Beliefs have a powerful impact on the lives we live. They can limit our potential or expand it.
The more we believe something to be true, the more likely it is to become so. That’s why the stories we tell ourselves are so important as well as the words we speak into others.
There are a number of incorrect life assumptions in this world. But because people say them so often (to themselves and others), they end up becoming true.
No doubt I have fallen for many of them myself. But I can also look back and identify a number of life assumptions that I have never presumed to be true.
10 Common Life Assumptions I’ve Never Presumed to be True
1. Parenting Teenagers is miserable.
I’ll start here because it is a perfect example. I used to work full-time with middle school and high school students and can’t count how many times I was told that parenting teenagers was miserable.
One person even said to me, “Little kids are so cute. But then they become teenagers and you suddenly can’t wait for them to leave.”
I’ve never believed that had to be true. Does parenting teenagers require intentionality and a shift in parenting strategy? Of course, but I’ve never believed it had to be unenjoyable or they would be disrespectful.
2. Spending extended time with extended family is to be bemoaned.
No way! I love seeing my family—including spending extended time with them.
Now, I realize not every family is stable and I still recognize the importance of separation for the purpose of establishing your own identity. But we go home twice/year to spend time with our families (usually close to 2 weeks each time).
Coming home is one of my favorite things in the world. And I always cringe when people crack jokes about how hard it is to be with family.
3. I can’t wait for retirement.
Retirement has been described as the new American Dream. And it seems, in many cases, people live as if the goal of work is retirement. But how can work be enjoyable if the goal is to get out of it?
I probably learned it from my grandfather who worked 40-50 hours/week until the age of 99, but retirement has never been a goal of mine. I prefer meaningful work and will continue to do so as long as my physical body allows.
4. A productive life is a busy life.
When I was early in my first career, I made the mistake of stopping in the office on my first scheduled day off. I don’t remember the exact details, but I was either trying to impress my new boss or had forgot something at my desk (probably the former).
When I walked through the front door, the receptionist said to me, “Make sure you honor your days off—always. You’re going to need them. Because there is a lot to do around here.”
In one sentence, I learned that a productive life doesn’t require me to work every day. And that finding time for rest enables me to accomplish more.
5. We need debt to finance an enjoyable life.
Kim and I have never presumed that having or spending a lot of money was required for happiness or a meaningful life. In fact, we made less than $20,000 combined our first year of marriage—and the next 6 weren’t much more than that.
But we never outspent our means. We did take out a mortgage to buy our first house and I borrowed $7,000 to help offset the cost of graduate school in my late-20’s, but other than that we have added no other debt.
Sure, our life has never been extravagant. But that wasn’t necessary for an enjoyable or meaningful life either.
6. Mothers-in-law are difficult.
Lawyers and mothers-in-law are the punchline to quite a few jokes. And mothers-in-law are almost always portrayed as difficult to get along with on television sit-coms. Just picture how many times the mere presence of a mother-in-law standing at the front door prompted a laugh track.
But my mother-in-law, Kay, is wonderful. She is kind, thoughtful, fun, and a pleasure to spend time with. I don’t dislike being with her at all! I actually enjoy it quite a bit.
7. Money doesn’t change you.
Of course money changes you. Anyone who thinks money only reveals who you are, rather than changing our very hearts, isn’t’ paying attention.
Does this mean everybody with financial means is evil? Of course, not—that would include most of us. But it does mean that we should be aware of its potential negative influence on our lives and stay hyper-focused on our personal ethic in light of it.
It also means that money is not always worth all the work we put into acquiring more of it. There are, after all, better things to be than rich.
8. Religion is boring and weakness.
My faith brings me meaning, joy, peace, stability… In fact, I can’t imagine life without it.
When I was young, I used to think religion was stifling and boring. But not anymore. I appreciate the role it plays in my life and how it has brought me strength through difficult times.
9. Kids are terrible in their 2’s.
Children often rise to the expectations we place on them. (Not always, but often.)
When we were parenting younger children, we never wanted to let “2-years old” or “3-years old” be an excuse for tantrums or bad behavior. And we never presumed that had to be the case. Instead, we sought to understand their developmental phase and worked hard to instruct and help them properly through it.
We should always fight against the presumption that our kids are going to act a certain way just because that’s the assumption we grew up hearing and believing.
Even from the very beginning.
10. People are talking about me behind my back.
Perhaps it is because of my background working at churches or even my current role now, but I hear a good number of comments from people about “being judged by others.” In many circumstances, I wonder if that’s even the case or just projection.
I used to think people were talking behind my back, until I realized they were all too busy talking about themselves.
Reject life assumptions. In so doing, you will regain the power to craft your own life—the one you actually desire.
I had a fun time thinking through this list and what common assumptions about life I have never presumed to be true. Are there any common assumptions you’ve never accepted or intentionally rejected? Comment below because I’d love to read more.
Giftbasketworldwide says
This is such a great idea. Very impressive.
Edward says
“Religion is boring and weakness”
No, the issue is that religion is evil and a tool of oppression. But hey if it enriches your life it’s cool.
Joanne Holcomb says
Don’t judge all by some. I’ve had horrible experiences & incredibly wonderful ones. Heard terribly twisted teachings & also life sustaining, helpful, healing truths. It’s like choosing a school, a job, a neighborhood por a movie: SOME are bad.
