Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Sam Lustgarten of Frugaling.
“All ads do the same: create an anxiety relievable by purchase.” ―David Foster Wallace
Over the last year-and-a-half, I’ve worked to reduce expenses, increase income, and refrain from consumeristic rewards (i.e., shopping sprees and dinners). I’ve opted for more empowered life directions of self-reflection and growth.
My methods have been rather boring: focusing on the important and refraining from buying “wants.” These aren’t ingenious ideas, and you’ve probably read them countless times before.
Despite my methodical approach, I’m imperfect. And one aspect of my life continuously challenges these efforts: dating.
As a single graduate student in a small, Midwestern town, it’s been difficult to find relationships. Both my schedule and avenues for meeting people are severely restricted; at least, during academic semesters. Additionally, my budget is tight every month—deviations quickly lead to debt. It’s a wicked combination.
With these apprehensions, I’ve cautiously taken to trying out the online dating world; in particular, Tinder. In case you haven’t heard about or used it, Tinder is a Millennial-friendly dating app for smartphones. Users are tasked with one job: swipe one direction or another (left for “nope” and right for “like”) to find a match. It can be superficial and vapid, but also, reflective of in-person judgments.
If both users swipe right — hallelujah! — there’s a match and they can now message each other. If there ever was a minimalist dating app, this is it. There’s no profile to read or questions to fill out—only the faces of potential dates.
Remarkably, my nerdy self matched up with a few people over the last couple months. But before any of those “matches” could turn into dates, I pondered my life and presentation. What would I wear? My closest of clothing feels stale. How much would I share about being a frugal minimalist? I feel cheaper than cheap. Where would we go to eat, drink, and/or talk that was also in the budget? My budget is difficult to maintain even without dates. How many of these dates could I even afford? Not many!
These questions course through me like never before, and I oscillate between pride and embarrassment for this new way of life. Part of me feels the blush against my cheeks, as I admit to a potential date that I’m frugal and cannot afford much on my budget. The other piece notices the powerful changes I’ve made that have revolutionized my budget and financial future.
Dating has a way of making me fear what others think of my new mores. Two weeks ago I went on a first date that made me question my motivation for frugality and minimalism. And it all started with my hair.
The dinner date was going well, and there was a gentle, sarcastic banter back and forth. I looked into her eyes, and wondered what she would think about my habits. Would we be compatible? Then, these mental explorations were cut short by my date’s question.
“Where do you get your hair cut?” she asked.
I stroked my hand over a newly-buzzed head of hair and confidently replied, “I did it!”
Little did she know, but I’d been cutting my hair for years. While I don’t have the full range of styles, I get the job done and can’t beat the price: a $20 hair clipper purchased in 2009.
Suddenly, showing all the surprise and disgust of someone eating an old, brown, past-due pistachio, she exclaimed, “Well, that’s the last hair cut you ever give yourself. It’s time for you to grow up and go to a real barber!”
I felt hurt and insulted. How could she say that to me? Did it really look bad? I immediately felt defensive.
Afterwards, I went home and sat down for a while—reviewing my reactions. Her comment felt similar to an advertisement. What this person in front of me was saying was that I didn’t fit her model of a man. Even more, she was suggesting that I should spend money in the process to purchase what I was lacking. It seemed oddly familiar.
Don’t corporations try to do the same thing?
Marketing teams work tirelessly to propagate popular culture norms and set the standard for beauty, wants, and various products that will make you the “best a man can get.”
Websites, movies, and magazines bombard us with messages that compel us to consume. Advertisements punctuate “breaks,” but hook us into staying at full volume for a taste of the “good life.”
Instead of being hurt, degraded, and insulted by commercials, I’m often passive. But why do I (and we) let ourselves idly accept messages from multinational corporations that we wouldn’t desire in casual conversation? Why can I (and we) know this will be the first and last date, but not do the same with commercials? When is enough, enough?
Fortunately, there is power in our response. Next time, notice your feelings when viewing an advertisement say something about who you are. Realize your emotions (“I’m sad”) are only thoughts (“I’m having thoughts of sadness”). Pause to reflect on this difference between the two.
Thoughts provide distance to read the ongoing, bombarding ticker tape that is our daily experience. With this emotional review, we can more mindfully turn off the response to spend and find that we were always enough—buzzed haircut and all.
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Sam Lustgarten blogs at Frugaling.org where he helps others save for tomorrow while enjoying today. You can also follow him on Twitter.
Alison says
Sorry, here is the comment I meant to post:
Hi Sam, although you’ve come to see the world in a certain way, I think that most people haven’t. I understand why her comment about the barber would offend you, but like you said, maybe remind yourself “I’m feeling offended” and know that she is seeing the world through a different lens.
Over the years my partner has expanded my world view immensely. What didn’t work: lecturing and defending his views. What did work: asking me questions about my own beliefs and gently presenting other points of view. I resisted, as many people would when shown such points of view and lifestyle options, but I liked him as a person, so we worked through it, and I think I matured. So I guess you need both that initial attraction, and a partner willing to understand you and the world better. Maybe make your frugality part of your mystique instead of worrying that it will put people off, be proud of it, and the right woman will be proud of it as well, once she gets it.
