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“Envy is ignorance.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
Very few people would argue for the positive influence of jealousy & envy in our lives. In fact, most of us can quickly recognize the importance of learning how to stop being jealous. And we’re all aware of jealousy and envy’s effects:
- They foster discontent and distress.
- They bind our freedom.
- They lead to resentment and bitterness.
- They cause us to do things we wouldn’t normally do.
- They can spiral into depression.
And yet, the wasted emotions of envy and jealousy continue to be present in our lives. It is a constant battle that wars against our heart and soul. We experience envy over other peoples’ appearance, talents, relationships, and bank accounts. It offers no positive contribution to our lives. Yet, it remains.
It is time to break free. Certainly, each of us desire to live in freedom from jealousy and envy.
Here’s how to stop being jealous.
1. Shift your focus to the goodness in your life. One of the biggest reasons we envy the life of another is because we have begun to take our blessings for granted. Count them again. You are talented. You are gifted. You are cared for. You are unique. Your life is too valuable to be lived like everyone else. You have countless reasons to be grateful for the life you have been given. Remind yourself again.
2. Remind yourself that nobody has it all. Stop comparing your life with others. It is always a losing proposition. There will always appear to be people who have it better than you. But remember, we always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions we make about others. Be reminded, nobody has it all. Each person you meet experiences problems, trials, and weaknesses–just like you. This is what makes us human. Nobody is exempt. Nobody has it all. Nobody.
3. Avoid people who habitually value the wrong things. If you spend all your time with people who compare the latest fashions, you are going to start desiring the latest fashions. If you spend all your time with people who talk about their salaries, their new cars, or their extravagant vacations, you are going to naturally fall into the inevitable trap of comparing your possessions to theirs. But there are far more important things to pursue. Remove yourself from the conversation (and the relationship if necessary).
4. Spend time with grateful people. Gratitude is highly contagious–that is why I spend time reading Tammy Strobel. You can read gratitude in almost every word she writes. Find grateful people who experience contentment in their lives and spend quality time with them. You can find them online or you can find them in person. But the more you invest your time with them, the more their spirit will become yours… and soon, others will desire what you have.
5. Understand that marketers routinely fan the flame. One of the most effective tools for advertisers in our culture is to foster jealousy and envy among us. After all, if they can cause us to recklessly desire the possessions of another, they can drive us to great lengths to acquire it for ourselves. Be on guard against their tactics. Recognize them. Avoid them. And refuse to succumb to their deception.
6. Celebrate the success of others. Genuinely and practically, rejoice in the fortune of others. When somebody receives something that you desire, be happy for them. If you wanted it, they probably did too. Stop viewing life as a competition. Joy is not a finite resource. And the moment you learn to experience happiness in others’ joy is the day you take a huge step to overcoming envy once and for all.
7. Be generous. Even if you have to force yourself into it at first, make generosity an essential habit in your life. Give your time. Give your finances. Give your abilities, talents, and skills. Volunteer in your community. Support a cause that promotes social justice. And get your hands dirty. As you begin to spend more time and more energy with those who have less than you, the more you will find fulfillment and meaning. And when you do, the allure of another’s person life will quickly fade away.
Both jealousy and envy have held us hostage for far too long. It is time, once and for all, to break free from jealousy & envy and experience a more fulfilled life because of it.
Image: Yashna M
The fact that I came looking for an article like this says that I might be ready to fight these negative feelings. Very crisp and well written, has definitely given me some guiding principles. Thanks !!
I would like to share a personal breakthrough I discovered in being envious of others. I think we have to accept that although envy does originate from within ourselves, this is likely to be exactly what the person we are envious of wants. I think we have to realise that with the prevalence of today’s modern materialistic lifestyle, some people are so selfish they actually aim to get others to envy them, and don’t care about the negative emotional consequences in the envious. I think I’ve been personally struggling to understand that the key is that it is not all my fault. Rather my fault is being naïve in not realising that the creation of envy in other people is their aim. I think envy has a strong spiritual dimension and we can’t think we have failed as a person because we don’t compare to someone else. What really helped me was to think some positive assertions along the lines: “NO, I will not give you the recognition you want. NO, I will not give you the envy you want. NO, I do not want the selfish lifestyle you have. You are selfish, insecure and immature, and you can keep it all. God has given me all I need and I want nothing of yours…”
Winston, good for you….I wish you all the best, many times we will experience pain. And as many would say, pain eventually makes you stronger, but not quick enough for most people. Life will always have ups and downs, but at least you know that most pain is temporary…..Take Care.
