Recently, I was with a friend who was complaining to me she couldn’t afford to replace her cell phone. We were in her newly purchased Toyota Highlander at the time.
On a separate occasion, an acquaintance of mine was lamenting that he didn’t know where he was going to find the money to buy new soccer cleats for his son this summer. We were enjoying dinner at a nice restaurant.
Similarly, another friend recently told me he was unable to financially donate to The Hope Effect when I asked. He assured me he wanted to help and really wished he could. But they had just put a pool in the backyard and were using every spare dime to pay it off.
Still again, I sat chatting with a friend complaining of the overtime hours he had been putting in at work. They are trying to finally get out from under debt they have been carrying for years. Meanwhile, his Facebook feed brags of the season tickets he had just purchased for his favorite Major League Baseball team.
Each time, I bit my tongue. I wanted to share what was on my mind. But I didn’t.
I was probably wrong in my decision not to speak up. I should have been bold and courageous and stated exactly what I was thinking. “Life is too short to not be honest with people,” somebody once told me. But I didn’t. I chose instead to keep my thoughts to myself.
Maybe I’ll say it here—that one thing about money I always want to say but never do.
I won’t write it here because I think any of those people are reading, but because I know others are. And many of us need to be reminded of this important reality:
You would have more money for the things you want if you stopped foolishly wasting it on other things.
In each case above, the person wanted money, but had already spent it elsewhere. My friend could afford to replace her cell phone if she hadn’t purchased such an expensive car. My other friend could have made significant inroads on their family debt if they hadn’t bought season tickets for the summer. And most of us would have more room for generosity and supporting causes we believe in if consumerism wasn’t so prevalent in us.
When we haphazardly spend money on foolish things, we have less remaining for more important pursuits. (tweet that)
This principle also extends beyond purchasing power.
Through a number of odd circumstances, I happened to spend some significant time talking with the friend of a friend recently. The topic of conversation was stress and anxiety. More specifically, the topic was her anxiety which she attributed to their financial circumstances: a burdensome mortgage, a monthly car payment, and not enough financial margin to feel comfortable.
The reason for the stress and anxiety, seemed to me, was not about the unacquisition of sufficient funds. The reason for the stress and the anxiety was the foolish places where their money was going—too big a house, too fancy a car, and too many unintentional purchases in the past.
They had sacrificed peace and calm for square footage and expensive wheels.
With so many circumstances of life outside our control, doesn’t it make sense we’d work hard to control the ones we can? This reality is especially true when it comes to our financial resources.
Our financial situations certainly vary from person to person. And I fully understand that some people struggle financially because of no fault of their own. But I believe the principle stated above extends to a higher percentage of us than you might think.
The greatest mistake we can make is the assumption that our financial lives are entirely outside of our control. They are not. We decide every day where our money is going to be spent.
Intentionally choosing to spend money on the things we truly want is not always easy. It requires a clear designation of the financial reality we wish was true (our desires) and a clear understanding of the reason it is not (our foolish spending habits).
Depending on your financial goals, the application may look something like this:
- I want to get out of debt, I will spend less on eating out.
- I want more money for travel, I must spend less on my housing.
- I want more financial peace, I need to remove my monthly car payment.
- I want more margin for generosity, I must spend less on fashion or furniture or technology.
- I want more ___________ so I need to buy less ______________.
What causes us to lose sight of this simple truth? I’m not sure. But none of us are immune from it. Which is probably one of the reasons it is so difficult to articulate when we see it playing out in another person’s life.
About Joshua Becker
I spent money on our son’s educations . Best decision ever . They have both grown into kind , generous , empathetic young men. I didn’t do it because I wanted them to get better , higher paid jobs , I did it because I wanted them to appreciate the gift of learning , hard work and how to live authentic lives . I got a lot of grief from other parents who ‘couldn’t afford’ private education . They were all too busy taking several expensive holidays a year , driving expensive cars and having their nails and hair done all the time . We drove an old car , took one modest holiday a year and my hair and nails looked pretty ordinary ! They’d pull up in their Porsche , fresh from a weekend spa break and moan about how broke they were . I used to laugh my head off ! You have choices in life , use them wisely.
Absolutely right! My parents did the same and it instilled a life long love of learning and growth. My son was accepted to private school today so I will hang on to my 10 year old car a little longer!!
