“Where there is love there is life.” ― Mahatma Gandhi
People who choose minimalism as a lifestyle may face any number of doubters – these may be friends, colleagues, or parents. But what do you do when the biggest doubter of all is usually your biggest supporter? When the person you have chosen to live life with the closest, doesn’t see the benefits to your decision? When the person you love the most doesn’t support the new you? And the fact that you live together only complicates the issue… you share one space and so does your stuff.
When my wife and I decided to become a minimalist, we agreed together to pursue this new lifestyle. But, we’ve still had plenty of disagreements along the way about how much stuff to unload, how much stuff to keep, and how our purchasing habits would change. Our two most common areas of disagreement seem to revolve around clothing and children’s’ toys. Because we are not always on the same page, we have learned to compromise together.
But what should be done when your partner is on the complete opposite side of the spectrum – you are pursuing minimalism but your partner is a self-described hoarder or packrat. What steps can help these two lifestyles coexist?
1. Refuse to let stuff separate you. I have heard from a number of people who have taken steps to minimize their life, but in the process, they have become so frustrated with their partner that they have allowed strife and resentment to set in. Refuse to let that happen. Remember, you chose minimalism for a reason – most likely, you chose minimalism because you were frustrated with material things cluttering your life and preventing you from truly living it. You decided that you valued other things more than your possessions… like relationships with the people you love. If that is the case, it would be foolish to allow things (even if they are your partner’s) to again come between you and your most treasured relationship. Your loved ones are just too important. Realize that you can’t change someone else. Instead, rest patiently being assured that 50% minimalism is better than 0%.
2. Begin by purging your personal items. Resist the temptation to remove your partner’s belongings without permission. Start with your own stuff and minimize as much as you can without treading on shared territory. You may be surprised how much clutter you can remove from your home just by removing your own things.
3. Let your example speak for itself. Certainly, explain to your partner why you have chosen a minimalist lifestyle. But as much as you desire to debate and verbally convince your partner to choose it too, your actions will always speak louder than your words. Allow the benefits of your clutter-free life to do their own convincing. A clean, clutter-free side of your closet will always be far more convincing than a thorough explanation of the 80/20 principle. And a refreshingly stress-free desktop or nightstand will begin to look very attractive to your partner the first time they misplace something important.
4. Find common ground. Likely, there are some commonly used areas in your home that you can both agree need some uncluttering. Whether it be a junk drawer, a linen closet, the kitchen counters, or the garage, even the worst of hoarders can typically come to the rational conclusion that something can be better organized (no matter how small the area). Ask your partner about specific areas in your home that you would like to declutter. You just may be surprised how verbally supportive they can be when you get specific about what you would like to accomplish.
5. Be patient. Remember, one of the greatest markings of love is patience.
6. If the refusal to minimize their possessions is systemic of deeper issues, tread wisely. It is very possible that there may be some deep heart wounds that are causing your partner to be a hoarder. Your partner may be insecure and find their security in the things that they own. Your partner may have such a strong desire to impress others that they depend on their belongings for their purpose. Or their hoarding may be a symptom of OCD or another medical disorder. In any case, the correct step is to tread lightly and find your partner the support and help that they need.
Further Reading
Peggy says
I love to see empty spaces, but some people seem to need to fill every empty space. Seems like everytime I clear out stuff, someone else fills it. I always remind my kids that they can throw it all away after we are gone. I find people have a hard time getting rid of other peoples things once they pass away.
di says
For years, I kept storing things in the attic. One day, I realized that it may not be worth the time and effort to sell it. Thereafter, I quickly gave it all away.
Karen says
A very timely message for me too. I had already been cutting back on Stuff before my bf moved in. Unfortunately, it’s hard to benefit from the open space achieved by decluttering when his clutter fills it in again. When I voice it, he respects my request for him to move his stuff, but quickly his things “drift” again. Sigh.
Karen says
(Just adding that BF is not a hoarder. He uses all of the things that he has (with the exception of paperwork he keeps forever), but likes to have specialty tools for everything he does. He doesn’t like the “multipurpose” concept.)
di says
Honesty and independence are rare. Most people have acquired varying degrees of deceit and manipulation. It’s difficult to really know someone until you actually live with them. Once you do know, it’s your decision as to whether or not you wish to stay and tolerate the undesirable habits of another.
Michelle says
What do you do when you are ready to give something up and others pressure you to keep it. I was given a wonderful gift by my friends in college. They corresponded with my mother and got her assistance on the purchase – it was quite expensive for my group back then. I have the letters, pictures of the occasion, and fond memories of the time. It was nearly thirty years ago, and the gift has sat in my basement in a box for the last 17 years since I moved to this house. I wanted to sell or donate it, and my husband and mother freaked out! I tried to explain that my fondness for my friends hadn’t changed, but I didn’t need the gift to remember that! Needless to say, gift is still sitting in my basement 3 years after this.
Sally says
It’s yours, you can accept that your husband and mother have a different view, but as it is yours, you decide.
di says
My boyfriend’s messy junk creates unrest.
There seems to be no place for my things.
Just can’t live like this anymore…
Gabriel says
Hi. I just came across this thread. Its ironic how there only seems to be people trapped in relationships and in hell. Yet most claim becoming a minimalist so they can focus on what is truly important
“People” vs “stuff” .Maybe becoming a minimalist is a way to give yourself the relationship you crave . you want your partner to put you before their stuff and are obviously not. It may seem crass but Im reminded of my cousin who wanted a new lexus but at the time she was making much more than her husband and he told her to respect him by waiting until he made the same amount blah blah.so she heard him out sat and listened to how he felt and came home later that day with her lexus.
