Recently, I was with a friend who was complaining to me she couldn’t afford to replace her cell phone. We were in her newly purchased Toyota Highlander at the time.
On a separate occasion, an acquaintance of mine was lamenting that he didn’t know where he was going to find the money to buy new soccer cleats for his son this summer. We were enjoying dinner at a nice restaurant.
Similarly, another friend recently told me he was unable to financially donate to The Hope Effect when I asked. He assured me he wanted to help and really wished he could. But they had just put a pool in the backyard and were using every spare dime to pay it off.
Still again, I sat chatting with a friend complaining of the overtime hours he had been putting in at work. They are trying to finally get out from under debt they have been carrying for years. Meanwhile, his Facebook feed brags of the season tickets he had just purchased for his favorite Major League Baseball team.
Each time, I bit my tongue. I wanted to share what was on my mind. But I didn’t.
I was probably wrong in my decision not to speak up. I should have been bold and courageous and stated exactly what I was thinking. “Life is too short to not be honest with people,” somebody once told me. But I didn’t. I chose instead to keep my thoughts to myself.
Maybe I’ll say it here—that one thing about money I always want to say but never do.
I won’t write it here because I think any of those people are reading, but because I know others are. And many of us need to be reminded of this important reality:
You would have more money for the things you want if you stopped foolishly wasting it on other things.
In each case above, the person wanted money, but had already spent it elsewhere. My friend could afford to replace her cell phone if she hadn’t purchased such an expensive car. My other friend could have made significant inroads on their family debt if they hadn’t bought season tickets for the summer. And most of us would have more room for generosity and supporting causes we believe in if consumerism wasn’t so prevalent in us.
When we haphazardly spend money on foolish things, we have less remaining for more important pursuits. (tweet that)
This principle also extends beyond purchasing power.
Through a number of odd circumstances, I happened to spend some significant time talking with the friend of a friend recently. The topic of conversation was stress and anxiety. More specifically, the topic was her anxiety which she attributed to their financial circumstances: a burdensome mortgage, a monthly car payment, and not enough financial margin to feel comfortable.
The reason for the stress and anxiety, seemed to me, was not about the unacquisition of sufficient funds. The reason for the stress and the anxiety was the foolish places where their money was going—too big a house, too fancy a car, and too many unintentional purchases in the past.
They had sacrificed peace and calm for square footage and expensive wheels.
With so many circumstances of life outside our control, doesn’t it make sense we’d work hard to control the ones we can? This reality is especially true when it comes to our financial resources.
Our financial situations certainly vary from person to person. And I fully understand that some people struggle financially because of no fault of their own. But I believe the principle stated above extends to a higher percentage of us than you might think.
The greatest mistake we can make is the assumption that our financial lives are entirely outside of our control. They are not. We decide every day where our money is going to be spent.
Intentionally choosing to spend money on the things we truly want is not always easy. It requires a clear designation of the financial reality we wish was true (our desires) and a clear understanding of the reason it is not (our foolish spending habits).
Depending on your financial goals, the application may look something like this:
- I want to get out of debt, I will spend less on eating out.
- I want more money for travel, I must spend less on my housing.
- I want more financial peace, I need to remove my monthly car payment.
- I want more margin for generosity, I must spend less on fashion or furniture or technology.
- I want more ___________ so I need to buy less ______________.
What causes us to lose sight of this simple truth? I’m not sure. But none of us are immune from it. Which is probably one of the reasons it is so difficult to articulate when we see it playing out in another person’s life.
Years ago, my sister-in-law and I were talking about being available to our then-early middle school kids. As a stay-at-home mom, I was extremely available to pick my girls up whenever they were sick and stay home with them, or sit down with them at the table over a snack when they walked in the door after school, etc. She expressed her jealousy over this because she worked almost full-time. I was quiet for a moment and then confessed I was sometimes jealous she had so many new clothes all the time. Then we were BOTH quiet for a moment (lol), but we could conclude together that it clearly had to do with each of us having different priorities. It can be a bit of an uncomfortable conversation, but it certainly helps if you can point that out without sounding like one choice is better than the other – it’s just a matter of being different people and making different choices because we want different things.