Winston. I really like your story I hope I can breakthrough to this monster feelings I have (envy)
I came from poor family and then get married. Luckily I married a hard working man that always provide in anyway he can and his parents are been loving parents in law to me. They had given me so much love and materials stuff. Now we’re living in this materialistic world,fb,Instagram etc. Everybody you see have a fabulous life. Since I became a mother which I always wish for coz infertility prob. It’s miracle I have one. Now I have to budget I have to cut a lot of things,bills is more now coz we are family of 3 now. I feel envy to those who travel,have more money etc. I know this is a sin from God and I’m praying that God will help me to cure this monster coz I hate it. It makes me depress and not thankful for everything I have. Now. I always think something missing.
By reading your comment here it helps me to open my mind. I turn off all my social media account.
BTW Goodluck and God bless.
Thank you for sharing your helpful realization!
????????????????????????good choice!
I like your post. It’s a great reminder. What I want is the feeling of gratitude, more than even the success that others have.
I’ve found that I’ve shifted from a place of envy to a place of aspiration. Now I’ve never really been much of a materialistic person, but I am all too familiar with wishing for things (vacations, financial freedom, time with family, etc.) and feeling that it’s beyond my reach. When I see people modeling behavior, success, and happy relationships, I evaluate it for why it works and how they’re going about it. Then I try putting some of these things into practice myself. Rather than feeling envious of them, I see them as an example that I can learn from. People have the things they have because they’re doing things that make that possible. If I observe and learn, then I can try their approaches out for myself. There’s no need to be envious when I have the ability to accomplish these things myself. It’s a matter of belief, determination, and will (or rather, having behaviors and thoughts that SUPPORT our goals [which many of us don’t ever take the time/belief to formulate]).
Hi Ashley,
I like your response and I could not agree more. This response is such a blessing and inspiration to me. Thank you for your wise words.
I have desires but only to be successful at what I do. I am happy when people are successful. Not everyone is happy for me. I’m mostly faced with competition. I don’t want to compete with anyone. I just want to enjoy my blessings
Ashley –
I think you are spot on. Those people are doing something to get whatever it is. People offend miss this very important part and think people are handed something because they don’t know all that is involved. I have often found that people want something (materialistic or other) but are often not willing to do what it takes to get it. It usually requires more than they ever imagined.
Ashley, YES. Spot on.
I love this article. Very wise advice. I completely get this, and wish more would follow these guidelines for a more fulfilling life. Thanks for sharing!
Hi, my jealousy/envy doesn’t relate to material possessions because I have long ago got onboard with the minimalist lifestyle and don’t equate my happiness with stuff. However I am extremely envious of people that have/ had a supportive family. I am now 29 and was left to support myself from age 16, I come from a large family but I have no close relationships with any of them, I have a few good friends but not a best friend as such, I do have a fiancé of 7 years and he is great but sometimes I feel like it’s not enough. I really wish I had a family to be proud of my achievements (I have achieved so much, travelled to 30+ countries, built a successful career and am just about to graduate with a degree) or a family to help me plan my wedding or even just be a part of mundane everyday life- a phone call to ask how I am or a visit to my house for coffee. It saddens me, makes me damn angry at times that I don’t have this. Especially because these people actually exist and I feel that I have reached out to them and tried to build relationships with them and I have so much to offer them in return but I get nothing from them. I have wondered at times, can I treat these pretty much nonexistent relationships as I would some material thing? When is right to clear the clutter of old, toxic, relationships? I don’t have old junk cluttering my home/ wardrobe etc so why keep hold of these burdensome relationships that make me feel bad, don’t add value to my life etc. if these were the qualities used to describe a material thing it would be obvious to get rid of it. I’ve looked on your site before for an article about this but most seem to relate to material things so if you have any thoughts I’d love to hear them. Thanks
Jane, I know this is a small gesture, but know that there are many in your shoes. I have made my mind up to be as good of parent and grandmother as possible. So that’s my say on that.