For years I have not added many people to my facebook. My 9 year old will be graduating Elementry school soon, so I semi reluctantly accepted requests from a few of his best friends moms, because they won’t all be going to the same middle school. Huge mistake. Ones son just had a birthday and got a $300 nintendo switch, plus every available game. Another, just bought her two boys each their own kayak, and it appears that several others in their class have them too. Fancy ones. The list could go on. These are kids about to start 4th grade.
While I am grateful my sons understand we spend our money differntly and do not have as much as these other families, (right now I only get about 10 hours a week until my 4 year old goes to school next year) I still feel envious and sad and etc. That’s why I am so grateful for the chance to be around like minded individuals, even if only virtually. Posts like this (because this is my dad, my cousin, the girls I work with) remind me I’m not alone, or weird, or the only one biting my tongue.
Article focuses on spending less… how about working towards making more money. It’s a viable alternative most people don’t consider… then you can afford the soccer shoes and the dinner out. It doesn’t mean you have to work overtime. But what if you could get a raise, a better job, a fun side hustle…
Thus adding to your stress level. I did that for years out of necessity to pay off debts my ex had left when we divorced. He not only felt I did’nt deserve 1/2 of his retirement fund ( I never took a dime of that) but said he was too broke to hire his own lawyer, and requested we both use mine. I relented, he walked into the meeting, stating how ” Things we acquired together in our marriage were all his. His reasoning? He made more $ than I did. He left town ( we lived in a small rural town) and never paid a cent on any of the Bill’s that were divided in the Divorce agreement. I was still here, and needed to be able to use the business’ here in town for me & our kids. My eventual 2nd Husband told me he would support me 100%, and to. Chuck all my paychecks towards any and all outstanding debts. I worked two jobs for 3 years and was eventually debt-free. My 2nd Husband took care of my. Kids while I worked that extra job, He already worked full-time. My point? We got all that debt paid off, and I drovevthw same vehicle for the next fourteen years. I was never left stranded , and after those initial first 3 years, we lived virtually debt free, except for a really low house payment, Utilities, and the basics needed upkeep on the vehicles, and our Home. I traded having $ for 24 years with the best guy in the world. I never regretted it. He put God first, our family 2nd, and? Neither myself nor my kids ever felt like we were missing out,…In fact we thrived. 6 months ago we lost him to a rare form of Leukemia, caused by his exposure to Agent Orange.
I would not have changed a thing, except for losing him. He taught myself, and our kids that $ can own you, or you can choose to put your time into people, and that people you love are always more important than the newer car, the latest fashions ( 5 girls, 1 boy) , or live your life a slave to your “wants”, not needs. We repeated that lesson by example to our Grandkids, as are their parents. I have absoloutely no regrets.
My ex went out, took all his $, bought a brand new truck, a brand new Harley, and sits by himself in his perfect little house, alone. He has alienated all his kids, who have tired of his endless complaining, and is drinking himself into an early grave. I know in my heart I was the lucky one.
I believe the point of the article is that we make that very mistake. I did it for years, always working toward the next raise to afford the things I thought I was missing out on. That mindset has no point of resolution. It is a self-perpetuating drive to make more, to have more, and ultimately not being present for the very joys in life we are presumably working for. On the other hand, yes, work hard to meet your goals. I’ve worked 80-hr weeks on and off over the years for specific things- a down payment , my son’s college tuition, and so forth; but it’s not healthy as a sustainable life style…for a lot of people. Other apparently thrive on it. Different strokes, right?
Ouch!
Years ago when my kids were small I used to ask my husband, “what are we doing wrong?”. Most of our friends had more of everything than we did, new cars, boats, expensive vacations. He very smartly replied, “are you kidding? We are doing everything RIGHT.”
We were frugal and living in small spaces before it was popular. As time went on, we realized that there were definitely benefits to our frugal behavior, it just took awhile to see: things our friends were not even close to realizing or even had a chance to make possible because most were living paycheck to paycheck.
Staying home with the kids. Having an emergency fund and retirement account. The ability to say, “I will do this kind of work that is fulfilling, and not that kind of work because I would never see my family.”
Those financial decisions made by most of our friends changed who they could be to their families and friends, changed any path they might want to take in the future. You see, we always had “breathing room”. They did not.
I am thankful for realizing this and thankful that my almost grown children value the discipline of saving and planning for their futures as well.