Alison says
Hi Sam, although you’ve come to see the world in a certain way, I think that most people haven’t. I undertsand why her comment about the barber would offend you, but like you said, maybe remind yourself “I’m feeling offended” and know that she is seeing the world through a different lens. Over the years my partner has expanded my world view immensely. What didn’t work: lecturing and defending his views. What did work: asking me questions about my own beliefs and gently presenting other points of view. I resisted, as many people would when shown such points of view and lifestyle options, but I liked other things about him, so we worked through it, and I think I matured. So I guess you need both that initial attraction, and a partner willing to understand you. Maybe make your frugality part of your mistique.
Green Girl says
Interesting… I have long hair and I decided to cut it myself recently. Not just the length, but add nice layers also. It was the best my hair has ever looked. My husband even said that I’m always coming out of the salon complaining that I didn’t like how they cut it. I felt I had no control, while also shelling out $50+ sometimes! Now, I cut my husband’s hair and he is very happy with it.
Also, as for cheaper dating, why don’t you suggest coffee? Even for business meetings, I don’t like being distracted with eating food when I’m trying to build a relationship.
Tonya@Budget and the Beach says
What what a shallow thing for her to say!! I do know what you mean about dating and being on a budget. And it kind of must be harder for men because in all honestly, while I don’t expect a five course dinner, I would expect a guy to pay for the first couple dates…even if it’s just coffee. But it’s more than that…its upkeep, clothing, hair..and this is the part I think gets more expensive for girls. People can say that looks don’t matter but let’s be honest here, right? So it’s very tricky to navigate the two things: fugal and dating. For me, I’ve backed off caring about dating and just focusing on bettering myself and being happy…and hopefully the rest will fall into place. And if it doesn’t so be it!
Calgary says
It’s interesting that you would expect your date to pay for the first few dates. My friends and I have always operated under the assumption that the person who initiates the date pays – whether it’s the man or woman. Perhaps we do it differently in Canada, and perhaps that’s why so many of my dates in San Fran were surprised when I took care of the bill.
sarah robinson says
my husband and i often have the discussion of what it means to be neat and comely and yet not fall into the trap of MORE. I cut his hair (buzz) and I think he would look better if he grew it out and had it professionally cut, but it is not worth it to us. I have a friend, though, who needed a new job in his forties and with early graying of his hair he was persuaded to color it for job interviews. Yes that seems wrong to us frugal people, but when it comes to first impressions it may be worth it to kick your style up a notch. As for dating, though, you need to attract a woman with similar values, that is different than a job interview in a lot of ways. So keep cutting your hair. A woman who values what you do will see beyond that. Just make sure you are not asking out women with perfectly coiffed hair. Maybe you need to rethink who you are attracted to and why. Or maybe not. You are probably doing it all right.
Golden Girl says
This is a very insightful article. I’m long past the age of responding to advertisements for clothes, beauty products, and gadgetry; I simply don’t care about those things anymore, and I’m well aware that my self-worth isn’t shaped by the purchase of any particular product. I’m horrified by the Big Pharma ads targeting my cohort – the Boomers – which make it sound like we are all falling apart from a variety of syndromes and ailments that we need to “ask our doctor about” and appeal to the tiny (or not so tiny) neurotic voices within us. I notice those ads, for some reason, and as you suggest, I do notice my emotions in response. I think my face gets the old pistachio look you speak of, as a matter of fact.
I’ve got to believe there are young women in your community who share your desire to live frugally and wouldn’t be put off by a home haircut. With all the dating sites out there, perhaps it’s time to start one specifically for those interested in a minimalist lifestyle.
Keep living in a way that is consistent with your values and vision!
Delabelle says
Thank you for sharing your story. She obviously isn’t the girl for you. You made me think about how the things we say can be so insulting. I bet she didn’t think twice of what she said and probably didn’t realize the impact of her words. It would be awesome if the app would allow you to tell a little about yourself. Good luck and I enjoyed your post!
http://www.delabellesbeautyblog.com
Daisy @ Simplicity Relished says
You are so right. Ads play to our insecurities and urge us to quell them with money. And it must never work, because ads continue to get us even after we do what they tell us to. You’re also right that refusing to give in to such a gullible consumer mentality is a difficult battle. The pressure to keep up is real. But I think we can experience enough joy in letting those things go that it’s still worth it. Thanks for sharing this!
Andrew says
I cut my own hair and people don’t believe me. It is the best $20 investment you man make at Costco :)
Amy says
I’m sorry that girl was so rude on your date. I remember when I was in college and graduate school there were many frugal dates. I found by suggesting dates like go for a walk, a picnic, a potluck, free sporting event on campus, cheap or free play/concert on campus, or make a meal at home or a friend’s house that I could weed out a lot of the materialistic jerks.
I met my husband while we were in graduate school at a friend’s birthday party at a bar. Since I was the DD the bar gave me free soda all night We met up at the coffee house for our first date, cost me all of $3 for our drinks. That was one of our more expensive dates. Are there any slow food groups there near your campus? That could be a place to meet people with a similar lifestyle.