I have found that no matter how hard a person tries, they can only give 50% in a relationship. Cuz there are two people..each having to give atleast Something.
I have adopted theory that the people we need in our lives will present themselves, might not be family, but close friends. I have close friends, but only my boyfriend really understands me and I can tell him everything.
Hi Jane, I’ve read your story and can somewhat relate to how you may be feeling. But I must say that you are doing a great job with your career and accomplishments, and maybe that may be really important for you right now. Being that you are not totally alone (boyfriend) makes me wonder if he is the only person you will need for right now. You have been to 30 countries, that’s really great, but I can’t help but wonder, if there going to be something coming up in your life that we sweep you off your feet. Will your future blossom into something extraordinary, and you may need to stay really focus right now. Or maybe you can’t see the big picture yet….but you do have your boyfriend, and that’s a good thing. Don’t worry things will happen as they should for you, one step at a time. You are welcome to email me if you wish….Take Care.
I feel the same way you do about having a few really good friends but never first for any of them.
Me too????????????????????????
Maybe if you werent obsessed with Travelling everywhere, studying and being the best you would have had the time to build these relationships.
Many people succeed without family atall and less, your just jealous because you want people around you saying how great you are all the time. You have several things alot of people want yet your whining about not having people around to tell you well done.
I feel bad for your Fiance, 7 years and you feel it’s not enough.
Wow, that’s harsh.
Claude, your comment was harsh, and really unnecessary. There are more constructive ways at getting your point across than belittling people. It just goes to show you that no one has it all, NO ONE. I repeat this phrase to myself almost daily, and sometimes several times a day. Like the article states counting the blessings you do have, and doing it frequently, is one of the best ways to counteract envy. As ironic as it may seem, after reading this article, I couldn’t help but feel envious of those that are free from envy. Envy is viscious!
This comment is most unkind. U sound very bitter, why? Your comment has not helped the poster in any way.
I am so sorry that you struggle with this. I can relate so much. I come from a large family, left home at 16 and also have no meaningful kin reationships. I read you post and felt as though I was looking in a mirror. I have raised two young kids who are now.teens. I have a wonderful husband, but nowere and no one to share holidays with and such. I am surrounded by peers who have active aunt, uncle and grandparents to love their children and support them as families. It does hurt. Over the years it does get better, but the longing is there at times. No one deserves this kind of loss. You are right about there being little out there to read on how to cope. Hope it gets better for you. I hope you can shift your focus to have the opportunity to make your wedding day special and unique and most if all FUN!
I know how you feel…but indeed what is true is that everyone has something missing…for me is the romantic relationships. I’ve always tried to find someone but it seems so difficult. I feel lonely and that makes me feel envious of people that has this part of their lives fulfilled. I broke my heart several times and until now I don’t know what to do to meet the person I’ve always dreamed of.
I am 20 yrs old boy. Unfortunately life led me to an infatuation with 37 year old, unmarried, beautiful lady. I am at extremes. When emotions dawns in me then I remain of nowhere. I had to unfriend that lady from FB as I cant see her posts (photos with others). She didn’t know this. When She talk with others, taking selfies with others. I feel inferior. She lives far away from my city. I met her once in camp. Stayed 4 days with her and feel in infatuation…. plz have me some sound & strong way to come out of it.
It is easy to be a minimalist at 29. It is harder at 39, 49, 59 . . . . As you get older life gets more expensive.
I could have written all of this, I could be you were it not for the fact that I am 75 years old and nothing has changed for me since I was 29. I wish I could be indifferent to just about everyone; it hurts so much not to be wanted, not to be loved.