When I was younger I lived almost the same experience as you. I have no regrets whatsoever. I loved my meaningful work, we lived modestly and within our means, and now we are nearing retirement in food position to enjoy it. Our kids learned the same lessons yours did. They are responsible, kind, and loving. Looking back, I wouldn’t have done it any differently.
It was an absolute pleasure reading your article.
I have been in similar situations and kept wondering the same. A friend of mine just bought a high-end phone and was complaining about the situation at home. And I thought to myself: man, you just bought a new phone.
When it comes to donations, my thought usually would be what if I need the money elsewhere. And one fine day it dawned on me that when it comes to donating for a good cause I will have to make decisions based on today.
This made things so much easier and things have changed so much for the better these days.
In life, all of us have desires. However, prioritizing them and working towards each of them keeping in mind our financial positions is something we have to learn.
I think when a person complains about finances, they are opening themselves, if not asking for a discussion/advise about finances.
Or they just want to complain and get pity. People who want advice are usually more direct in asking for it. Have had my head bitten of dozens of times when people complained and I responded with advice. Now I don’t give it until I get an unambiguous request.
I have to agree with Mark on this one – people (including myself) rarely like getting unsolicited advice. If I mentioned a financial hardship, especially if being solicited for a contribution to a friend’s pet charity, it would NOT mean I was opening myself up to a critique of my financial decisions.
We all make decisions about what is important to us and how we allocate our resources. We each have to live with our decisions.
I never tell friends what they should do with their money (unless they owe me money). It is none of anyone’s business what any of us do with our money, unless it has some impact on them.
Would you want someone telling you that you should get a new car? or that your clothes need updating? or you must get the newest phone?
Of course not…. and it is just as legitimate for someone to tell a minimalist they should spend more as it is for a minimalist to tell them they should spend less.
Unless the person asks for advice, it is wise to simply not discuss money.
This boils down to: own your decisions, make them intentionally, and stop complaining about them! Which is brilliant advice in so many areas! Wouldn’t we all be much less annoying if we all did this?
I really liked this post. I do think it’s hard to be close to people, or become closer, if you are constantly biting your tongue and not saying what you think. Surely there is a gentle and kind way to move the conversation toward greater honesty.
I very much appreciate the message in your article.
All your articles make me slow down and think. Thank you.
I wish I could keep the message in this article in the forefront of my thoughts when I am spending money I think is discretionary.
I need to realize, that for me too, spending money is choosing one thing or activity over another. I can’t afford it ALL.
I read another article some time back that I thought of again when I read your article. The mental image from the first article has stuck with me.
I think it was in the middle of something that Joyce Maynard wrote.
The gist of the story was that she, as a guest in a house noticed how worn and thin the host’s bath and hand towels were. They were clean, fragrant and dried her off as needed, but so worn. The towels perfectly served the function for which they were intended. And, the person seeing and using the towels and writing the article knew that the host could have afforded to buy new towels and she reflected on this.
She also knew that the host had traveled extensively and had enjoyed many cultures and learning experiences. The host had many other beautiful things in her home that she had collected in her travels. Seeing the worn towels in the host’s bathroom made the writer take a hard look at her own spending choices.
The rest of the article was about her realization of the importance of spending your money and time on what you really love, on those things important to you.
I am probably not even close to accurately paraphrasing the piece, but its message stuck with me.
I really like big, beautiful, bright fluffy towels. But do I really need to buy any more?
Probably not. All the towels I have now will probably last me the rest of my life.
But devilishly beautiful colors to match a new shower curtain will beckon.
So, that is my test or wake up call when I am considering an expense.
I think of worn towels.
Do I really need the purchase being considered it or will something I already have fulfill the function/do the job, just as well as the new object?
But I always need reminding to spend consciously.
My thoughts on trying to spend thoughtfully were reinforced when I cleaned out my deceased working class parents’ home. I found their linen closer full of threadbare towels.
I also found that their bank accounts were healthy, their investments were sound and their house and cars were owned outright. They traveled together across the country, as they liked, for a good while in their later years. They were saving monthly on their modest retired income and even still their checking account balance grew each month. (And of all things, they loved to go to the casinos and play the nickel slot machines for entertainment!)
At 70 years old I can agree, (things) don’t make you happy. Right now my husband is still working but we are living on only the money we would receive if he were retired. The rest goes into savings. This gives us peace.
I have begun to clean the clutter out of each room and with all the things you have collected at this age? it isn’t any fun, but honestly, do I want my relatives to have to slave over this task when we are dead?