It’s about choices. Many people don’t believe they have choices. I have to get the new phone. We have to buy the new car. We must go to the event. It’s about how they believe they will be perceived if they don’t have the flashy car, phone or lifestyle.
Write your top 3-4 priorities on paper. Match your credit card/debit card statement transactions to those 3 or 4 and a column called unmatched. See how many things you’re spending on that don’t align with your priorities.
Intentionality is one of your key words here and I fully embrace that in my lifestyle ! Good article !
I’m beginning to realize it was a good thing I grew up poor and learned that you had to work for something before you got it. So you can’t have everything you want the second you want it? Think you “deserve” to have it all because ads on tv say so? So you put it all on credit, don’t appreciate having it, give it away eventually and probably still paying off the debt long after it’s gone. It’s all rather absurd.
This? Or that? One thing, or the other? How well we all know the feeling, yet as you point out here we can’t have it all. I teach part-time at a university, and I make about minimum wage, yet I have freedom to travel and work in the yard and hike with my dogs. It’s opinion though about what matters. My boss makes more than three times my paycheck and complains about her car payment. It’s all about choices.
You ARE so right with everything I have read. I do try to help people alot and I get shorted of money ! But I have belief that GOD wl help me us out !!!!!!! Ask the HOLY SPIRIT TO HELP YOU AS WELL !!!!!!!! MUST KEEP THE FAITH IN YOUR LIFE !!!!! FOREVER AN EVER !!!!
“With so many circumstances of life outside our control, doesn’t it make sense we’d work hard to control the ones we can?”
Wow
I find that most people are very, very foolish about their money. I once had a friend ask why I didn’t spend more money, saying that I was being too frugal. I retired at 53.
I was shopping many, many years ago at an antique/junk store, and my friend took a shining to a metal fancy gazebo. She asked if I liked it. I said yes.. She looked at me and said, “you think about things before you buy them, right?” As if that was a novelty. I told her yes, I do. Fast forward to today: she is struggling to make ends meet even though her husband had high paying jobs. She has stage 4 lung cancer, and they are borrowing $ from their children to pay bills. It pains me to see the result of greed, and lack of planning.
Go, girl.
I spent money on our son’s educations . Best decision ever . They have both grown into kind , generous , empathetic young men. I didn’t do it because I wanted them to get better , higher paid jobs , I did it because I wanted them to appreciate the gift of learning , hard work and how to live authentic lives . I got a lot of grief from other parents who ‘couldn’t afford’ private education . They were all too busy taking several expensive holidays a year , driving expensive cars and having their nails and hair done all the time . We drove an old car , took one modest holiday a year and my hair and nails looked pretty ordinary ! They’d pull up in their Porsche , fresh from a weekend spa break and moan about how broke they were . I used to laugh my head off ! You have choices in life , use them wisely.
Absolutely right! My parents did the same and it instilled a life long love of learning and growth. My son was accepted to private school today so I will hang on to my 10 year old car a little longer!!
We do exactly the same thing and agree whole heartedly!
For years I have not added many people to my facebook. My 9 year old will be graduating Elementry school soon, so I semi reluctantly accepted requests from a few of his best friends moms, because they won’t all be going to the same middle school. Huge mistake. Ones son just had a birthday and got a $300 nintendo switch, plus every available game. Another, just bought her two boys each their own kayak, and it appears that several others in their class have them too. Fancy ones. The list could go on. These are kids about to start 4th grade.
While I am grateful my sons understand we spend our money differntly and do not have as much as these other families, (right now I only get about 10 hours a week until my 4 year old goes to school next year) I still feel envious and sad and etc. That’s why I am so grateful for the chance to be around like minded individuals, even if only virtually. Posts like this (because this is my dad, my cousin, the girls I work with) remind me I’m not alone, or weird, or the only one biting my tongue.
