Recently, I was with a friend who was complaining to me she couldn’t afford to replace her cell phone. We were in her newly purchased Toyota Highlander at the time.
On a separate occasion, an acquaintance of mine was lamenting that he didn’t know where he was going to find the money to buy new soccer cleats for his son this summer. We were enjoying dinner at a nice restaurant.
Similarly, another friend recently told me he was unable to financially donate to The Hope Effect when I asked. He assured me he wanted to help and really wished he could. But they had just put a pool in the backyard and were using every spare dime to pay it off.
Still again, I sat chatting with a friend complaining of the overtime hours he had been putting in at work. They are trying to finally get out from under debt they have been carrying for years. Meanwhile, his Facebook feed brags of the season tickets he had just purchased for his favorite Major League Baseball team.
Each time, I bit my tongue. I wanted to share what was on my mind. But I didn’t.
I was probably wrong in my decision not to speak up. I should have been bold and courageous and stated exactly what I was thinking. “Life is too short to not be honest with people,” somebody once told me. But I didn’t. I chose instead to keep my thoughts to myself.
Maybe I’ll say it here—that one thing about money I always want to say but never do.
I won’t write it here because I think any of those people are reading, but because I know others are. And many of us need to be reminded of this important reality:
You would have more money for the things you want if you stopped foolishly wasting it on other things.
In each case above, the person wanted money, but had already spent it elsewhere. My friend could afford to replace her cell phone if she hadn’t purchased such an expensive car. My other friend could have made significant inroads on their family debt if they hadn’t bought season tickets for the summer. And most of us would have more room for generosity and supporting causes we believe in if consumerism wasn’t so prevalent in us.
When we haphazardly spend money on foolish things, we have less remaining for more important pursuits. (tweet that)
This principle also extends beyond purchasing power.
Through a number of odd circumstances, I happened to spend some significant time talking with the friend of a friend recently. The topic of conversation was stress and anxiety. More specifically, the topic was her anxiety which she attributed to their financial circumstances: a burdensome mortgage, a monthly car payment, and not enough financial margin to feel comfortable.
The reason for the stress and anxiety, seemed to me, was not about the unacquisition of sufficient funds. The reason for the stress and the anxiety was the foolish places where their money was going—too big a house, too fancy a car, and too many unintentional purchases in the past.
They had sacrificed peace and calm for square footage and expensive wheels.
With so many circumstances of life outside our control, doesn’t it make sense we’d work hard to control the ones we can? This reality is especially true when it comes to our financial resources.
Our financial situations certainly vary from person to person. And I fully understand that some people struggle financially because of no fault of their own. But I believe the principle stated above extends to a higher percentage of us than you might think.
The greatest mistake we can make is the assumption that our financial lives are entirely outside of our control. They are not. We decide every day where our money is going to be spent.
Intentionally choosing to spend money on the things we truly want is not always easy. It requires a clear designation of the financial reality we wish was true (our desires) and a clear understanding of the reason it is not (our foolish spending habits).
Depending on your financial goals, the application may look something like this:
- I want to get out of debt, I will spend less on eating out.
- I want more money for travel, I must spend less on my housing.
- I want more financial peace, I need to remove my monthly car payment.
- I want more margin for generosity, I must spend less on fashion or furniture or technology.
- I want more ___________ so I need to buy less ______________.
What causes us to lose sight of this simple truth? I’m not sure. But none of us are immune from it. Which is probably one of the reasons it is so difficult to articulate when we see it playing out in another person’s life.
Ms. Montana says
I know a lot of people in our lives were confused when we were able to walk away from our 9-5 jobs in our 30’s to “retire”. Not that saving, investing and building the passive income needed was easy. But it was just a matter of not buying all the things that were less important than this bigger goal. I never saw it as “going without” but investing into something more precious. To be able to live a life 100% on target with our values, passions and goals with our money and time. That seems like an amazing thing. And I didn’t want to trade that away for take out lunch or a new swim suite every year.
Tara says
Exactly. I did the same thing, retiring at 49. The key is to remain focused on what you want most, versus what you want right now. Impulse control and focus is critical.
Beth says
It’s possible those people are spending their money exactly where they want to though. They just have different priorities than you. For example, your friend does not want to donate to your charity, and he is just using the money he spent elsewhere as an excuse. Season tickets to baseball games could be your friend’s way of spending on experiences and not things, as you often recommend to your readers on this exact website. What you’d really like, in my opinion, is for people to stop complaining about not having money, when clearly they do have money and are maybe exaggerating or not being honest about their situation.