When push comes to shove keep your photos.
This concept of being purposeful in our spending of money also applies to time. How often do I say I don’t have time for something and when I honestly look at how I’ve spent my time, I have really wasted it on unimportant activities (like mindless tv, etc).
Thank you for your article. I will keep it in mind as I think about what is really important to me when spending time or money.
I think this post is full of assumptions about people. Do you know for a fact all of your friends’ financial decisions? Do you know if your friend’s new Highlander came with a car payment? Maybe it was a gift? Maybe they had scrimped and saved for it? And your friend at dinner–maybe he budgeted for that dinner, but the cleats were an unexpected expense? I think before you start making uninformed judgments about how others spend money (or even making assumptions about how they’ve acquired things), you leave it be unless they are asking for financial advice. Everyone gets frustrated by things that others see as easily avoidable. A little empathy can go a long way. Yes, many do spend in ways that may seem frivolous or even dumb, but it’s also quite possible that you behave and do things that others may see in that same light. Just a thought…
If you will remember in the article, the reason he mentioned these specific friends is because at some point during their correspondence, they complained about their finances. I myself understand the perception vs reality dilemma, because I too, don’t want to be guilty of assumptions based on perception. I have a brand new iPhone 7 that I got for a significant discount during the holiday season that ended up being cheaper than the older version phone that I was intending to by. I live in one of the most expensive cities in America and I’m no stranger to eating out. Someone could easily mistake my situation as one of overspending at first glance.
However, something that’s also true about me is that I work two jobs. I have a full-time job with immense job satisfaction, with low enough monthly expenses that I could live very comfortably on this salary alone. I work a second job however, because I’m actively trying to expedite the repayment of the remaining $10K I have left in student loan debt. No one would ever no these things about me, because I don’t complain about financial issues, and I don’t complain about financial issues, specifically because of the way that I prioritize financial freedom over materialism.
I know people on the other hand who don’t. People who make 3 and 4x my salary, who complain about how they don’t make enough money, yet send $300 to $400 a month eating out alone and who are quick to buy the latest gadget when it comes out. I have no desire to judge these people, none whatsoever. I also have no desire to hear about their financial woes that they feel the need to freely share with me, especially when I imagine how much of a non-issue it could be if they reign in parts of their spending in certain places.
It frustrating dealing with those friends sometimes. Especially when jealousy comes in.
A year ago we took a small vacation and went to Disney World for 3 days. A friend of mine said “I wish I could take my family to Disney World.” My response was “Didn’t you just put yourself in debt for $4000 bed because you ‘needed’ it? We all choose how to spend our money.”
Another thing to consider… having a larger family sometimes means less money for other things you would like. The same friend who complain about not having enough money to go on a trip to Disney World, has chosen to have three children. (My husband and I have one child.) Going on vacation as a family of five can sometimes be almost twice as expensive as going on a vacation as a family of four because of hotel room limits.
Oh Joshua, I’ve been there too, and am quite surprised I haven’t bitten my tongue off by now. Great post.
Last summer a co-worker’s car air conditioning wasn’t working. So she bought a new to her used car.
The things I hear my coworkers spend money on, and order lunch / go out several (or all) days a week, but don’t have money for other things. I’ve learned to just keep quiet.
At the same time, sometimes there is more to their motivation. Maybe those season tickets are a family tradition, and the son/daughter now buys them to spend time with their parent/sibling/kids.
I try to not judge acquaintances and offer suggestions to friends if asked.
I’m a working mother and I have this equation:
Money=time spent earning away from my kids
It helps me be very selective with what I spend on, so that I understand the true value of money, and what it costs me to acquire . It also helps me explain to my daughters (6 and 7) why buying more stuff isnt going to buy them happiness, just more work time for mom away from them! They get it, and usually pick mom time over anything else!
Thanks for your article. The finance problem is always a complex problem and makes everyone feel a headache. The best we need have the concrete plan.
I’ve gotta say, this article irked me. Minimalist or maximalist, peoples spending decisions are their own, who are you to judge?
Personally, I don’t see it as judging, but as pointing out a logical fallacy. It is a logical fallacy to say “I don’t have enough money” when anything you are purchasing is a want, and not a need. I supervise staff, and recently had one ask for a raise, partly because he was experiencing financial hardship. This person really does believe that he needs more money, but does not look at his expenses and evaluate what are true needs. I have heard about his monthly car lease, while I drive a 19 year old car. I have heard about the $200 per child he spent on Christmas presents, while I spent about $45. By choice. I totally could spend $200 on my kids – I just choose not to. I don’t think it’s judgmental to say “you should evaluate what you are spending and saying.”
