According to a recent study, the average wedding cost in the US is $35,000—and that’s not even including the amount spent on an engagement ring.
As you might imagine, the figures vary widely from state-to-state. Couples in New York City spend the most, while couples in New Mexico spend the least at $17,584.
If that sounds like a lot of money, it is. To put that into historical perspective, wedding spending has increased 3000% since the 1950s! Extravagant, expensive weddings are becoming the norm.
A wedding is an important day and a significant moment in time. It signifies the day we commit the rest of our lives to another human being—to love, cherish, and honor until death do us part. It is a commitment we make in front of friends and family and often represents the joining of two families into one.
This article is, by no means, meant to downplay the importance of that special day. But we should consider if this trend to spend more and more money on weddings is a wise choice.
It is helpful, I think, to consider some of the negative ramifications of an expensive and extravagant wedding. Ever-increasing wedding costs are not necessary and may actually do more harm than good.
Consider the reasons:
1. Extravagant weddings result in increased stress and distraction. Wedding days are stressful enough—adding dozens of unnecessary frills and expenses makes them even more so.
On the other hand, a simple wedding helps keep focus on the bride and groom rather than decorations, accommodations, and food.
2. Expensive weddings bring financial consequences felt for years. If you are going into debt to pay for your wedding, please don’t. Financial pressures consistently rank as one of the top reasons for divorce.
Even if you do have the money saved, it can almost certainly be spent wiser elsewhere: paying off debt, a down payment on your first home, or even the honeymoon experience.
3. Extravagant weddings often distract from the hard work of preparing for marriage. When it comes to joining two lives into one, how many flowers will be in each centerpiece at the reception dinner is the least of your concerns. You and your future spouse should be talking about plans for your life together, methods of communication, and family experiences that may result in mismatched expectations.
Spend as much time together in premarital counseling as you do planning the actual ceremony. That is where the true foundation for a happy marriage is laid.
4. Expensive weddings are not necessarily more beautiful. The early assumption made by brides and grooms is that spending more money will result in a more beautiful experience and ceremony. But that is simply not the case. I have attended expensive weddings that were beautiful, for sure. But I have also attended simple weddings that were even more beautiful and often showcased more of the bride’s (and groom’s) personality.
Simplicity, as they say, is the ultimate sophistication.
5. Extravagant weddings magnify mistakes and mishaps. Almost no wedding gets by without some mishap occurring during the day—whether before, during, or after the ceremony. In my opinion, when a couple has invested so much time, energy, and money into a ceremony, they are more likely to sweat the small stuff thinking their financial investment would have insulated them from any moments of imperfection.
Take heart. The little mishaps on your wedding day will be the memories you talk about the most. Not allowing them to ruin your special moment when they occur is key to enjoying your day.
6. Extravagant weddings tend to promote (or result from) competition. Thinking your wedding day must measure up to a purely subjective standard set by a friend or family member is a foolish way to spend your day. “Comparison is the thief of joy,” Theodore Roosevelt once famously said. Allowing it to creep into your wedding day, in any fashion, is a poor choice.
Your wedding day is about you and your future spouse. Nobody else.
7. Expensive weddings often result in shorter marriages. Believe it or not, there is evidence that marriage duration is inversely associated with spending on the engagement ring and wedding ceremony. Couples who spend less on their ceremony are more likely to remain together longer.
In the same study, there was also connection made between the honeymoon and the marriage: Going on a honeymoon is “significantly associated with a lower hazard of divorce.” Based on these stats, spending money on your honeymoon is a wiser investment than money on the ceremony.
My wedding occurred before my introduction to minimalism. And yet, it was not an extravagant one. It was big, but not expensive.
Kim and I got married at our home church in Omaha, NE with 400-500 people in attendance. Our ceremony was not flashy, but included many beautiful elements you would assume to be present at a traditional church wedding service. For our reception, we served sandwiches and cake and punch. If I could do it over, there’s not a single thing I would change.
Not a single day of our lives have we looked back and regretted not spending more on our wedding. But I know many couples who look back and regret the amount of money they wasted on their ceremony.
If you’d like a simple wedding, here are some helpful ideas to get you started:
- Set a budget (and stick to it).
- Choose elements that are important to you, but limit the number. Try fewer flowers, simpler decorations, or less food choices. You can keep many of the traditional elements (if that is your style) without needing to go over the top with any of them.
- Don’t shell out big money for expensive accommodations. A simple church building can be just as beautiful as an expensive wedding chapel. And if the time of year permits, a backyard can easily host an intimate, informal, unforgettable reception with little expense.
- Look for personal touches. A wedding ceremony that communicates your unique personalities and/or time together will always be considered more thoughtful by your guests than expensive add-ons bought at the bridal store.
