People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.
I have a friend. Let’s call him John.
I’m not sure if friend is actually the best word for our relationship, but it is the word I choose to use—not just in this post, but in life as well.
You see, John doesn’t return very many of my phone calls. He doesn’t reply to my voicemail messages. And he doesn’t answer very many of my texts.
But every few months, my phone will ring and John will be on the other end. Always out of blue. Usually in the evening.
He will apologize for being gone so long. He will assure me he is in a better place now. And he will ask if we can get together again for coffee or lunch. If at all possible, I agree.
John’s life has not been easy. He has told me repeatedly of the abandonment, the drugs, the alcohol, and the homeless nights that define his past. He speaks of his indiscretion freely. It is as much a part of his story as the home he grew up in.
Every time we get together, he recounts what has happened in his life. He will tell me about his desire to get back on the right track and the recovery meetings he has been attending. I will assure him there are people cheering for him. And I will offer to help in any way that I can. “Maybe we can get together again next week,” will usually be the last thing I say to him…until I hear from him again in a few months.
If I were to be honest, I’m not sure I get much out of my relationship with John. He doesn’t offer me any life advice. He doesn’t have a job or lifeskill that I learn from. He certainly doesn’t have any friends in high places who can help me get ahead. I think he cares about me as a person. But if he does, he has a funny way of showing it.
The one thing that he does offer is a consistent opportunity for me to love. Not a love that expects something in return, but a pure, unselfish love. One that requires patience and grace and commitment. You know—real love.
John needs me. And that is reason enough for me to keep him in my life.
There is an unhealthy inclination in our world to remove people from our lives who no longer serve us.
Our closets are full, but our hearts are empty.
When we decided to become minimalist, we did so because we knew our lives would improve if we removed the excess physical stuff from our home and life. They had become burdensome to us.
But it would be a foolish choice to automatically apply the exact same filter to our relationships. People always deserve more patience and sacrifice than physical possessions.
Do we need to find the strength to separate ourselves from abusive relationships? Yes, absolutely.
Are there some people that we need to be intentional about establishing boundaries with? Yes, of course.
But the path to better living is not found in turning our back on those who need us the most. The path to better living is found in developing the compassion and the space to love even those who don’t deserve it.
Choosing to invest in only the relationships that benefit me isn’t love, it’s selfish.
Robert says
Just once, would you post something I could disagree with and doesn’t challenge me to be a better person!
donald kau says
dear Joshua, thank you for this.
LZA says
And this is why I follow you. You are the gentlest, kindest minimalist writing about something I hold dear.
Jill mayes says
Exactly!
Ralph says
I remember little of the many things I’ve possessed over the course of of my life. But I remember much of those people I’ve known over the course of that same life. I don’t miss the things. But to touch those special to us over the course of our life is a sublime joy of that life itself.
Brad says
Beautifully expressed Joshua. I completely agree with you. It bothers me that so many self help gurus advice to dump everyone who doesn’t raise your vibration. It’s good to give back and help others too, while being mindful of taking care of self.
Thanks for your heart felt writing. Brad
Freeas says
When someone comes to you, and spills their life ,their woes,their pain over you, they may be longing for a deep friend in this world.You bear with them. They go away for months, then in desperation ,just needing to be heard they come again. Eventually they notice that you are not really a friend . You are a counsellor.You listen,maybe advise and you feel that you have given love , They notice that you never call them.You do not reciprocate. You don’t share your feelings pains ,failures , hopes or joy with them. You don’t reach out. They are beneath your level. If they don’t call, they`ll never hear from you again.Your `love` will help to get them through this stage of their life. Hopefully they will move on and find a friend on their level.
Ally says
I needed to read this, thank you.
Ebo Benami says
I’ve really been touched by your post. This is the kind of love we all need to put on-if only 10 per cent of the people in the world will know and practice this aspect of love what would be the world’s problems? Would the 90 per cent of the people in the world be enough amount of darkens to put out this light? I can only imagine. Thanx a trillion Joshua. God bless you.
Raúl Chirinos says
Wow, Is great, a very good work. Congratulations!
Bette says
This just goes to show me — I shouldn’t believe everything I read. Over the past year, I’ve embraced the philosophy I saw spouted in almost every blog I read: ditch the people in your life who don’t contribute wonderful things. What a breath of honest, true, fresh air from your post. What was I thinking??! Glad to be back on track. Thank you!