Recently, I was with a friend who was complaining to me she couldn’t afford to replace her cell phone. We were in her newly purchased Toyota Highlander at the time.
On a separate occasion, an acquaintance of mine was lamenting that he didn’t know where he was going to find the money to buy new soccer cleats for his son this summer. We were enjoying dinner at a nice restaurant.
Similarly, another friend recently told me he was unable to financially donate to The Hope Effect when I asked. He assured me he wanted to help and really wished he could. But they had just put a pool in the backyard and were using every spare dime to pay it off.
Still again, I sat chatting with a friend complaining of the overtime hours he had been putting in at work. They are trying to finally get out from under debt they have been carrying for years. Meanwhile, his Facebook feed brags of the season tickets he had just purchased for his favorite Major League Baseball team.
Each time, I bit my tongue. I wanted to share what was on my mind. But I didn’t.
I was probably wrong in my decision not to speak up. I should have been bold and courageous and stated exactly what I was thinking. “Life is too short to not be honest with people,” somebody once told me. But I didn’t. I chose instead to keep my thoughts to myself.
Maybe I’ll say it here—that one thing about money I always want to say but never do.
I won’t write it here because I think any of those people are reading, but because I know others are. And many of us need to be reminded of this important reality:
You would have more money for the things you want if you stopped foolishly wasting it on other things.
In each case above, the person wanted money, but had already spent it elsewhere. My friend could afford to replace her cell phone if she hadn’t purchased such an expensive car. My other friend could have made significant inroads on their family debt if they hadn’t bought season tickets for the summer. And most of us would have more room for generosity and supporting causes we believe in if consumerism wasn’t so prevalent in us.
When we haphazardly spend money on foolish things, we have less remaining for more important pursuits. (tweet that)
This principle also extends beyond purchasing power.
Through a number of odd circumstances, I happened to spend some significant time talking with the friend of a friend recently. The topic of conversation was stress and anxiety. More specifically, the topic was her anxiety which she attributed to their financial circumstances: a burdensome mortgage, a monthly car payment, and not enough financial margin to feel comfortable.
The reason for the stress and anxiety, seemed to me, was not about the unacquisition of sufficient funds. The reason for the stress and the anxiety was the foolish places where their money was going—too big a house, too fancy a car, and too many unintentional purchases in the past.
They had sacrificed peace and calm for square footage and expensive wheels.
With so many circumstances of life outside our control, doesn’t it make sense we’d work hard to control the ones we can? This reality is especially true when it comes to our financial resources.
Our financial situations certainly vary from person to person. And I fully understand that some people struggle financially because of no fault of their own. But I believe the principle stated above extends to a higher percentage of us than you might think.
The greatest mistake we can make is the assumption that our financial lives are entirely outside of our control. They are not. We decide every day where our money is going to be spent.
Intentionally choosing to spend money on the things we truly want is not always easy. It requires a clear designation of the financial reality we wish was true (our desires) and a clear understanding of the reason it is not (our foolish spending habits).
Depending on your financial goals, the application may look something like this:
- I want to get out of debt, I will spend less on eating out.
- I want more money for travel, I must spend less on my housing.
- I want more financial peace, I need to remove my monthly car payment.
- I want more margin for generosity, I must spend less on fashion or furniture or technology.
- I want more ___________ so I need to buy less ______________.
What causes us to lose sight of this simple truth? I’m not sure. But none of us are immune from it. Which is probably one of the reasons it is so difficult to articulate when we see it playing out in another person’s life.
Meg says
This boils down to: own your decisions, make them intentionally, and stop complaining about them! Which is brilliant advice in so many areas! Wouldn’t we all be much less annoying if we all did this?
I really liked this post. I do think it’s hard to be close to people, or become closer, if you are constantly biting your tongue and not saying what you think. Surely there is a gentle and kind way to move the conversation toward greater honesty.
Mary Jayne says
I very much appreciate the message in your article.
All your articles make me slow down and think. Thank you.
I wish I could keep the message in this article in the forefront of my thoughts when I am spending money I think is discretionary.
I need to realize, that for me too, spending money is choosing one thing or activity over another. I can’t afford it ALL.
I read another article some time back that I thought of again when I read your article. The mental image from the first article has stuck with me.
I think it was in the middle of something that Joyce Maynard wrote.
The gist of the story was that she, as a guest in a house noticed how worn and thin the host’s bath and hand towels were. They were clean, fragrant and dried her off as needed, but so worn. The towels perfectly served the function for which they were intended. And, the person seeing and using the towels and writing the article knew that the host could have afforded to buy new towels and she reflected on this.
She also knew that the host had traveled extensively and had enjoyed many cultures and learning experiences. The host had many other beautiful things in her home that she had collected in her travels. Seeing the worn towels in the host’s bathroom made the writer take a hard look at her own spending choices.
The rest of the article was about her realization of the importance of spending your money and time on what you really love, on those things important to you.
I am probably not even close to accurately paraphrasing the piece, but its message stuck with me.
I really like big, beautiful, bright fluffy towels. But do I really need to buy any more?
Probably not. All the towels I have now will probably last me the rest of my life.