We are a non-profit, so every dime is designated for something. If I give this person a raise, that money goes from client needs to this person’s car lease. This article may not be appropriate for me as the supervisor to share with my staff, but I sure do wish they would run across it on their own.
All that to say, people’s spending decisions ARE their own, until they start affecting other people.
Emma, there are very few people in this world who can actually afford to be a maximalist. So the discontent with how people spend their money breeds complaining and whining, like 3-year-olds. People just do not want to deal with the consequences of their financial decisions. Those of us who choose to spend our money on what’s important get tired of hearing people complain about their consumerism habits.
Everybody wanted to blame the banks when people got loans for much more than they can afford on a house. But honestly, the consumer is more to blame because they should’ve known what they can comfortably afford. And look what happened as a result.
So people being maximalists do hurt the economy for EVERYONE.
When people complain to you about their problems, and is obvious that their problems are self inflicted, you don’t need a special licence to judge.
What people do with there money is their own business. Complaining to others about the results of there poor decisions makes it both people’s business… licence granted.
This is so true, I got a good friend that is allways depressed and complaining because money does not seem to be enough for him, he is in big debt and harldy making it till the end of the month. On the other hand he wears a couple of nice Ferragamo shoes, just changed his lap top for a pretty nice MAC (the old one was not even a year old) and he drives a pretty nice German Car (which by the way the bank almost took it from him). Why is it so hard for some people to realize that kepping up with appearences and holding up to expensive brands only bring us anxiety and desperation? I feel frustrated sometimes for not being able to making understand that he could be so much better if he had just been more concious regarding the way he expends his money.
My family and I recently put together a list of beliefs around money and things that have been greatly helpful as a filter for us. They aren’t rules, per se, but they are a guiding light for us as we choose to live out what you’ve encouraged here. In the hope they help and encourage others, too, the beliefs and habits are detailed below.
—–
As a family, we have come to believe that minimalism breeds abundance. This will result in big changes to how we live and prioritize spending our money together. To help keep us focused on this new, simpler way of living, we have written the following guiding principles.
We believe:
* Minimalism breeds abundance
* Money is not ours; it is a gift of God for us to steward
* Money and stuff does not buy happiness
* Giving is more meaningful than consuming
* People are what’s most important
* Financial stress should never interfere with building relationships
* Collecting experiences is more fulfilling than collecting stuff
* Less stuff of greater value is better than more stuff of lesser value
* Possessions do not hold memories, we do
* We won’t take any thing with us to what lies after
* We are all in this effort together, as a family
* It is not for us to judge others, including what they choose to do with their money or things
* Most of all, true riches are found in Christ alone
From a practical perspective, this means we will all strive to:
* Regularly look for opportunities to minimize (make it fun!)
* Give to those in “need” rather than buy “wants” for ourselves, especially during holidays and birthdays
* Use cash and leave plastic at home
* Set goals for what we want to do together as a family or save towards (e.g. trips, items of value)
* Shop less frequently, with more intentional goals; seasonal shopping for clothing rather than picking up stuff as we see it, for example
* Disown more than 40 major wardrobe pieces per person
* Only purchase things we’ve been thinking about or looking for after a while (30+ days)
* Purchase items that bring greater value (e.g. bikes), order (e.g. storage systems), and simplicity (e.g. chef knives) to our lives rather than items that detract from those
* Own less things that last longer and we personally value instead of more things that do not last and in which we find less value
* Take trips and share experiences rather than buying more gifts
* Buy one high quality gift for holidays instead of many little ones
* Disown something (or more!) for every new thing we come to own
* Speak about these new values with our family and friends so that they are in-the-know before celebrations
* Keep giving more of ourselves to the Lord day by day; He wants all of us
Wow! I really enjoyed your post!! I think if everyone had this list hanging in their home we would not be in the mess our world is in!
Will be passing this one along. To be honest, I needed to hear it too. Thanks so much for writing this.
Absolutely on point!!! It drives me nuts when people complain about money “needs”, but they waste it elsewhere. I believe that 90% of the time (or higher) we are the makers of our mess, because of the choices we make.
