are unique. Your life is too valuable to be lived like everyone else. You have countless reasons to be grateful for the life you have been given. Remind yourself again.
2. Remind yourself that nobody has it all. Stop comparing your life with others. It is always a losing proposition. There will always appear to be people who have it better than you. But remember, we always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions we make about others. Be reminded, nobody has it all. Each person you meet experiences problems, trials, and weaknesses–just like you. This is what makes us human. Nobody is exempt. Nobody has it all. Nobody.
3. Avoid people who habitually value the wrong things. If you spend all your time with people who compare the latest fashions, you are going to start desiring the latest fashions. If you spend all your time with people who talk about their salaries, their new cars, or their extravagant vacations, you are going to naturally fall into the inevitable trap of comparing your possessions to theirs. But there are far more important things to pursue. Remove yourself from the conversation (and the relationship if necessary).
4. Spend time with grateful people. Gratitude is highly contagious–that is why I spend time reading Tammy Strobel. You can read gratitude in almost every word she writes. Find grateful people who experience contentment in their lives and spend quality time with them. You can find them online or you can find them in person. But the more you invest your time with them, the more their spirit will become yours… and soon, others will desire what you have.
5. Understand that marketers routinely fan the flame. One of the most effective tools for advertisers in our culture is to foster jealousy and envy among us. After all, if they can cause us to recklessly desire the possessions of another, they can drive us to great lengths to acquire it for ourselves. Be on guard against their tactics. Recognize them. Avoid them. And refuse to succumb to their deception.
6. Celebrate the success of others. Genuinely and practically, rejoice in the fortune of others. When somebody receives something that you desire, be happy for them. If you wanted it, they probably did too. Stop viewing life as a competition. Joy is not a finite resource. And the moment you learn to experience happiness in others’ joy is the day you take a huge step to overcoming envy once and for all.
7. Be generous. Even if you have to force yourself into it at first, make generosity an essential habit in your life. Give your time. Give your finances. Give your abilities, talents, and skills. Volunteer in your community. Support a cause that promotes social justice. And get your hands dirty. As you begin to spend more time and more energy with those who have less than you, the more you will find fulfillment and meaning. And when you do, the allure of another’s person life will quickly fade away.
Both jealousy and envy have held us hostage for far too long. It is time, once and for all, to break free from jealousy & envy and experience a more fulfilled life because of it.
Image: Yashna M
Ushma says
Hi! I think this article is great, but I think I need more help than this, here.
For a great portion of my life, I’ve been like the queen bee(At school). I got everything I wanted and never had any competition.
I think, 4 years ago, I realized that I wasn’t being very nice, so I changed. I have changed myself fully externally yet somewhere on the inside, that jealous, competitive girl resides who can not accept that she’s not always going to be the best.
I’m in college now and everyone is so beautiful and to be honest, I’m not that pretty. My friends on the other hand, are gorgeous. My guy friends are always asking if they’re single and stuff and it makes me soooo envious. How do I stop?
john says
there’s a christian book I’ve read (just partly though), titled “Jealousy- the sin no one talks about”. i think it is a very good book on this subject.
Julie says
Hi Ushma,
I have a similar problem but professionnally. I am a hard worker, my life has been full of opportunities and i have been number one countless of times. I have rarely been number 2 for a long time. I am very used to get praised. In my work environment for the last 4 years i am, and have been, the last number possible for the very same reasons why i have been number 1 before (i am driven, a visionary, competitive, goal and people oriented but will not hesitate to stand tall for what i think is right). I envy people around me that get to have opportunities that i can’t access because my attributes do not fit the criteria. The approach i am taking right now is to take this opportunity to learn to be a number 2 and to cope with it without becoming frustrated and showing it through my behaviour (which then contributes in maintaining me number 2). At the end of the day, i have been priviledged to be number 1 for so long. I am in the process of trying to learn to be a well-behaved, happy, number 2. I believe that this will teach me extra skills and humility for when my turn comes again… Likely elsewhere… and it is okay like that….not easy but probably what i need to be a better person.