You don’t need to unfriend those bragging moms, just unfollow and their posts won’t show on your screen.
They won’t know that you aren’t watching their overbearing bragging ?
Social media, I feel, does more harm to our growth and mental health than anything else out there.
Well put.
Article focuses on spending less… how about working towards making more money. It’s a viable alternative most people don’t consider… then you can afford the soccer shoes and the dinner out. It doesn’t mean you have to work overtime. But what if you could get a raise, a better job, a fun side hustle…
Thus adding to your stress level. I did that for years out of necessity to pay off debts my ex had left when we divorced. He not only felt I did’nt deserve 1/2 of his retirement fund ( I never took a dime of that) but said he was too broke to hire his own lawyer, and requested we both use mine. I relented, he walked into the meeting, stating how ” Things we acquired together in our marriage were all his. His reasoning? He made more $ than I did. He left town ( we lived in a small rural town) and never paid a cent on any of the Bill’s that were divided in the Divorce agreement. I was still here, and needed to be able to use the business’ here in town for me & our kids. My eventual 2nd Husband told me he would support me 100%, and to. Chuck all my paychecks towards any and all outstanding debts. I worked two jobs for 3 years and was eventually debt-free. My 2nd Husband took care of my. Kids while I worked that extra job, He already worked full-time. My point? We got all that debt paid off, and I drovevthw same vehicle for the next fourteen years. I was never left stranded , and after those initial first 3 years, we lived virtually debt free, except for a really low house payment, Utilities, and the basics needed upkeep on the vehicles, and our Home. I traded having $ for 24 years with the best guy in the world. I never regretted it. He put God first, our family 2nd, and? Neither myself nor my kids ever felt like we were missing out,…In fact we thrived. 6 months ago we lost him to a rare form of Leukemia, caused by his exposure to Agent Orange.
I would not have changed a thing, except for losing him. He taught myself, and our kids that $ can own you, or you can choose to put your time into people, and that people you love are always more important than the newer car, the latest fashions ( 5 girls, 1 boy) , or live your life a slave to your “wants”, not needs. We repeated that lesson by example to our Grandkids, as are their parents. I have absoloutely no regrets.
My ex went out, took all his $, bought a brand new truck, a brand new Harley, and sits by himself in his perfect little house, alone. He has alienated all his kids, who have tired of his endless complaining, and is drinking himself into an early grave. I know in my heart I was the lucky one.
I hate people complaining about their raw deal in their divorce. You didn’t have to agree and the only person who looks stupid here is you. Grow a pair. FFS.
Agreed. know! I wrapped it up after years of ditching and her slapped and until I told myself , get though it because “It always gets worse before it gets better” IMO
I believe the point of the article is that we make that very mistake. I did it for years, always working toward the next raise to afford the things I thought I was missing out on. That mindset has no point of resolution. It is a self-perpetuating drive to make more, to have more, and ultimately not being present for the very joys in life we are presumably working for. On the other hand, yes, work hard to meet your goals. I’ve worked 80-hr weeks on and off over the years for specific things- a down payment , my son’s college tuition, and so forth; but it’s not healthy as a sustainable life style…for a lot of people. Other apparently thrive on it. Different strokes, right?
Why are you here?
Ouch!
Years ago when my kids were small I used to ask my husband, “what are we doing wrong?”. Most of our friends had more of everything than we did, new cars, boats, expensive vacations. He very smartly replied, “are you kidding? We are doing everything RIGHT.”
We were frugal and living in small spaces before it was popular. As time went on, we realized that there were definitely benefits to our frugal behavior, it just took awhile to see: things our friends were not even close to realizing or even had a chance to make possible because most were living paycheck to paycheck.
Staying home with the kids. Having an emergency fund and retirement account. The ability to say, “I will do this kind of work that is fulfilling, and not that kind of work because I would never see my family.”
