“If you don’t fit in, then you are probably doing the right thing.”
In high school, I played tennis and my favorite class was Accounting. I found out pretty early that the tennis team didn’t get invited to many parties…neither did the accountants.
On the other hand, my twin brother started on the football team, the basketball team, and the track team. He was pretty much one of the stars on each.
One of my best friends was three years younger than me and lived across the street. My brother hung out with the guys three years older.
Fortunately, I had plenty of free time to reflect on life while sitting alone at home—usually while my brother was hanging out at some party somewhere.
There was plenty of opportunity for me to long for the day when being one of the cool kids didn’t matter.
Some days, I think I’m still waiting.
A few weeks ago, I was in a local clothing store with my wife. I needed new pants (something about a hole in the crotch of my old ones). They sold pants. It seemed like a good fit.
As would be expected, we were not the only shoppers in the store. And I was not the only one using the dressing rooms. In fact, I wasn’t even the only one asking my wife for her opinion.
As I emerged from one of the dressing rooms wearing a khaki pair of pants, I noticed a young female shopper striking up a conversation with my wife.
The shopper began, “Do you think this shirt looks good on me? I think it looks a little boxy.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It does look a little boxy on you,” my wife answered.
The young woman replied, “Yeah, I know. It’s just that everybody is wearing this style now. Honestly, I just like wearing t-shirts and jeans. I really don’t know what to do.”
Of course, in my mind, the answer was simple: It doesn’t matter what everyone else is wearing, buy the type of clothing you like best. Spend your money on something you really love, not just the current fashion trends at parties and in the magazines.
But I know full-well it’s not always that easy.
The pull towards conformity can be strong. The desire to fit in with popular culture is significant at times. And no matter how old we get, the desire to run with the cool kids can still remain.
But within each of us is a desire that is even stronger—the desire to be ourselves, to embrace the things we love and enjoy and make us unique.
One of the best decisions we can make is to reject the cultural expectations that shift and change with the wind. And to accept the fact that we don’t need to run with the cool kids to be happy.
We can choose to be ourselves instead.
Frankie says
I think you just described my entire life in one single article. From birth until now, my younger brother has always been better looking, more athletic, way more popular and much better dressed than I. He had the perfect wedding, the perfect spouse, the perfect family etc. How much ever easier his upbringing and youth has been though, he lacks originality and always has a ‘need’ to be the most liked. I just sit there and go like ??? I think it also has to do with our Hindu upbrininging and the fact that the culture is so rigid for us females (I am the older sister). Yes at many times there can be a void, a desire to belong and to run with those ‘popular’ people. When I do that, I quickly find that they lack substance and originality.
:)
Lex says
I totally relate! My brother was popular in HS, he has a great girlfriend that he’s bound to marry in the new few years, and just started his high paying career as a firefighter. I feel like I have to meet those expectations, but for him, all of that is just who he is.
MelissaM says
Fire wife here. If your brother tells you firefighting pays well, he’s lying.
Marlene says
Loved reading this article too! I’m struggling now that I’m older to be cool because my life circumstances aren’t typical for my age (caring for my mother who has Alzheimers), but at least now I have the faith and wisdom to have more peace about it…and to focus on the fulfillment that being her caregiver does give me—even though many other people see it only as a burden in my life because they don’t understand how rewarding it can be. It is in this Season of my life that I’m blessed to finally be becoming a minimalist…and one big reason is because of how mom’s illness has required me to simplify my life…I needed to learn how to better manage my finances because of the exhorbitant costs of providing 24/7 care for her…from hiring a professional caregiver when I worked full time and then because of the financial hit to my income when I transitioned to working only part time. I have been blessed to have become a much better steward with my money than I ever could have imagined. At one time not so long ago my life was about sinful gluttony. This change has brought me priceless peace.
Gillian says
Your story has touched me, in the way you have found peace and in your circumstance, blessings have come to you. I am where you were before: glutinous spending etc. None of which is truly fulfilling. You inspire me to listen to what is truly important in this life, and to bee a happy minimalist. I thank you for your comment!! Sincerely , Gillian
Paula says
absolutely love this. I’ve been doing my own than for the past 2 years and even though I am 40 now and its taken me a while to be who I really am I’ve never been happier. Yeah I dont go out so much, I dont have so many friends but I have found joy and contentment like nothing else…… spending time alone has helped with that. Love your website :)
Fatima says
Paula, i’m 21 and I also still have a lot to learn. Your story inspires me to be better for myself. I spend time alone and sometimes I like it and sometimes I don’t but I try to remain happy regardless.
Lucy says
Never been a “cool” kid myself, never quite fitted in anywhere…I was always the square peg. I have lived a completely different life to most of my friends, and it turns out they are the jealous ones lol.
Live YOUR life, for you only get one :)
Nora says
100% true the only way to be happy.
Zimka Olga says
Lucy, same with my entire life story. Funny how it works out.
…still don’t fit in anywhere… and being 43 y.o. now it is a bit harder to know you don’t fit than in your 20’s, because back then you hope to find “that one place”… when you are still looking it is easier to care less, than when you know you are just different and settle with being the only one always there for you… at the end of life, we are always on our pwn anyways, so, I suppose, this is just a natural progression.
maureen says
I’ve always thought its cool to be different x
Sue Craig says
Touché! ❤️
Marissa says
Coming back from the Christmas parties I went to during the holiday season, I realized that I was very different from my other family members. This realization shocked me, but made me reflective at the same time. Even if I don’t fit in, I am happy to be me. I look back at my successes and realize if I keep doing great things like saving up for an item that I want and paying for it with cash, I will eventually succeed! I have done it before and I can do it again!
I’m happy not to run with the cool kids though. I love my frugal, minimalist, envelope system, budgeting, saving money life. I wouldn’t change it for anything and because of the way my life is, I have succeeded in saving up for things with cash many a time in the past and I plan to do so again and again in the future! C:
Thank you for your wisdom! ^^
Antonella says
Of course!!! Why do society call them the “cool kids” That’s not cool for me, and neither of you.
Un saludo :)
Book lover says
Jeans and a plain t shirt. Cold? Layer it with a long sleeved shirt. Need to dress it up? Add a pullover sweater and scarf. If the occasion calls for more than this, I’m not going. Wasn’t it Thoreau who said to be wary of occasions that call for new clothes, or something like that? Well, for a wedding I’ll put on the one dress I own. Couldn’t be happier. All my stuff fits into one closet and never at a loss what to wear….machine wash and line dry.
Gardenias says
No one lives in a vacuum. Unless you are a hermit, part of life is learning to get along with other people and part of that process is finding common ground. In conversation with others, I give on some things, and hold my ground on others. Some things I acknowledge that we’re going to disagree on and decide it’s not that big of a deal. Other things are enough to cause separateness.
After the terrible twos, most of life is a tradeoff between being an individual (doing my thing, not caring what others think) and being part of a group (family, school, friends). We choose daily and in every situation how much we want to be part the group and how much we want to show our separateness. I don’t think it’s nearly as easy as the ubiquitous “be yourself” that you hear everywhere.
Bonni says
I decided about 35 years ago that I WAS the cool kid! my life was much improved. Thankfully, I made that decision just in time to raise my two kids with a similar outlook.
NMPatricia says
Needed to read this today. Thanks.