That thought pattern really applies to everything in our lives just not finances. If we want change we have to do it.
Love your articles! They always hit home! Thank you!!
I, for one, feel you article is pretentious. It makes me feel like those of us that chose to be minimalists are out judging how other people use their resources. I try not to do this. I try to remember people are in different paths and everyone has to come at their own pace adn when they are ready. Thanks for your post.
lamorenix, I understand where you’re coming from. I don’t want to be judgemental, either.
But if a friend says to you that they can’t afford their kid’s soccer shoes while they are out eating a nice meal, I’d be inclined to say they need to either give up a few fancy meals, or take the kid out of soccer for the summer.
… or just stop complaining about money issues all together.
I’m not judging. But if a person is unhappy with what they can’t afford, maybe they need to revise their budget.
Sometimes they are just “complaining” so that there is a topic at the dinner table. That friend can probably well afford the soccer shoes. i feel the trouble here is the lack of authenticity in the conversation. If only people could be real with each other and not humble-brag or go pseudo-poverty in our interactions.
You are doing such a great service for an entire generation. I know there was information like this 40 years ago when I was first married and I had all the good intentions of living within our budget but young adulthood is like a roller coaster. You get over that first ascent and then you hang on for dear life. Peer pressure continues to be a huge force throughout life! Who doesn’t want the absolute best for their child? Contentment is the true goal in life.
Keep up the good work!
I 100% agree with you on most of this. But things like season tickets to your favorite sports team, or maybe tickets for a rather lavish vacation…. Are we not supposed to enjoy our lives? Life’s too short not to be honest, but is also too short not to be enjoyed a little. Obviously in moderation.
I didn’t interpret the post as an argument against enjoying our lives, but rather a call for more intentional, responsible spending choices. I think the attitude of “I deserve this, life is short, you only live once,” is what gets many of us into financial trouble. Sure, you should enjoy your life, but sometimes what you enjoy costs more than you can afford, and the responsible choice is to either save up for that purchase, or find a more affordable alternative.
Going along with the original post – I don’t think it’s a bad thing to spend money to enjoy yourself, but I do think it’s silly to whine and complain about “not affording” something you need when you’ve spent money on a fun Want. Make your choice to spend your money and own it.
My personal case in point: right now, we owe on a dental bill that was much larger than originally estimated (and budgeted for). I’m buying our summer pool pass anyway, and paying the dental bill incrementally, because that’s how our family enjoys ourselves during the summer in addition to being great exercise. I’m doing this deliberately and intentionally, and I will deal with the financial consequences with my eyes wide open.
Just found your blog on bloglovin’ and I have really enjoyed reading. Especially this post. I often feel the same way when friends complain about money issues. Glad that you addressed the issue, and gave me some ways to talk to my friends gracefully.
Allow me to play devil’s advocate for your friends. I use the cannot afford lingo all the time. I use it as a way to avoid talking about spending on something I don’t value. Ie I can actually afford it, I’m just not willing to give up what else I bought or saved for it. In our case we save fifty percent of our income so it’s not a spending problem. It’s good that your friends are expressing cannot afford rather then further eroding their financial position. Whether they can’t afford because they are out of cash or have spent their budget I can’t tell from this post.
Bravo! You are in good company….there are many of us that think and do the same.
Great post! It reminds me of our neighbor who once told me that she had to get back to work after having her third child, because they needed the money. I thought to myself well you have two large brand new cars in your driveway (and I live in a country with high taxation on cars so they are quite expensive).
Thank you for such truth Joshua an absolute necessity to my current financial situation . From today henceforth my life will not be the same …
It’s true, I see and hear this all the time. This is what intentional living is all about for me. It’s about choosing simplicity. I am a relatively new mother (2yr old) and so many people around me have to ‘work’ so they can afford annual holidays, new cars, work wardrobes and to renovate their homes. Of course, nothing is ever as simple as that, and I don’t know what goes on behind their doors, but it does sometimes seem like they can’t see the forest for the trees…
I found this to be SUCH A WISE & VALUABLE POST, Joshua!! Thank you =)
I am 30 years old, & spent most of my life seeking immediate gratification— especially when it came to money. This manifested itself in the form of a shopping addiction & constant eating out.
We have had a VERY trying time financially, & your post is what I painfully had to learn!! I think people may find your post offensive either because it is very difficult to hear the truth… or if the context of your message was misunderstood as you pointing a judging finger at people, rather than see how you are merely trying to help others see how we can help ourselves!