Those financial decisions made by most of our friends changed who they could be to their families and friends, changed any path they might want to take in the future. You see, we always had “breathing room”. They did not.
I am thankful for realizing this and thankful that my almost grown children value the discipline of saving and planning for their futures as well.
When I was younger I lived almost the same experience as you. I have no regrets whatsoever. I loved my meaningful work, we lived modestly and within our means, and now we are nearing retirement in food position to enjoy it. Our kids learned the same lessons yours did. They are responsible, kind, and loving. Looking back, I wouldn’t have done it any differently.
It was an absolute pleasure reading your article.
I have been in similar situations and kept wondering the same. A friend of mine just bought a high-end phone and was complaining about the situation at home. And I thought to myself: man, you just bought a new phone.
When it comes to donations, my thought usually would be what if I need the money elsewhere. And one fine day it dawned on me that when it comes to donating for a good cause I will have to make decisions based on today.
This made things so much easier and things have changed so much for the better these days.
In life, all of us have desires. However, prioritizing them and working towards each of them keeping in mind our financial positions is something we have to learn.
I think when a person complains about finances, they are opening themselves, if not asking for a discussion/advise about finances.
Or they just want to complain and get pity. People who want advice are usually more direct in asking for it. Have had my head bitten of dozens of times when people complained and I responded with advice. Now I don’t give it until I get an unambiguous request.
I have to agree with Mark on this one – people (including myself) rarely like getting unsolicited advice. If I mentioned a financial hardship, especially if being solicited for a contribution to a friend’s pet charity, it would NOT mean I was opening myself up to a critique of my financial decisions.
We all make decisions about what is important to us and how we allocate our resources. We each have to live with our decisions.
I never tell friends what they should do with their money (unless they owe me money). It is none of anyone’s business what any of us do with our money, unless it has some impact on them.
Would you want someone telling you that you should get a new car? or that your clothes need updating? or you must get the newest phone?
Of course not…. and it is just as legitimate for someone to tell a minimalist they should spend more as it is for a minimalist to tell them they should spend less.
Unless the person asks for advice, it is wise to simply not discuss money.
100% love this reply!! @Bryin
Just as a minamalist/frugal spender struggles to hear of people spending money on things they don’t understand/or they personally can’t justify, it can be frustrating for those who are willing to spend more freely to make plans with people who won’t spend or who seem unnecessarily tight or cheap. But you accept that it is what it is and move on. Everyone has different priorities in life. Definitely don’t offer the unsolicited advise. If they were asking for advice they would ask. There will be just as many people biting their tongue when they don’t understand why you don’t spend more to get something done properly or have that holiday you need or upgrade the car which keeps needing repairs.
When you are living frugally lavish spending can be hard to process but when you have more money to spend there are things you give yourself permission to splurge on. Again back to the priorities.
Back to the charity thing— if someone’s priority isn’t giving to a charity they will always find an excuse not to.. new pool or not.
This boils down to: own your decisions, make them intentionally, and stop complaining about them! Which is brilliant advice in so many areas! Wouldn’t we all be much less annoying if we all did this?
I really liked this post. I do think it’s hard to be close to people, or become closer, if you are constantly biting your tongue and not saying what you think. Surely there is a gentle and kind way to move the conversation toward greater honesty.
I very much appreciate the message in your article.
All your articles make me slow down and think. Thank you.
I wish I could keep the message in this article in the forefront of my thoughts when I am spending money I think is discretionary.
I need to realize, that for me too, spending money is choosing one thing or activity over another. I can’t afford it ALL.
I read another article some time back that I thought of again when I read your article. The mental image from the first article has stuck with me.
I think it was in the middle of something that Joyce Maynard wrote.
The gist of the story was that she, as a guest in a house noticed how worn and thin the host’s bath and hand towels were. They were clean, fragrant and dried her off as needed, but so worn. The towels perfectly served the function for which they were intended. And, the person seeing and using the towels and writing the article knew that the host could have afforded to buy new towels and she reflected on this.
