Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Sam Lustgarten of Frugaling.
“All ads do the same: create an anxiety relievable by purchase.” ―David Foster Wallace
Over the last year-and-a-half, I’ve worked to reduce expenses, increase income, and refrain from consumeristic rewards (i.e., shopping sprees and dinners). I’ve opted for more empowered life directions of self-reflection and growth.
My methods have been rather boring: focusing on the important and refraining from buying “wants.” These aren’t ingenious ideas, and you’ve probably read them countless times before.
Despite my methodical approach, I’m imperfect. And one aspect of my life continuously challenges these efforts: dating.
As a single graduate student in a small, Midwestern town, it’s been difficult to find relationships. Both my schedule and avenues for meeting people are severely restricted; at least, during academic semesters. Additionally, my budget is tight every month—deviations quickly lead to debt. It’s a wicked combination.
With these apprehensions, I’ve cautiously taken to trying out the online dating world; in particular, Tinder. In case you haven’t heard about or used it, Tinder is a Millennial-friendly dating app for smartphones. Users are tasked with one job: swipe one direction or another (left for “nope” and right for “like”) to find a match. It can be superficial and vapid, but also, reflective of in-person judgments.
If both users swipe right — hallelujah! — there’s a match and they can now message each other. If there ever was a minimalist dating app, this is it. There’s no profile to read or questions to fill out—only the faces of potential dates.
Remarkably, my nerdy self matched up with a few people over the last couple months. But before any of those “matches” could turn into dates, I pondered my life and presentation. What would I wear? My closest of clothing feels stale. How much would I share about being a frugal minimalist? I feel cheaper than cheap. Where would we go to eat, drink, and/or talk that was also in the budget? My budget is difficult to maintain even without dates. How many of these dates could I even afford? Not many!
These questions course through me like never before, and I oscillate between pride and embarrassment for this new way of life. Part of me feels the blush against my cheeks, as I admit to a potential date that I’m frugal and cannot afford much on my budget. The other piece notices the powerful changes I’ve made that have revolutionized my budget and financial future.
Dating has a way of making me fear what others think of my new mores. Two weeks ago I went on a first date that made me question my motivation for frugality and minimalism. And it all started with my hair.
The dinner date was going well, and there was a gentle, sarcastic banter back and forth. I looked into her eyes, and wondered what she would think about my habits. Would we be compatible? Then, these mental explorations were cut short by my date’s question.
“Where do you get your hair cut?” she asked.
I stroked my hand over a newly-buzzed head of hair and confidently replied, “I did it!”
Little did she know, but I’d been cutting my hair for years. While I don’t have the full range of styles, I get the job done and can’t beat the price: a $20 hair clipper purchased in 2009.
Suddenly, showing all the surprise and disgust of someone eating an old, brown, past-due pistachio, she exclaimed, “Well, that’s the last hair cut you ever give yourself. It’s time for you to grow up and go to a real barber!”
I felt hurt and insulted. How could she say that to me? Did it really look bad? I immediately felt defensive.
Afterwards, I went home and sat down for a while—reviewing my reactions. Her comment felt similar to an advertisement. What this person in front of me was saying was that I didn’t fit her model of a man. Even more, she was suggesting that I should spend money in the process to purchase what I was lacking. It seemed oddly familiar.
Don’t corporations try to do the same thing?
Marketing teams work tirelessly to propagate popular culture norms and set the standard for beauty, wants, and various products that will make you the “best a man can get.”
Websites, movies, and magazines bombard us with messages that compel us to consume. Advertisements punctuate “breaks,” but hook us into staying at full volume for a taste of the “good life.”
Instead of being hurt, degraded, and insulted by commercials, I’m often passive. But why do I (and we) let ourselves idly accept messages from multinational corporations that we wouldn’t desire in casual conversation? Why can I (and we) know this will be the first and last date, but not do the same with commercials? When is enough, enough?
Fortunately, there is power in our response. Next time, notice your feelings when viewing an advertisement say something about who you are. Realize your emotions (“I’m sad”) are only thoughts (“I’m having thoughts of sadness”). Pause to reflect on this difference between the two.
Thoughts provide distance to read the ongoing, bombarding ticker tape that is our daily experience. With this emotional review, we can more mindfully turn off the response to spend and find that we were always enough—buzzed haircut and all.
***
Sam Lustgarten blogs at Frugaling.org where he helps others save for tomorrow while enjoying today. You can also follow him on Twitter.
Annie says
This was a great post. It made me laugh because my husband pays relatively little for his haircuts, ($12 in NYC), but often I have to fix it when he gets home, and it was done by a professional! I tease him that he’s such a cheap b@$+@&d, but I really don’t care. He’s warm, loving, kind, caring, funny-as-all-get-out, and makes the best roast chicken in the world for me. That’s why we’ve been married 17+ years and still going strong. Just be patient and be yourself, there’s a real smart woman out there who will know a good thing when she sees it!
Regina says
Great piece, lots of wisdom here. And don’t feel bad about the haircut. I could see myself saying something like that when I was in my early 20s, but nearing 40, my perspective is a little broader. I’m curious, did you tell her a little about your approach to living frugally? Good luck on the dating scene!
