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“Envy is ignorance.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
Very few people would argue for the positive influence of jealousy & envy in our lives. In fact, most of us can quickly recognize the importance of learning how to stop being jealous. And we’re all aware of jealousy and envy’s effects:
- They foster discontent and distress.
- They bind our freedom.
- They lead to resentment and bitterness.
- They cause us to do things we wouldn’t normally do.
- They can spiral into depression.
And yet, the wasted emotions of envy and jealousy continue to be present in our lives. It is a constant battle that wars against our heart and soul. We experience envy over other peoples’ appearance, talents, relationships, and bank accounts. It offers no positive contribution to our lives. Yet, it remains.
It is time to break free. Certainly, each of us desire to live in freedom from jealousy and envy.
Here’s how to stop being jealous.
1. Shift your focus to the goodness in your life. One of the biggest reasons we envy the life of another is because we have begun to take our blessings for granted. Count them again. You are talented. You are gifted. You are cared for. You are unique. Your life is too valuable to be lived like everyone else. You have countless reasons to be grateful for the life you have been given. Remind yourself again.
2. Remind yourself that nobody has it all. Stop comparing your life with others. It is always a losing proposition. There will always appear to be people who have it better than you. But remember, we always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions we make about others. Be reminded, nobody has it all. Each person you meet experiences problems, trials, and weaknesses–just like you. This is what makes us human. Nobody is exempt. Nobody has it all. Nobody.
3. Avoid people who habitually value the wrong things. If you spend all your time with people who compare the latest fashions, you are going to start desiring the latest fashions. If you spend all your time with people who talk about their salaries, their new cars, or their extravagant vacations, you are going to naturally fall into the inevitable trap of comparing your possessions to theirs. But there are far more important things to pursue. Remove yourself from the conversation (and the relationship if necessary).
4. Spend time with grateful people. Gratitude is highly contagious–that is why I spend time reading Tammy Strobel. You can read gratitude in almost every word she writes. Find grateful people who experience contentment in their lives and spend quality time with them. You can find them online or you can find them in person. But the more you invest your time with them, the more their spirit will become yours… and soon, others will desire what you have.
5. Understand that marketers routinely fan the flame. One of the most effective tools for advertisers in our culture is to foster jealousy and envy among us. After all, if they can cause us to recklessly desire the possessions of another, they can drive us to great lengths to acquire it for ourselves. Be on guard against their tactics. Recognize them. Avoid them. And refuse to succumb to their deception.
6. Celebrate the success of others. Genuinely and practically, rejoice in the fortune of others. When somebody receives something that you desire, be happy for them. If you wanted it, they probably did too. Stop viewing life as a competition. Joy is not a finite resource. And the moment you learn to experience happiness in others’ joy is the day you take a huge step to overcoming envy once and for all.
7. Be generous. Even if you have to force yourself into it at first, make generosity an essential habit in your life. Give your time. Give your finances. Give your abilities, talents, and skills. Volunteer in your community. Support a cause that promotes social justice. And get your hands dirty. As you begin to spend more time and more energy with those who have less than you, the more you will find fulfillment and meaning. And when you do, the allure of another’s person life will quickly fade away.
Both jealousy and envy have held us hostage for far too long. It is time, once and for all, to break free from jealousy & envy and experience a more fulfilled life because of it.
Image: Yashna M
Calum Elrick says
This article has helped me to get over my issues between my friend and I.
I felt anything I could do he could do 10 x better which in most instances he was although after speaking to him I realised he suffers from depression .
Please people remember nobody has it all.
jerknight says
thank you so much! for this very beautiful article.
Erin says
I spent years trying to achieve someone else’s lifestyle. Full of jealousy! I never earned enough money. I was a failure because I couldn’t live in the best part of town and because I drove a small economy car. I was angry I was a single mom on a single income. I couldn’t compete with the people I worked with, my family, the people I chose to see.
Then one moment changed my life….a very cold, snowy day. I was driving home from work and I saw an older woman standing at the bus stop. Her coat did not look warm enough for the snowy weather, no snow boots or hat and who knows how long she was going to have to stand there waiting. Cold. And it was like God reached down and shook me!! And I thought “how dare you!!” I had enough of everything!! Warm enough clothes…an apartment to live in…a car that runs…food…and much, much more! How dare I be ungrateful for these things!!
I choose to see other people now. I choose to see those who aren’t as fortunate as I have been! It’s helps me understand that I am blessed beyond measure!! Sure, I still get jealous plenty, like when a beautiful SUV pulls up next to my 11 year old Sentra. But I try to keep things in perspective.
Tanu says
Very nice article.I really feel jealous when something I really wanted and I didn’t get but others get, especially success in exam or career,I feel jealous or rather I start feeling see how smartly they think or work or plan whatever.Why am I not able to think like that…
You know this feeling is really irritating,I just tell myself so many times by getting jealous I am not getting anything, just be happy for them and concentrate on your own work.But I really want to get rid of this feeling.
Susan says
I agree with the observation that Facebook itself can lead to envy. Most do not post their hardships. We present the happy side of our life. I must remind myself that those posting the island vacations, etc. also have trials, weaknesses and hardships. Our ‘connected’ society has made it too easy to compare our lives with so many others.
Bryanna says
i really enjoyed this post as it poses a really good point. And it’s true – complimenting and celebrating other people’s joy and success really does help to conquer envy. Great post. Thank you for teaching me very valuable lessons.
nana ama says
thanks very much… this post will be of great help to me. i hope am able to break free and live happy lifestyle. each the points has enlighten me. the biggest problem is me feeling inferior everywhere i find myself ….
Jiillii says
Hi Mims, I’m in a similar position to you…I think it is hard when you get to a certain stage in your life not to compare yourself to others but I think you need to look at things differently and recognise you are following your own path and everyone else is following theirs. Focusing on myself and what I really want to achieve helped me and I tried to look at it another way. What if this is my time to do all the amazing things I want to do? You could meet someone next week and that could be you forever! Maybe this is your time to be you!
I think it’s also good to view your life as being about you not ‘you but not yet with somebody’. Try and not look for someone to save you and give you the things you want…go out and make the most of you and where you are right now. And you will meet new friends too who are also on different journeys :-)
Baba Yaga says
all you say is very true. but… try not to envy others when you’ve got cancer and they’re healthy
Mims says
Great article! I struggle hugely with jealousy at the moment…. I am in my early thirties, most of my friends are settling down, getting married and having babies, whereas I seem to go on date after date, with no success. I know that a relationship doesn’t necessarily equal happiness, but it’s something I want so so much. If anyone else out there has worked through similar stuff I’d love to hear from you!