Hey Jane, I can relate to you a lot. One thing I have realized though that has helped me a lot is that when people aren’t reaching out to you, don’t take it personally and blame your self. You do what you can do, but at the end it is the other people’s choice, so move forward and don’t let them hold you back. You don’t have to proof to them or anyone else that you are worth their affection. Just keep being you knowing that you are so much worthy, valued and treasured deeply in the eyes of God. No matter what you have done or will do, his love and presence never abundant. Also, realize that sometime people that are not your family can become so supportI’ve and loving. :)
Naturally you’re sad about missing out of support from families and close friendship. I think it is important to mourn the love you didn’t get from your original family. I did not get it either. It is always a scar in my soul. I think you should allow youself to mourn. And to express your grief to others in small amounts. Not in a envy hostile way, but explain and open up yourself. Many people had the same experiences but put up a brave face, or keep up the facade. Telling others about yourself can be a gift that makes other open up. And tell others that you get a little jealous, in a nice perhaps joking way. . I mean any person likes to be envied at times. Don’t try to be a perfect and angelical. We all are envious, have our scars, so let’s support eachother, talk more about us not being perfect. Tear down the facades together. If you feel you can be yourself with others you will feel less lonely and envious. Accept your unperfect past! But realise you’are in command of your future. Don’t mix up your past with Now or the Future. And remember, as Celione Dion once sang, as science shows, love comes to those who believes it. So feelings of togetherness and being supported comes from willingness to recieve and being able to be wulnerable. Love!
Hi jane, please visit the churches of chist in your area. Everyone is welcome with love in this spiritual family. The greatest relationship you’ll find here is with Jesus and His church.
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I agree with everything in the article except one thought. Support a cause that supports social justice. Social justice is nothing but envy. I cannot support social justice.
you’re thinking of SJWs
Godliness and contentment is a great gain
Thank you for this article and for the comments too. These are indeed very helpful lessons.
The person driving the brand new car may live in a dump and have car payments. The person wearing the new high end fashions may have credit card debt up the wazoo. The person in the mega mansion may have to work 2 jobs to make the payments and never have time to enjoy their beautiful home. The next time you envy something, ask yourself what would you give up to have what they have? Basically, in the end it’s all just stuff and stuff cannot love you back. Life is not a competition- s/he who has the most stuff wins. Not true. Do not lay up for yourselves treasures of the earth, where moths corrupt and thieves break in and steal. New clothes become dated and out of style. Cars rust and fall apart. New homes eventually get old. All this desire for “new and improved” and “stuff” seems to me a lack of confidence and conviction of one’s personal worth. Do not let things define who you are.
This article has helped me to get over my issues between my friend and I.
I felt anything I could do he could do 10 x better which in most instances he was although after speaking to him I realised he suffers from depression .
Please people remember nobody has it all.
thank you so much! for this very beautiful article.
I spent years trying to achieve someone else’s lifestyle. Full of jealousy! I never earned enough money. I was a failure because I couldn’t live in the best part of town and because I drove a small economy car. I was angry I was a single mom on a single income. I couldn’t compete with the people I worked with, my family, the people I chose to see.
Then one moment changed my life….a very cold, snowy day. I was driving home from work and I saw an older woman standing at the bus stop. Her coat did not look warm enough for the snowy weather, no snow boots or hat and who knows how long she was going to have to stand there waiting. Cold. And it was like God reached down and shook me!! And I thought “how dare you!!” I had enough of everything!! Warm enough clothes…an apartment to live in…a car that runs…food…and much, much more! How dare I be ungrateful for these things!!
I choose to see other people now. I choose to see those who aren’t as fortunate as I have been! It’s helps me understand that I am blessed beyond measure!! Sure, I still get jealous plenty, like when a beautiful SUV pulls up next to my 11 year old Sentra. But I try to keep things in perspective.
