Beliefs have a powerful impact on the lives we live. They can limit our potential or expand it.
The more we believe something to be true, the more likely it is to become so. That’s why the stories we tell ourselves are so important as well as the words we speak into others.
There are a number of incorrect life assumptions in this world. But because people say them so often (to themselves and others), they end up becoming true.
No doubt I have fallen for many of them myself. But I can also look back and identify a number of life assumptions that I have never presumed to be true.
10 Common Life Assumptions I’ve Never Presumed to be True
1. Parenting Teenagers is miserable.
I’ll start here because it is a perfect example. I used to work full-time with middle school and high school students and can’t count how many times I was told that parenting teenagers was miserable.
One person even said to me, “Little kids are so cute. But then they become teenagers and you suddenly can’t wait for them to leave.”
I’ve never believed that had to be true. Does parenting teenagers require intentionality and a shift in parenting strategy? Of course, but I’ve never believed it had to be unenjoyable or they would be disrespectful.
2. Spending extended time with extended family is to be bemoaned.
No way! I love seeing my family—including spending extended time with them.
Now, I realize not every family is stable and I still recognize the importance of separation for the purpose of establishing your own identity. But we go home twice/year to spend time with our families (usually close to 2 weeks each time).
Coming home is one of my favorite things in the world. And I always cringe when people crack jokes about how hard it is to be with family.
3. I can’t wait for retirement.
Retirement has been described as the new American Dream. And it seems, in many cases, people live as if the goal of work is retirement. But how can work be enjoyable if the goal is to get out of it?
I probably learned it from my grandfather who worked 40-50 hours/week until the age of 99, but retirement has never been a goal of mine. I prefer meaningful work and will continue to do so as long as my physical body allows.
4. A productive life is a busy life.
When I was early in my first career, I made the mistake of stopping in the office on my first scheduled day off. I don’t remember the exact details, but I was either trying to impress my new boss or had forgot something at my desk (probably the former).
When I walked through the front door, the receptionist said to me, “Make sure you honor your days off—always. You’re going to need them. Because there is a lot to do around here.”
In one sentence, I learned that a productive life doesn’t require me to work every day. And that finding time for rest enables me to accomplish more.
5. We need debt to finance an enjoyable life.
Kim and I have never presumed that having or spending a lot of money was required for happiness or a meaningful life. In fact, we made less than $20,000 combined our first year of marriage—and the next 6 weren’t much more than that.
But we never outspent our means. We did take out a mortgage to buy our first house and I borrowed $7,000 to help offset the cost of graduate school in my late-20’s, but other than that we have added no other debt.
Sure, our life has never been extravagant. But that wasn’t necessary for an enjoyable or meaningful life either.
6. Mothers-in-law are difficult.
Lawyers and mothers-in-law are the punchline to quite a few jokes. And mothers-in-law are almost always portrayed as difficult to get along with on television sit-coms. Just picture how many times the mere presence of a mother-in-law standing at the front door prompted a laugh track.
But my mother-in-law, Kay, is wonderful. She is kind, thoughtful, fun, and a pleasure to spend time with. I don’t dislike being with her at all! I actually enjoy it quite a bit.
7. Money doesn’t change you.
Of course money changes you. Anyone who thinks money only reveals who you are, rather than changing our very hearts, isn’t’ paying attention.
Does this mean everybody with financial means is evil? Of course, not—that would include most of us. But it does mean that we should be aware of its potential negative influence on our lives and stay hyper-focused on our personal ethic in light of it.
It also means that money is not always worth all the work we put into acquiring more of it. There are, after all, better things to be than rich.
8. Religion is boring and weakness.
My faith brings me meaning, joy, peace, stability… In fact, I can’t imagine life without it.
When I was young, I used to think religion was stifling and boring. But not anymore. I appreciate the role it plays in my life and how it has brought me strength through difficult times.
9. Kids are terrible in their 2’s.
Children often rise to the expectations we place on them. (Not always, but often.)
When we were parenting younger children, we never wanted to let “2-years old” or “3-years old” be an excuse for tantrums or bad behavior. And we never presumed that had to be the case. Instead, we sought to understand their developmental phase and worked hard to instruct and help them properly through it.