That was last year and i still see her smile when she gets in it and she has a cool story to go with it.
Quinn says
This resonates with my partner and I . Pitiful .
Patch says
I am 59 year old female and have been in a relationship with a hoarder for almost 3 years. I am not particularly sentimental, and get rid of things that have no purpose or value readily. I would not call myself a minimalist, but clutter makes my brain shut down. If there is mess everywhere, i can’t get my mind in gear. I love this man very much, but it seems like no matter how much room i give up, how many closets and storage bins i purchase, the clutter grows. I can no longer get my car in the garage. I find myself going to bed when i get home from work because anything else means navigating all the piles. The bottom line, if it’s this bad at 61 (his age), what will my future be. We negotiated space that was all his, but i don’t want a future with him sitting in squalor while i hang out elsewhere. I have asked him to find a place, and he is going to do that. I guess the reason i am writing now is because i am feeling the loss of all his good qualities. When he does clean up, he goes on buying binges and fills up any clear spaces. I am emotionally spent.
Caroline says
Just 3yrs…I’ve had over 30 yrs of this! My husband is EXACTLY the same in his behaviour. I have now agreed to move 300 miles to his hometown in the hope that he will start to sort out the clutter. No sooner do we have space and it is filled with cars/ car parts or other nostalgia that he never uses or even looks at. I have started to try to just put some order to family photographs today and he is accusing me of getting rid of items, yet he is not willing to try to help sort photographs out with me!
It is so emotionally draining…I do know!! I feel quite ill already. I know that he will never clear the house and I fear the result of this! I do not want our boys to inherit the problem but no doubt they will and he will get attention from this. As one of my husbands teacher’s once said “He will do anything for attention”.
di says
Most hoarders are psychologically ill. They need counseling and follow-up.
Jennifer says
The hard thing for me about living with a collector is the example that it sets for our 4 year old son. Our son melts into a pile if he can not find a particular toy, but, yet, he still has toys that are not unboxed from last birthday and christmas. My husband becomes upset when I attempt to rehome these things, part with outgrown clothing (someone in the family may want it some day) and encourage clutter free gifts. i can live with my hubby’s collection of 300 shirts, but do not want my little boy to grown up stressed out by his stuff.
di says
The more I read, the more I wonder how many couples actually come to a compromise. If it’s too stressful, it may be time to consider moving out.
Bee says
Are your boys on the Spectrum? It sounds as if they are. If so, your husband will understand the anxiety his ‘collecting’ causes him, then he has to ask the question ‘do I want to inflict that pain on my boy?’ If the answer is no, then it’s time to lead by example
lynne says
My oldest is an minimalist, everything he owns fits in the trunk of his car. My other child is 14 and lets say she is not. I am showing by example how this lifestyle is a good one. She is not embracing it… YET!
di says
I have a lot of things, but I take good care of them and give many away to those that are struggling.
Eugene says
I would bet a lot of relationships consist of a gatherer and a minimalist. Our marriage of 47 years is such a relationship. I tend to be the minimalist and try to work only on my own stuff. I do at times struggle to see why my wife likes a lot of stuff, so it is difficult. A particular hard area are items that we inherited from our parents or that our children made or gave to us. Both of our parents went through the depression so we heard the stories “you better keep it because,,, I remember well the pain and work of going through our parents possessions and do not want to do that to our children. Some of these possessions are fine, however for me there is a limit.
di says
There’s a limit to everything. Just keep your favorites.
JGM says
I must admit I am the slob at our house. I leave papers about and I do not always get around to things. My Husband and my son are both Autistic so they love to organize by shape, color ect. . I have to learn from them.
For me it’s not things I won’t give up, it’s ideas. I have a cluttered mind and Menopause has not helped. So I am just going to let this soak in for a wile and reach out when I can. This is a big change for me.
KLS says
I must admit… I am the slob at my house also. I read about being a minimalist all the time, and love the idea, but I never get started. Thanks for the article… and the advice!!!
Lynn
di says
Start with a list of what you do want. Then, just discard the rest at Good Will. This is a lot easier than thinking over each individual item.
However, it does require “effort” on your part.
Shannon says
I think I’ve been evolving as a minimalist for the last 10-15 years, I just didn’t know what it was called. But, I’m married to a wonderful man who is very sentimental and have six kids – a few of which have inherited this sentimentalism. When something cannot be found, I’ve often been accused of giving it away or selling it at a garage sale. But I hope that my kids are learning that the most important things in life aren’t things. I’ve learned to compromise and will simply try to organize the items my husband feels a need to save.
di says
I refuse to take care of my boyfriend’s things. Luckily, he keeps most of his things in a back room.
However, he gets angry with me, because I’ll clean the entire house, but never clean his room. I feel like I’m doing more than my fair share, because he rarely works.
How do you convince someone that they need to grow up? Maybe it’s just time to move on…
Marty says
Excellent post for those of us with minimalist leanings and partners with clutterlust. Long ago I made a commitment to “live as long as possible with as little as possible”, and somehow managed to marry a woman with the opposite view of “stuff”. Sigh. Its true, I can only tend to my own belongings. I try to keep the things that are “ours” to a minimum but it isn’t easy. Good to hear I’m not the only one.
di says
If you make space, they can fill it up.