Tara says
I think you have hit the nail on the head here.
Deb says
Agree completely. People’s choices reflect their priorities. I often think people aren’t aware that their lives are very often a result of their own decisions, and perhaps that is what you are getting at. But I also realize people say they can’t afford something (donating to a charity) as a polite way of saying that’s not a priority for them.
Tom Waite says
Sometimes it is hard to remember that as a minimalist it is not necessary to bring others into the movement.
joshua becker says
It is certainly not necessary. But I’ve given my entire life to bringing as many into the movement as possible. However, I much prefer to say “inviting as many as possible” into the movement. The choice is always up to them.
Sean says
Enjoyed the post, Joshua! Great advise, and as usual, practical and obtainable. However, in this instance, for me, not that easy to be steadfast with. Thanks for the reminder and encouragement!
Terry B says
There is really no way of saying what you WANT to say without alienating the other party….. unless it is a “teaching” situation with your children. Once you confront your friend regarding spending habits, there will be very few “future meals” shared together. There may be a way to advise without alienating…. such as “maybe you need to make two lists, NEEDS from WANTS…. then prioritize.
Julie Sharp says
I worked with a person who often complained that she could not afford certain things that others were enjoying in life. She earned a very good salary, and I could never understand why she couldn’t manage her money in a way that afforded her to enjoy some of the things she wished for. I started to notice that she did this in front of caring, generous people, and she was trying to get them to give her money or pay for things in other ways (gift cards, etc.)….which they often did. I later learned that she maxed out in credit card debt, with no plan to ever pay it off. A very sad way to live……
Roberta says
Exactly! I’ve seen people do this too! Priorities are all mixed up. I love this article!!!
Archie says
1) African Proverb: “The man who speaks the truth has no friends”.
2) Google “opportunity cost”.
joshua becker says
Not sure I agree with the African proverb. Hearing the truth may be difficult at first. But in the long run, the friends I am most thankful for, are those who were willing to speak truth into my life.
Heather says
I think the important thing with hearing difficult truths from someone is knowing that they truly want what’s best for you and are trying to help you. If they are sneering, gossiping, or judging you then the message may be received but the “friend” is resented for it. In my own life, advice from friends has ultimately been appreciated as long as I know that they are doing it out of love, even if the delivery is a bit blunt. That’s all it really comes down to for me.
Polly says
I am so thankful for your meaningful articles, which always help me to put my wants and needs in perspective. I have always appreciated your wisdom and ability to share ideas without judgment. I wondered as I read this article- Is it our place to determine what is a more important way to spend money for anyone but ourself? I tend to think this is not our right or our purpose. I can’t help but wonder if the friends of yours who made these decision to purchase a pool or season tickets might truly believe these were also important priorities? Who are we to judge how others choose to live or spend their money?
I love the work you do and appreciate the overall message you are sending about thinking through what matters so you can spend on what truly matters to YOU. But, I am glad you didn’t “boldly share” your opinions with your friends about what they could (or you believe they should) do differently with THEIR money. It is afterall, their decision.
I love your message that we have control over our spending decisions and each less important purchase we makes ultimately takes away from our ability to spend on what matters most to US. But, I remind all of us to remain humble as we make decisions, share ideas, and remain aware that there is no one right way to live.
We are not experts on anyone’s lives but our own. We need education and support, not judgment placed on those who make different choices than we might make or who spend money on what we might consider to be “foolish things.”
Beth says
Thank you Polly! I agree.
Penny Pincher says
I don’t think Joshua’s point was to judge how they spent their money but to make them aware that they made a different choice so now they should take responsibility for it and accept that the choice to buy item A would prevent them from buying item B. Before you make your choice understand that there will be consequences to that choice and be prepared to accept it without complaining.
I recently started keeping a budget journal to better track my spending. When I realized where I was wasting money I compassionately told myself it was okay, what’s done is done, and I moved forward with better spending choices. I did not complain about it as if it were out of my control.
Cindy says
This is essentially what I came here to say, but you said it far more eloquently. Joshua made the right choice in biting his tongue in his conversations with friends.
Leslie says
It is sad that so many measure their worth by what they HAVE and not what they DO.