Janet says
Excellent post. Envy is so very destructive to one’s quality of life. I’ve had my share of envious feelings. It’s freeing to admit it, and I wish there were a more open dialogue about the subject. Perhaps if we weren’t so ashamed of this very basic human emotion, we could deal with it more effectively and it wouldn’t ruin our lives. People wouldn’t be compelled to spend all of their money to achieve the “American Dream.” I love what you said about gratitude. I firmly believe that you cannot have gratitude and envy at the same time.
Karen @ Journey towards simplicity says
I was always perplexed by jealousy when I saw it in others even as a child. I could not wrap my head around it then or now. I never thought to wish someone ill just because they had something (or more of something) I did not. On my sister’s birthday in March as a child, I recall wanting to open gifts too but I didn’t want to take hers or wish her misfortune. I just wondered why I didn’t get any gifts or where were mine ….lol. Eventually i learned I’d get birthday gifts in October :)
Robben says
While letting go of envy is the art of losing one’s attachments to material things. I believe we learn to live by observing and channeling our thoughts so that we may begin to grow and communicate at an intimate level. Envy at the core has to do with those who are ready to share their life in a relationship, while this may seem to add limitations to others. It is a responsibility of our mutual self respect to let others know how we feel about becoming involved and overcoming our fears of sexual desire.
Mike says
This is a great article and I really like your seven suggestions for curbing the effects of envy. Thanks for posting!
Loren says
Great Post Joshua!
As I get older, I have realized that as americans, we have been fed this more is better line for the better part of our lives and it has led to the following revelations:
1 More stuff = More to Manage
2 Removing some of the stuff= a feeling of lightness and freedom
3 Spending less time focusing on getting stuff=More time doing and being (in the moment)
4 Staying away from marketing of stuff=more balanced thinking
5 having everything you hunted for is quickly a disappointment and becomes chains that are bound from each item to you (heavy restrictive feeling)
6 Being who you are and doing what you love is exciting
7 life is for doing, not storing up
8 having a few useful quality items trumps having tons of useless crap
9 envying what others have can be quickly overcome by watching people digging thru a deceased persons items at an estate sale…in the end all that really matters was the experiences your life gave you, the people you loved, and the difference your life made to others…..we learn this as soon as we let go of the stuff and even more foolish envy of others’ stuff, which can be gone in an instant.
Amy Collette says
Thank you for the article!
A wise mentor once told me that what I admired in someone was also present in me, something I may need to nurture. The same goes for envy – it’s an opportunity to examine how to better take care of ourselves. Number 6 “Celebrate the success of others” goes a long way toward turning that envy energy into a positive.
Laura says
Great article, personally I’ve found that being appreciative of what I have and ensuring I use everything to its full potential are the best ways to overcome jealousy/envy. Asides from this being happy for others and realising that their happiness is something which is well earned (and which should be celebrated) is great for tackling any feelings of dissatisfaction with what myself or others have.
Buffy says
One thing I have found that really helps me when I’m feeling exceptionally envious of others is to ask myself “What would I have to give up now to have what they have?” It’s just a little different take on counting your blessings & being grateful, but it really helps to remind me that all things come at a cost and many times the cost (which isn’t always monetary) is far greater than I’m willing to pay for having what someone else has.
Becca says
Very well thought out, Buffy. That is an eye opener!
Anna says
Great point! Thanks..
Robyn says
Wow thank you! I just stumbled upon this, but your words put a lot in perspective. brought tears to my eyes actually. Thank you!
Angela says
I needed this post, #3 was just what I needed! Since my husband & I have been trying to invest in memories not stuff, it’s been very difficult with almost all our friends.
They don’t have the same goals, and it’s difficult to make all new friendships overnight. I find myself getting frustrated and falling back into consumerism when we spent time with our old friends.
we’ve been decluttering stuff, maybe it’s time to declutter some friendships ):
http://capturingsimplicity.wordpress.com/