She also knew that the host had traveled extensively and had enjoyed many cultures and learning experiences. The host had many other beautiful things in her home that she had collected in her travels. Seeing the worn towels in the host’s bathroom made the writer take a hard look at her own spending choices.
The rest of the article was about her realization of the importance of spending your money and time on what you really love, on those things important to you.
I am probably not even close to accurately paraphrasing the piece, but its message stuck with me.
I really like big, beautiful, bright fluffy towels. But do I really need to buy any more?
Probably not. All the towels I have now will probably last me the rest of my life.
But devilishly beautiful colors to match a new shower curtain will beckon.
So, that is my test or wake up call when I am considering an expense.
I think of worn towels.
Do I really need the purchase being considered it or will something I already have fulfill the function/do the job, just as well as the new object?
But I always need reminding to spend consciously.
My thoughts on trying to spend thoughtfully were reinforced when I cleaned out my deceased working class parents’ home. I found their linen closer full of threadbare towels.
I also found that their bank accounts were healthy, their investments were sound and their house and cars were owned outright. They traveled together across the country, as they liked, for a good while in their later years. They were saving monthly on their modest retired income and even still their checking account balance grew each month. (And of all things, they loved to go to the casinos and play the nickel slot machines for entertainment!)
At 70 years old I can agree, (things) don’t make you happy. Right now my husband is still working but we are living on only the money we would receive if he were retired. The rest goes into savings. This gives us peace.
I have begun to clean the clutter out of each room and with all the things you have collected at this age? it isn’t any fun, but honestly, do I want my relatives to have to slave over this task when we are dead?
When push comes to shove keep your photos.
This concept of being purposeful in our spending of money also applies to time. How often do I say I don’t have time for something and when I honestly look at how I’ve spent my time, I have really wasted it on unimportant activities (like mindless tv, etc).
Thank you for your article. I will keep it in mind as I think about what is really important to me when spending time or money.
I think this post is full of assumptions about people. Do you know for a fact all of your friends’ financial decisions? Do you know if your friend’s new Highlander came with a car payment? Maybe it was a gift? Maybe they had scrimped and saved for it? And your friend at dinner–maybe he budgeted for that dinner, but the cleats were an unexpected expense? I think before you start making uninformed judgments about how others spend money (or even making assumptions about how they’ve acquired things), you leave it be unless they are asking for financial advice. Everyone gets frustrated by things that others see as easily avoidable. A little empathy can go a long way. Yes, many do spend in ways that may seem frivolous or even dumb, but it’s also quite possible that you behave and do things that others may see in that same light. Just a thought…
If you will remember in the article, the reason he mentioned these specific friends is because at some point during their correspondence, they complained about their finances. I myself understand the perception vs reality dilemma, because I too, don’t want to be guilty of assumptions based on perception. I have a brand new iPhone 7 that I got for a significant discount during the holiday season that ended up being cheaper than the older version phone that I was intending to by. I live in one of the most expensive cities in America and I’m no stranger to eating out. Someone could easily mistake my situation as one of overspending at first glance.
However, something that’s also true about me is that I work two jobs. I have a full-time job with immense job satisfaction, with low enough monthly expenses that I could live very comfortably on this salary alone. I work a second job however, because I’m actively trying to expedite the repayment of the remaining $10K I have left in student loan debt. No one would ever no these things about me, because I don’t complain about financial issues, and I don’t complain about financial issues, specifically because of the way that I prioritize financial freedom over materialism.
I know people on the other hand who don’t. People who make 3 and 4x my salary, who complain about how they don’t make enough money, yet send $300 to $400 a month eating out alone and who are quick to buy the latest gadget when it comes out. I have no desire to judge these people, none whatsoever. I also have no desire to hear about their financial woes that they feel the need to freely share with me, especially when I imagine how much of a non-issue it could be if they reign in parts of their spending in certain places.