I once read a quote that said, “Do not judge by appearances; a rich heart may be under a poor coat.” And I can’t emphasize it enough.
We are a society quick to judge the success of others based on external appearances. But I can’t think of a more foolish metric to utilize.
Some psychologists argue this is natural for humans. “Our unconscious mind starts from whatever objective data is available to us—usually spotty—and helps to shape and construct the more complete picture we consciously perceive.”
I suppose this makes sense to me. But here’s the problem:
We’re terrible at it! Like really, really bad.
In fact, in one study, scientists asked students at a Chinese university to look at selfies and evaluate the personalities of the people pictured in five key personality characteristics. The students were wrong 80% of the time!
80% of the time they were unable to determine the personality or character of a person based solely on appearance.
And yet, we continue to do it—over and over again. Often tricking ourselves into thinking we do it well.
But the proverb stands true, “Do not judge by appearances; a rich heart may be under a poor coat.”
When we hear it, we know it is true. Judging a person based on external appearances is a foolish metric and we all know it.
For one reason, external appearances are easy to manipulate.
Symbols of success can be easily acquired by those who are not successful. Meanwhile, many successful people choose not to display their success with external symbols.
Do you know how easy it is to purchase a flashy car on credit? Or how quickly you can get ahead financially by simply buying a reasonable one? Night and day.
But this isn’t a post about financial success. This is about choosing to not judge others by external appearance.
I have a good friend who lives on the other side of the country. Years ago, when a special needs newborn was abandoned at their local hospital, she and her husband offered to raise the child as their own.
Their new daughter would require almost 24 hour attention for the rest of her life, and yet, they chose to adopt her and bring her into their family.
Decades later now, my friend is not going to turn any heads when she walks into a room.
She doesn’t pull into a parking lot driving an expensive vehicle. She doesn’t wear the latest styles or expensive jewelry. The emotional and physical toll of raising her daughter 24 hours/day for the last 20 years shows on her face and physical appearance as you might imagine it would.
From all outward appearances, there is nothing that would impress you about her.
But on the inside, she may be the strongest, sweetest, kindest, most compassionate human being I’ve ever met. She is wiser than most anyone else in the room. And her heart is beautiful.
That’s the thing about judging by external appearances.
Most people trying to impress you with them aren’t worth emulating.
And those living the most meaningful lives have long since given up trying to impress you with a fancy coat.
Colleen Mariotti says
Thank you for these words. As you said, it is something we all know but it is so easily forgotten.
I particularly resonated with the part about external experiences being a foolish metric as they are so easily manipulated. I think in our virtual world of influencers and networking, that is, even more, the case. Authenticity will become harder and harder to encounter if we aren’t more careful.
Jay says
I am one of those rich hearts under a poor coat..
It is not always easy,and more often than not,people treat me as my coat would suggest.
I am single and live alone..after over a decade in a very bad marriage. I have a good job,and don’t generally worry about money. But..I grew up modestly and I have never been a flashy dresser,or tried to impress strictly on appearance..
I have recently discovered Minimalism thanks to this great page..thing is,I’ve been a minimalist my whole life without calling it that. I prefer it that way..and never really cared how others viewed me.
In today’s world..things are different.
People are far more judgemental…but it hasn’t changed my outlook.
Unfortunately..the younger generations are not being taught the same values of 40-50yrs ago. Where you judge by character..not clothes.
I was raised to treat the janitor with the same respect as the CEO…but kids nowadays are not.
To wrap this up..I wanna say thanks to this page for inspiration and ideas to make my life even better.
I will not change..regardless of social norms. However, the world is a much more judgemental and cold to those not choosing to show the trappings of success..
Kate says
Beautiful
Elizabeth says
It was unnecessary and unkind to denigrate this woman’s physical appearance by stating that she “wouldn’t turn heads” when walking into a room. While I agree with the overall sentiment of the essay, I believe you could have made your point without pointing out that the woman is not physically attractive to you.
L. says
Unless the story is fictional to prove a point, that could hurt that lady’s feelings. I know the point is that her appearance does not matter, but women want to feel beautiful. God created men and women and individuals so differently, It may not be a risk worth taking to offer up that little remark if your friend might read this. That would devastate me.
Sue says
Guilty!
I do this all the time!
What a great eye opener!
Thank you!
Excellent!
Deb says
Although I generally agree with this post, and embrace the minimalist lifestyle myself, I take a little exception here. We should not judge on appearances, nor be judgmental of others, period. Our culture needs to move beyond consumerism and greed. That said, appreciating beauty and creativity, as well as “taking care” are important. These concepts are a positive part of being human. It need not be costly (in money or time) or done with impressing others in mind. So, I have no problem with a person keeping themselves, living space, etc. “looking good.” It is not necessarily “shallow,” and can be a sign of self-respect, responsibility and a positive attitude.
Vernessa says
So true and I remind myself daily of this. We miss out on so much that so many offer by judging in haste.
Erin Wilson says
This is really excellent. Thank you so much. I think the pendulum is about to shift… character and integrity are going to become more and more sought after in the days to come. We are all realizing that the external isn’t as important as we once thought.
Roland Roberge says
Great post! a good reminder about how too quickly we categorize people at warpspeed, when we should really look at others as deep as a river and not as thin as a mirror ;)
Jolie perspective!
Valerie Rogers says
I don’t notice a car, or fancy coat. As far as the big houses, I say to myself better them than me.
joshua becker says
That’s funny.
Isabel says
Very beautiful and inspiring post.