Breanne says
Sam,
Thanks for sharing! I hope the rest of your date was better than that comment! I used to help my ex cut his own hair all the time, and I never found it weird or thought it would ever be a thing people would read into until now! Hopefully it was just that she was nervous and didn’t know what to say. (?)
I agree with some of the others about Tinder. It pretty much welcomes the shallow, and thus, more superficial.
Your website and articles sound like you really have your values in order. Maybe take a look at what you’d like in a relationship, and go from there. Want someone to laugh with? Join an improv group! Want someone as aspirational as you? Join a young professionals group! Want someone athletic? Join a rec league! A reader? Join a book club… You get the picture. You may not meet someone immediately, but you could meet through new friends, etc. Any time I’ve been on online dating sites, it has been forced awkward situations (which makes for great bad date stories when you do find someone you like), and has made me wonder why I put myself through it. And it’s a time and money investment! In my experience, the best times to meet people are when you’re in your element, having fun, and actually comfortable being single when you meet people you connect with.
You should be proud that you seem to have it figured out more than most guys our age. Stick true to yourself– you’re just ahead of the curve!
Calgary says
Breanne,
“the best times to meet people are when you’re in your element” – well said! I believe that if people approached find a partner the same way that they find friends they’d be much more successful.
Susan says
I’m impressed that you made the connection between her statement and mass marketing. I absolutely hate commercials and rarely watch tv these days because of it. My hubby was watching football the other day and a commercial came on that showed a bunch of recognizable “rivals” getting along and enjoying a lunch together. I got so mad because my 3yo daughter became interested in the ad. I looked at her and said, “This a commercial that is using all your favorite characters to sell you something. Don’t watch it.” I know it sounds crazy to say that to a little girl but I was sooo MAD. That is the only feeling I have when I watch commercials.
Maybe instead of dating, you should try hanging out with like-minded people. Find a minimalist Meetup group or something. Hey, you could even start one.
Amanda says
Sam – don’t change! Not only has my husband used clippers to cut his own hair for the last 14 years, he cuts mine, too (not with clippers, thank God…lol)! Now granted, I have long curly hair and a little crookedness doesn’t show, BUT I have literally saved hundreds of $ over the last few years. You will find a like-minded saver girl who appreciates your frugality. :)
Kate says
Sam,
I found OkCupid to be the most minimalist form of online dating for me because by tailoring my profile and match questions I was able to eliminate all the people I wasn’t really compatible with (there are lifestyle match questions about frugality and how much someone values appearances and money).
It’s free, and I was quickly able to weed out all the racists, homophobes, people who follow strict gender roles, people who were always chasing money, people who didn’t share my ideas of happiness, etc. I still went on a date with a guy who thought Temple of Doom was the best Indiana Jones movie, but hey, no system is perfect.
Tinder would’ve wasted my time with people who I wasn’t really compatible with, it’s minimalist in design but not in practice.
Let me know if you’d like a couple of tips for OkCupid, I got to know the site inside and out.
Best,
Kate
Laura McKanna says
Sam Thank you for this post. I’m 61, married woman and have been cutting my own hair for +20 years. My husband ‘buzzes’ his hair. We rarely eat out (literally like 3 times a year). I take the bus to work (we went to 1 car for a long time). We cut cable and have a large antennae in the attic and use netfilx. I don’t even have a smart phone… even though I’m a computer programmer. We are VERY happy this way! We put our 3 boys thru college without loans and now saving like crazy for retirement. Keep being who you are. Sometimes I get a little comment now and then from our secretary who makes fun of me not going to the salon, but then I get a few compliments from people because I set my hair the old fashioned way and don’t give in to ‘fads’. I’m totally content being who I am. You will find that girl at the right time. She will appreciate your being frugal believe me! Don’t ever settle for anything less than someone who truly appreciates you .. you deserve only the best!
Brian H. says
Dude,
I love guys like you who have their $@it all together in life, and happy go lucky, etc…
I would date you, well that is if you liked guys…
I goto free concerts & events at the local library, attend meetups art drawing groups (not an artist) but I am enjoying drawing and being with other people.
People can say the nastiest things, I try to let it all roll off my muscular back.
Cheers Bro & Happy Minimalist New Year!!!!
Tasmanian Minimalist says
Well that certainly helped put things in perspective for you. If that sort of thing bothered her, she’s definitely not the one for you. I give you three cheers.
Rebecca says
Sam,
I say be who you want to be. Buck the system. It is her loss after all. You will find someone (it may just take a lot of time) that sees the world almost the same way you do. If you need help watch FightClub. Just try to avoid the Marla’s if possible lol.
Sam @ Frugaling.org says
Rebecca,
That’s so amazing… You mentioned my absolute favorite film — Fight Club! I try to watch it once a year or so, and re-read the book when I can. The messages are potent and powerful, and each time I watch it I realize why I should be saving more, doing less, and minimizing my life.
Thanks for that reminder,
Sam