- Realize the wedding industry is built entirely on convincing you that you need x. There are entire stores, catalogs, and websites in business today working tirelessly to convince you that you need x or y in order for your wedding to be perfect. They are wrong. You don’t need anything—except for maybe official paperwork from your state and a few witnesses to sign the document.
- Enjoy your simple, precious day focused on the things that matter most.
Marital happiness has nothing to do with your wedding ceremony. It has everything to do with the weeks and years and life together after.
That’s why the simplest weddings are often the happiest.
jane says
Being Greek means a big Greek wedding however, it does not mean expensive. It includes music, food and alcohol at the reception. Our Church hall is perfect because they don’t kick you out at 9 or 10 PM. Greek receptions last till at least 1-2 AM.
Now days I feel like most non Greek weddings feel like children’s birthday parties and most are not fun, it’s kind of sad.
joshua becker says
Yes, I agree Jane. A large wedding is not necessarily the same as extravagant.
Jean says
Most of your examples were from the reception, Jeannot the ceremony. Please distinguish.
Also, I agree with Daisy.
Many of the sweetest weddings I have attended were the smallest ones. And I felt honored to be included.
Jacki says
When my nephew got married, he, his fiancée, a few friends and the officiant got into their cars and drove up into the Blue Ridge mountains. They drove around until they found a spot they liked, pulled over, and had their ceremony. It was simple, personal, and exactly what they wanted. Can’t ask for more than that!
Linda Sand says
We got married between Christmas and New Years so the chapel was already decorated. We each had one attendant and mine wore a dress she later wore to prom. My groom and my brothers were all in Army uniforms. We had only 75 people because we wanted to have the reception (cake, punch, mints & nuts) in the room where we met as were joining the church. That was way back in the Viet Nam war era, 1966, and we are still married today. Yes, we were teenagers who had the struggle of growing up within the marriage but we made it.
Kristina says
I am listening to your book on aubible! I enjoy it!!
Random comment , I didnt realize you are from Omaha, I live there now!!
joshua becker says
Happy to hear you are enjoying the book Kristina.
Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com says
Hi Joshua! Excellent advice. As a couple who will be celebrating our 42nd wedding anniversary this year I can attest to the fact that the meager amount we spent on our wedding made absolutely no difference to the quality (not to mention the commitment!) of our relationship. Of course, we weren’t in competition with anyone else and this was before Instagram and FB so we didn’t have to “announce” our love to everyone in advance. As I write on my own blog, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” And my happiness had/has nothing to do with the money I spent and everything to do with our love for each other. I’ve read that more people spend time AND money on their wedding than they do planning their life. Crazy huh? There is a better way. ~Kathy
Karla says
We were married in our home church in 1984. We cut costs by having a friend make my dress, ordered flowers from the shop where my mother worked (that was helpful!), and the bridesmaids either made their own or my mother made them.
The one area I spent money on was the photographer and its the one area I was completely disappointed with. I paid over $1000 for 5 hours of a photographer of my choice. On my wedding day, the photographer of my choice didn’t show up, and they sent someone else. He did not take any pictures of the two of us, the bridal party, or our families at the altar. He got us individually with our respective families and attendants, but none of the whole.
I have told my kids over the years that the wedding doesn’t make the marriage. Only son married so far had the ceremony in a city park and it was lovely.
Thanks for bringing this topic to the discussion table!
Carol Ray says
I’m not sure how much our wedding cost. My mother made my dress, my bridesmaids theirs. The flowers were simple and the cake was a gift from a baker my husband use to work for and a friend took the pictures. Other than the cake, there was punch, nuts and mints at the reception in the fellowship hall (basement). Big dinners were not the tradition then. We had it at our church where my father was pastor so everyone was invited. My father gave me away and performed the ceremony but I don’t think we paid him anything. I was a few weeks short of my 18th birthday and my husband had turned 19 a week before. Since we will celebrate our 61st anniversary in a couple of months, I think we turned out alright.
Susan E. says
What an inspiring story! Thanks for sharing it with us. Enjoy your 61st anniversary!
Arifa says
I feel so strange reading these articles..the problems are universal. I am from Pakistan and our society is facing the same problems.Extensive and expensive weddings and parties.
These problems are even bigger where the rich poor gap is very wide.
Unfortunately everyone feels that the worth of human is measured by the amount of material we have.
The problems of capitalism, competiition, consumerism is plaguing our societies around the globe.
Simon says
Very true
M D VARGHESE says
Very rational and beautiful observation.we Indians spend lot of money on wedding .In many cases.ceremonies go on for days and weeks.many are trapped in debt.gain only goes to event managers.we have to take up a movement for simple and lovely marriage.m