Very nice article.I really feel jealous when something I really wanted and I didn’t get but others get, especially success in exam or career,I feel jealous or rather I start feeling see how smartly they think or work or plan whatever.Why am I not able to think like that…
You know this feeling is really irritating,I just tell myself so many times by getting jealous I am not getting anything, just be happy for them and concentrate on your own work.But I really want to get rid of this feeling.
I agree with the observation that Facebook itself can lead to envy. Most do not post their hardships. We present the happy side of our life. I must remind myself that those posting the island vacations, etc. also have trials, weaknesses and hardships. Our ‘connected’ society has made it too easy to compare our lives with so many others.
i really enjoyed this post as it poses a really good point. And it’s true – complimenting and celebrating other people’s joy and success really does help to conquer envy. Great post. Thank you for teaching me very valuable lessons.
thanks very much… this post will be of great help to me. i hope am able to break free and live happy lifestyle. each the points has enlighten me. the biggest problem is me feeling inferior everywhere i find myself ….
Hi Mims, I’m in a similar position to you…I think it is hard when you get to a certain stage in your life not to compare yourself to others but I think you need to look at things differently and recognise you are following your own path and everyone else is following theirs. Focusing on myself and what I really want to achieve helped me and I tried to look at it another way. What if this is my time to do all the amazing things I want to do? You could meet someone next week and that could be you forever! Maybe this is your time to be you!
I think it’s also good to view your life as being about you not ‘you but not yet with somebody’. Try and not look for someone to save you and give you the things you want…go out and make the most of you and where you are right now. And you will meet new friends too who are also on different journeys :-)
all you say is very true. but… try not to envy others when you’ve got cancer and they’re healthy
Great article! I struggle hugely with jealousy at the moment…. I am in my early thirties, most of my friends are settling down, getting married and having babies, whereas I seem to go on date after date, with no success. I know that a relationship doesn’t necessarily equal happiness, but it’s something I want so so much. If anyone else out there has worked through similar stuff I’d love to hear from you!
Still working on it ! Thanks you continuing to remind us!
Hi, Joshua
I love the end of your article most! Give more and then one will be fulfilled! Keep up with your excellent writings!
some who used to live in China
I am not sure if it strictly reflects the meanings of each word but I distinguish slightly between envy (wishing you had what someone else had) and jealousy (resenting the fact that the other person has it). Both can be negative but as some have explained above, envy can be interpreted constructively as a a flag up to something you want to focus more on in your life or something in you that wants to be expressed whereas I think jealousy involves wishing ill on your fellow man which I think is a very negative emotion and one which should be addressed immediately.
Thanks for the insightful article!
I distinguish jealousy as a fear of losing someone and envy is a wanting of something or someone you do not have.
Thanks!
Another good way to stop being envious is to make compliments to people you envy! Works great!
How am I supposed not to envy, when the difference between the quality of life that somebody else enjoys and my very own life is so huge? I know that envy is not a helpful emotion, but at least it signals me that there are things that other people have that I need too!
For example: Imagine one person is depressed because he hasn’t established a stable position in life (career, family…), has never had a intimate relationship and is generally very often alone. This person goes out for a walk in the streets of his city, just to see many young, happy and/or beautiful people who enjoy a sunny day with their friends(partners. What is this lonely person supposed to feel?
Conclusion:
More often than not, the feeling of envy is justified, because it’s a feeling of not having the ESSENTIAL things in life, while seeing that others enjoy these very basic things: for example intimate relationships or a stable social environment of friends. This makes one feel alienated, like you are not normal and you wonder why you are so different, why you don’t have a partner or no friends. It’s a feeling of not participating in life to the same extent as others, a feeling of injustice!!!
Hi Ike
I totally agree with you. However the only thing I’d say is, each of those people were probably, at least a little bit alienated at some point.
To find a partner especially – it very rarely just falls into someone’s lap and if it is, it’s often not quite the right person, some years down the track. Each of those people you see with a partner, generally they have made some effort to get to that point.
It’s similar with friends; many ppl grow out of their friends and have to start again. Believe me, you are not the only one. Life is not easy for people like us, but we are the stronger for it. Try to see that each person’s life has its own pros and cons.
Kind regards