But devilishly beautiful colors to match a new shower curtain will beckon.
So, that is my test or wake up call when I am considering an expense.
I think of worn towels.
Do I really need the purchase being considered it or will something I already have fulfill the function/do the job, just as well as the new object?
But I always need reminding to spend consciously.
My thoughts on trying to spend thoughtfully were reinforced when I cleaned out my deceased working class parents’ home. I found their linen closer full of threadbare towels.
I also found that their bank accounts were healthy, their investments were sound and their house and cars were owned outright. They traveled together across the country, as they liked, for a good while in their later years. They were saving monthly on their modest retired income and even still their checking account balance grew each month. (And of all things, they loved to go to the casinos and play the nickel slot machines for entertainment!)
Barbara Mirch says
At 70 years old I can agree, (things) don’t make you happy. Right now my husband is still working but we are living on only the money we would receive if he were retired. The rest goes into savings. This gives us peace.
I have begun to clean the clutter out of each room and with all the things you have collected at this age? it isn’t any fun, but honestly, do I want my relatives to have to slave over this task when we are dead?
When push comes to shove keep your photos.
Ann says
This concept of being purposeful in our spending of money also applies to time. How often do I say I don’t have time for something and when I honestly look at how I’ve spent my time, I have really wasted it on unimportant activities (like mindless tv, etc).
Thank you for your article. I will keep it in mind as I think about what is really important to me when spending time or money.
Megyn says
I think this post is full of assumptions about people. Do you know for a fact all of your friends’ financial decisions? Do you know if your friend’s new Highlander came with a car payment? Maybe it was a gift? Maybe they had scrimped and saved for it? And your friend at dinner–maybe he budgeted for that dinner, but the cleats were an unexpected expense? I think before you start making uninformed judgments about how others spend money (or even making assumptions about how they’ve acquired things), you leave it be unless they are asking for financial advice. Everyone gets frustrated by things that others see as easily avoidable. A little empathy can go a long way. Yes, many do spend in ways that may seem frivolous or even dumb, but it’s also quite possible that you behave and do things that others may see in that same light. Just a thought…
Elizabeth says
If you will remember in the article, the reason he mentioned these specific friends is because at some point during their correspondence, they complained about their finances. I myself understand the perception vs reality dilemma, because I too, don’t want to be guilty of assumptions based on perception. I have a brand new iPhone 7 that I got for a significant discount during the holiday season that ended up being cheaper than the older version phone that I was intending to by. I live in one of the most expensive cities in America and I’m no stranger to eating out. Someone could easily mistake my situation as one of overspending at first glance.
However, something that’s also true about me is that I work two jobs. I have a full-time job with immense job satisfaction, with low enough monthly expenses that I could live very comfortably on this salary alone. I work a second job however, because I’m actively trying to expedite the repayment of the remaining $10K I have left in student loan debt. No one would ever no these things about me, because I don’t complain about financial issues, and I don’t complain about financial issues, specifically because of the way that I prioritize financial freedom over materialism.
I know people on the other hand who don’t. People who make 3 and 4x my salary, who complain about how they don’t make enough money, yet send $300 to $400 a month eating out alone and who are quick to buy the latest gadget when it comes out. I have no desire to judge these people, none whatsoever. I also have no desire to hear about their financial woes that they feel the need to freely share with me, especially when I imagine how much of a non-issue it could be if they reign in parts of their spending in certain places.
Amber says
It frustrating dealing with those friends sometimes. Especially when jealousy comes in.
A year ago we took a small vacation and went to Disney World for 3 days. A friend of mine said “I wish I could take my family to Disney World.” My response was “Didn’t you just put yourself in debt for $4000 bed because you ‘needed’ it? We all choose how to spend our money.”
Another thing to consider… having a larger family sometimes means less money for other things you would like. The same friend who complain about not having enough money to go on a trip to Disney World, has chosen to have three children. (My husband and I have one child.) Going on vacation as a family of five can sometimes be almost twice as expensive as going on a vacation as a family of four because of hotel room limits.
Melissa says
Oh Joshua, I’ve been there too, and am quite surprised I haven’t bitten my tongue off by now. Great post.
Jacq says
Last summer a co-worker’s car air conditioning wasn’t working. So she bought a new to her used car.
The things I hear my coworkers spend money on, and order lunch / go out several (or all) days a week, but don’t have money for other things. I’ve learned to just keep quiet.
At the same time, sometimes there is more to their motivation. Maybe those season tickets are a family tradition, and the son/daughter now buys them to spend time with their parent/sibling/kids.
I try to not judge acquaintances and offer suggestions to friends if asked.
Manjari says
I’m a working mother and I have this equation:
Money=time spent earning away from my kids
It helps me be very selective with what I spend on, so that I understand the true value of money, and what it costs me to acquire . It also helps me explain to my daughters (6 and 7) why buying more stuff isnt going to buy them happiness, just more work time for mom away from them! They get it, and usually pick mom time over anything else!
192.168 1.1 says
Thanks for your article. The finance problem is always a complex problem and makes everyone feel a headache. The best we need have the concrete plan.