We should always fight against the presumption that our kids are going to act a certain way just because that’s the assumption we grew up hearing and believing.
Even from the very beginning.
10. People are talking about me behind my back.
Perhaps it is because of my background working at churches or even my current role now, but I hear a good number of comments from people about “being judged by others.” In many circumstances, I wonder if that’s even the case or just projection.
I used to think people were talking behind my back, until I realized they were all too busy talking about themselves.
Reject life assumptions. In so doing, you will regain the power to craft your own life—the one you actually desire.
I had a fun time thinking through this list and what common assumptions about life I have never presumed to be true. Are there any common assumptions you’ve never accepted or intentionally rejected? Comment below because I’d love to read more.
Eve says
If you work hard, get married, have children, buy a big house, send your kids to college, you have had a successful life.
I’ve seen people who follow that formula for success and are miserable.
Being a loving, caring person who sends his life in service to others. That’s a successful life. The other things may be a part of that but they are not a goal you go after. People without wealth, a spouse, children can live good lives.
Lora Kinder says
I’ve always enjoyed teenagers. They are self-cleaning and able to speak. We get the years between 13 and 18 to prepare them for adulthood, which means giving the the opportunity to make some decisions for themselves. If we guide them through the decision process, they will learn how to think for themselves.
There’s a saying, “When I was 20, I wondered what people thought about me. When I was 40, I didn’t care what people about of me. At 60, I realized that nobody was thinking about me!” It’s true: we’re all too busy thinking about our own problems to sit around judging somebody else all the time.
joshua becker says
Ahh, that’s the quote I wanted for the final point in the article, but couldn’t find it anywhere. I searched for online every which way trying to get the quote close enough for it to pop up in a search result, but no luck. Thank you for reminding of it!
Susan says
This is true, and I’m glad you didn’t use 13 as the age. Because in middle school, everyone IS looking at you. I still remember after my daughter was in high school for a couple of weeks she said, “I love high school. Nobody cares what you wear, who you talk to, what you read, or what you are interested in.”
Tamera says
I hear it all the time. It’s like nails on a chalkboard to me, “you deserve to be happy”… really? You deserve it? I personally believe that what we truly deserve is quite the opposite. When I realized that, it completely changed my world. That one little realization meant that everything, from every single person in my life to a warm bed and toothbrush is a gift. I find that I have to remind myself often, but when I remember it, anger and frustration melt away, and is replaced with gratitude, and I’m blown away with how much I’m truly blessed with.
joshua becker says
Deep, and rich. Thank you for adding it.
Frances Holliday \ Alford says
We are given all that we have by grace. Deserving is beside the point and can be very self serving.
Patti Gardner says
I raised 2 children, who are now in their early 30’s. The teenage years were wonderful! I always try to tell people that teen years don’t have to be difficult.
Cindy says
I really enjoyed your insights. One that comes to mind for me is, “this too shall pass.” The statement is true but it was taught to me as something you tell yourself while going through a negative or difficult situation. It’s meant to serve as a beacon of hope. Yet I have learned that it is even more valuable to use it while enjoying a happy or celebratory situation. The happy times pass, too, so be mindful and savour the people you are with and the memories you’re making.
Jessalynn Jones says
Good post Joshua! We need to stop letting others tell us how to think. I
One belief I never bought into was that college was the only way to succeed. I figured, even if I make less, without all that college debt I might just break even.
Also I think that you should know what you want to be trained for before you go to college because otherwise you are paying for something you may hate doing. College is fantastic when you know what you are going for but if you don’t you might better figure it out first.
Jeanne says
I think that’s why a ‘gap’ year can be so instructive for graduated HSers. It seems very common in Europe. I’ve had numerous jobs in a variety of fields, only a couple of which pertained to my major. The difference with American students as you say is the unusually high cost of tuition. If they somehow manage to obtain scholarships, there is even more pressure to ‘get right on it’ even if ‘IT’ is nebulous.