Mary Miracle says
Something far better than a religion… it’s a genuine relationship with our Creator. Truly the greatest adventure in my long & well-travelled life has honestly been studying the Scriptures and getting to know its Author. Our Lord Jesus has so enriched many lives of those to come to Him in prayer. And the future is Heaven forever. Believe & be blessed.
Perky says
does this have to do with being a minimalist!
Dana Snyder says
I’m so sorry you feel that way. Jesus is truth and light. The only way to heaven, I pray you see this as the alternative is hell and a horrible place.
Lee Ann says
I disagree with the statement about money changing you.
I have always personally believed that money only has one true power: It makes you more of what you already are.
If you are kind and generous, you will be evermore able to be kind and generous. If you harbor feelings of hatred and ill will, you will be tempted to become nasty, demanding, and uncaring.
You cannot imagine an addict, alcoholic, or gambler winning the Megamillions and doing well unless they have been actively seeking help to end their seat torture all along.
William McIlmail says
one assumption is that everybody is trying to take advantage of you. true you have to beware but sometimes people are just true and are looking out for you
joshua becker says
Thanks for the comment, but your thinking is a common life assumption that is incorrect. Money doesn’t just reveal who you are, it changes our sense of morality, our relationships with others, our empathy, our pride, and our mental health. The linked study in the article explained that well: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_money_changes_the_way_you_think_and_feel
Kathleen says
I agree with you 100 percent.
Angelle St.Pierre says
Hi Josh
One commonly stated assumption that I personally find untrue is:
“You have to be happy alone before you can be happy with another person.”
I agree happiness is an inside job, but I think the cultural ideal that independence is the ultimate has caused our population more harm than good.
I spent much of my life trying not to need others. Now I realize our need for each other is inherent, part of our humanity, and by no means a character flaw. In fact, now I think it’s beautiful, and I love asking for help when I need it.
We are stronger together.
Thanks for your work.
It’s helping me in what I call my “deconditioning” process.
Brenda says
I can’t get enough of your articles, always directed to the heart, I’m glad I’m a part of the community. Thanks for clearing a few of the misconceptions. You are such an inspiration, thanks.
Kathie says
Dear Joshua,
I love all your posts, because they are thought provoking, as well as humorous. It reminds me of an assignment our 10th grade composition teacher made.
WRITE about a famous saying that you disagree with and explain why you disagree.”
Although I am in my 60’s and recently retired from teaching high school & college mathematics, I can still remember the 2 sayings that I wrote about.
(1) SAYING: “A penny saved is a penny earned.” Ben Franklin (I think?) RESPONSE: “A penny saved is more than a penny earned; you’ve already paid the (income) taxes on it.” (example: Roth IRA)
(2) SAYING “Practice makes perfect.”
RESPONSE: Practice makes habits. Memorizing the wrong words for a song, or the wrong answer(s) for arithmetic facts, or even the wrong notes in an instrument music piece makes a habit that is very hard to “unlearn.”
3) Speaking of the teenage years, the high school my children attended required parent(s) of participants in Speech & Debate Contests to judge at least one Saturday contest a month. Those Saturdays grew to be my favorite day of the week and when my mother-in-law joined me, she loved them as well. She used to explain to friends, “Where else can I go and see teenagers that are well dressed, articulate and respectful ?”
4) I must tell you that my mother-in-law was a true joy in our lives. She always called me her daughter-in-love (not her daughter-in-law) and always included me in family outings, teating me like one of her own adult children.
I have dozens of examples, but better quit for tonight . . .
Thank you for the well written thought provoker.
Kathie
Marsha says
I want to catch up and say that I love reading this post and new comments. It is nice to hear from different perspectives. It all makes very much sense. Thanks Joshua.
Sari kem says
Great Article! Makes a whole lot of sense? looking forward to more uplifting articles. Thank you❤
Maria says
Any time i have a rough days, taking a shower before going to bed helped with my sleep. I find it very soothing and helped me through the night. I find myself falling asleep more easily each time.
Maria says
[oh my goshhh.. sorry, my keyboard acted out and send you some love, anyway.] :0)
Diane N says
Yes, that is very true. If I have had a day surrounded by negativity and just an absolute downer. A warm hot shower washes it away physically and mentally. Plus, while I am under the warmth I practice my gratitude for all my blessings in my life, including a clean bathroom, hot water, fuzzy towels, my favorite bathrobe. Simple pleasures that lead to bigger context. Thank you for the reminder.
Ingrid says
´She is JUST a stay at home mum.’ In my circles, that is somehow the less worthy option. As if staying at home with kids means you’re not ‘achieving’ much. It’s taken me a long time to stop buying into that. I’m still working on it.
Kathy F says
I loved being a stay at home mom. I raised a world-changer; my daughter teaches high school and has a positive influence in the lives of young people who need encouragement. Just because we “just” stay at home to raise our babies doesn’t mean we don’t have an impact on the world. We certainly do!
Frances Holliday Alford says
“JUST” is a feminine diminutive. I know it gets used on men as well, but just a housewife, just a teacher, just a gardener is the perfect way to minimize the person’s worth. Just takes the importance out of the person and their status in life. I never let anyone say the just to me.
Susan Fardon says
“The grass is greener on the other side of the fence”
You always think others have it better, bigger, happier etc than you. And if only you had what they had you’ll be happy. This is definitely not true. People put on their public persona and appear happy and content but behind the scenes they have as many problems as the rest of us, just maybe different ones. Your energy is best spent concentrating on yourself and your life rather than wishing you had the life of others.