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“Envy is ignorance.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
Very few people would argue for the positive influence of jealousy & envy in our lives. In fact, most of us can quickly recognize the importance of learning how to stop being jealous. And we’re all aware of jealousy and envy’s effects:
- They foster discontent and distress.
- They bind our freedom.
- They lead to resentment and bitterness.
- They cause us to do things we wouldn’t normally do.
- They can spiral into depression.
And yet, the wasted emotions of envy and jealousy continue to be present in our lives. It is a constant battle that wars against our heart and soul. We experience envy over other peoples’ appearance, talents, relationships, and bank accounts. It offers no positive contribution to our lives. Yet, it remains.
It is time to break free. Certainly, each of us desire to live in freedom from jealousy and envy.
Here’s how to stop being jealous.
1. Shift your focus to the goodness in your life. One of the biggest reasons we envy the life of another is because we have begun to take our blessings for granted. Count them again. You are talented. You are gifted. You are cared for. You are unique. Your life is too valuable to be lived like everyone else. You have countless reasons to be grateful for the life you have been given. Remind yourself again.
2. Remind yourself that nobody has it all. Stop comparing your life with others. It is always a losing proposition. There will always appear to be people who have it better than you. But remember, we always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions we make about others. Be reminded, nobody has it all. Each person you meet experiences problems, trials, and weaknesses–just like you. This is what makes us human. Nobody is exempt. Nobody has it all. Nobody.
3. Avoid people who habitually value the wrong things. If you spend all your time with people who compare the latest fashions, you are going to start desiring the latest fashions. If you spend all your time with people who talk about their salaries, their new cars, or their extravagant vacations, you are going to naturally fall into the inevitable trap of comparing your possessions to theirs. But there are far more important things to pursue. Remove yourself from the conversation (and the relationship if necessary).
4. Spend time with grateful people. Gratitude is highly contagious–that is why I spend time reading Tammy Strobel. You can read gratitude in almost every word she writes. Find grateful people who experience contentment in their lives and spend quality time with them. You can find them online or you can find them in person. But the more you invest your time with them, the more their spirit will become yours… and soon, others will desire what you have.
5. Understand that marketers routinely fan the flame. One of the most effective tools for advertisers in our culture is to foster jealousy and envy among us. After all, if they can cause us to recklessly desire the possessions of another, they can drive us to great lengths to acquire it for ourselves. Be on guard against their tactics. Recognize them. Avoid them. And refuse to succumb to their deception.
6. Celebrate the success of others. Genuinely and practically, rejoice in the fortune of others. When somebody receives something that you desire, be happy for them. If you wanted it, they probably did too. Stop viewing life as a competition. Joy is not a finite resource. And the moment you learn to experience happiness in others’ joy is the day you take a huge step to overcoming envy once and for all.
7. Be generous. Even if you have to force yourself into it at first, make generosity an essential habit in your life. Give your time. Give your finances. Give your abilities, talents, and skills. Volunteer in your community. Support a cause that promotes social justice. And get your hands dirty. As you begin to spend more time and more energy with those who have less than you, the more you will find fulfillment and meaning. And when you do, the allure of another’s person life will quickly fade away.
Both jealousy and envy have held us hostage for far too long. It is time, once and for all, to break free from jealousy & envy and experience a more fulfilled life because of it.
Image: Yashna M
Jim says
Still working on it ! Thanks you continuing to remind us!
Ni says
Hi, Joshua
I love the end of your article most! Give more and then one will be fulfilled! Keep up with your excellent writings!
some who used to live in China
Jiillii says
I am not sure if it strictly reflects the meanings of each word but I distinguish slightly between envy (wishing you had what someone else had) and jealousy (resenting the fact that the other person has it). Both can be negative but as some have explained above, envy can be interpreted constructively as a a flag up to something you want to focus more on in your life or something in you that wants to be expressed whereas I think jealousy involves wishing ill on your fellow man which I think is a very negative emotion and one which should be addressed immediately.
Thanks for the insightful article!
Amy says
I distinguish jealousy as a fear of losing someone and envy is a wanting of something or someone you do not have.
Nikolay Perov says
Thanks!
Another good way to stop being envious is to make compliments to people you envy! Works great!
Ike says
How am I supposed not to envy, when the difference between the quality of life that somebody else enjoys and my very own life is so huge? I know that envy is not a helpful emotion, but at least it signals me that there are things that other people have that I need too!
For example: Imagine one person is depressed because he hasn’t established a stable position in life (career, family…), has never had a intimate relationship and is generally very often alone. This person goes out for a walk in the streets of his city, just to see many young, happy and/or beautiful people who enjoy a sunny day with their friends(partners. What is this lonely person supposed to feel?
Conclusion:
More often than not, the feeling of envy is justified, because it’s a feeling of not having the ESSENTIAL things in life, while seeing that others enjoy these very basic things: for example intimate relationships or a stable social environment of friends. This makes one feel alienated, like you are not normal and you wonder why you are so different, why you don’t have a partner or no friends. It’s a feeling of not participating in life to the same extent as others, a feeling of injustice!!!
Isla says
Hi Ike
I totally agree with you. However the only thing I’d say is, each of those people were probably, at least a little bit alienated at some point.
To find a partner especially – it very rarely just falls into someone’s lap and if it is, it’s often not quite the right person, some years down the track. Each of those people you see with a partner, generally they have made some effort to get to that point.
It’s similar with friends; many ppl grow out of their friends and have to start again. Believe me, you are not the only one. Life is not easy for people like us, but we are the stronger for it. Try to see that each person’s life has its own pros and cons.
Kind regards
Laura says
Facebook itself has been associated with people feeling their lives aren’t measuring up compared to others causing envy and depression. I struggle with this myself. It’s hard to remember that it isn’t “real”.
john says
yeah, me too.
:-)
Jim says
I’ve found myself envy and being jealous of other people, I envy different people, other than the ones I find myself jealous of, but nevertheless, I’ve realized it now, and will work on overcoming it! Thank you for writing about this!
olawaye Julius ojo says
These articles are educative, envy could be termed as having sorrow on the inside over what someone have that we do not have. This is a global mallady that is timeless right from the beginning between Cain and Abel in the Bible.
john says
and it so consumed Cain that he murdered his own brother. Envy really makes you rotten, makes you feel rotten.
olawaye Julius ojo says
your article have been intriguing, educating and nice at teaching people on broad subject of good human relation.
Steven Blake mba says
Regarding point 2. Their is a wonderful story about the Spice Girls at the height of their career discussing money. One asks the group “what would you all do if you were rich”. To which came the response, “but we are”. A moments thought later she says “Yes, but were not Elton John rich”!