Maria says
I totally agree with you! That’s what I want to pass on to my daughter: work first to figure what she likes and then go to college if necessary…
Rk says
One more: You don’t have to have kids! My husband and I have been married for 23+ years and are child free by choice. In this kid
-centric society, many people don’t understand this. Kids aren’t for everyone and there are many reasons to not have them, including that you just don’t want to be parents. Shouldn’t have to apologize or explain. Best decision ever for us and others!
gary fagg says
at 73 i never had children. my first wife could not get pregnant and my second wife said… i have 2 and don’t want more but if you want them we have to have 2. now i still have no children but 2 step children and 6 grand kids. i have already died and gone to heaven.
Carol Garcia says
“If you don’t watch the news, how will you know what’s going on in the world?”
Being extremely intentional
in regard to when I read the newspaper(pretty much never) and watch the news(rarely), has provided me with so much more space in my brain to see the good in people and in the world. I do not have my head in the sand. Friends and family members typically fill in necessary highlights. Peace and tranquility are priceless.
Lauren says
This! Absolutely and positively this!
I gave up television almost thirty years ago and that was a massive change in my life.
But just as dramatic an impact was a decision I made to give up all news (save for a local emergency such as a fire) online in January of this year. I stopped my NYT subscription and miss their incredible stories and I never see CNN or even my local newspaper online.
The reason I stopped cold turkey was that I finally reached my emotional breaking point. I am very sensitive to others around me and to things I let into my life. Some would say too sensitive but I like being attuned into life to that degree–except for the overwhelming and continual negativity that news brings. If it’s awful it’s shoved at us 24/7. I found that during the last year or so leading up to the 2020 national election I was so wounded that I could hardly function let alone maintain a cheerful and vibrant attitude. One day went into the next without hope or confidence or even much happiness.
Then came January 6, and my depressed feelings hit a low I hadn’t imagined existed. So I stopped it all. I unsubscribed to the Times, cut off all sources of “news” of any kind, and have been rewarded with every single day being filled with joys. I no longer care about things I can do nothing about. I do care about things I can like talking to others, providing support and nurturing, sharing smiles and laughs, helping out with things that mean a lot to me, and much more. I have become, or perhaps I should say re-become, the person I not only was and am but want to be. I do not set my life by the world’s problems but by my own standards. There is so much I cannot control or change when riots break out, hurricanes tear homes apart, hatred seethes in politics, and all that. But what I can do, and what I choose to do, is focus on my own corner of the world. I make it better each and every day with the small things that really do make a difference.
Does anyone else remember that 60s bumper sticker that said “Think globally, act locally”? I do, and I really believe it. I can’t rescue every cat even in this country but I make a real difference to those in my community (and that of TinyKittens in Canada). I make my boss’s day better by taking charge of a project and getting answers for him. I make a stranger’s day better with a genuine smile. And so much more.
Letting go of the impact of the daily bummer called the news has allowed me to throw off the blanket of depression it inflicts on me. I now stand taller and stronger and happier.
Joshua, thank you. I l love all your posts but this one particularly resonated with me. I will think of it and will tell my friend today who is driving with me to pick up my new feline family to bring them into what is now a happy, thriving home.
Michelle W says
You’ve stated this all so beautifully and I wish to meet people like you. I try to follow your path and couldn’t have said any of this any better than you have done!
I am also am very grateful to Josh’s offerings and encouraging guiding words in his posts. ‘Would love to meet him and his wife in person.
Ann says
Ooohhhh! This one is so good! I don’t watch the news either and still struggle with feeling I “should”. Thanks for sharing!
D S says
My late Mother-in-law was very hard on my husband. Even his dad said so. She was nice to me though. But to my husband, she was verbally abusive. She drank a lot to the point of unconsciousness. Very embarrassing and a bad example to the little ones while on family gatherings.
So I disagree that going home to family could be a wonderful time.
After her passing, we’re enjoying time with family like we never did before, no tension whatsoever among us. These are the happiest times.
joshua becker says
Thanks for the comment. But just to be clear, I didn’t say every family was wonderful (I even made mention of that in the article). But the assumption that spending extended time with family has to be miserable is an assumption that I have always rejected.
Becky says
Very good insight Joshua and so true. I love the “people and kids do rise to the potential of your expectations.” I was treated this way as a child, as my mother was told that I was slow, due to “IQ” rest numbers so don’t expect much. I didn’t want to think this so I had to fight on my own to show myself that I wasn’t this “label” that was put on me, even though it didn’t change my families outlook on me. I achieved because I knew I could.