Personally, I would have been happy if you shared this sooner so I could have learned from you BEFORE I had to discover it the hard way =p
But I am so glad you are BRAVE ENOUGH to say it, & I’m sure it will help many people!! I’ve already shared it with a friend who is also stressed financially, & they too found value in it!!
Whether wealthy or poor, we all decide how to spend what money we have.
If I get a flat tire & can’t afford to replace it because I spent all my extra money on eating out last month— I could get stressed out & feel helpless. Continue my habits in not examining or prioritizing where money goes.
OR I can evaluate how I ended up in that situation & learn from it. I can decide that being prepared for an emergency is important to me, & choose to save money for an emergency fund rather than eat out all the time until I reach my goal.
If I REALLY want something, I may have to sacrifice something I spend money on now that isn’t a necessity. It’s not about judging how other people spend their money— it’s about really evaluating how WE SPEND OUR OWN.
The point is, INTENTIONAL SPENDING— & examining our choices to see if they align with what we value. Taking responsibility & knowing we usually have a choice if we value something enough to sacrifice something else in exchange for it =)
When people ask why I don’t buy this or that I try not to say I can’t afford it. Instead I say I am choosing to spend my money on other things right now. This frees me up to use my hard earned money on the things I feel are most important to me. Example- We don’t go out to eat often because I would rather use that money for a class or save up for a trip. For me it is a matter of not only being purposeful with my money but being content with my choices.
This is a great point, I have recently found myself choosing words differently as well. “I prefer to buy my clothes second-hand” rather than “I can’t afford to shop there” or “i chose to drive an old car” instead of “I can’t afford a BMW” Ironically, my friends who choose to spend in luxuries often can’t afford to do so, but I generally only hear them complain about cost tied to a necessity, perhaps because it garners more sympathy than scorn from the listener.
Your last point is so true! Deep down, I think (or I have to think) people know they’re being wasteful with their money, but they don’t want to admit it. Instead, they reclassify their purchases as necessities and seek sympathy instead.
Such a good idea – I will start to use this too! It also shows it is not all about the money itself but the values you have on what to focus on in your life.
Hi Janice,
I think this is brilliant. That way of speaking helps place the control with you and shows other people that they also might have some control over their finances.
Also an interesting observation that Krystal makes in that we might spend our money on less important things, but complain that we can’t afford essentials…
Janice,
I read a book some time ago that spoke of the “I’d Rather” method of (not) spending money. It advised to prioritize the things you want to do with your money, and when you are tempted to buy a new handbag or outfit, simply say “no, I’d rather spend my money on ____________ (insert prioritized item). You could use the same response when someone wants you to go out or spend money on something not on your priority list.
Wow – The last sentence in this comment is so insightful: “For me it is a matter of not only being purposeful with my money but being content with my choices.” Being content with your choices is so important, but often overlooked I think.
This is also how we talk to our children (ages 6-12) about what we choose to buy. And buying second hand fits right in with being careful of the resources on Earth.
Yes!! I have a friend who is constantly complaining that she’s broke. They are up to their eyeballs in debt (car, house, $4,000 bed) yet she continues to spend. Then when we take a three-day vacation to Disney World that we sacrificed for, she says “I wish I could take my family to Disney World”. *smh*
Jealousy kills friendships, too.
Your article reminds me of a book I read many years ago called Your Money or Your Life by Vicki Robin and Joe Dominguez. It talked about how we spend our time earning money versus what we really want out of life. I think the problem that most of us face with our money and our lives is that we are taught somewhere in our early adulthood or childhood that adults cannot be happy and free when they are young. We are taught that old age is when we’re supposed to be free from debt and happy. We should learn to be purposeful about each dollar we earn and spend, and then maybe we will be more purposeful in how we live each day.
Well said!
It was so refreshing to read your thoughts about something that I have wanted to express many times to friends who I see wasting their resources on luxuries they can’t afford and then complaining that they don’t have the money they need for truely important pursuits like getting therapy for a failing marriage or a gymn membership.
I find it interesting how others respond to your decision to not buy a new car or work a job, two or three of even, because you enjoy your freedom, love of travel, and the opportunity to give as inclined to do so.
I’ve come to understand that ‘things’ really don’t add nearly as much value to your life as experiences, relationships, or generosity…